So scared and upset for my mum

TracyM22

hello everyone, I need a bit of support and advice please, Im not a strong person, Im not dealing with this very well. Im struggling big time.
My mum was diagnosed with BC in march this year, grade 3 cancer, measuring 2-3cms, with 1 or 2 lumps in arpit too. Her options were (because of the position of the tumour) to have a masectomy, followed by 8 cycles of chemo, (4 cycles of cyclophosphamide and epirubin, then 4 cycles of docetaxel) followed by rad, or to have neo adjuvent therapy, hopefully to shrink the tumour to a lesser size, and allowing for a lumpectomy rather than masectomy. She decided on option 2.
So the chemo started in April, the 1st 4 cycles, 3 weeks apart went OK apart from the horrid side effects, the tumour shrunk by around 25%.
Then she started the docetaxel, again, horrid side effects, but obviously worth it for the end result.
She had her 3rd cycle of docetaxel last week and was very optimistic, her next one being the last and so on... but today she tells me she doesn't think the lump has shrunk at all on this chemo drug, in fact she thinks its getting bigger??
I can't believe this can really be the case, Im praying its all in her mind, and Ive convinced her to phone her oncologist tomorrow and try to get an urgent appointment.
Up to now mum has been so strong, accepting everything thrown at her but Ive never seen her this low. (aside from the BC she has HUGE personal problems at the moment to deal with it too, life is rubbish for her in every sense right now)
We were just starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but what now? What if this chemo drug isn't working for her? I'm terrified, Im trying to act normally for the kids, but I can't, Im shouting at them, its not their fault, Im shouting at my partner, its not his fault either, everythings just a huge mess, I feel sick.
Ive run out of positive things to say to her, please, has anyone got any advice? How do you keep on being positive for someone when it seems like they keep getting smacked down?
Thanks for reading, I know its garbled, and if anyone can offer any words of wisdom i would be so grateful.
Thank you.

crami2

Tracy, take a deep breath....ok, take another. Now, until your Mom sees her Oncologist you can't be sure what is going on, but certainly your Mom should ask at the next appt. If she is not responding to this chemo they might want to stop and go back to the other. Chemo is no fun for any of us, but we made it through and so will she.

I don't know how old your kids are, but when you feel out of control and ready to scream at them or your partner take another deep breath and then ask for a hug instead. It is OK to be afraid, but through the fear we can find new, unused strength to help us through. I know that sounds simplistic, but just taking the step of hugging instead of yelling is strenght! And, it is OK to cry, but maybe since you have kids at home you run a hot bath (or cold depending on your weather) and ask for 1/2 hour of no knocking on the door. Pop in a CD that energizes you, or relaxes you, your choice....and let the tears flow. When the 1/2 hour is up you climb out, dry off (tears too) and go out for another hug from each family memeber that is home (you hug back) and move on with your day. You will be stronger having taken control.

Then, have you mom do the same. Sit at her home and wait for her to get in and out of tub. Give her a big hug when she is finished. Share a cup of coffee or tea, talk about anything other than cancer! There, you have helped your mother deal...see how strong you really are?

Prayers to all your family.....good thoughts and positive energy your way.....we are here to help!

Cheryl

TracyM22

Thank you for your kind words Cheryl, I realise this must seem so trivial when so many of you brave ladies are going through or have been through what you have, I feel pathetic really.
I'll take your advice, and ask for hugs. Im not afraid to cry, I cry lots when Im alone.
Thanks again, my very best wishes to you and yours xxxx

jgrjunque

Tracy, nothing is trivial when you're dealing with the life of someone you love. Best of luck to you and your mom.

pumpkin05

Oh, Tracy....my heart goes out to you. My mom is feeling much of what your mom is. She's tough as nails, but I've never seen her this discouraged or sad...she's always been an upbeat, positive person, so it's hard to see her like this. It worries me so much. I find myself being short with my baby sister at times (don't have any kids, but she's like my own) and I'm in a total slump professionally.

I just wanted to tell you how much I empathize with you; you're not alone. I don't have many words of wisdom, except for come to bc.org often! I have read so many stories here that give me hope, and there are people here who are among the sweetest and most caring I have ever "met."

Take heart - you say you're not strong, but I can tell just by reading your post that you're stronger than you think. Hang in there, and we're always here if you need us.

TracyM22

Thanks ladies for your responses.

Mum is feeling a bit better now, the side effects on this round of chemo don't seem to be as bad as last time, AND her hair is starting to grow back! Don't know if thats normal or not on docetaxel, but its lifted her spirits a bit.

RE the lump getting bigger? She doesn't know, she says sometimes it feels bigger, sometimes it doesn't, so shes going to wait for her review in a couple of weeks, then if she doesn't bring it up, I will.

Thanks again everyone, I can't tell you all what it means to have a few words of comfort. I'm a very private person, as is mum, so I've told none of my friends about this, I've got nowhere else to vent.

I've so much admiration for you strong ladies on here, sending hugs and positive thoughts your way....

+++++++++++++

T. xx

crami2

Tracy, I ment to come check on you sooner, but I have been working! Trying to get life back to normal, what ever that is now. So glad my suggestion helped a little. It is so hard to go through this, for everyone in the family. My daughter and granddaughter lived next door (now back home) during this ordeal, and I know she went home and cried too. Tears are cleansing! Although always close, I will say we earned a new respect for each others "strength" and vulnerabilities. While only my hubby saw the night time tears and what ifs that we all feel, my daughter saw the fear I thought I was hiding so well....and we drew on each other.

Hugs to you and your family...good thoughts coming your way. Keep us updated.

normie45

Tracy, I read your post and recognised myself. My mum too is being so optimistic, next chemo will be halfway there etc and she is a strong, positive person but she too has her bad days when she feels really poorly. I just feel worried and scared all the time and yes, I too have been shouting at the kids - for being moody and miserable, without realising why. I am going to take Cheryl's advice and ask for a hug instead of getting angry.

I know what you mean about having nowhere else to vent, some of my friends are obviously very uncomfortable discussing these issues and I have noticed their distinct lack of contact lately. I have been throwing myself into my work and studying in the futile hope that I will be too busy to think, but to be honest, I think I am just exhausting myself.

Hoping and praying for you and your mun, and sending you both positive thoughts.

crami2

OK, you made my day...I am so glad I was able to give some advice that helped. It makes me feel stronger to think it helped you feel stronger. Good thoughts to both your families....and just to keep it in perspective, I am almost at my one year mark! It does go slowly at first, then seems to speed up at treatment gets going.

TracyM22

Thank you all very much for your kind words and positive thoughts. She has been to see her oncologist today and expressed her fears, and she's been told they will probably bring her surgery forward now, and forego the last round of chemo. Im so proud of how brave sh'e being.

Thanks again, positive thought and big fat hugs to all, T xx

Canadria

Read your orginal post. I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now with my mom. She has 4th stage of Breast Cancer. I only found out there was really something wrong with her a couple weeks before she found out she had breast cancer. It has been an up and down time for all of us. However, I am limited on the information I have. I have no idea how big the cancer, is. I just know it's in both breasts, a lung and maybe spots on another. I know she has chemo. I know she is on oxygen. But everything else I don't know. She tells us she feels fine, if only she could get the breathing issue out of the way. Today I called and she was gasping for air. "Do you have your oxygen in?" I asked her, adn through her gasps she said she always has it on. It sure didn't sound like it today. I am In GA, and she is in Canada. I put a call into the dr today. I wasn't going to and it was the last thing I wanted to do. However, I needed the dr to know my situation. I can't just drive 2 hours and I will be home. I can't just get on a plane in 2 hours to be home either. It took 8 hours the last time I flew home.

I don't think she realizes that she may be going through this battle herself. (they have told her there is no cure, they can only try to shrink the cancer, to operate. It will only give her time. That's it.) But she doesn't realize that loved ones are going through our own situations with all of this. I hate that she is going it alone. And she doesn't have to.

I never realized how much this effects not only the person going through it, but also the family members. I have a huge respect for all who have been effected by this whether personally or a family member.

I wish your mom and your family all the best during this time. If you ever need to talk, feel free. I have only found this site a couple days ago, but I can see there is a lot of experience on this website. Wish I had found it sooner

Thanks,