Finding it hard tonight

simon_ed

My wife had her Mastectomy yesterday. She's doing really well... up and walking today and looking amazingly well. Bright eyes and no bad pain.

She had a couple of emotional moments this evening... mostly to do with having to put everyone else through it all. She's still thinking of everyone else despite what she's going through.

Anyway. I think I've just crashed. I was Looking through some photo's of us on holiday with our little girl of 13 months. It was a month ago we went on holiday! A MONTH AGO! We were so happy and didn't have a clue what was about to happen to us and I just feel so completely destroyed now! Two hours ago I left her and I felt fine. Now I'm just a wreck. Maybe I shouldn't have started looking through photo's but I just wanted to print a couple off for her while she's in hospital because she misses us.

My beautiful wife, apart from the people she really wants around her, and cut to pieces. Half her chest cut out. I know it'll save her life and I DO feel grateful for that. I truly do understand. But I just feel so upset that she's been hurt so much by something so completely random. I want her and our old lives back... the lives we had just a fortnight ago.

I'm so glad we married and had our girl when we did! Will I get her back? or will she be so different? I'd like think that we'll be better off for having gone through the experience and out the other side. But for now I'm just so upset that this had to happen to such a wholly beautiful person and it makes me cry to think that she's been so badly hurt.

Her girl misses her... and so does her hubby.

Thanks for reading. maybe I'll feel better for having vented for a while. Goodnight. x

Sandra1957

Hi simon-ed,

Your post really touched me and brought tears to my eyes. My husband was sitting across the room and asked what was wrong. I had him come over and he read it also. We just went through bilateral mastectomies this past February, so we can totally relate. At first I felt so sad, then I got really angry that your family has to go through this, that any family has to go through this. I'm angry that we haven't figured out how to prevent this from happening to another woman and her family.

Let me just say that your wife is a lucky lady. I can tell just how much you truly love and care for her. I'm lucky also, I have a husband who feels the same way.

She will be different, but she'll be okay. You can't have something like this happen to you and remain the same. Our relationship is so much better now. We've been together since we were in 9th grade. We married after college and will celebrate our 27th in November. Through all these years there have been points where you just get into a relaxed mode. I don't want to say that we took things for granted, because I don't think either one of us ever has, but just got really comfortable. Well my cancer has really shaken things up. We are making time to be alone together and taking time to really, really connect. She may tell you her fears, just some, maybe not all. That's okay. I'm sure you won't tell her all of yours either. This has been an emotional rollercoaster. Usually I'm fine, but sometimes fear just hits me. It's amazing what a good cry in his arms will do.

Don't be afraid touch her. Just hold her and hug her. I needed validation that my womanhood was still intact immediately. 4 days after surgery to be exact. But it was at my initiation. Let me just say this part of our lives is better than before. Give her time but let her know that you are still very attracted to her. She'll need to know this.

One last thing, for now, I'm sure that I'll think of more. Keep laughing. A sense of humor is what has kept us going. We joke a lot about my flat chest. We catch each other checking out other women's breasts to see what size we want for my reconstruction. We just try to make as much fun out of a crappy situation as we can.

I wish you the best, prayers and healing.

Lini

stacey2930

Hi: Your wife is very lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband. Its going to be a rough road for a while. The shock of the diagnosis and the reality of whats she's gone through will set in. My husband read a book called "breast cancer husband" its written by a man whose wife was diagnosed with bc. Its a great book from a male point of view. Take care of yourself and your beautiful wife. You will be in my prayers. Remember we are all here for you! Hugs, Stacey

b445

First of all you are at the right place. The people on these boards are fantasic.
Second your wife is a lucky woman. They found it and took care of it and you will take care of her and your baby girl.
It really shows you care, you're being able to come to the boards and write down your feelings.
Sure some things will be different, but you will make the best of the new life you have with your wife and child.
Rember you have to take care of yourself in oder to take care of them.
Our prayers are with you and your family.

cowgirl

Simon,

Your feelings I am sure are very normal, being a survivor myself my DH never spoke those words to me. But I know most men feel the way you do. DH is a quiet guy when he is struggling emotionally, so I knew by his hovering he was scared to death.

Anyway all I can tell you is to vent often is helpful. This is a safe haven for people in pain. I encourage you to love her, and know she feels a deep sense of uncertainity too. Most survivors don't dwell on it, but we all feel it. So know she is more scared than she says, but honestly as a patient you have to focus on beating BC not your feelings. Talking about surviving was my last idea of a good time, I wan't to talk about silly stuff to keep my mind positive.

Hugs to you and her, I will add your family to my prayer list.

Curlylocks

Hi Simon-ed,

I have to say your wife is a lucky women to have such a wonderful and caring husband. My hubby stepped up to the plate just like you have and has also been there for me through the past nine months since diagnosis.

It truly is difficult being the co-survivor and caregiver and not knowing what your doing or saying is right or wrong.
I am 42 and was diagnosed with IDC, 4 cm tumour and 3 positive lymph nodes back in Oct 05. I can tell you that just being there for your wife and keeping the lines of communication open will help greatly. My husband has had a really hard time with my diagnosis, gotten angry that this has happened to us at such a young age and has openly cried in front of me when he was afraid of loosing me at the beginning. Nine months out of diagnosis he is still very protective of me and worries about how I am doing emotionally but our marriage of 7 years has gotten stronger due to my bc diagnosis.

I too looked back at pictures of my husband and I pre bc and cried as I know our lives wont ever be the same but different and much richer with a new appreciation of how precious life is. Your wife will still be your wife but changed emotionally as we all are due to being diagnosed with such a scary disease.

Breast cancer is not a death sentence, your wife will be okay. This journey is difficult emotionally and physically but with you supporting and just loving your wife you will get through this. Dont forget to take care of yourself as well, that's also important!

Big hugs to your wife and precious little baby too!

Michele Wenz

simon_ed

Thanks everyone, for your kind words and your support. I think I just wanted to express some feelings at that moment and it helped alot.

I feel better today and back to normal self again. It's good to have got it out of the system. I had a large Jim Beam and wallowed a bit. Hey presto, I woke up this morning with a light hangover but felt revived and ready for work.

Mrs Simon had a good day today in hospital. Her brother dropped in and stayed for ages and she's had several phone calls. When I spoke to her she was tired but sounded very upbeat. I'll go up there after I put the Miss Simon to bed and we can have a sit down together and share a moment.

If they remove the drain and the painkiller drip tonight, I'll take Miss Simon up to see her tomorrow and that will fill her heart with light again.

Lovely.

Speak soon,
Simon.

Sandra1957

I'm glad that you are doing better today. It does help to let those feelings out, and it's amazing what a little Jim Beam can cure.

cowgirl

Simon welcome to the rollercoaster ride known as Family with Cancer! It is a Bumpy ride at times, vent if you need to. Laugh and dance for joy when you can! We do it all here!

birdee

What an amazing gift you are to your wife! I wish you and the Simon family all the best...
Birdee

csp

Simon hugs to you and Mrs. Simon,
I am a family member my sis was dx'd last June.

just wanted to welcome you and your wife and tell
you you have come to a good place to help you both through
this rollercoaster as cowgirl said and that is what it is at times.
In you orginal post you talked about change and there is no way you both can come on the other side of this without change. I know I am and I know my sister and her husband have changed , but it has been some good changes in many ways.

hugs to you and your Dw (dear wife)

Carrie

Shemp

Hey Simon,

It's always a shock. My wife was diagnosed a few days after riding a bicycle ride called the "Tour de Health" and days after we watched Lance win Tour number 7. Who knew we'd be in his position days later? The good part is you do get her back. I'm happy to say my wife and I finished a bicycle ride that took us 425 miles over 11 days where we carried all of our gear with us. Is she 100%? No, at least not yet, but everyday is better and she did all this 6 months out of chemo and 3 months out of radiation. Heaven knows, 6 months ago you'd have never thought it possible, but she was so proud she could pull it off, and I was too. It's a rough road, but you three will make it. It seems like forever to get through everything, but for us, less than a year after diagnosis, she's doing the same things this summer that she was doing last year at this time. I know not everyone bounces back fast, but hope springs eternal, and there is plenty of inspiration to be found.

MargaretB

Simon, your wife is a lucky woman - you sound like a very compassionate man. My husband was there for me every step of the way. Things will never be the "same" - you will have a new "normal." Take care of your family and when you have some rough spots, we're here for you.

Margaret

DebraLynn

Simon,

Your love shows through. I cried reading your post. God bless you.

ladydi

Simon, let your Beautiful wife know that she is just as Beautiful now and forever. That will mean the most to her during this difficult time.

MIdb

Simon, we went through the mastectomy thing back in 2003. It is difficult to see my beautiful wife undergo the pain and misery of chemo, surgery, and radiation. And now that the bc is in her bones and lungs, it is even more difficult. But one thing I make sure she knows, without any question or reservation, is that I do truly and really LOVE her. I do believe that she is still quite beautiful, and I let her know that – often!

There have been a few adjustments. We’ve found that we both get better sleep, now that she has her own bedroom. With the cancer in her spine, she is very limited on what she can pick up and how far she can bend. So, now I’m in a position where I have to do a lot more than I used to. Regretfully, I must add that a lot of the stuff I could have and probably should have been doing from the start (such as changing brakes on the truck, or hitching up a cultivator to the John Deere “B”).

I have found that we have grown a lot closer, because I am much more in tune with her needs. I thought I was a good husband before (and Ruth would agree), but now…..A lot of husbands will do a lot more for the wife during the 9th month of pregnancy. It is similar to that, but much deeper. I want to do things for her. At the same time, though, there are things she still wants to do, and I step back and let her.

When she cries, I’ve found out that I am best not really saying a lot (historically that had gotten me in the most trouble – I have a tendency to say the wrong things). I usually just sit there and hold her, or stroke her hair. Flowers are nice, but time is much better. What I find is better still, is to not lose your humor. We still have lots of laughs, and special times. This past spring, we had a bunny nest behind our house. We kept an eye on the babies, until they left the nest.

We are still both in our 40’s, and know that unless something dramatic happens, I will probably be around in 30 years. Unfortunately, unless something dramatic happens, she will not. We just celebrated 14 years of marriage, and are living each day as though it is our first (well, emotionally at least). And if I have 14 more years (or 14 more minutes), then I’m going to make that time the best of her life!!!