Very scared newbie

misala

Hi, I was just diagnosed a week and a half ago. I'm 35 with three kids, boys 11 and 6 1/2 and 15 month old girl. I found a lump back in January, went to the surgeon in April. It was around a cm and he gave me a 98% assurance it was related to breastfeeding. Now I have two lumps between 2-3 centimeters and am scheduled for a mastectomy August 16th. Most of the time I feel pretty strong and ready for the fight. Now and then, though, I fall apart. I'm so scared of dying and leaving my wonderful husband and kids. I'm scared of the chemo I will be going through. I'm scared the anti-nausea drugs won't work for me. I'm scared my kids will hate me. I'm scared that I'm going to get ugly. I'm scared of everything. :>} Help!

stacey2930

Hi, It normal to have all those feelings. You will find by visiting this site, so many women have walked in your shoes and have come out of it stronger than ever. Your kids will ALWAYS love you no matter what. Your not going to look ugly and if your husband is "wonderful" as you describe him to be then he will be their for you. I was 42 when I was diagnosed. I was terrified beyond words but it's been 2 years and I'm still here! I finished my Master's degree while undergoing radiation treatment and suffering extreme panic attacks from "post tramatic stress" I am doing so much better thank God. I would recommeded you ask your MD about antianxiety medication such as Xanax or Ativan to help you through this difficult time. Dont try to tough it out on your own. You will find so much strength and knowledge on this website. Take care. Hugs, Stacey

determinedmom

Hang in there. I'm 45 w/ boys 11 & 14 and can share your fears. Have you had biopsy? My biopsies were DCIS x 2, went ahead with dbl mastectomy as my MRI also showed possible invasive CA on each breast and I just wanted to be rid of both. All my tissue came back negative, just a lot of precancerous areas so no need for chemo or rad. Had expanders put in and slowly getting filled. My boys have been great. They help w/ laundry, cleaning, dinner, etc. and haven't complained once or hesitated to help. My husband has also been wonderful with everything. This is a wonderful site, a lot of encouragement and support. The chat room is also great - it's a chance to talk live.

Also, go get pj's and shirts that button up the front - you'll need them. If you have great friends, perhaps ask for dinner one night after surgery - you'll be suprised how willing your friends are to help. Xanax is definitely a good idea. Best wishes.

katielou2

It is very scary, I know. But you can get through it. I went through similar last fall and am cancer-free as of April 2007. I kept a blog through the whole thing and it was very therapeutic (ktscoop.blogspot.com, please browse if you want to read about my chemo/surgery/radiation experiences. Chemo was not bad, honest!) My kids (7yr, 4yr, 2yr, 5 mos at time of diagnosis) were so accepting. They loved my wigs, loved to put tattoos on my bald head, and created a new game called Draw Eyebrows on Mommy. We lived through it all with very little trauma. You can do it, too. Just don't forget to concentrate on yourself and focus on your healing.

Anonymous

These are all the same things I was feeling just a few months ago. What I've learned along the way is that anticipation of what is next has always been worse than the actual event. I was terrified of getting a lumpectomy, but it wasn't that bad. Then I didn't have clear margins so I had a mastectomy just 2 weeks later. I was so afraid that I would not have clear margins, but it turned out OK and the recovery wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Then came the news that I needed chemo. I spent a lot of time talking to my oncologist about anti-nausea meds. He told me that having severe morning sickness during pregnancy was an indicator that nausea would be bad with chemo too. He gave me 5 different drugs to fight nausea. I felt like crap for a week after each treatment but I never threw up once. I worried about how my husband and daughters would react when I lost my hair. My husband buzzed it off for me one day when I couldn't take the itching and hair falling out anymore. I got used to wearing scarves. My kids did just fine all along with all of the changes.

Some of my friends let me down a bit. Others stepped up to the plate and went so far above and beyond that it's amazing. Friends and coworkers cooked meals, brought activities for the kids, called, etc.

It's all scary, but it's amazing what we can all learn to handle. That doesn't make it fun - but you can survive it.

Be active here, read a lot and learn from others experiences. Let us know what you need. Hang in there!

LittleFlower

Misala,
Fear pretty much sums up breast cancer. I was diagnosed at 29, last year in June. I can say it is a roller coaster. You're strong sometimes, then other times you need to cry, you need to be angry and vent. There is nothing fun about the process, but it's a road many are and have travelled. See, you're not alone. You're body will go through changes, but YOU WILL BE OK. You're going to take the antinausea meds and be fine. My biggest fear during chemo was vomiting and constantly feeling sick. You know though, it was a few bad days without any vomiting, and then alot of good days physically before the next treatment. It's not as bad as your mind makes it out to be. You as a person will not change, your inner beauty will never change, and your physical appearance, though it may be altered briefly, will soon recover too! It is so hard to deal with the whole process, but i tell you, dealing emotionally with it is the most important thing, and at some point you will find acceptance and healing. The initial diagnosis is the worst, it's like a rug has been jerked out from under you. Every morning you will wake up and realize you're not dying, you are living, and you will be stronger than ever once you've travelled this road to recovery. Good luck and come back and post often.
LittleFlower

chemomom

Misala, I feel like we are in the same boat! I am 32, married, and have 2 boys ages 2 & 4 1/2. This freakin diagnosis has me mad as heck. It's NOT supposed to happen. Our kids are too young! People around me have been FANTASTIC, family, friends, coworkers, it seems everyone has rallied around me. And yet I have stuck in my head that it could be for nothing. I have a 7cm HER2+ tumor that seems to have a mind/agenda of its own. So if you are mad and sad, i am here with you. The fear of over-burdening my husband now that I am feeling frequently rotten AND the idea of not performing as "the best mommy I can be" have my brain in a tailspin. I am trying to find the fine line between accepting the sunshine & roses people want me to believe and the reality of my condition as I know it. So I am here and ready to talk if you want to. Angie