Chemo and attitude change

BethB81

I moved in with my mother in March as soon as I found out she has breast cancer to help take care of her. I know that she is going thru alot of changes and I respect that but is it normal to have major attitude changes during chemo? Some days she is happy and others she is so grouchy I have ended up on tears for it.
I try my best to be understanding to her, but some days, like yesterday, there was not a thing I could do right for her.
What are some good ways to cope with this? I understand that she is depressed, but I suffer from depression too and it is getting REALLY hard to handle and hide my emotions. I love my mother and I know without a doubt she will be pull thru this, but it is so hard to put up with that emotional roller coaster. Can someone PLEASE help me with some advice on how to handle this current situation?

budsadie

I found in taking care of my mom (I was there during the day when my dad was at work, he did the "night shift") that she tended to unload on me. She told me one day that she was up for everyone else, but she could talk to me. She called me her "cheerleader" as I stayed positive the entire time.

The other thing that I found, is that she had some resentment towards me as her caregiver. I think that was the hardest thing to handle.

My advice on how to handle this situation is to enjoy every day you get to spend with her. When you can't take anymore, go outside and have a good cry. My mom hated it when I cried when I was with her, so I tried to take it outside or away from her. Your mom loves you and as hard as it is on us (the caregivers), keep in perspective she has the added pain of the treatments, depression, the side effects of the medicines, the disease itself, the worry that it will win, etc. etc.

God bless you!

susan_02143

Beth,

Putting the whole emotional thing to the side, remember that your mother is probably be given steroids. Let me tell you, steroids are really hard on the body. Patients taking these drugs run from sad, angry, happy and everything in between.

Since i have never been a caretaker, I can't help further, but please don't discount the chemical changes that your mother is undergoing.

All the best,

*susan*

kelly1215

her resentment is probably not about you, but about the situation. she is losing her freedom, her privacy, and possibly her life too soon. if she's an independent person, she probably hates that she has to depend on you now. or that you think she has to. you've obviously made changes to your life to be there for her. she might feel guilty about that, and angry about the reason you're there.

try not to take it personally, because it's not really about you at all but more about what SHE is facing. until you've been thru it, you have no idea.

give her space and time without you around. be there when she needs you, but don't be over-nurturing or smothering.

going thru this can be a roller coaster, and the drugs can add to that unfortunately.

don't forget to take care of you and take some time for yourself. it'll do you both good.

booklady

Beth

What's important is the quality of the time you spend with her.

I've been a caregiver for three family members - my parents and my sister. Each one was different -- it is a tiring and at times very thankless job but rewarding, fulfilling in a way that I can't explain--if you can handle it.

My sister had a brain tumor -- she required a lot of care but she never complained or was difficult. She gave us the strength, courage and opportunity to come to term with her death and dying. I learned so much from being around her. It gave us a time to be close again.

My father's illness was brief - For him, it was mostly a matter of just being there with him.

My mother was different from my sister and father. She resented being dependent and not able to do for her self. Yet, at times she expected me to do everything for her. It was much harder with her also because I still had to work - by then I was drained financially. Her attitude was different and that seems to have made a world of difference.

Having said all that, each person is different, sometimes each day is different. Now that I'm going through BC, I realize that even though I spent almost every day with my sister following surgery, during rehab, treatment and was by her side until the end (11 months), I really didn't know the real emotional, physical, etc impact that everything had to have on her. I hope I took a lot of the worry off her because I handled all the appts, meds, bills, ins, etc.

Cancer and the meds give you a lot to deal with. I was dx in Feb, surgery in March and treatments since April. For the first 2 months, I was in a blur. So much is coming at you, decisions being made that affect your life and I didn't feel in control or like I was making informed decisions. I had never been sick before, hate taking meds, and all of a sudden I'm dealing with this. Life changed real fast!!

I've written a history here because I imagine that this is a big adjustment for her- medically, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually,. I seem to have mood swings 90 times a day. I can go from 0 to 999 on the heat index in less than 2 secs mostly from the meds and being put in menopause.

Try to be patient, talk with her about what she wants and needs from you. Listen, let her talk about her feelings. Don't take it personal- Remember it's about her!! When you feel you can't cope - find a way to relax. You need to take care of you too or you'll burn out.

Bottom line, you'll both make it through this. Do what you can but accept that you can't fix everything.

I hope this help.