OT: Anyone else bored and need a change?

SandyInNJ63

I'm really not sure what it is, but I'm just not satisfied with the way my personal life is going.

I'm not complaining about my marriage, things are good (although it would be nice if I desired sex more than I do), and work is going well, I'm supposed to be getting a promotion very soon.

I mean aside from that, I have nothing else going on in my life. On the weekends me and my husband honestly have nothing to do. We go shopping and eat out and go home. We may do a movie here and there, or the usual date night stuff, but it can get a little boring if you don't have other people to do it with.

We have very few friends. Out of the 3 couples we're friends with
Couple #1) moved very far away
Couple #2) just had a baby (we always went camping and traveled with this couple, now that's a thing of the past)
Couple #3) will come over if we ask, but they don't like to go anywhere that requires spending money

How does one make new friends when you're in your 40's (me) and 50's (him)?

Also, I feel like I have no interests or hobbies at all. That would probably be a great way to meet new people, but I can't even fathom what hobby or activity that would be. Something me and my husband can do together would be nice, as well as something I can do for just me.

The other area I'm extremely unhappy with is my appearance. Before breast cancer, I was in the best shape of my life, having lost 75 pounds about 5 years earlier and kept it off. I took pride in my appearance and my clothes and now I'm feeling old, fat and frumpy and I just can't seem to get that motivation back to do anything about it. I admitted to my husband recently that sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop (i.e. more cancer) and feel like I'd be wasting my time dieting and getting back into shape only to have it taken out from under me like before. But mostly, it's the motivation I'm lacking that is my biggest obstacle.

My daughter is grown, she's 21 and going to college but living at home, but she's looking to move out with her boyfriend (who also lives with us) in a few months. They spent the night out last night and the house was very quiet. I wondered after she leaves, just how much more boring my life will become then.

Has anyone here felt they had nothing going on in their life and ended up making a big change for the better? I truly don't want to miss out on living life, especially being I've been given the time to do so, which sadly so many women who've passed through here have not. I wish to take full advantage of it, and not take my time here for granted, but I have no idea how to go about it.

roseg

Why not make a change? Fall is always a good time for that.

Review your social circle a little. I found when my kids were little that I didn't do things because of the babysitting challenges. But lots of those folks, like us, have kids that are older now so we've renewed our acquaintances. We've also made an effort to see some cousins we'd lost touch with.

What's stopping you from joining Weight Watchers and getting that wonderful body back? I have read so many success stories about WW right here. If you REALLY want to be who you were before I'd say that's the way to go!

The world is just so full of things to do. The hardest part is getting started.

EachDay

I think this is very "normal" Sandy. It sounds like you are at a point in your life where the past is the past and you are looking to the future but aren't sure what that is supposed to look like. I'm now in my 50s and I'm feeling this very much as children are leaving the nest, living their own lives and not needing me so much. We spend so much of our parenting years doing things with and for our children that we neglect ourselves, our relationships with not just our significant other, but friends and associates. And the things that we like or enjoyed when we were younger have changed because we have changed. Change is gradual most of the time and we don't even realize it has happened.

I'm going through something similar to what you are describing...so I take it in small steps. I challenge myself, whether it's with eating something I've never had before, or trying a new exercise, or reading an author I've never read. I'm looking at trying sports I've never done before and talking to people wherever I go. Sometimes someone will say something that strikes a spark of interest.

I think it's not so much about the people you spend your time with as how you the spend the time you have. Find things that make you feel good, go back and try some things you haven't done since you were much younger (a child even) and see how you feel about that. Art and exploring that can be a wonderful way to discover new things about yourself.

Dare to be a little different...wear a colour you haven't worn before or for years, try different make-up and experiment until you see something that makes you feel "that's me".

Rediscovering who we are can be one of the most enjoyable experiences. Having breast cancer changes us from who and what we were to something and someone we haven't met. Those challenges and strengths take us to heights we didn't know before. I don't want to go "back", I want to go forward and see this is an opportunity to be who I always was but with the edge I was afraid to have. Look within first and then look out...and let us know how you are feeling as you work through this. Don't think so much about what "was"...think about "what will be".

SandyInNJ63

You're right Rose, the hardest part is getting started, because then I will either succeed or fail and I'm afraid to fail. In fact, that's why I ended up getting so fat years back to where I needed to lose that 75 pounds I was talking about. I essentially gave up and let myself go. Something eventually 'clicked' within me and within one year, all the weight came off and it didn't even seem that difficult to do. Now with 50 pounds to lose again, nothing within me has 'clicked' and instead of pulling myself out of this rut, I'm allowing it to swallow up whats left of me.


EachDay, I think you're right..I'm at a rediscovering phase of my life. I look at my mom who's 69, has no hobbies, no friends, and is ultimately bored with life and I do not want that to be me, especially with me being only 44. There needs to be more to life than work and home. I really appreciate the tips and you sharing your own experiences with me.

Toronto

Yeah, I'm kind of bored too. I'm finding we don't have all that many friends and the kids are going to be leaving home soon (I can hope). When the high point of the weekend was grocery shopping = well I knew I was in trouble. These are the things I did.

I got a kitten. A dog would have been too much, but I figured I could cope with a cat. She's been a lot of fun and a new interest for me. I think after I take some time away this summer I will volunteer at the humane society.

I've planned a little weekend away for next week, I do that a couple times a year. I like the planning and finding near by areas of interest. My husband doesn't like planning so I just tell him which way to turn the car and he likes it that way. He insists he always has fun and likes the surprise.

I've invited some neighbors to join us for dinner at a local cafe that has recently opened. I kind of owe them a favor and this seemed like a good way to repay it.

I'm working at getting rid of stuff. Giving away, selling, throwing. Somehow this makes me feel better.

I've made a decision to get in touch with one person that I haven't been in contact for a while each week. Yesterday I had a great talk with a retired nurse. I had a specific question to ask her on behalf of another but we had a long chat and agreed we should get together for lunch.

Anonymous

Dancing lessons! Do you and your hubby like to dance? It's great exercise. And you would meet other people too.
I have known a few couples who enjoyed this activity.

My MIL and FIL have passed away. There are pictures I don't know what to do with. I thought about getting a making a "vintage" scrapbook that my girls could have. I've never scrapbooked (is that a word?), but I think it would do my mind wonders. Like making me focus and organize.

I understand the "failure" part. It takes commitment...losing weight, joining a club or whatever. We have to be committed and that's the very hardest thing for me to do.

Good luck in finding some hobby or trying something new in your life.
Shirley

Poppy

Maybe you two could take a dance class or lessons in something else that would get you around other couples. My Mom (who is a little bit of a hermit) recently joined Weight Watchers and she really likes it. I'm hoping that she'll meet some people that she likes as a side benefit. Maybe you could do something like that - where you might meet women you like - hopefully they are 1/2 of a great couple you could go out with! That would also get the weight thing jumpstarted.
Hugs
Erica

EachDay

Sandy, there IS more to life than home and work. You know that deep down and that's why you're feeling so agitated. It's not just looking at your mother and saying "I don't want to be like that", it's knowing that you are ready for something more, you just haven't found the direction. But I'm certain that you will.

Re-discovery of ourselves is something that should happen on a regular basis as life changes us all the time. It's something we should look at as part of our life's evolution.

I forgot to mention a couple of books. I stumbled on one (Something More), a couple of years before my breast cancer diagnosis, because I was coming to a point where I was starting to feel that "what else is there" feeling. And I've read and re-read the book many times.

Sarah Ban Breathnach writes them. She's a bit "fluffy" for some I would say and her ideas seem very "simple", but really, nothing needs to be complicated or difficult when you look for change. These books can be found in libraries and book stores. I started with "Something More, Excavating Your Authentic Self", read "Simple Abundance", "Romancing the Ordinary" and "Moving On, Creating Your House of Belonging". They aren't psychological texts, they aren't "deeply profound", and yet they gave me answers to some of the questions I'd been asking.

And dancing as has been mentioned? Great for exercise and great for feeling good. Even if you go alone at first and take tap or ballet, hip hop or jazz, maybe even line dancing, as you would have as a child. Unlock that inner child and you'll be quite surprised at who comes to the forefront!

gwenn

I did weight watchers 15 years ago. I loved it! It was the old program, none of this points thing. Anyhow I say go for the weight watchers. You'll meet people plus the program and staff are trained to help you be successful and make you feel successful. I can relate to your post. I too have been battling boredom for about 2 years now. I've been feeling unsatisfied in my job, relationship, etc. So finally being sick of my situation I joined a class that is going to start this week. I got my textbook in the mail yesterday and I almost started crying. The class has not even started and Im already stressing out about the commitment. I just keep telling myself to go, I need the mental stimulation and the change. And I've given myself permission to enjoy the class, not take it too seriously, and be ok if I don't get an A. My class is at the local community college. Lots of community colleges have continuing educatin classes. These tend to be fun. Maybe look into one of those.

EachDay

I really liked what you said Gwenn, that you have "given yourself permission to enjoy the class and not take it too seriously". That's fabulous!!! Not putting pressure on yourself to get an A is a really good way to view this. There's obviously some nerves about doing this but I think that's a good way to be...because it will be a challenge for you, one that you can control. Hope you have a great deal of fun and enjoyment from it!

KariLynn

Pick a cause and volunteer! You will meet people, get out of the house and help others. I just worked a few days at the fair for Angels Among Us and met some really nice poeple. There are a lot of places who could use help where you would meet others.

Maybe your hubby would like to do this too and you could both meet people.

2bubbas

It has nothing to do with your age, it's that you are still in your same rut, and the people around you are moving away. We move all the time since we are in the military, and in our 40's. You just do what you have to do to make a life and have fun and friends. There are probably a lot of interesting things around you, but you are so used to your habits that you never see what's right in front of you.

When we move we always get plugged right in to a church and bible study. I just signed up for a cooking class. It helps that my boys are 7 y.o., so I hang out at the playground with them.

livesstrong

Sandy,

Were in Jersey are you? I'm in North Brunswick. Maybe we can hook up. Check out my Home page for my details.

Valerie

SandyInNJ63

There's alot of great advise in this thread. I knew I came to the right place.

First, let me say that today my boss called me in at the end of the day and told me my promotion was officially approved! Like I said earlier, my work life is going very well....for a change

It's actually the rest of the time that I'm bored. How crazy it that..that my job is more satisfying than my personal life Ugh, how utterly depressing..

mke: don't you just love your cat, I love animals and have a dog and a cat that I adore. Anyway, I like your approach and ideas to un-bore yourself. Thanks for the tips

Shirley: I've considered dancing lessons, but my husband isn't big on dancing (he has to be a little drunk to get on a dancefloor), great idea though.

poppy-not sure i'd like Weight Watchers although several women at work on are it and one of them really lost alot of weight on it. I maybe would consider an exercise class or a gym (I joined one only a month before my diagnosis) but changed jobs since then which was where the gym was... I haven't re-joined anything around here and it's been 2 years

EachDay: thanks for the book titles, I'm definately going to check them out.

gwenn: another great idea, taking a class that interests you. I was actually an art major in college, but didn't get very far in school..and I haven't picked up a pencil or brush since. I just got one of those brochures for the non-credit courses at the community college, I should see if anything sounds interesting.

Karilynn: volunteering is an awesome idea, something with animals would be great

twobubbles: you're absolutely right, I'm sticking with old habits..I'm so overdue for some new habits, hopefully some healthy habits

Hi Valerie, I'm in Hamilton, not far at all from you. (I'll pm you)

One other thing, I have a history of clinical depression, however, I can say without a doubt that I am not depressed..seems like I should be, but I'm not. So I'm grateful that the boredom hasn't pulled me back into that place, I just need to make sure I make a conscious effort to get off my a$$ and do something about my life instead of complaining about it. Much, much easier said than done, but I will try

suave

Hi, my kids take tennis for free and I see so many older people, even in their 60's playing tennis. You and your husband can either join a free tennis program and after that play on your own or you can pay a coach to teach you a few lessons and then be on your own. I noticed that there are many people meeting this way. check out, www.nyjtl.org, usta.org I think or do a good search. If you have tennis courts near you go and check it out. Trust me, anyone can h it the ball and it is good for both of you.

Sierra

Hi Sandy:

I guess at times we all become
bored, somewhat

Really, I am busy every day, so
much to do and see, not enough time
walk near every morning
early

I am close to nature. Do you like
being out hiking or birding? that is a
wonderful pastime, especially in the fall
and fall fairs start up very soon
http://www.birdforum.net/

animals as well here
chat too

If you want any websites e mail me

I have met people on line, stayed
at one gal's farm, a few years back

Volunteering, Community centres
Church, Art Galleries, museum
FArms... I visit a great deal

Best to you!!

Libraries, just browsing.. lots of fun



)

Just take a bus somewhere
day trip.. smaller town
and do the mall there
whatever

SandyInNJ63

Thanks Suave and Sierra for the ideas. My co-worker and I were just talking the other day, she was telling me that she used to play alot of tennis but doesn't anymore. I haven't picked up a racket since I was a teenager, but it is awesome exercise.

I do love nature and hiking, but waiting for the cooler weather to do that. I also bought a mountain bike last year that I've only ridden about a half-dozen times so far, again, with the cooler weather coming soon here in the northeast, I should be able to take advantage of doing more activity outside again.

Somehow, I'd like to find a way to make the weekend evenings different than the weekday evenings..they seem to run together anymore. I do the same thing on Friday and Saturday nights as I do any other night, I think that's what really has me trying to find something else to do. And that's where having a few more friends would be a great thing.

In any case, talking about this and saying it out loud has made me really want to make the effort..so thanks again everyone for letting me complain

lvtwoqlt

My husband is a long haul trucker but his company makes sure he is home on weekends. I spend all week at home by myself so I have done a few things to keep me busy every evening. Monday evening I go to a local quilt guild meeting where we sit and do hand work or bring in machines and learn new techniques for piecing. this week tuesday I joined a restorative yoga class lead by the cancer coordinator nurse. Wednesday is Bible Study and Thursday, I clean the house and get ready to spend the weekend with my husband.

Sheila

iodine

I go tomorrow to sign up a the local community college to audit history classes. DH and I audited art appreciation classes a few years ago prior to traveling to Italy. It was a huge help to begin study in art history.
My nursing education was rather narrow way back when so I like taking classes now and then to broaden it.
I have cats at home and don't have the patience to train a dog, so I walk dogs at the humane society. I have no acting talent, so I volunteer at the local community theater. they need all sorts of stuff done that DOESN"T include raising money.
I also am able to listen to first graders read to me one or two mornings a week at the elementry school closest to the housing projects. (I don't have grandchildren and may never---sigh)
I swim laps in a heated pool to build up leg strength, and have been able to delay a knee replacement!!! It took about 4 months to get to that point but I am thrilled. I do it 3 days a week. I've lost one pant size doing it, too.
Two friends and I started going to the senior center to play cards - canasta, if you believe it-- one time a week. Lots of young at heart folks there, with great senses of humour. It is lovely to meet new people and certainly gets me out of a rut.