Death of a Sex Life

KHBTeacher

Some 19 months ago, my wife of 10 years was diagnosed with breast cancer. After several unsuccessful attempts excise only the cancer, she ultimately required a complete left mastectomy and cosmetic reconstruction. The results were, in a word, phenomenal - a complete cure with minimal disfigurement. She even underwent nipple reconstruction and tattooing to achieve a more natural appearance.

She had no sooner recovered from the mastectomy, when she had to have both ovaries removed. This brought on what is known as "sudden-onset menopause." Ever since, our once robust sex life has been virtually nonexistent!

Sadly, we've been handed something of a double whammy. Post-menopausal women normally experience a loss of sex drive, which can be cured by hormone replacement therapy. But, because of my wife's cancer history, she cannot take hormone replacements. Worse yet, she is required to take Tamoxifen, a powerful estrogen-blocking drug designed to reduce the likelihood the cancer will reoccur.

She’s tried a handful of times to meet my sexual needs; her desire for sex is simply gone. Lovemaking, to her, has become a distasteful chore - one that she approaches mechanically, and without enthusiasm or emotional involvement.

Whenever I try to initiate any kind of intimacy, she only gets irritable and pushes me away or disdainfully submits, saying "Just hop on and get just get it over with." I’m sure you can appreciate how that affects my feelings and my level of desire. On those terms, having sex is little more than compliant rape.

At age 52, I most certainly don’t intend to remain celibate. However, I find self- pleasuring a lousy substitute for the intimacy that accompanies intercourse, and I’m hardly the type to skulk around seeking sex on the side. Most importantly, I'm not prepared to ask my wife to take hormones that will expose her to a recurrence of cancer.

In short, my sex life lies in tatters. It’s beginning to take a toll on our relationship, and I’m really beginning to despair. I feel there are no good and viable options.

Can anyone offer any practical suggestions or useful advice?

--Kiernan

texayn2005

On the subject of sex or rather the lack of it, I can't think of anything to say that would not be immediately deleted by the moderator.
On the subject of cancer, if and when you are ever dx with cancer, get back to me and we will have a real talk about despair.

ravdeb

I believe that you will not be able to fully understand what your wife is going through. It's not just the physical aspect of the disease but the emotional aspect as well that often our male partners have trouble empathizing with.

There is a section on this website about sex and intimacy that may be of help.

I also suggest talking to the oncologist about this and perhaps she can recommend somebody to help you through this difficult time.

I hope that your wife is okay.

bonnienclyde-2006Aug11

KHBTeacher you sound smart and very sincere. Please do not give up on your wife. This, cancer is so very hard to deal with. It will get better. This road is long. And yes talk to the oncologist. For some reason we sometimes resent people we should not when we are told we have cancer. We recent God, our doctors and for unknown reasons our loved ones. I know this sounds so stupid but after my surgery in August 06 I resented hearing laughter and sometimes still do. It's like everyone has moved on and forgot what I am going through. Since surgery no other word has been spoken about my cancer even though I am still waiting on test to see what treatment is next. You and your wife will have to work through this illness together. The only thing I disagree with is your use of the words " - a complete cure with minamal disfigurement". Her heart and soul is probably disfigured. She may feel like most of us that every day the cancer will return and every ache and pain is a reocurrance.You did not say much about her type of cancer. Ask your wife if there is anything you can do for her including giving it more time. I am not writing to scold you because if you did not want help you would not have come here looking for answers. Please keep us posted. Your replies may help someone else here.

csp

Kiernan ,
You sound like you are truly looking for answers to me so here is some suggested reading ....
Marc Silver's "The breast cancer husband" (book).
And as ravedeb suggest go to the section about sex and intimacy. BC is a very tramatic dx and all though things may look like okay all better, recovery emotional and physical are a journey that can take some time and it is a common mistake to believe that once treatments are over and scars heal all should go back to normal, rarely if ever is that the case.

Carrie

LuAnnH

I understand your sex life is an important part of your relationship, you obviously had in your words "a robust" sex life, which is fine. She has alot to deal with as do you. When you suggested minimal disfigurement, does this mean you see her differently? I am not trying to be mean or cruel, just wanting you to ask yourself these questions honestly. Some people (men and women) are vain and require physical beauty at any age, some people are able to look at the inside and are more accepting of physical disfigurements. If you see her differently, imagine how she see herself. Maybe she feels unattractive and doesn't like you looking at her because of what she deems to be an imperfection.

How long has it been since her treatment ended? That could be a factor in her not being back to feeling like a normal person. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling? Have you offered her the opportunity to explain to you how she is feeling. Men and women both need to feel loved and our requirements for how we feel loved are different. Men tend to like to exhibit their love in their lovemaking to her. Women can be comfortable expressing their love in words or simple cuddling. I am sure she understands your desires are strong and she complies by allowing you to have sex with her at times. Is it possible for you to abstain for some time while she recovers. She obviously had chemo which is literally putting poison in your viens and living. You do not recover fully the day treatment is over. You may find that as she starts to feel better and realize you still love her and accept her new look that she will do more to try and accomodate your desires. She may never get that hearty sexual appetite back but if she is willing to try and do things to get her desire back or statisfy your needs couldn't you compromise and settle for a lesser sex life?

You can also look at it this way...suppose you became impotent tomorrow, do you think she would be upset and expressing herself that she finds it unacceptable that you cannot make love to her anymore? Is it possible she would abstain and stay with you out of her love for you?

Bottom line, we don't always like the things life throughs at us, but we have to make the best out of a bad situation. I do apoligize if anything I wrote sounded harsh as that is not my intent. But I do want you to try and understand what a horrible thing this disease is. It's effect are not only physical!

This is a two way street though. Do you really know how she feels about herself? Has she accepted her changes? Does she participate in a support group, either online or in person? She has to fully accept her new normal as do you.

I am sure I have rambled enough. I hope you can work through this as you obviously share a very intimate relationship. Give her some time without pressure to heal and accept everything she has been through. Hopefully you will find that your friend and lover will be back. She may never be back to 100% but if you both can find a way to meet in the middle.

LuAnn

jah4377

Quote:

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Whenever I try to initiate any kind of intimacy, she only gets irritable and pushes me away or disdainfully submits, saying "Just hop on and get just get it over with." I’m sure you can appreciate how that affects my feelings and my level of desire. On those terms, having sex is little more than compliant rape.
--Kiernan

---

My advise to you is try to be intimate with your wife without being sexual. Hold her hand at dinner, bring her favorite morning drink, give her a nice foot massage, read her the morning paper. These nice things will add up and she may be able to relax with you if she is not feeling pressured. Please remember sex comes from an emotional place for women and more of a physical place for men. She probably isn't pushing you away to hurt you, she may need a little more time to come to terms of what has happened to her. Just be the best loving husband you can be and do not pressure her she may need to feel that you love her for more then sex. A compromising sex life is really important. Good Luck, I hope things work out for you.

roseg

The MOJO thread in Moving Beyond Cancer has some good ideas. Lubricant is very important. Sexy thoughts are really the key.

Sometimes sex is as much habit as desire, which is not to say that it isn't fun one you get going! You've kind of gotten out of the habit. It's a charged issue so you probably will just dig yourself into a hole trying to get her to 'do it'.

Is she on an anti-depressant? Those help with various bc problems but often do your sex life in.

Are you looking sexy? A toned tush, slim waist, nice shoulders - women notice these things. For heavens sake don't buy her any sexy lingere, but perhaps you could perk up your own wardrobe. You never know what might push her buttons. And if not, then at least you'll feel better.

fancy2

Quote:

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She’s tried a handful of times to meet my sexual needs; her desire for sex is simply gone. Lovemaking, to her, has become a distasteful chore - one that she approaches mechanically, and without enthusiasm or emotional involvement.

Whenever I try to initiate any kind of intimacy, she only gets irritable and pushes me away or disdainfully submits, saying "Just hop on and get just get it over with." I’m sure you can appreciate how that affects my feelings and my level of desire. On those terms, having sex is little more than compliant rape.

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Well, for starters I can offer sympathy. My husband and I are dealing, still, with the same issues. I can only give you my POV. I am a rather modest woman. Breast cancer required that i be naked from the waist up, in front of five techs including guys, for 37 rad treatments, not to mention numerous office exams, photos, and the list goes on. I was very angry about my illness, about my surgery, about the whole deal. When my DH reached out to fondle me, my first impulse was to deck him and the second was to run! We have tried to talk about it, but his own anger and frustration gets in the way. Added to that is the fact that, bluntly, achieving a climax is only 1/10th as much fun as it used to be and about 25x harder. It's just about not worth the effort, IMHO. What I DO enjoy is closeness--hugs, back rubs, snuggles, gentle caresses. My DH has a very busy schedule. It's usually late by the time it's "my turn" and I'm tired and not in the mood. "The Mood" starts, you understand, before lunch. Guys can get "In the Mood" anytime. Girls need to think about it more. So we're not matching either. I hear, "Why should I kiss you when it doesn't mean we're going to have sex?" And I say, "Why should we have sex if you don't care enough about me to give me time when we're not in bed....."

I hope you do better at solving your impasse than we have. I think a third party, one skilled in sex counseling, could help a lot, but my DH is not willing to go that route.

stacey2930

I am also taking Tamoxifen and it does cause a huge decrease in Libido. One thing I have found that has helped me tremendously is the antidepressant "wellbutrin" one of the side effects is "increased Libido" and I can tell you from my own experience it is true. Orgasms are more intense and my sex life has improved tremendously. I cant understand why more MD's dont prescribe the medication for women suffering with low libido. I am a nurse practitioner so I know a little about medication. To me its like a female "viagra" most male MD's arent really concerned about womens libido but they are quick to prescribe "viagra" for men in there 70's and 80's. PM me if you need more information. Take care. Stacey

wallan

I think my DH would empathize with you. He complains about the same thing about me. I had a mastectomy over 2 years ago and chemo and rads. I am on tamoxifen and am supposed to be scheduling an oophorectomy and hysterectomy which I cannot bring myself to do.

I have a 40-50% chance my cancer will recur, despite treatment.

I am only 43 and my sex life was robust and vibrant before all this. Now it is a trickle. It is true what fancy2 says.
I am tired, worn-out, achy, and a completely different woman now. Reaching orgasm is alot of work. When my hubby wants sex, I cringe inside. I really do. So I can understand your wife completely about that.

But do reach out to other partner's whose wives have/had breast cancer for support. I am sure you are not alone in this. Like I said, my hubby has a hard time understanding especially since it seems like I am "okay". He takes it personally too. You need support. Reach out.

By the way, your writing helped me understand my hubby more.
Thank-you.

Wendy A

tycosales

I'm a newbie here, here's my related story. I'm 51, my wife is 48 and this past summer she was diagnosed with BC for the 3rd time. The first time we were in our late 30's, with kids at home. She had a lumpectomy on one side, lymphglands removed on the same side, chemo, radiation, pills afterwards. Our sex life didn't really suffer at all. She was still cancer free 5 years after the first diagnosis so we figured that was it. Then mid March 2004 after a trip to Disney World over New Year day, she discovered a small lump on the lumpectomy scar. Turned out to be BC again. This time we went the double mascetomy route with reconstruction, then chemo again (different drugs), and to our surprise her oncologist suggested we see the radiation Dr again. The have some new machines with very precise aiming. So she went through radiation again. Bad part, due to future concerns of her skin healing abilities, it was recomended that her implants be removed. All of this was very difficult for her (all the surgery and tubes). And she went through chemical menapause too, lost most of her sex drive ( plus tires easily, uncomfortable, sometimes painful) During all of this second occurance, she somewhat pushed me away, withdrew into herself, pretty much ignored me saying she was going to put all her energy to staying alive. What was I to do, so I decided to get myself healthy, I did the South Beach Diet, dropped 80 lbs, I started a simple exercise program, and I got in better physical shape then I was at 35. I also took on most of the laundry, cooking, yard work, house maintenance, and other regular chores in addition to my regular sales position. This past summer she has found and had removed 3 small skin lumps containing BC cells, and she is currently on Ziloda. She still looks like a mid 30 yr old woman, very attractive, slender/petite, and I tell her. We got her some prostetic devices so in her clothes she feels complete. She is an active walker, gone back to work full time at the preschool at our church, the kids are both in college, I'm still at my weight loss goal from 2 years ago, just about everything is normal and better than before... but the missing sex. I had hoped with both kids away, she would loosen up a little, we could be a little more spontanious, but it didn't happen. Now this loss of libdo has me baffled, if that's truly what it is. When we do have sex, it is as mindblowing as before we were married. But its only about every 2 months that it occurs. We have gone to a counselor on and off, separately and together, we talk about sex, we've talked about separating, we touch and hold and kiss. But it's like there's a flutter in the circuit. She went out and bought 3 kinds of lube products, so I know the desire sometimes peeks out. It can all work out, you just have to really work at it. We're still trying. And so are the medical researchers. I'm glad I stumbled across this forum. I was begining to wonder if anybody really cared about the significant other.

Klouise1919

Hello,
I'm in the middle of treatment and I can understand why one's sex life changes considerably. Here are a few more practical things that have helped my husband and me. First, he understands that I will not be interested in sex at night, I am too tired. Second he has let me ask for simple inimacy, hugs whatever, and just keeps it at that. When I ask him to scoot over in bed (away from me) he knows its because my skin is irritated, I'm nausesou, etc.)
But I am determined to have a sexual relationship, albeit a simple one for now I take Replens, an over the counter vaginal lubricant every three days, it makes me feel more normal. Once or twice a week in the morning I initiate sex, what might best be described as a gentle coupling. Nothing too hot and heavy, believe me. I feel as if cancer has robbed me of a lot, and I am determined to stay intimate with my husband. But I have to be honest -- I know that this may be the way things go from now on. When you get a diagnosis like this, things may change for a long time, maybe forever. Good luck.

stacey2930

I am not sure if you still visit this website but I am curious how things are. Thinking of you in Montgomery, Alabama.