Anyone starting Chemo in August 07?

lilith

OH Nash! How scary, i am so sorry you have to go through this - of course we all hope it is a false positive. It sucks, sucks, sucks...

I had an MRI guided biopsy. Not much different than the MRI actually... you get the contrast in the veins, off you go in the machine. The doctor goes in from under, and does the biopsy (for me that was a large needle) while seeing where he goes with the image for guidance, it is to be sure they actually get to the right spot. I found it actually less unpleasant than a normal biopsy, because you don't see anything (and don't feel a thing). Well, of course, the MRI machine is ugly and scary.

Heavens I wish I could be there holding your hand. You poor thing - you must be so totally scared. When is it scheduled?  

nash

Thanks, girls. They're supposed to call me by the end of the week, to schedule for next week. I have to say I feel so much better in the hands of the new onc and her staff. Thank God I'm not going through this with the old group. I just called the nurse b/c I'd forgotten to ask doc for the report, and the nurse faxed it to me within 30 seconds. She rocks, just like Dr. Ozzy. She also said she'd started all the paperwork and alerted the radiology dept that they should get me in ASAP so I didn't have to stress forever.

My first biopsy was u/s guided, since the mass was palpable. I can't feel this one, although I haven't checked carefully in a couple of months. Was just thinking I should really do that this week, ironically. Anyhow, I was wondering how in the world they do the biopsy while you're in the MRI machine. But it does sound more civilized than lying there with my boob exposed and everyone staring at me, like the first biopsy.

The report said there is a new area of enhancement, about .5 cm all around. BIRADS 4, indeterminate in nature. So it's not obviously spiculated or anything liike that, but what the hell could it possibly be?!?!?!?!

I wish you girls could come hold my hand, too. This is torture w/o my mom here, but at the same time, I wouldn't want her to have to go through all of this again, either. My poor DH is near hysteria (well, hysteria for him, in a man way), so I try not to give him a lot of gory details about all this.

DGHoff

Oh Nash, that is lousy. I wish I could be there to go with you. 

nash

Thank you, girls. I wish you could all be there with me, too!

I scheduled the biopsy--unfortunately it has to be done around my period, since that affects the MRI, and they were booked for tomorrow, which is the last day it could have been done this cycle. So it's going to be on 3/16. It sucks to wait that long, but I already have an onc appointment on 3/18 anyhow, and maybe she can get the path results that day. Plus, my veins are shot from the IV antibiotics and the MRI on Monday (one vein is blown out, I have a hematoma on another, and we're running out of places to poke), so it wouldn't hurt to wait and have those heal up.

They're going to place a clip, which I know a lot of girls get, but the whole idea of waltzing around with a clip in my boob is very off-putting.

katoMato

Nash, don't worry about the clip - it's TINY and you don't even know it's there. (Except when I had an MRI - not the MRI guided Biop - and I could feel it gently "pull" to the magnet...it was really weird.

Dh reminded me that I had had an "area of enhancement" on the other side, and it ended up being nothing...so there is a chance this is a false alarm. I've cast my vote...

I had my  mammogram and 1 yr check up yesterday. In light of Jackie's question and my quick and foolish answer at the time...he did not just glance at me and say "fine, go." He felt under my arm where my lymph nodes used to live - so, Jackie, I guess that is the issue. Someone should be checking your lymph nodes. If it's not going to be your (absent) surgeon, it should be someone.

Nash, the 16th of Mar is on my calendar...another hug. 

nash

Kaye, thanks for the good thoughts. Did you have your area of enhancement biopsied? They gave mine a BIRADS 4.

I hope the mammo went well and that the results will be uneventful. 

katoMato

No, I didn't have it biopsied - every other test said it was nothing, and then the next year that area of concern was gone.

I looked up Birads 4 and found  this (for my own edification) 4 doesn't sound good, but at least it's not 5, or 6. It sounds as though she's being agressive, and on top of it - for which I'm happy. We'll keep praying.

My mammogram was fine. My car is not. I crashed it into a young gal who pulled right out in front of me on the street in front of the hospital... So, now, i sit waiting for the rental people to come pick me up and take me to the rental car place.  Everybody was ok - that's the Good News. (Bad news is that the car belonged to her BF, who she had just dropped off for chemo.. the poor kid. He's only 19 and he has cancer. I didn't ask what kind.).

yellowtownhouse

Nash, first you know we all love you and are keeping  the positive energy running for you.  Secondly, all I can really say is damn damn damn!!!!!!!!!   It sometimes just seems that this "stuff" never goes away for any of us.  I've had so many bioposies done but never an MRI guided one.  I'm also sorry that you have to wait until March for the procedure.  We all know the waiting can sometimes be the hardest part for us.  Stay positive honey and lean on all those that love you the best that you can.  Keep writing and letting us know how you're doing, ok?

hugs hugs and more hugs for you....

June

nash

Thank you, June. I'm feeling a little better today--have a call in to the onc to see if the biospy absolutely has to be done around my period, since she really wanted it done next week. Don't know if I'll survive until March--yesterday the stress was like the original diagnosis all over again. I know I shouldn't waste negative energy on it, but the whole thing is annoying. Oh--and they said that after they do the biopsy and place the clip, then I have to have a mammo. Argh! Not looking forward to it.

Oh my gosh, Kaye, I'm so glad you weren't hurt! She was probably distracted b/c she was worried about her BF. Gosh, I hate it when kids have to go through all of this--I keep saying I'd do it a thousand times over (and hey, looks like I might possibly have to, LOL) so my kids don't have to go through it.

That's interesting that your area of enhancement just disappeared. Maybe they just come and go. Mine is not obviously malignant, so they gave it a BIRADS 4a, which is up to a 50% chance. I guess a 4b is up to 98% chance, and 5 is 99-100% chance of malignancy. It just bothers me that it's in the upper outer quadrant, which is where most bc like to live (sort of like a desireable neighborhood, I guess). And before I'd gotten the report, I'd had a gut feeling that the area would be about .5cm, and lo and behold, it was .4 x .5 x .5 cm.  So I'm not liking my gut feelings, b/c my other one is that if it's malignant, it's triple negative. I know, I know, I'm doing way too much speculation, but I can't help it. I'm going to have to stop, though, if I'm going to survive until March with this.

katoMato

I need to have a little word with your gut. Would you put it on? Thank you.

GUT? QUIT IT. WE DON'T LIKE THOSE FEELINGS EITHER. Now go back to digesting food.

We do, however, love Nash.

lilith

Nash - we are all virtually holding your hand. Please remember that. And if we could be there, we would.

wackyjackie

Ladies,

What's going on?  I go away to my sister's house for a few days and you ladies are out of control.  I missed so much.

Nash, I don't know what to say.  I get so scared when I hear this now that I actually get that weak in the knees feeling.  You poor thing.  This major sucks.  Why???? That's all I ask these days.  It's a cross between Why? and WTF??(my new favorite question since seeing John Malkovich in Burn after Reading. 

Anyway, it's true.  We are all here for you.  I can't believe you have to wait that long.  I'm not trying to be funny but since my diagnosis I would say take xanax. It cuts the edge.  And I never took any drugs, even as a teenager.  You need something.  I will be praying, praying, praying for you and your family.  I do  think sometimes the MRI's show false positives but I still believe it is better to be safe than sorry.  Let them check all they want. I guess it's the plus and minus of advanced testing.  Still, in all, it's better to see it and check it than to not know it;s there. 

I had an MRI guided biopsy and it's exactly like Kay says.  They slide you in and out like you check a roast in the oven (I hope you're not getting pissed at my try at humor).  It's much better than wire guided, u/s guided, surgical biopsies.  You'll be fine with that.  It's the long wait that will drive you crazy.  I'm sending good vibes your way and tons and tons of hugs.  Love you.

Kaye, sorry about your accident.  That's horrible.  I'm glad you are okay.  Poor girl too.  That must be so sad to go through at her age.  Thanks for the info about the breast surgeon.  I'm willing to be felt up by as many people as I can these days.  I'm going to get a recommendation from my onc as soon as I pick up my records.  Thanks again.  Glad everything else is going okay for you.

As for my sister, she is scheduled to get a lumpectomy on the left (cancerous) side.  The MRI showed nothing else.  However, the MRI showed something suspicious on the right side and it's near her pectoral muscle so she has to get a surgical biopsy on that.  She will get surgery on both sides on 3/17.  Hopefully she'll have the Luck of the Irish.  I'll keep you posted.

Hugs to all, Jackie

nash

Jackie, you totally made me laugh, thank you for that. What's especially funny about the roast comment is that I recently had a roast disaster in my kitchen, where I was searing one at high heat, and the Pyrex it was in exploded and destroyed my oven door. I know this doesn't really sound that funny, but it was, after the fact, and we refer to it as the Great Rump Roast Incident.

I was wondering how your sister was doing. Well, the week of 3/16 should be an interesting one for our little group. Like you said, luck of the Irish, baby. 

And I agree--WTF?!?!?!?!

lilith

I guess life is not easy on this side of the cancer border. When - if (such a fool I am) - try to recall how careless my life used to feel - how much I took for granted being in synch with my body, and being able to do anything. And I was prepared for such a feeling not to last for ever, but not for it to be taken away bluntly at 43.... hmmm. It is definitely a WTF feeling, Nash - Jackie.. and all the others.

I don't know. I feel like the only way to go is to take it one day at a time... to enjoy whatever bits of happiness may be hidden in each days.

 Hugs, girls. I feel our group has hit a bit of a tough patch, but together we can make it. Really.

yellowtownhouse

lilith,  I so agree with you.  I wrote a few days ago about not living recklessly but not delaying gratifications to the never never land either.  No, I don't like this 'new' way of living where I know I have to always be appreciative/ thankful/ grateful/ almost to the point of ad nauseaum.  Yes, yes, I know we all should be more grateful for our blessings and usually I am.  It's just that sometimes I feel it's a burden.  Anybody know what I mean or feel this way sometimes?  I'm not down girls just venting about our 'new lives' that we're all still adjusting to.  Nash and Jackie...hang in there ladies and if zanax doesn't do it...then d....... it, find a brand of wine you like and take the edge off when things just get to be too much!  Kaye, I think we all need some of your twisted humor right about now, what do you say girl?

I start my new part time job tomorrow and am looking forward to it.  I will work for them 2 days a week (Tues./Thur.).  A good part of my time will still be working with seniors which I have done for almost 40 years.  I have to laugh as I read back over what I just wrote....for I'm a senior now (turned 64 this month) but I just can't quite get my mind to wrap around that much less believe it.  Oh well,  LOL

Take care everyone and KEEP Writing....yes, that was the pot calling the kettle black.

June

nash

Good luck tomorrow, June. I'm so excited about this new job for you. And you're hardly a senior--it's all a state of mind, anyhow. And yes, this "new normal" is a drag. I do have moments of normalacy, and I do realize things could be a whole lot worse (as in, the kids or DH could be sick or injured), but sometimes one does grow a wee bit weary of all of this.

And I have to say my drug of choice is indeed a nice pinot noir.  In moderation, of course.

katoMato

Ahhh. A nice Pinot Noir. Now that sounds like a relaxing evening...However, on that note Dh and I have recently decided that we're Zin people. (as in "fandel", not the yin/yang thing...ok, that's ZEN...gotcha.)

 Hope tomorrow goes well, June. Have fun and tell us how it went! Part time work sounds so good to me. (wait. I AM working part time. THERE'S NO JOBS OUT THERE.  sheesh. FULL time sounds even better!)

 Jackie, have you introduced your sister to the board? 

oops - gotta go to bed.

Love to all!

wackyjackie

Hi Ladies,

I feel the same way.  Tired of being grateful for being alive (I know that sounds terrible, but if I can't say it to you girls I can't say it at all).  I am grateful but I'm not always happy go lucky these days. I do find that I am more selfish than I used to be.  I don't have patience for annoying, whiny people and sometimes I find myself treating myself to things such as jewelry or theater tickets because I use the excuse...well I might not be here forever, enjoy it now you don't know what tomm brings, et cetera.  I was much more "reasonable" before but it got me nowhere.  Oh well.

My drug of choice is Cabernet!!!

June, good luck to you.  You are no senior citizen in my eyes.  You have tons of gusto and energy and I really hope this new job works out for you.

Lilith, I agree.  Take one day at a time.  We have all hit a little rough patch but I thank all of you for being here for me.

Kaye, I have introduced my sister to the board.  She is very different than me.  More private.  Still in shock and I think denial.  I don't even know her screen name yet.  LOL.  But other than that, we are very close.  I'm not pressuring her too much (okay, maybe a little).  I'm here for her if she needs me but she has a mind and opinions of her own.  Oh, and yes, she knows all about you girls.  I quote all of you all the time. She might even be tired of hearing it.  My family and friends know how important you all are to me and how I value all your opinions.

Thanks again to all.  Have a great day.

Hugs,Jackie

DGHoff

Jackie, I hope your sister can find a group of online friends that mean as much to her as all of you mean to me.

June. I hope the first day went well! I'm eager to hear all about it.  Part time is good. I kind of wish I could do that, but I do actually like my job a lot, and I'm really fortunate to have a good job right now! I did, at least, get to work from home this afternoon. Of course, the reason I had to do that was because my DS was home sick from school. Poor little guy puked all over his bed this morning. He's kept down a popsicle for about an hour now, so maybe he just had one of those 24 hour bugs. I hope so!

I know what you all mean about this side of the cancer divide. I actually feel pretty upbeat for the most part and am not very worried about myself, but I no longer have the luxury of looking at a candy bar, or a piece of fried chicken, without thinking about how it will affect my blood sugar or how difficult it might be for my liver to handle, and what that might do to rogue cancer cells in my body.  Everything just has so much more... WEIGHT.  Who knows, maybe I didn't give it enough weight before. It takes a lot of discipline to live consciously like that. Sometimes, I just don't want to be that disciplined, you know?

Oh, and a nice big red zinfandel is always my choice. 

DeAnn 

nash

Well, obviously you all need to come out here and go wine tasting with me and Kaye. There are wineries up the wazo where I live, and we could have a really grand time.

I'm with Jackie on the no patience with people thing. I have friends who have lost jobs, have marital problems, etc., etc., and while I sympathize with them, I do want to scream, "But your problems have a solution!" That's what bugs me the most about cancer and death, etc, that there is no solution. I can't make my dead family members come back. I can't help it that my body appears to really enjoy making rogue cells. I can't ease the strain all this puts on my family b/c it's all out of our control. 

That being said, I know two families who have children who were hit by cars and who suffered Traumatic Brain Injuries. I think something happening to one's child that is that devestating and that was avoidable on some level has the be the worst hell one could go through. And when I think of them, my situation seems pretty rosy.

Whew! Deep thoughts. DeAnn, I hope your little guy feels better soon. Tummy trouble is no fun at all. Especially when it involves puking all over the bed in the middle of the night. I'll have my fingers crossed that he (and you) sleep well tonight!

yellowtownhouse

Hey Ladies,

Thanks for asking about me.  Yep, first day went well but I AM bushed tonight!     Thanks  very very much to all of you for 100% validating my feelings!  You know how sometimes we think we are the only "weird" one out there when others appear to be doing so much better?  Well, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling as DeAnn put it.....feeling like I've taken on another fulltime responsibiliity to being "up and thankful and grateful", etc.  It IS a burden at times, isn't it? 

Now as to relieving a little stress, I'm a white Zin girl myself.  Thanks Kaye for always responding when we need you most girl.   

Jackie, I remember my early days in the testing/diagnostic stage and I was in such a state of shock and disbelief that had I known about the forum I'm not sure I would have done anything about it.  In fact, when I found the forum I read for about 2-3 weeks before I ever posted.  Now there is not one particle of me that is one tinsy tiny bit shy....didn't realize that did you all...LOL  However, this cancer thing in the beginning seemed so personal that I didn't want to share with anyone outside family in the beginning.  Then a funny thing happened back at the ranch.....I got to know this bunch of sick/wonderful/crazy/funny/caring/loving women that I truly began to look on as sisters.  Jackie, if she needs us...we're here!  Just keep telling her how crazy we all are and sooner or later she'll just have to come see for herself.

DeAnn, my little grandson has had the exact same thing...hope the little one is soon back to normal.

My best to all

June

katoMato

Yikes Nash...that DOES put things in a different light, doesn't it? Good grief...how would i ever cope with something like that? What a heartbreak.

Item 2: Set the date ( Was it late August, DeAnn?) we'll be there. I've never had white zinfandel.....I feel it calling to me. (Wait...nope. sorry. It was the Almond Roca hiding in the refrigerator in the garage. I'm tellin' ya, these vices sound all the same.)

And yes, the "flying crud" is around the desert as well. So I fed DH 6 garlic cloves in his dinner last night. They may not ward off the cold, but at least no one will get near enough to him to share any germs.

wackyjackie

Hello Ladies,

I have been volunteering at the offices of the American Cancer Society, which are about 30 minutes from my home.  Well, I'm venting to you girls again. ((Sorry)).  I have been put in an office to fold and stuff envelopes (which I actually enjoy doing), make follow up phone calls for a fundraiser they are holding (which I don't mind doing).  What I do mind is that nobody is friendly!!!! They barely look up to say hello when I come in (not that I expect them to roll out a red carpet but a simple acknowledgement would be appreciated), they put me in an empty office by myself and come in to check on me every 2 hours or so.  When I went on Wens, the lady who gives me my work was out sick and the lady who gave me the work that day didn't even tell me what her name was.  I think these people are rude and while I realize they can't socialize all day in an office I do think they could talk a little.  So, I'm looking elsewhere to volunteer.  Any suggestions????

Hugs, Jackie

P.S.--Have a great weekend everyone

nash

Jackie, I'd be put off by the environment you described also. Is there an office of the Young Survivor's Coalition in your area?

nash

I had a very disconcerting visit to the rad onc yesterday. I went in for my one year followup--she's more concerned about my MRI results than Dr. Ozzy is, but that's not the disconcerting part. In the waiting room I ran into an old coworker who was there treatment for cervical cancer. I worked with her from 1995-2000, and haven't seen her in a long time. She then tells me of two of our other coworkers who were diagnosed with bc about six months after I was. I'd had no idea, and it made me wonder what the hell was in the office water cooler. She also told me of numerous people who were in other departments who were diagnosed with an assortment of malignancies. A frickin' epidemic. Then, when I was checking out, I asked the very sweet receptionist, who's about my age, if she was wearing a bandana in solidarity with the rest of us, or if she'd decided to sign up for all the fun herself. Turns out she has stage IV cervical cancer. She's working while on chemo. Has little kids. It's in her lungs. I came home and cried.

katoMato

oh my gosh, Nash...i'm crying with you. What a nightmare this all is. It really does make me wonder what in the world is happening.

I would like the research money to be spent on CAUSES...as well as cures...I've read the scales tip toward the cure. Understandably. But I'm not alone in wondering WHY this is happening.

nash

I agree--the money needs to go towards a cause as well as a cure. DH thinks more cases are just being diagnosed b/c of better diagnostic techniques rather than there really being more new cases, but I don't know. I wonder what the hard numbers are on that.

I e-mailed one of the coworkers I mentioned, and she just e-mailed me back, and get this--today is exactly one year since she was diagnosed. How weird is that? Sometimes I think God sets up coincidences on purpose. I mean, what were the odds of my appointment yesterday being at the same time as my other coworker's radiation treatment? At the same facility? I mean, I haven't seen her in nine years. I didn't even recognize her until they paged her to come back for treatment, and I heard her name and figured it out. And to find out about my other coworkers, and then it's the anniversay date for one of them....all too strange, in a good way.

I, of course, told my coworker at rads yesterday about you girls, b/c we were talking about where we get our support. And I mentioned it in my e-mail to the second coworker today, and she already said she wants to check out the boards. So that would be good if I can get her over here. She's forwarding my e-mail to the third coworker, so hopefully I'll hear from her soon, and we can get a little party going on. I was fairly close to all these people at one point--just drifted away after I left the office. 

My head is still somewhat spinning. It's exhausting to find out about four cancer diagnoses in a span of 20 minutes.

wackyjackie

Nash,

OMG!!! I have the chills just reading all this.  That is crazy!!!  While I tend to agree with your husband I think this is just too freaky.  How sad that you found all this out.  How sad that we are constantly surrounded by this horrible, dreadful cancer.  I just don't understand.  No wonder your head is spinning.  I'm glad you could guide others to this helpful board.  That might be one of the reasons you were put there today.  Try to relax.....and we all should try to pray for all of these women.

Hugs, Jackie

DGHoff

Whoa. Too much cancer in such a short time. It just is everywhere.  My MIL starts chemo on Monday. I promised her that I would go with her to the first treatment, and I just hope that I can be encouraging and supportive when every cell in my body is wanting to scream out "Ohhhh nooooo! I don't want you to have to do this!!!!"  She saw me go through chemo, but she didn't see me on a day to day basis, and I was pretty careful to shield people from how miserable I felt sometimes. I'm really concerned about how she will handle it. She's getting a more aggressive treatment plan than we originally thought. Cisplatin. Ugh. I've heard it is bad news. Maybe worse than AC.

OK. I'm sorry. I realize that I am just whining here, and I don't want to do that to you guys. But I just needed to let it out to somebody who would understand. OK. I feel better now.  Thanks for being here!!

DeAnn

wackyjackie

DeAnn,

What better place to let it out?  You are not whining, you are scared for your MIL.  Totally understandable.  Just be prepared because being back in the whole "environment" brings back very bad feelings.  You can't help but take a trip down memory lane and it's not pretty.  But, with that said, your MIL will need you and you are going to be such a huge help to her that eventually it will make you feel better.  Does that make sense?  I think it hurts more to see the ones we love go through it and especially because we know what lies ahead.

Hang in there and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your MIL.

Tons of hugs, Jackie