I'm having a hard time with this

pdaly

We discovered mom had bc in August 06. She seems to be failing pretty quickly now. She's on lots of meds but the steroids are the only thing that makes her feel better. It doesn't give her any energy, she still sleeps all the time but they do make her hungry. We haven't called hospice yet, but soon, I think. She can barely walk. I am very close to her, always have been. Why, then, is it now that I have a difficult time seeing her or talking to her on the phone? Why, when she needs me most do I want to run in the other direction? I see her nearly every day and talk to her every day but hesitate to pick up the phone. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. She is dying, but it's killing me. Has anyone else ever felt like this? When will it go away?

Lovin_Life

It's just too horrific to deal with.

I had a good friend die of breast cancer and currently have another friend who is dying. Not from bc.

I found it hard to talk to my friend who died from bc. Hesitated to call her and visit her. But did do both. But not as often as I should have.

Now, again, I am in same situation. Worse this time for me after being dx with bc. I really find it difficult to talk to her or visit.

I contact my friend who is now dying and talk to her as though she has a long lifetime ahead of her. That's the only way I can deal with this.

I don't mention my health problems. But do talk about shopping, movies I saw,etc. And I do let her determine what we do talk about. If she wants to talk about dying I will be there to listen.

You don't want your mom to die. Try to visit with her as though she is not dying. Maybe that will get you through this.

You can do it. Do it for your mom and do it for you - you need happy memories of her last days. Best Wishes!

sjoc

My mom dies from ALS a few years ago. It was horrendous to see what this disease did to my mom. I hated watching her deteriorate from one day to the next, I didn't want to admit what was happening. I did though see my mom often, took care of her until she died. Don't avoid your mom even though it hurts to see what is happening to her. Spend as much time together as you can. After she is gone, you will feel better knowing how much you helped her and how you let her know how much you cared. I know how hard this is for both of you. You will find the strength you need to get through this. - Sandy

motheroffoursons

This is a very difficult time for you. My mother passed away a few years ago. She was in a nursing home. It was just me and her, no doctors, no equipment. Just my mom and I and a bed. It was extremely difficult. I just talked about her life, reviwed evrything I knew about her, and every memory I had with her. We talked for days.
Going through this difficult time with your mother is going to be one of the most difficult things in your life. However, in retrospect, you would never want to miss it. It ties you with your mother forever. Spend as much time as possible with her. Share with her. Reassure her of your love. It will be a bittersweet experience. Your priority is to be there for your mom.

fondaleette

Gosh pdaly, my heart goes out to you and your Mom.
I just lost my Mom last month, March 5th, and my Dad is in the hospital right now, hospice will come in as soon as he finishes his 14 days of rad to help relieve his pain (lung cancer mets to bone)
I know it's hard to be there and witness the failing of your Moms health, it hurts to see it, but it's your chance to give and recieve any last gifts. It's okay to let her know that your afraid of losing her and it's okay to cry with her...that lets her know how loved she is. One of the biggest gifts you can give to a loved one, especially your Mom, is to let her know that you will be alright. I had told my Mom shortly before she passed that she taught us children well, she taught us to make good choices and to be strong. I think she found some relief in those words.

Many times I found myself just wanting my 'mommy'...I dreaded when I went to do the caregiving for her because it meant facing the cold hard truth that 'mommy' wasn't going to be there for me anymore...one of her biggest lessons to us was you just do what you have to do at times, and I am so glad that I was there in her final days.
Will it go away?...for me, it got easier each time I went to be with her. The more I was there with her, the more I witnessed her suffering, that's when I realized how much she needed me there with her...and how much she needed me to let her go.

When all is said and done, your Mom will be at peace and so will you...it's about the biggest gift you can give a loved one.

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Not_Me

Am too...dealing with this...my MIL was dx with untreatable liver C about eight months ago. We have been living in a fog ever since. The stats are not good...every holiday/event comes and goes and we hope for another one. She is still up and eating and smoking...but I see that see is getting weaker. I feel like we have been in a state of numbness since the dx. I continue to pray and wish that she will be spared the pain. I will tell you...God has been very good to us. Blessings to you and warm thoughts.

LisaSDCA

This is a very difficult time, I know. I have lost both my father and my sister to cancer - each before the age of 45. Wanting to "run in the other direction" is a natural reaction - you don't want to see her like this, to have to face her deterioration. Many of your issues and concerns will be helped once hospice is involved. There is nothing to prevent you from calling them for guidance early. Many organizations will 'take on' a patient that is still receiving therapy.
Reading this article on hospice isn't fun, but may be comforting to you(by the same reporter who did today's article on "Chemo-brain").
http://tinyurl.com/2sda4j

You will be glad in later years for the time you are able to share with your mom now. I wish you strength.

Lisa

Anonymous

I am so sorry you are losing your mom. There is just no one else in this world like a mom, is there?

My mom has Alzheimer's Disease and I took care of her at home for 6 years, until I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore, then I placed her in an Alzheimer's facility. I still oversee her care and visit her frequently, taking her out on Sundays.

While so many folks avoid seeing loved ones with Alzheimer's (cuz it IS terrible), I love seeing my mother. It's okay that she isn't the mother I had before. This is her reality now and I cherish every smile, every kiss, and each warm hug. I love to feed her ice cream because I know she loves it. I treasure this time with her.

As hard as it is to see your mom and to know she doesn't have much more time to this world; try to get all the positive contact with her you can. Each moment is a gift and soon there will be no more opportunities. You say you have always been close... I am sure she feels your love and you are a comfort to her. My mom told me once that I was her precious baby and I bet your mom feels the same way about you.

May God grant you the stength and blessing to enjoy these last days.

Miss S

pdaly

Thanks to everyone for your support. This has been such a rollercoaster. We just lost my dad 6 months ago and it seems like mom is going right behind him. I just hope this doesn't go on too much longer. It's so very draining.

Silka

I used to volunteer for Hospice, I would sit with the pateint's and allow the family's a break. The patient's could discuss with me things they were unable to with family. If possible, allow your loved one to share with you, hold them and cry with them. They are having many of the same emotions you are.

It is very painful to lose those we love, I have lost many, most recently my husband. Though so very hard, we have to remember it is about them and suck up our own feelings no matter how hard it might be. I am a very spiritual person and that is where I get my strength....don't know how I would go it alone.

I am a bc survivor, when diagnosed and getting chemo, rads and herceptin....my husband was as ill as I was and I tried to always be positive and not cause him anymore concern or worry. He died five days after I had my last treatment.

My point is: Even though it is difficult, we find the strength somewhere, somehow to go on. We are studying Job in church now....It is difficult not to question why?

Hugs
Doris_IN

pdaly

Just wanted to update, Mom's doing a little better these days. Doctor put her on 30 mgs a day of prednisone. It seems to give her energy and increases her appetite. She said she could even "taste" the food. Before that, everything tasted like cardboard. I don't know why. Recently, it seems to not be working as well. In addition, her glaucoma suddenly became very bad. We think it could be the Spiriva (for COPD). It's such a rollercoaster!

Anonymous

So glad to hear your Mom is doing better!

How are YOU doing?

Thoughts and prayers,
Beth

pdaly

I'm doing okay. We were back on the rollercoaster. Apparently, Prednisone can give you diabetes. Mom's sugar level was at 506. The doc put her on some medicine for it (glucovance). One pill a day didn't help, two didn't help, so now she's up to four a day (since yesterday). If that doesn't bring the sugar down, it's back to the hospital. We can't take her off the prednisone, because that is basically keeping her alive. She can't breath without it.

My family and I have reached a point where we'd rather see her out of his misery than to have her with us and be sick and feel bad every day. She's taking so many different meds that she is just living to take meds. No qualify of life any more. We're all so tired.

Anonymous

Yes, it is so tiring caring a sick loved one. I understand how you feel about not wanting your Mom to suffer and be sick anymore. Have you called hospice yet? They can be very helpful and will make sure she is not in pain. Your mom will be more comfortable and that will make you feel somewhat better. They will help with communicating with the doctor too.

I am praying for you and your family. Take care and know there are those of us who are with you in spirit. Post when you can or whenever you need to,
Bethie

Anonymous

I understand what you are going thru. My mother died a few years ago from BC. She fought long and hard to live. She passed the 5 year point 3 times. (First one breast, then the other, then somewhere else in her body and finally in her liver.)
Each time she fought it and won, so I believed she'd win again. My mother and I were so close, after having my own children, I'd have to say she was my best friend. There was no way I coudl believe she would die. TOday, years later, I still prayer for her everyday and talk often to her.
Honey, she is your mom. We only have one mother, and she will always be with us. Don't pass a day without talking and seeing her (if poss). Time goes by quickly and can never be repalced. You can never tell her you love her too much, do so when ever you can. SHe's got to be very scare and needs you more than you ever needed her.
YOu are in my prayers, as is your mom. Jean

pdaly

Thanks for all your replies. I do see Mom every day. Some days are better than others. Just muddling through day after day. It would be nice for her to have a break and feel good for awhile. Keeping my fingers crossed.

jansdaughter

Pdaly, i know EXACTLY how you feel. I am going thru the same thing with my mom. She has three brain tumors and tumors in her lungs. She said no more treatment, no more tests. My dad brought her home yesterday and we have hospice nurse at night. My sister and I live 3 hrs away but we are going to take turns on weekends taking care of her.

My dad called when they got home and he gave the phone to mom and IT WAS hard talking to her. All of a sudden i didn't know what to say and we have always been close. She is so weak, can't walk, and is having pain in her head. She is on morphine for the pain.

She has fought a long, hard battle and she just keeps saying she is tired, which we understand. We have all told her we love her and to let go. It is so painful for us watching her suffer. She has detached somewhat as well and that is more painful. I love her so much and i am so glad i saw this thread. You have expressed some of the feelings I have felt. It's nice to not feel alone.

Blessings to you and your family.
Dianne

boobbuster

Dianne-
I'm glad to hear that your Mom is home and resting. The best gift you can give your Mom is your love and permission to rest. You're an awesome daughter! God is able, Stephanie

pdaly

Well, the newest sugar pills aren't working either. She takes the same 4 and added another new one. It brought the sugar down for about a day, then right back up. Of coruse, her doc is on vacation this week. Same old, same old. Wondering if the meds aren't working because the diabetes is caused by the steroids, not a natural deficiency of some kind. So glad she has insurance, these prescription costs are insane (thousands a month)! I don't know how people do this without insurance.

nancycl

Hi...I just found this thread tonight. I was wondering if you've brought hospice in yet. If not, why not? It certainly sounds as though you could all do with the help and support that they'd provide. I'd suggest that you have their intake person come and do an interview. They'll find out about the needs, and explain the program, and how it works. You're not obligated to accept hospice just by having someone come out to do this assessment/informational visit.

Jinx

pdaly
Being a caregiver can be exhausting - physically and emotionally. Most all insurance covers hospice care. My uncle used hospice for one year before his death. They are there to relieve caregivers such as yourself as well as to aid in comforting and caring your mom.

Shirlann

My two cents worth, can't stay out of any discussion. I have been involved in probably 4 or 5 deaths of close relatives. I never felt like I knew what to do or did enough or the right things.

Then, when my daughter-in-law had Pancreatic Cancer, I think I finally got it. We talked about death. That no no subject, I told her what a wonderful DIL she had been and what a wonderful mother to my grandchildren. We cried together and looked at albums. I sang to her and read from upbeat, funny short stories.

This does not work, of course, with people who do not want this. Some people are not comfortable with discussing their death. You must always be sensitive to who wants this and who doesn't.

But I think I finally did the things with Carmela I wish I had done with the others.

Hugs, Shirlann

Chelee

My heart goes out to you. I'm dealing with almost the same thing. My Mom has stage IV lung cancer and we have always been SO CLOSE. I just went over there yesterday and I just found myself wanting to leave. She is so weak and can't hardly sit up to eat. She makes sense when talking at times then all of a sudden says something like "Is that a sign up on my wall"? I am LOST as to why she is so confused? She keeps nodding off when I am sitting there and can't hardly stay awake. She can't hold a train of thought long. It just KILLS me. It seems I can't do anything for her. I know she finds comfort in me just sitting there with her so she is not alone. But just to sit and watch her like this is literally killing me. When I say we were close...I mean CLOSE all my life. I am so upset with myself for wanting to run the other way...but she just lays there.

So I REALLY know how your feeling. You love them so much and want to do everything and anything for them...but yet you find yourself running the other way. Its so hard to watch. I don't know about you...but I just realized the other day I feel like I've already lost my Mother.

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better but I don't. This is just NOT an easy situation for you. I'm still going to doctors for my own bc crap...so its hard to handle all I'm dealing with and my Mother's. When they say life isn't fair...boy is that an understatment.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. At least I can see from this thread I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling. I've been feeling so guilty and bad. I want to spend more time with her but I feel helpless there. She just nods off and sleeps. Then when I am leaving all of a sudden she says "You aren't leaving me already are you"? It KILLS me. I drive home crying. How I feel for you...I really do. Hang in there. I just don't have any answers for you and I WISH I did. I'm here for you if you need to talk.

Chelee

pdaly

It helps knowing we're not the only ones going through this. I've gone to the doc for a Rx to help me through this. It helps alot. At least I can sleep at night. If I may, I'd suggest you talk to your doctor as well. They prescribed Xanex for my sisters and Klonopin for me. It does take the edge off.

I'll add you and your Mom to my prayers.

Patty

cindyward

That pretty much sums it up...God Bless You

SecretAgentL

I'm praying for all of you, for your loved ones, your friends, your families... I wish and pray for you to have peace. I'm thinking of you...

love and friendship,
Laura

Holly01

I know what you are going through.

My Mum has stage 4 bc. It has gone to her lung and i'm finding it very difficult to cope.  I make sure that i see my mum every day. I do get upset infront of her but she doesn't like it.  The onc has told me that she will only live a couple of yrs. My Mum doesn't believe this and thinks she will get a lot better. She's having chemo at the moment and he has said that there are other treatments after this.  Her quality of life is not v good but she has a chest infection and has to have a blood transfusion.  I keep getting upset and feel that I can't cope with this. I just hope that she feels better after this chemo.

joanne1428

Hi Holly.....

I wonder if you have noticed the "recurrence" board, where there is more traffic and more people in your situation (which I am very sorry about, by the way).

Your mom is nowhere near palliative or hospice care.... while there is no cure from Stage 4 breast cancer, there are many happy days ahead for you and your mom.   ANd chemo can work, although not always - I'm afraid uncertaintly lies ahead........Yes, you must learn a new reality and you may NEVER like it or accept it.   And the reason it is difficult to cope is that it is a really sucky situation. 

Anyway, there's lots of love everywhere on the boards, but this area is MUCH QUIETER and thankfully not as busy.   You will find lots more postings at the recurrence board.   Lots to learn, or just to get support.

Good luck Holly, Joanne 

Sierra

Dear Joanne:



I just saw you here today

and wanted to send you out a Giant Hug..



Had you in my thoughts..



and also to Dear Holly



Not on this forum much

but when I see your name..



do catch the odd post





Healing and Bright Light to all

in need.





Hugs

maddie103

Dying is a very difficult thing to talk about.  I've read most of the prior posts and it is difficult to talk to someone who's time on earth is brief.  My MIL has bc and has been given 3-6 months to live (still doesn't have hospice on board but she is starting to talk about it).

I don't avoid her, we've always been close and I'll call her daily and visit her frequently but I do feel very awkward.  I think it's because I don't know if I should talk about her dying or not and I wish I could say something that would be comforting to her, but I just can't find the words.  I don't know if I should just come right out and ask her if she wants to talk about it or not.  It's so hard to know what the best thing to do is.

I'll ask her questions from time to time (about her treatments and the "h" - hospice - word is coming up more now but she doesn't open up much and I don't know whether to push the button or just back off.

Why is it we feel so awkward talking about this with our loved ones? I've known her for 20 years and over the years we've talked about all kind of personal stuff.

I don't think there's an answer to my question. I just see that others seem to be experiencing the same thing and I wanted to share my thoughts too.

Maddie

Analemma

I think that we have done a disservice to society by making death and dying a tabu subject.  We've made it mysterious and scary (well, scarier) and it almost seems as though people believe that death is something that happens to other people.  While it's different to have a terminal illness than a sudden death event, people of all ages die every day, and the world continues to turn. 

I always thought I'd rather die without warning than with a long terminal illness, now it seems I won't get that choice.  But my husband is convinced that this is better.  Even though I've always said to live each day as though it might be your last, there are things we are doing and planning now, that before, we didn't.  There are projects that, as he said, used to be on the "five year plan."  Now we don't have a five year plan, just a priority list, and we appreciate every day together so much.  There's something said to living life with immediacy, and having time to let go and make plans for afterward, as well.