what if no treatment ?

notallhere

MY,Wife has bc and they say she needs a mastectomy, she is not strong, been sick a long time with many other ailments.
What type of support is there if she chooses to not take the treatment?
For many of you it seems that the strength to fight comes natural and that no matter what you are willing to go to what ever lengths to win this "battle" what happens if you feel you have already lost, cant face the thought of not being a whole woman, lossing a breast and still not knowing if thats all, maybe the other one too? How far is it to be taken and what is it worth if you feel lost and your woman hood has been cut off?
I dont write this to put anyone down or hurt anyone, just looking for some real responces to the way she feels without the same old fight song, is there any?

I am here and will support her no matter what, NO matter what.

Hattie

A mastectomy is a big deal--a big loss to cope with.
But--many women may be cured with that surgery.

It isn't really breasts that make a woman. They are important to a woman, but not more important than her life. There's a lot more to me than that part of my body, and there is a lot to live for.

Maybe she can talk to other women or post here--it really helps to know others have been there.

Take care,
--Hattie

notallhere

What if life is seen as not worth it, what if the pain of life has you so far down you do not see any come back or any treatment as positve thing? Is there any support for a person who feels this way?
That is the question.
we have read many sites about this and alot of the post here and the history in the family is one of not so good responce to treatment.
She feels the way she feels and no pep talks are going to change her mind. Honestly with the history she has the treatment would be very detramental to her phsycologicaly and because it is a invasive cancer she knows in her heart it has already spead to other places in her.
It is her choice her life and all i can do is support her the best i can.

Thanks for posting.
notallhere

linny

My late father in law had colon cancer in his late seventies and had surgery and a colostomy. When he was over 80, the cancer came back, and he chose to have no treatments, and died some months later, without too much suffering. This is a very personal decision, no one can make it but your wife. However, if she is clinically depressed, and gets treated for the depression, it might make her feel differently about being treated.

Good luck to you and her.
Linda

roseg

My husband has lymphoma. It is incurable but treatable. They do a lot of "watch and wait". It takes a little getting used to because when we think cancer we think treatments.

I would look into whether your wife could take a hormonal treatment. A drug like tamoxifen or Femera/Arimidex can do a lot towards stopping distant metastatics even if you don't have chemo.

Oftentimes women have mastectomies and they actually could have lumpectomies but the result might be disfiguring. If she's really upset by the loss of a breast then I would talk with the surgeon about a lumpectomy. But generally a mastectomy is not all that tramatic and most women adjust. It's just awful to think about before you do it.

catboxer

It’s great that you’re so supportive…especially since you might actually be your wife’s best therapist when it comes to her feeling less of a woman because of the possibility of a mastectomy. Even if you’ve always been a “boob man” I’m sure there are other things you love about your wife. Point them out – again! Maybe she’s got beautiful and expressive eyes that you’ve always gotten lost in. Maybe she has the most beautiful hands in the world. Whatever it is keep telling her over and over.

Is she aware of current breast reconstruction techniques? They’ve come a long way over the last few years.

As far as support for a decision to do nothing goes I’m not sure there really is any. Most of the support available out there seems designed to lift up life. I can imagine circumstances that might lead a woman to give up without a fight depending on the kind and stage of her cancer. You might want to look into the possibility of sessions with your religious leader (if you have one). That’s the only thing I can really think of.

notallhere

lol no I am not a boob man, i love my wife no matter what, its that I support her and know it is her that has this choice to make. Yes she knows how i feel and honestly we talk open about this like with all things in our marrage.
I know her well we've been together since 83. How she feels is all that matters to me in this.
thanks for the posts

notallhere

Hattie

Talk to someone--depression is treatable. So is most breast cancer. Unless she has evidence it has spread, it has not spread (that's how it's done--if you can't find it, assume it is not there).

A lot of women here have multiple health issues--diabetes, arthritus, lupus, other cancers. They still deal with the treatment (but there are choices).

There are a lot of women who get their breast reconstucted. That is something to look in to.

I had a freakishly large tumor and everyone thought it would be everywhere, but after treatment, it is gone and life goes on better than ever.

Take care. I hope she makes her decisions based on real info and her gut, not just a feeling of fear and doom (we've all been there to a small or great degree at some point).

--Hattie

badboob67

Notallhere,
Boy, it sounds like you all are really having a tough time. Maybe if I tell you a little about me, it can help.

I, too, had been battling some ailments for quite a long time. I had very little energy and had a lot of physical pain. I had been referred from doctor to doctor and was misdiagnosed a couple of times. I had gotten to a point where I just gave up on the medical community. I hadn't been to the doctor for a number of years because no matter what I went in for, they would start writing out a prescription for the latest anti-depressant before I finished telling them why I was there. I was very angry.

Fear is what sent me to the doctor when I found the lump in my breast. In 2006, I saw the doctor Feb. 1, had mammogram Feb. 8, ultrasound Feb. 9, Biopsy Feb. 10, Mastectomy Feb. 27. It went so fast!! I had routine scans the week after my mammogram and we found out the cancer had spread to my bones. I fractured my spine at the end of March 2006, had surgery and a short course of radiation to the spine in April.

I have not taken chemo. I am doing hormonal therapy and Zometa--a drug that strengthens my bones and has a cancer-fighting effect as well. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAN I DID IN THE LAST FEW YEARS LEADING UP TO MY MASTECTOMY!! It would seem that so much of the pain, fatigue, and other symptoms were due to my body trying to fight the cancer on its own. My treatment plan has not been as hard as suffering like I was for so long.

The cold, hard truth is this: untreated, your wife's life will be cut short. When my husband asked the chemo nurse how long I had to live if I did not do treatment (this was AFTER the mastectomy and before finding out it had spread), she told us that 6 months to one year would be the time I had left.

I also had concerns about how this would affect my relationship with my husband. We had the added complication that we were just beginning to reconcile after being separated for 6 months. I have found that so many aspects of our relationship are stronger. It's not been a cake walk, but we've made it through this far.

It sounds like your wife is terribly overwhelmed and her problems feel so much bigger than she feels equipped to handle. Facing a disease like breast cancer is terrifying. From your description, it really does sound like she is suffering from depression. I would hope that she could be convinced to treat the depression as well as the cancer.

Unfortunately, there is no legal way to compel your wife to seek treatment if you are unable to convince her. If I could convince her that it is not as hard as she might think and things really can get better for her, I would do just that!

What I can do is pray for you both, and I will. Please let her know that she is welcome to come to the boards and ask questions, worry out loud, or whatever else she needs. I know we would all like her to get treatment because there IS hope!! Although her family's cancer history is important, it is not all there is to know. Every cancer is different and there are many different types of cancer. There are new drugs coming out all the time; TYKERB, a breast cancer drug, was just approved by the FDA recently. AVASTIN is another new one. Chemo is not as difficult to go through as it used to be with the advent of new anti-nausea drugs as well as drugs to help with blood counts. Doctors are learning more every day about cancer and are able to really customize treatments to the individual to ensure the best outcome possible.

MIdb

My wife said she would never do chemo. She saw what it did, and wanted no part of it. Yet, when push came to shove, she said she would try it for a while. She finished the chemo, and did end up losing both of her breasts (and chose no reconstruction). She was worried about how I might feel. My response was that I did not marry her breasts, I married her.

When she was diagnosed with mets, she again said no chemo. She would do hormone treatment, bo no chemo. Well, last Dec, all the hormone treatement options were exhausted, leaving her with nothing but chemo. Once again, she decided to try it for a while. She is still on chemo.

What I would recommend is to have her try chemo "for a while". As far as the breast removal, my personal opinion is I would rather have Ruth Ellen with no breast, than no Ruth Ellen. And Ruth would tell you that in certain ways, not having breasts is somewhat liberating. Just like losing her hair. You can't have a bad hair day if you are bald.