How do I help my friend?

ktjo

A good friend of mine just found out yesterday that she has"ductal" cancer. I don't really understand what that means and I don't think she does either. She's out of town right now visiting her inlaws. This woman has been a rock in my life. Always supporting and always strong. My question is how to do I that for her now? I don't know what she needs or how to help her. I think I might be all she has to lean on. She told me I was the only person she could be real with, and that she was scared and alone right now. I want to know what kind gifts can I give her? What kinds of things should I NOT say? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to tell her how lost and helpless I feel. I'm sure it's nothing compared to how she's feeling right now.

Anonymous

Im newly diagnosed with breast cancer and not really sure how to answer your question but I understand how alone she feels.
My mom, my daughter and my best friend have been there every step of the way for me...sometimes they ask questions, sometimes just sit quietly and wait for me....they seem to know what I need when I need it the most...
I know you will more than anything FEEL what your friend needs and will be there to support her.
It was very helpful for me to have everyone with me at each appt..I also purchased a hand held tape recorder so that we could record the Dr appts (might be a nice gift for her)...
My daughters best friend lives a few blocks from me and one evening she just showed up with dinner, was a relief as I hadnt really had an appetite since this all started and hadnt bothered to cook in a week or more...
I have gone to bed after an especially rough day and woken in the morning to find my son or my youngest brother snuck in during the night and are sleeping on the sofa (they didnt want me to wake alone)...
Its the little things that people do that helps the most...
Mostly the emotional support to me is the most important...I dont care if my house falls down around my ears or is cluttered at times when I dont feel like doing house work....my friends and family are the best medicine for me there is....

You will do wonderful supporting her in whatever she may need!!!!!

ktjo

Oh thank you so much for those words. I will get her the tape recorder. I think that's a great idea. Can you help me with one more question? Anyone? Who can I tell? I work with people that know her and would probably like to support her, can I tell them? Do I let her tell everyone?

Anonymous

Not sure what her feelings would be on who to tell...
My experience was that I HAD to tell my boss because I needed to take so much time off work....Im an office manager and am ALWAYS at work so after a bit the other people in the office started asking questions...(they are so use to me being here everyday)...my boss asked what I would like him to do...at that time I really didnt know much more than the fact that I had breast cancer so asked him to no say anything until I knew more...things moved so fast for me it was only a couple of days and I was scheduled for surgery so figured it was time to tell them...my boss called an employee meeting (there are only 10 of us here so its a small office) and he told them all together at once...it was really hard but they have all been so wonderful about it all.
I think if I were you I would ask her thoughts on telling people...I didnt tell anyone except mom, my daughter and best friend at first...each person I think is different about this, but I know how much I appreciated my boss asking me first and she probably will too

Anonymous

I forgot to add that if you would like to email directly or get together and chat my infomation is here under my profile...

CaliforniaKate

The nicest thing a good friend did for me was just go to some of my early Dr.appointments with me. I didn't want her to even go in with me. It was just a great relief knowing that she was with me on the ride and waiting for me in the waiting room. When I was first diagnosed, most friends acted strange with me. I don't see them as much anymore. A few of my true friends were so supportive and had such a positive attitude. I can never repay them for that. Your friend is going thru a really tough time now, and I'm sure she feels so lucky to have you. One more suggestion is, when she is ready, help her find a BC support group in her area. Maybe go to the first meeting with her if she feels scared. Kate

vpiazza

just be her friend. don't treat her differently. ask her what she needs from you, and just be there. i would definitely leave it up to her to tell people, though.

FrannyK

ktjo, what a good friend you are. I would say just listen to her, let her know you're scared too. I think it's wonderful you came to this site. Acknowledge she has breast cancer...i think the worst a friend can do is not acknowledge how scary bc is...and not ask or try to understand the disease like you are doing. I get angry with a couple of my friends...but then i realize they think they are helping with their cheery talk and no mention of cancer. Your friend will eventually know the most about bc (hopefully)...and many times it's best for bc gals to talk to each other about these crummy details we go thru in treatment..thats why this site is so good. Seems "what not to say" can be a big list...I had a friend that said "oh..i know 10 women that had bc...you'll be fine"...she basically reduced my cancer to nothing to be concerned about..she didn't know my pathology..but still she said that. I know it's denial on her part but still. I think our biggest fear is that we won't be ok. So..for people that don't know much about it to reassure us, it kinda hurts. I had a bc friend say "just be hopeful, yeah?" and my heart warmed. I think that a lot..hopeful thoughts.
I also have a friend that came over and cooked for me and has taken me to many of my plastic surgeon appts. She is a wonderful, gracious friend. My family and husband know the real deal about this cancer because they go to my appts with me and hear my docs talk when i ask tons of questions. If you can do that with her and just hug her and hold her hand that's good.
take care
fran

cowgirl

She will need help with food after surgery, if she has chemo a doctor trip would be nice. A chemo patient always eats before chemo, so a trip to a buffet or a restaurant she likes would be nice.

It is the little things a bc patient needs, not big things.

Just let her handle her cancer, and she will show you what a really strong person looks like, she will be stronger than ever before.

KariLynn

On the who to tell I wopuld tell no one unless you have asked her if it's ok. Some people are uncomfortable with people knowing and giving them the pity looks (try to avoid that, yourself) while others would as soon everyone knew so they didn't have to tell them.

Just continue to be a friend and check in with her regularly. Don't assume after a few weeks or months she's over it and doesn't need support - she'll need it for a long time. Be sure and take care of yourself too, so you don't get burned out.

Shanea

KTJO,
I was diagnosed with DCIS (ductal cancer) in Aug. and had a mastectomy in Sept. My best fried was such an important part of my successful recovery. It was the "little" things that she did that made such a difference. Luckily, my husband was a great help, but there are just some things you don't want your husband to have to do. My friend came to my house and washed my hair for me. She helped me sit on the edge of the tub and she shaved my legs for me. She would come over and just sit and watch TV with me. She did all the "little" things I couldn't do but needed to have done. She cleaned my house, washed my clothes, and prepared several meals for me. If your friend is alone, you might want to prepare some meals and freeze them in divided plates so that all she has to do is pull one out and heat it up. This was a great help. She also called me every day on her way home from work to see if I needed anything from WalMart, such as bandages, gauze, ect. Just being there will be enough. She sounds lucky to have a friend like you!

ginna

I loved getting card with postive message in them from my friends. Then she began to send me funny ones. It was a real upper forme kept me laughing.....