How to Prepare for the Hospital

MsMSV

Now, going to the hospital is never a fun to begin with,
but with these tips you should be able to prepare for your
stay, and minimize the discomfort when you get there.

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe
you with his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort".

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

9. Rub a bit of honey on your left buttock, drop your pants, go over to a wasps nest, bend over and shake it just a bit.

10. Make sure that there is no toilet paper in your bathroom, eat a bowl of cherries, and have your wife ignore you completely as you plead for here to come and bring you a roll of the paper gold.

11.Call up your local cable company and insist that they charge you a monthly fee every day of the week.

2up

omg.......nurse over here wildly trying to figure out how to send this link to my nurse friends!!!!!!!

Sandra1957

That's too funny!

Shel-Copy, cut and paste onto a new email.

lini

2up

okie doke, thanks

2up

bumping this in hopes that rachel see's it........and laughs as hard as i did!

PoohRN1962

LOL! Another nurse passing this on!

Jorf

That's great.

I told my husband yesterday that in order to emulate the hospital experience (since my doc told me to "rest at home just like you've been resting here") he should tie a string around my wrist and attach it to the lamp by the couch.

Julie