OT - Major rant and vent

MrsBee

It's been two years now since the biopsies that diagnosed my BC. I'm having some emotional issues with it. Yesterday, I was trying to explain to my husband how I'm feeling and why. The more I tried to talk to him, the more frustrated I became. He kept interrupting me with "It's in the past" and "Don't dwell on the negative" and other such platitudes. I wound up in tears of frustration and just had to leave the room to bawl.

I know that I'm doing "fine" right now - I have dozens of lab reports to prove it. But, for a cancer patient - especially a two-time cancer patient (as I am) - cancer is never completely "in the past." Not when I have to be diligent about keeping my follow-up appointments and staying current on all diagnostic testing. Not when I live with a fear in the back of my mind that either of my cancers could recur at any time. Not when I live with the knowledge that, for whatever reason, "my body likes to make tumors," as my surgeon pointed out, and I know that something else could pop up. Not that I want anything else to happen or that I expect anything else to happen.

I was just trying to tell him how I'm feeling and why. He can't even shut up and listen to me.

And the worst part is that our internet is STILL down at home and I have to go out somewhere to find a wifi site. I couldn't even come here and talk to you guys last night.

Shirlann

Honey, this is so normal. You wouldn't believe. First of all, the men are supposed to take care of you and the kids and fix or stop any threat to your well-being.

He could not fix or stop the cancer, this is hard on our men. So, he does not want to talk about it. But, men NEVER want to talk about anything much. I saw a MySpace post that had about 3 paragraphs of what women say to themselves when they meet a new man. Then, they had listed what the man was thinking at the same time, it was "SEX".

It sounds rude and alarming, but they are really quite simple creatures. Women like to talk, and talk about everything. We turn it left, we turn it right, we push it sideways and talk and talk and talk. Men, just don't.

When something unpleasant happens in their life, as soon as they have done what they can to fix it, they simply erase it and expect you to do the same.

This is just the nature of men.

So, what to do? Come here and we will talk your arm off and whisper in the hole! ANYTIME at all.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

Sandra1957

Mrs. Bee ~ I'm feeling your angst, too. I'm 20 months since dx. Just had my exchange about 6 weeks ago, so now everything is supposed to be hunky-dory according to my DH. Just had my annual pap and it seems my uterus feels larger than last year, so have an ultrasound scheduled. My body seems to grow stuff too. Just had a cyst aspirated from my foot last week, have some on my ovaries, and now a new kidney one. WTH!! As if we don't have enough to watch. I have made a serious effort to get through the past few years without being a big pain in the butt and tried to do as much for myself as possible. I know it could've been so much worse and I am truly grateful for that, but to say "it's in the past" or "don't dwell" when you live from test to test, appt to appt is hard thing to do. I don't feel like I'm dwelling and I am moving on, or maybe just moving, but three med. appts. last week and two this upcoming week makes it kind of difficult to say "it's in the past". It'll never be in the past. I suppose that we have to find a new way to deal with our new present.

I've been teary too. Maybe it's time for a pity party and we can all console, lend an ear or shoulder, rant, or whatever needs to be.

Hugs to you!!

lini

gracejon

I only discuss how I feel in two places. On this board and sometimes to my PCP. No one else wants to know and really doesn't care to understand. I don't believe running my head into the brick wall time and again so just nod my head and say everything's fine! That is the way I live and have just reconciled myself to the fact that that's all there is. Life is easier given my resolve to keep it this way. I do get concerned that one day this board may also get tired of my angst but since many people here feel just as affected, I think I am in good company. I will try to keep my support to those who need it also.

Anonymous

I was used to seeing a doctor every six months (pcp..bloodwork because of some meds), and gyn once a year. However, that was a very different type of appointment. Now we are always reminded of what can happen. We see our oncs and sometimes see cancer patients we know that are going through treatment, therefore being reminded every few months. And we do get upset when strange pains pop up that we would probably never had thought about before.

I don't talk with my DH much about these things. When I do mention them he doesn't like "to go there."
Shirley

Jorf

I've been thinking about this today after another discussion of the same ilk.

I think that all of the people around us that love us and care for us (especially those that cared for us during treatment) really just want it all to go away. Not necessarily for their own selfish reasons but because they love us and care for us and don't want us to get cancer again and don't want us to be thinking about it a lot. They want US to put it in the past.

And I think they have a point. I'm not sure that more than a moment of awareness: "Oh, I'm thinking about cancer again and afraid that it might come back. Hm. I wonder why." And then if I'm feeling back about something else I'll remind myself to focus on that instead. And if I'm really feeling ok and it's just a random thought I'll do the Pema Chodran thing: "Thinking!" and go on with life. It's mindfulness meditation stuff and I think useful, for me, in this situation.

If I go into too much of a pity party for myself about having had cancer it just draws me down. For me, it doesn't do me any good and I'm getting better at moving on from it and trying to redirect my focus on what's happening right now.

I thought about why we have the temptation to bring it up with people while I was hanging out with a friend today. I said something that could have included relating it to cancer (and this is a friend that I can talk to to about it) but it wasn't really necessary. I think about all the people in the world that have this or that ongoing or finished disorder, disease, distress and most of them tend NOT to bring it up a lot. Maybe partially because they didn't get as much attention for having had a heart attack, breakdown, divorce, dog die as we did for having cancer. I think it's part of what I call "cancer entitlement" - that urge to think that we deserve special attention because we had GASP cancer. I include myself in that so I'm not trying to flame anyone for it - the only person I'd flame for that is myself!

Anyway, my advice is to find someone who can hear you - a therapist, an oncology social worker, a friend who isn't freaked out by it. Or get a nice book and a pen you enjoy writing with and keep a journal.

Sorry you're feeling bad and that your response to your husband's response makes you feel worse. It certainly can be a vicious circle. But as we say in the horse world, only the one with the big brain can stop a discussion with the one with the bigger muscles.

roseg

MrsBee! I'm sorry you're stressed, but I'm glad to hear from you again. I've been wondering how you've been doing.

You have had a rough time. About the best you can do is appreciate every day as a gift.

Anyway - I'm glad to hear you're about.....

wallan

MRSBee;
I hear ya'.... I understand you just want a hug and some compassion. I know. My hubby too doesn't understand really. He tries at times. Its been a little over 3 years for me now and I am still dealing with treatment issues. I mean, menopause, hot flashes, mood swings, exhaustion, chemobrain, joint pain, weight gain... on and on... and the fear in the back of my mind. My hubby wants me to get on with it and will berate me and then other times he is understanding. So men don't really get it.

But we do. HUGS to you...

Wendy A

Anonymous

I agree with everything everyone here has said, from the need for others to be in denial about the reality of cancer to our need to retain recognition for having to deal with its repercussions. I'd like to suggest too that the way in which breast cancer is treated in the media might also contribute to others' attitude that we should "get over it." It seems to me that BC is currently so "in vogue" that it's viewed almost as an expected part of most women's lives and getting through it is practically a walk in the park. In fact, each time another celebrity is diagnosed, it seems that the media glorifies tham as tough enough to see it as only a little blip on life's radar. For those of us for whom this isn't so, we can acknoledge it among ourselves, but nobody else seems to be buying it. I find this shocking and pathetic, but it's just yet another instance of cultural denial, I think. So we keep it to ourselves and discuss it only with those select people who will understand...if we can find any.

Marin

Chattypatti

Just sending some cyber (((HUGS))) your way. Everyone has given great advice! You deserve to be heard!

patti

MrsBee

Thanks, guys.

I talked to my counselor about all this at my session on Monday. She thought it would be a good idea to discuss this with my DH with her to facilitate. Did no good. He doesn't get it at all. I just have to rely on talking to her about it, I guess. Or coming here and talking to you guys.

I wasn't really mad at him this morning . . . just kind of amazed at his refusal to let me process my feelings by talking to him. A funny thing happened as we were walking out of the counselor's office, and I can't help but think that it was my guardian angel sticking up for me or "someone" giving him a cosmic "thump" or something. I walked past a crepe myrtle and dodged a limb that extended out over the pathway. I didn't push it out of the way at all. Well, he came along right behind me, and that same limb smacked him right in the mouth! Bwahahahahahaha! The universe has its way of getting our attention sometimes, especially when we're being a butt about something.

Anyway, for now, I'll just talk to the cat I'm holding in my avatar picture if I can't see my counselor. The cat at least acts like he's listening and he won't tell me to "get over it already."

Sandra1957

That's too funny, Mrs. Bee. I think the idiot DH thing is in the air. Mine has truly been the best for the most part, but lately, uh-uh. In fact that's probably why I've been posting so much. If I tell somebody my thoughts in real life then I feel like I'm whining. It is nice to have all of you hear to "listen".

Best to you. Hope you feel better.

lini

suave

MrsBee, I have a different problem. My husband acts overly concern if I feel anything. It doesn't feel good. I don't like that if I have a headache he already thinks cancer. I don't want that. So, your case is difficult because you have the need to talk. Atleast, your husband is thinking positive. I wish I could sometimes say, I have a headache and cancer not be in his mind. I don't want to think cancer all the time. What a bummer.