WHY???

SNOWYNOC

Why????
I ask my self that question every day since december 29, 2004. Why did Kim end up with breast cancer. Why is our family being hit with this????? I cry everyday. I can't stand the fact that my sister who has never smoked or done anything bad in life got this.
Kim is 41 years old and 1 month after her 40th birthday we found out she has metastatic breast cancer to the bone. For 6-8months her medical doctor was saying the pain in her lft arm and shoulder was burcitis. When she went to an ortho doc and had a ct scan they found the tumor.
She is hormone postive. and started on tomoxafin. 6 months later that wasn't working and she had her overies out and they put her on famara. Everything has been going ok untill a couple of months ago she had sciatica pain. they gave her more pain meds, she hates pain meds and will only take a half at a time. They did a ct of her spine nothing showed up then they did a ct of her pelvis and that showed a tumor pushing on the nerve. She started on rads did 14 of them during her lunch break. Kim will never stop working. I think it keeps her going. Well after the rads stopped I noticed her loosing wt. she started loosing wt the last doctors visit 6lbs in one month. She got real pale The third week in July I was away and she called me to tell me all she wanted to do was sleep. She could not eat, Still loosing wt fast. well I came home and looked at her and KNEW that she was anemic. she was. Got 2 units of blood. One of the worse things was that her rt eye was messed up she could could only see double vision out of it if she looked straight ahead.when she looked to the left she could see fine. well she still worked with it by covering her eye. WITH HER HAND!!!!!! Now get this she is a housekeeper in a nursing home. I bought her a patch. She kept feeling worse they orderd a MRI of her head to r/o mets to the head. spinal tap also came back neg with the MRI. saw a eye doc and he said the rt lower eye muscle is weak. maybe the anemia did it and it should come back in time. we went to the doctor the other day she has been feeling better but he says she is anemic again. WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING??????? IS IT FROM THE RAD TO THE PELVIS (A LOT OF BONE MARROW THERE) OR IS THERE SOMETHING ELES GOING ON?????
They orderd a ct and bone scan on wednesday. I pray that comes back ok.
I just keep asking why? I cry everyday. I am very strong when I am with her but when I drop her off, I just cry. I worry about her, our mother and her daughter. I think way too much. I think of the what ifs... How will we get through this??? How can I get my family through this???? I get so scared of loosing her. I don't know if I can handle it. I have to stay strong and for the last 18months I have been for everyone. They just don't know how much I fall apart when I am at home. Sometimes I think my husband thinks I am going crazy. He has been wounderful thru this so have my kids. I can't stop worring.
Kim has lost a total of 35pounds in the last 3months at the last visit she gained 2pounds yea!!!!
I know I just keep going on and on. But I just can't help it . I think that it helps me in someways.
All I can say is this:
I love mys sister. I will fight to the end with her. I will always be by her side no matter what. I will scream and cry when I am not with her. I will only cry with her when she cries and we hug. We are not just sisters we are best friends.
All I ask is why?????
Why did this happed???
tami

Sandra1957

No reason why. It just does. You are a wonderful sister. Kim is lucky to have you in her life. I hope that things get better for you both soon.

lini

momarcela

And cry you must - to stay healthy - Sometimes being the support giver is harder than the one who is facing cancer - I don't have a WHY answer for you - we all at some point ask ourselves why - but your love for her will help her get through this - I know my own sister was my research advocate at the beginning - was here for my surgery and has been a source of love and strength for me -You are a good sister - and cancer is happening to both of you (and the rest of your family) I send love and prayers to you all.

CalGal

Tami -

Kim is fortunate to have such a caring sister. I know it's really hard and scary to see a loved one go through what Kim is dealing with. But 18 months is a long time to be asking the "why" question ... particularly, since it sounds like it's really tormenting you. For me, the "why" is what it is ... bc sucks, it's not fair ...

If you look at these boards, there's an astoundingly high number of younger women ... something has to be going on ... maybe it's the processing of our food or other environmental factors, but why some get it and some don't, there isn't an answer ...

Have you tried any support groups for loved ones of cancer patients?

I was dx'd at the same age as your sis. I also have mets but to the liver, not bone, so I can't address those questions. However, I went thru 38 radiation treatments. I was told to NOT try to lose weight, gaining weight is fine and to eat red meat and a healthy diet! Rad'tn definitely makes one fatigued in a cumulative manner. I worked 1/2 time, which got more difficult as treatment continued.

Are you sure your sister wants to work or does she need to (financial or med benefits)? Have you talked to her about it? Can she work less if she wanted? Many prefer to work. Others don't.

While on rad'tn, they didn't do bloodwork for me ... and sounds like they're not doing it for Kim. But on chemo, I get have it done frequently. I also tend to have a low wbc, so I'm on Neupogen to keep the wbc up. How often do they check her blood and what do they do when she's anemic?

You don't mention if your sister has had chemo. But just yesterday, I saw a thread about vision problems while on chemo (and posted on it). Could that be related to your sister's eye problem?

Maybe you already are, but if not, have you considered being your sister's advocate? Being the one to be the "manager of her health care"? That and bc research is "my job" at this point. It takes a lot of effort ... and might be another way for you to support your sister. I've had to push/fight for a biopsy, a surgical procedure and suggested other changes to my treatment that I believed were beneficial. 2nd opinions have also worked in my favor. I know you want to do all you can for your sister.

Hoping for good CT Scan results for Kim and that you can find some peace,

CalGal

SNOWYNOC

Kim has never had chemo, yet,. Her doctor said she may need it later on in treatment but that was 18 months ago. Once we find out the answers in the next week or so we may find out if she needs it.We have been to Boston. They say that the treatment that is being done here at home (Massachusetts, "The Berkshires") is just what they would do. Is there somewhere else we should try?? Kim has spots (small) on her liver.hips.spine. She never had the lump removed in her breast because that can be used as a guide. It did the damage that has you remove it to begin with so why remove it now. it is the size of a pea or smaller right now from the hormone meds.
I think that I am so worried is because she has been anemic x 2. I keep wondering if it is from the radiation or is there something else going on. Her eye is a mysteries to all of us. A neurologist saw her in the emergency department a couple of weeks ago and they did a spinal tap. They were thinking that the cancer may be in her spinal fluid. That would not be good. also she had a MRI of her head to r/o brain mets they both came back neg. Her doctor said he may repeat the spinal tap because sometimes they come back neg the first time.

I am Kim's advocate. Kim does not like to face any of this. This is why it has been so hard from the beginning. Kim only hears what she wants to hear and then is very surprised when she hears it again. I have to remind her that they told us that. I don't blame her. I know it is not easy to try to deal with this. But it is hard to get through her head that when things come up or start acting weird she needs to tell me or her doctor. (She would tell me first then I would call the doctor,) I call the doctor about everything. She calls me then I call them.

She wants to live. With out a doubt I know this. But sometimes I think that she thinks ,if she ignores something it will go away. I have tried to get her to go to some type of support group. No way she won;t. That is because it would be more of facing it.

Our family is wonderful. Our mother wants to be more involved but Kim won't allow it. Our mother is very very emotional. I do let her in on most info. She has a right to know. Kim's daughter Krista is 20 years old and in her 3rd year of college. Very close to mom. Only child. Very protected. I also let Krista know how serious this is. little by little. Our brother Mark is my rock he knows it all. I cry to him and get it all out then go to the next step. Our other brothers well they think everything is going to get better. Not to worry.

I am a triage/liaison in the emergency room. I also do patient placement. I see tragedy everyday. I have held on to so many mothers, children and loved ones as they found out the news of their family member. I have held them up to get through this horrible ordeal that they are facing. I have sat a talked with them and somehow helped them face it. Sometimes I think to myself as horrible as it is facing death so unexpectedly is it better then walking the unknown of what is next with cancer. The fears of what ifs and what are. Who knows..Know matter what it is never easy....

I just want you all to know that this is not all about me. I come here to write my feeling and it helps. I cry and then wipe my tears and go on to face what ever is ahead of us. I know that I am strong. I know we will get thru this ride. I know that no matter what we find out on Thursday we will face it together and find out what is next for treatment.

thanks to all you.It helps to know that we all are in this together.
Love and prayers for all of us!!!
Tami

CalGal

Tami -

So sorry to hear all of that ... You really do have your hands full ... and I agree that it's made more difficult by your sister being in denial. At least your sister tells you her medical issues so that you can tell the doctors ... That's great that you are Kim's advocate, she really is fortunate to have a sister like you ... but I know it's emotionally difficult. But even your work in the ER has to be more difficult now ...

Sounds like you've had a 2nd opinion which confirmed Kim's treatment ... If you're comfortable with that, great ... if not, get a 3rd.

With mets, it seems like they like to leave the primary tumor in ... as a marker to see how effective the treatment is ...

Hoping all the scans continue to come back negative.

CalGal

straykat

Tami,

You are so thoughtful, so caring - and then you said you're a nurse! Of course you're thoughtful and caring! You're a nurse! We love nurses around here. We encounter an odd duck now and then, but we learn to get around them or get rid of them.

My Mom died of breast cancer about twenty years ago, the Dark Ages as far as fighting this disease is concerned. My daughter is my advocate, my soft place to land (as Dr. Phil would say) and is much like you. I have much admiration for both of you.

As to the "Why?" question. I found this quote from Arthur Ashe. You may be too young to remember him, so here's a brief bio:

Quote:

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Arthur Robert Ashe, Jr. (July 10, 1943 – February 6, 1993) was a prominent African American tennis player who was born and raised in Richmond, Virginia. During his playing career, he won three Grand Slam titles. Ashe is also remembered for his efforts to further social causes.

...In 1975, after several years of lower levels of success, Ashe played his best season ever by winning Wimbledon, unexpectedly defeating Jimmy Connors in the final. He remains the only black player ever to win the men's singles at Wimbledon, the US Open, or Australian Open, and one of only two black men to win a Grand Slam singles event (the other being France's Yannick Noah, who won the French Open in 1983). He would play for several more years, but after being slowed by heart surgery in 1979, Ashe retired in 1980.

...The story of Ashe's life turned from success to tragedy in 1988, however, when Ashe discovered he had contracted HIV during the blood transfusions he had received during one of his two heart surgeries. He and his wife kept his illness private until April 8, 1992, when reports that the newspaper USA Today was about to publish a story about his condition forced him to make a public announcement that he had the disease. In the last year of his life, Arthur Ashe did much to call attention to AIDS sufferers worldwide. Two months before his death, he founded the Arthur Ashe Institute for Urban Health, to help address issues of inadequate health care delivery and was named Sports Illustrated magazine's Sportsman of the Year. He also spent much of the last years of his life writing his memoir Days of Grace, finishing the manuscript less than a week before his death.

Ashe died of complications from AIDS on February 6, 1993.

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This is from the Wikipedia entry for Arthur Ashe:
Wiki on Arthur Ashe

His take on Why Me?

Quote:

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During his battle with AIDS, from the world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease"?

To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -- 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?". And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

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My Mom's attitude was "Why not me?" Mine has been that too and perhaps someday you can get to that point. Celebrate your sister's life thus far and continue to cherish her in the future.

Best of luck to you and your sister.

Mimi

AnnaM

Tami, you sound like a wonderful person and your sister is very lucky to have you in her life. You say that this is not about you, but it is in part about you. You need just as much support as your sister does. You need a place to go to when you are down and want to cry with someone, or when you want to complain. Our local hospital sponsors support groups for caregivers and I wonder if you have something like that available to you? I find it helps just as much to hear someone else share as it does to be heard by those who face the same issues I do.

It sounds like you are taking care of a lot of family members. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

Anna