Getting married and worried about the future

ruths2

My sisters-
I need your help. I am a generally happy person who is trying to be positive and move on with my life. In June 2005 I had a left mastectomy with grade 3, ER+PR- mixed ILC and IDC. I had 13 positive lymph nodes which had been completely taken over with cancer. I finished dose dense AC and taxotere and 30 radiation treatments and am currently taking tamoxifen (which some research says is not effective with PR- tumors). So...I wich I could find someone who could tell me my actual odds of recurrance/mortality. My onc says at my stage we could still "cure this thing." I just can't help wondering about my future. I'm 48 and work as an elementary school principal. I have a wonderful fiancee, two fabulous grown children, 2 lovely grandaughters and am planning to get married in the summer. I am so blessed, yet I'm just having trouble thinking in the long term, making plans and talking about the future. Should we buy a house that depends on my income to help pay for it? Should I still keep putting away money for my retirement? I try to keep my focus on the present, but I can't help wishing I knew if I should be planning for the short or the long term. Any thoughts?
-Ruth

RoundTwoinCA

Ruth,

All valid concerns for all of us. I would say - yes - buy the house - you can up your life insurance to cover your half if it makes you feel better. Keep putting the money away - you may "cure this thing" or retire early - just don't deny the present for the future. You should focus on the present - with or without bc. Life is for living - if you want that house then you should have it and if you want money to retire then you should save it.

We might just cure this disease and we'll all have to start thinking about what would happen if we LIVED.

Hope this helps!

Ginney

roseg

It's odd to think about getting married mid-life. When I got married we were just starting out and we just did it.

I'm not certain your issues are as much related to having had breast cancer as they might be to being mid-career and entering a second marriage.

It might not be a bad idea for you and fiance to consult with a financial planner. Are you considering early retirement? How well are your retirement needs being addressed? What other obligations do you both have?

Breast cancer wins if it rules your life. Sometimes a plan is an advantage.

Fitztwins

Someone possted here once, enjoy the picnic and stop worrying if it will rain. I love that analogy. It could rain at anytime, but I am not going to stop picnic! I too have a similar diagnosis. I thought I shouldn't get a new car, or clothes, or whatever ....(btw my kids are young). Then I thought, I would rather have all of the above and enjoy my life then if I did get sick again, I would have wasted all that time.

No one can predict our prognosis. But I do beleive with all of the advances, we stage III folks should be around for a long time.

Janis

Anonymous

"enjoy the picnic, stop worrying if it will rain"----I love that!

None of us knows how long we have in this life, so it is up to us to make the best of it while we're here.

Chrysalis

Hi Ruth,

First off - congratulations on your impending marriage. How wonderful that you've found your lifemate!! I can certainly relate to your concerns regarding your future. When I was first diagnosed (Stage 3B IDC, positive nodes, 3 tumors, blah blah blah) I was afraid to renew my magazine subscriptions for 2 years to get the better rate! I was afraid to lease my car for more than 2 years.

It's been 6.5 years, and yes, this summer I had a recurrence (bone mets), and even though I thought my life would crumble around me if this ever happened, it didn't.

I, like you, am surrounded with loving family and I try not to "clear my calendar" waiting for the worst.

A great book I read "Grace and Grit," by Ken Wilber is about his wife's battle with bc. At one point she says something like, "every moment I spend worrying about dying is a moment I can't spend enjoying living." Isn't that simple and beautiful?

I agree with the folks above who suggested that financial planning is in order, but don't forget to see the forest for the trees. Life is for the living.

Hugs, Renee

ruths2

Thanks everyone. I just needed a little perspective and the comfort in knowing someone out there "gets" what I'm feeling. I do want to put my energy toward living. Clink...here's to our blessings!
-Ruth

aspen

Ruth,
I am a three time survivor- 10/97 lf.breast, 4/04 rt. breast and 4/05 lf. breast again-- all new primaries and three different cell types. Had already been treated with lumpectomies and radiation therapy in the past so in 4/05 with Round #3 had no choice but mastectomy on left and chose to have a prophylactic on the rt. as well. No reconstruction will be done (my choice). I too am planning to be married this summer to my college sweetheart. Oh, did I say I graduated from college in 1975? We are both 51 and this will be the second marriage for both of us. Interestingly, we both have 23 year old sons. Do I worry about the future and a 4th bout with BC? Not really. I try to enjoy each day that the Lord gives me and I hope for a wonderful life with my soulmate. Be realistic, but not morbid. LIVE AND LOVE TODAY. Life is too short as it is. Make plans for the future as you would anyway financially. And look forward to happiness and love with your soon to be husband. My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Rita

rvgirl

Go for it. Go for it all. You can't play it safe in life and if you try to, life will show you otherwise.

ravdeb

I agree. You are living now. Do what will make you happy and make your life that much mmore fulfilled. What will be, will be. You don't want regrets later. Go for it!

Anonymous

I agree--go for it. My mom is a 3 time cancer survivor--bc over twenty years ago with no recurrence, but colon cancer twice in the last 5 years. She doesn't let any of it stop her from doing whatever she wants. Live life and be happy!

momto4girls

You go girl...enjoy life and loved ones. They are all precious.

moogie

All any of us has is today. SO live it to the fullest!!!
You have a sense of your mortality, but many folks will leave for work today and through misadventure never make it home tonight. Enjoy all the possibilities available to you!!
Moogie