responses to people's questions about your health

Fllorik

How do you respond when someone says "you look good, you have your hair"? Do you tell the truth that you feel lousy or do you smile and lie?
I have a hard time considering myself as a fighter that is battling cancer. My body is just reacting to the drugs. I am not actively fighting with guns and swords.
Am i a survivor? I don't think so. Maybe I have survived the treatments but the disease is still there. So what am I?
I guess, a woman that has cancer? What do you think?

nosurrender

Well, I am getting the "Is that your hair?" question. I bought it so it must be mine... however I feel like a spotlight is turned on me and it is flashing on a sign that says WIG WIG WIG!

Also, when people find out I have cancer for the second time I am already considered dead. They are like- well that's it. .. time to make a new friend with a better warranty.

Even members of my family who completely blew me off the first time I had cancer are suddenly all over me with concern. It makes me feel weird. Like, this time is more important than the last one???

I used to think of myself as "surviving the treatments" when I had my first cancer. NOW I think of the chemo as my friend going in there to do the hard battle of fending off and killing every cancer cell there is. I also consider myself cancer free until someone tells me otherwise. My tumors and cancerous lymph nodes are in a jar some place... not in ME.
So I will keep fighting until that changes... and then I will fight some more.
I think of myself as a woman who is fighting cancer and determined to not let it take over my life or get the better of me. That happened last time and it was all much harder than doing it the way I am doing it now.

Hope YOU are doing ok!!!

Love,g

roseg

That "battle" talk to hard to get away from. People seem to be comfortable thinking about cancer that way.

A number of writers dissect that and point out that it is a violent image. It's also kind of at odds with a serene, peaceful, self-accepting attitude, which sometimes can make life happier for the person living.

I think you could tell that that you're pleased that your current treatment hasn't made your hair fall out, but that some days are better than others. A lot of people don't know what the heck to say so the comment about your hair is just a firing volley. If you acknowledge that they tried, and then give them a more specific indication that you aren't always 100% then you've left the lines of communication open with an honest response.

Now you do have to watch out with that because if you're someplace like church the next thing you know they'll be calling wondering if you're feeling well enough do "volunteer" to help with.......

nosurrender

Well now my A/C repairman said " My mother tells me you are in chemo- how's that going?"

I never met this man before nor do I know who is mother is!

Fllorik

unbelievable!

janet11

I would have ASKED who his mother was and how she knew. It would have been fun to learn that his mother was your mother's best friend, etc. OR if his mother learned in the grocery store from a casual acquaintance (unlikely -- why would she bother mentioning it to her son then), you would know who was talking about you.

Or it may simply be that whoever called and asked for the A/C repair mentioned it to the person answering the phone (perhaps his mom).... in an attempt to get the repair done quicker..

I'd taking his question as a perhaps tactless expression of interest and sympathy. And for a response, something impersonal such as "on the whole, I'd rather be in Pittsburg" would keep the distance between you since he IS a stranger.

I rarely get insulted by what people say. It's FAR more common that a comment is simply thoughtless than that it was intended out of malice. And I'm thoughtless at times too, so I'd rather laugh at them than get upset.

Gad. I meant to write a simple comment and I've written a book here. I'm SORRY.

jah4377

"on the whole, I'd rather be in Pittsburg"

How funny!!! I will remember this!!!

Fllorik

I wrote the orginal post about dealing with other people's stupidity. Well, it's been six weeks since that post and alot has happened. The best news is that my scans and TM show that I am stable!!! Well, the cancer is stable! I was wondering, how many "stables" do you have to have before treatments change? Or do you stay on the same treatments until you are NED?
BY the way, I still get questions about my health. I just say, "I'm here!"

AliceJean

I would consider it ignorance rather than stupidity. No one who has not been through this or close to someone who has cancer can possibly know all that is involved. Most of the time they're really concerned about you, sometimes just being polite, sometimes just being nosy...but in any case, here's my response: I ask if they want the long answer or the short one. As a former teacher, I consider the opportunity to share my experience and knowledge with someone who has asked as a "teachable moment." If they really care, they'll pay attention. If they don't, their eyes will cut away from yours, or they'll look at their watch, or exhibit some other body language that says, "OK, never mind, I'm kind of sorry I asked." So give the short answer, whatever yours may be, and if they ask for more specifics, give them if you're comfortable doing that. You never know who you'll educate a bit, or if that person is worried about themselves or a family member or friend. Share if you can. If it upsets you, just come up with a pat response (the Pittsburgh one is a classic!), and if they press you, just say you're not comfortable discussing it. Give people the benefit of the doubt. You can even come up with a flip comment about the hair issue...if people say "How do you have your hair when you're on chemo?", tell them about Xeloda...or, grab your head in astonishment and say, "You mean it's back??!!" If people are so crass as to ask if your wig is indeed a wig, a great answer to any rude question is "Why do you want to know?" Anyway, just handle each individual situation with tolerance and flexibility. Best of luck to you all!!!!

nosurrender

I am now getting the "are you sure you have cancer" question.

Why? Because my wig looks so much better than my real hair.

I am almost afraid to think about what I must have looked like before if everyone thinks I look good now! 

php01

I say thank you and smile!---because I am glad I am looking better than I feel.

And it is nice of them to notice.

I don't do wigs, so the hair is a  mute point with me, but they some times comment on my hat and I say thanks to that too.

Only with people who I know to be really concerned about me personally and not just passing the time do I share some of the side effects.

Otherwise a Thank You and smile works all around for everyone--I need to smile as much as they like to see it.

But I don't  lie about any of it I say, "thank you, I am putting one foot in front of the other, and it helps."