New Here- Please help- being pressured by parents

irish4

Hello everyone,
I have read your posts for awhile, but this is my first time posting. I am 34 years old with 3 small children. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last Nov. Stage IIa - no node involvement. I had a double mastectomy since we have tested positive for the BRCA gene. I went through 4 months of chemo finishing in April. I am now taking tamoxifen and getting used to the idea of being in menopause at 34. I am preparing for my second stage reconstruction next week. Throughout chemo, I have tried to keep life happy and normal for my 3 children, however sometimes I am overwhelmed with first the shock of it all, anxiety, some fear of recurrence. These feelings come and go, but my issue is that my parents keep telling me I'm too negative, not being positive enough and I should just "get over it-the cancer's gone and I need to move on"
I am just not there yet, I am still trying to make sense of everything and adjust to this new life, new body, and all the changes menopause brings. I think these are nomal feelings, they feel there's something wrong with me.
Anything you can share would be apreciated!

JoanofArdmore

Dear Irish,
I'm so sorry your parents are making you feel you're not being positive.You dont deserve this!A young woman your age who has been through what you have and is GOING through the changes you are going through..has every right not to be a bundle of joy all the time!
It's hard going through menopause, much less at 34!
It's hard to have your body "betray "you by getting a deathly disease.
And since this has happened to you, how can you not hope it is over for good?

I think you're doing WONDERFULLY!You are raising your 3 kids and being, I think, VERY positive.
I wish you the very best of luck and happiness!


BTW-since your family is BRCA +, has your mom had BC?I tend to doubt it.Or maybe she had "Cheryl Crowe bc".
Once a woman has had double mast and chemo, she's not always so..merry.

Again, best to you.
In my book, YOU ROCK!

hugs, Joan

Alberta2007

I'm new here and am wondering - what is Cheryl Crow bc?

irish4

Thank you so much for your reply. Actually, if you can believe it my mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer and was 1 month ahead of me as we went through the same chemo cycles! She is 67 and lives in Florida and I live near Chicago so we were not able to be with each other through it. It was her second BC, her first was 5 years ago

LuAnnH

irish, your feelings are normal. Sometimes people don't really understand how we feel when our mortality is staring us in the face. You seem to be doing very well by keeping things as normal as possible for your kids. Being able to come here and shares my fears and vent about this illness really helps me alot. I was having that discussion with a really good friend this week. She is very supportive but will sometimes tell me I need to stay positive. And sometimes I just need to express my feelings and have an occassional down day, just as long as I don't stay in that dark place. Maybe a support group or meeting some other people in your area that have bc would help. I really like meeting and talking with other survivors. It is good therapy for me.

LuAnn

Member_of_the_Club

Oh my, your mother's comments are so much about her and not you. She WANTS you to be better and she can't bear any negativity. It is too painful for her.

Have you found a good therapist? This is an incredibly difficult thing to go through and it really, really helps to call in professionals. Also, you need to find another outlet for your feelins other than your mother. Yeah, she's your mom, but these conversations are making you feel worse and you don't need that. Plus she has made it very clear that she doesn't want to hear it.

Come here and talk to us instead. We get it.

Also, you will probably get your period back. Every woman i know who went through treatment in her 30s eventually got her period back.

JoanofArdmore

Wow, Irish4!Sorry! A bc blitz!
(Quote:"Thank you so much for your reply. Actually, if you can believe it my mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer and was 1 month ahead of me as we went through the same chemo cycles! She is 67 and lives in Florida and I live near Chicago so we were not able to be with each other through it. It was her second BC, her first was 5 years ago")

Still, as a 65 year old myself,with teenage grandkids, I constantly am in awe of you young ones with kids. You guys are SO awesome!
I mean all I had to do was get my chemo, do a little housework, shop for groceries.You have to actually run a home, care for those babies day by day.AND have, in the back of your mind, whether you will get to see them grow up.(You WILL!)
I'm just saying there is much more involved for a young mother.
Big love to you, j

iodine

Please ck out the board for young women with bc. There is a special place for you young gals. You are so welcome here, of course, but you also deserve to talk to other young moms.
I think there's a site called FORCE??? too.

scroll on down for the younger gals and keep comming here. You are so cared about and you don't have to be positive, you just have to be YOU,

Toronto

Dotti beat me to it, go to the young womens' section. And stay here too.

Now your mother is going through her own thing and it is complicated. Likely she is feeling a bit guilty - like it's her fault you have BC (it isn't of course). Likely she is also scared, having BC twice does make one a bit twitchy. Also she is of a generation that tends to believe in the "stiff upper lip".

It may be that your parents are too involved in their own situation and fears to be the support that you would like them to be for you. So get your support elsewhere and just say positive things to them. Well try.

Damn, if I had 3 little kids while going through menopause and BC and someone had told me to be "positive"- well I positively would have done something that would not have been pretty. Clearly you are a much nicer person.

Larry44

Irish,

It took me close to a year to mentally process the fact that I had breast cancer and I did not have to deal with menopause. Everyone processes tragedies at their own rate, there is no standard response that one should have to a tragedy and being diagnosed with bc is a tragedy. I think you are doing great, keep it up and don't let your parents bug you. You will move on when the time is right for you to do so.

NoH8

I've learned over the years that there are some people who understand parts of my life, others who understand all of it. When I realize that a particular friend or family member just doesn't "get it" about an aspect of my life, I choose to discuss that with those who do. It's a way of protecting myself and maintaining positive relationships. It takes way too much energy and is usually fruitless to try to change people's minds.

Sierra

Hi Irish ((((Irish)))

Everyone is different
they do not walk in OUR shoes
I have heard this said to people
who have lost a dear one
Get Over it.. That does not work

I did
counselling/therapy
nyself and it
was so helpful (at various times)
Can not imagine how the sisters do
it with young children (I am in touch with a few
and send the wee ones cards)

Re: "positive" attitude
Some people are not able to do
this, nor should they feel
they HAVE to

YOU are doing a wonderful job
and carry such a big plate
and sending out special thoughts
to you and your little ones!

Also, sending healing to your MOM
Hope she moves forward with her DX

If you could just (try) to take
One Day at a time
otherwise all is overwhelming

)

LizM

I am sorry that your family does not understand how you are feeling; however, I think that is quite common. I am really surprised that your mom does not understand your feelings having gone through bc herself but everyone reacts differently to this journey. My husband just doesn't get it either. He was absolutely wonderful to me during my active treatment. He was my nurse Betty - took care of my drains, etc and was by my side all during chemo and rads. However, when it was all over he just didn't understand why I wasn't happy. I truly believe that I suffered for post traumatic stress syndrome and now that I am getting close to my 2 year mark and just had a good appt with my oncologist I am starting to feel a little more like I may have a life ahead of me. For me, coming to these boards has helped me tremendously as there was always someone who would come along and respond to my posts and make me feel better. That was enough for me. I have given up on trying to make my famiy understand my feelings. I don't think they can and that's OK.

Diana_B

It sounds to me like you're the leader here. You have the ability to deal with the fullness of your experience in a way that your mother doesn't.

She's problematized you (even though you've got a healthy response, I think). It might be useful for you not to absorb it, but to make it her problem.

For example, you could say something like, "your fear makes it difficult for me to discuss this with you". My mother did that to me too for a while in our relationship and I would say "you know exactly why I feel this way. I know that you know it inside of you. I'm not going to explain something you already know. You're not an idiot - you can understand this." It worked and now she never plays dumb with me (yes, i have often been brutally honest with my mother - poor woman! lol).

(most parents actually want to be helpful, and i've also found it effective just to keep saying "you're not helping me!" whenever they say anything dumb)

People who are in denial try to make you do all the work. For example, you're here on this board, discussing and worrying and examining yourself, while she's probably not. Something about putting the ball back in her court.

GreenHeron

Not much I can add to the chorus of self-awareness and sanity. However, I would share that I am a VERY positive person and post treatment was the hardest thing for me. The active fight was done, the fear remained, and I finally had to deal with feelings that I just had not the time to indulge.

Each of our journey is unique, and no one, NO ONE, has the right to put you into a label or category followed by judgement.

As Walt Whitman said (in another context, but it does work).."I am large; I contain multitudes." You can be positive, negative, up, down, sad, happy, exuberant, etc. all you want to. You've earned the rainbow.

Flashdif

althea

I had to take a timeout from my mom while I went through chemo, surgery, and rads. She's polite to a fault, and a bc survivor herself, but I was taught early to be the good little girl who doesn't ever get into trouble. It's an exhausting charade.

Everyone moves on at their own rate. My progress feels microscopically slow. Perhaps your mom 'moves on' with the positive attitude pipedream. I'm all for positive attitudes, but that quote from Molly Ivins comes to mind -- your cancer cells don't give a rat's ass whether you have a positive attitude or not! Since you have some physical distance from your mom, perhaps you can strike a balance between setting boundaries while having a relationship that fits into your comfort zone for this time. When you're facing surgery, the most important person in your life is YOU. Please put yourself first and keep anyone who's a stressor at arm's length for a while. Come here with your concerns. We get it.

Anonymous

Sometimes parents do not know how they come across to their children. I have three grown daughters and I TRY to keep my mouth shut. However, I try to sympathize when they need it.

I have a friend who many years ago gave stillbirth to a child. She went through fertility treatments to have this baby. About a year after the birth of her baby she still was having those "sad" times. Her mom said just what your mom said, "just get over it." I didn't know my friend at that time, but I told her that her mom is just not a mom who can put her arms around her and just hold her. Some parents are that way. And I'm sure your mom is hurting deeply for you, but just can't express it.

Like the ladies have said, come here. We understand. And like some of the ladies have said for you who are so young with children, oh wow! do I admire your strength! Elizabeth Edwards, in her book, wrote about having help with her young children while other ladies didn't. She understood how hard it was to take care of young children.

Although my children were adults when I was diagnosed I tried to stay positive for them. That's why it's great to have a place like this to come and share your concerns and fears. Or to ask questions.

Don't be hard on yourself.
Shirley

Anonymous

I can't write anything better than these other ladies, they have said it all.

I am a single mother with a 6 year old. It's hard and I am 2 years out. Thankfully, my parents don't think we are "over it" and they are still supportive, as much as they can be. They were here for my treatments and now beyond helping with care for my dear daughter (dd). My sister is the one who stepped up to the plate and said she will take care of dd if my dx is not what we want.

No matter the dx, the scare of cancer is real and sometimes it's not a good outcome. Our fears are real and the fear of recurrence and mets are real. We can't just "move on" ..... unfortunately. Our fams don't want to talk about it, come here, as Joan said, and talke about it here.

Much love and support,
Kelly

irish4

Good news to report. I had a long talk with my parents and they apologized for how they have been handling things. I printed out all of you replies and read them highlights from each. I really think this is what got through to them. I think they began to see that I wasn't being "negative" just normal. I can't thank you enough for all of your responses!

Diana_B

That's wonderful news - I'm really happy for you!

Anonymous

That IS great news! Good for you for "enlightening" them.
Shirley

Catherine

I agree with Sierra, take things one day at a time. It's hard for someone who has not been through this to understand how traumatic it really is. Hang in there and take care of yourself and your family.

Catherine

Shirlann

It is perfectly normal to be a wreck. We all were or are in the same boat.

We suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and all it takes to really get us down is someone saying, "What is wrong? Your cancer is gone, you should be happy".

It takes several years to get out of this particular hole. Our bodies have let us down, we have been beaten up for months at a time, everyone else is JUST FINE and we are still in this awful hole.

Your parents are just frantic that they will lose you so they think if they push you to be "happy", you will be okay. It is they that can't stand what has happened to you. They have the problem, you are responding perfectly normally.

So have pity on them, they are terrified, and pay them back by living a long, long life.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

dkmaustx

I'm one of the positive attitude people, but I don't think I'd fault anyone for not having one. There were some days when I didn't see the positive side of things and muddled through that day and on to the next. By the time I told anyone else about it, it didn't seem so bad.

You are going through a lot of things right now, you don't have to be any certain way for others; you have to do things the best way for you. It's hard to "get over it" when you are still being bombarded with info and treatments. Take your time to come to grips with everything that's been thrown at you. There isn't a time limit for feelings; take as long as you need.