breaking up and bc

melissafrost2428

i'm new to this forum and discussion boards and thought i'd write to see if there were others in a similar situation. i've been divorced for 5 years, started dating someone seriously about 2.5 years ago. things weren't easy, but i was committed. then about 3 months ago i was dx, and the issues that we were having became magnified. we talked about breaking up a few weeks ago, but i found myself thinking that the time wasn't right (as i'm sure a serious illness magnifies such troubles and i need his help), that there were things i could do differently, and that i would give this another chance. well, yesterday he told me again that he wasn't sure (about the 20th time he's done that), that he felt guilty about wanting to break up. darned if i don't feel like i want someone who really wants to be with me, so i told him that i deserved such a person and said that breaking up was probably best for me. i've read threads where women have said that their partners were supportive; has anyone been diagnosed and the relationship didn't last? how did you get through the emotional difficulties of bc and breaking up? any thoughts are welcomed!

thank you, and wishing you well,
melissa

susan_02143

Melissa,

This board is full of women who break up/divorce/separate after diagosis. As you say, the diagnosis can magnify the weaknesses in the relationship, or the other person could be just a jerk.

One friend of mine went to lunch after their 'team' meeting with all their doctors, and the jerk said "I'm out." And he was. After 27 years of marriage, he moved out that day. She had to take a taxi to her surgery!

Take care of yourself right now, and move forward in a way that works for you, be that with or without him.

Good luck,

*susan*

rue2u

Melissa,

I had been dating my boyfriend about 9 mos. when I was dx. He didn't even stick with me to find out the results of my biopsy--actually, I helped the breakup along because I could see he was scared and was using an on-line dating service. We broke up and were back together in about 5 weeks. I kept busy with my friends during the 5 weeks and even went out on a few dates but always missed him. He showed up on my doorstep one night and slowly came back into my life. He's been there for me ever since. I just had to know he was committed to this because I felt it was better going it alone (with family and friends) than trying to support and reassure him too. The breakup was the best thing that happened to us.

This damn disease is hard on us and can be a fuel for mixed emotions. But just wait because it does settle down.

Rue

Hattie

sorry, Melissa, about all you're dealing with. bc makes your relationship or breaks it. You do deserve better. You don't want someone who stays out of guilt. My friend had just gone thru a divorce when she needed a biopsy. She wondered who would help her get thru and realized it was the same people who got her thru her divorce.

Remember we're here. And look to others who have supported you in the past. It'd be nice to have a supportive partner, but we're kind of facing most of this ourselves anyway. Love and care for yourself, and there will be a better one coming your way.

take care,
--Hattie

cowgirl

So sorry you are facing both of these at the same time. The board has plenty of examples of relationships getting stronger and falling apart. While my worked, I have been in a bad car accident with a boyfriend dumping me(many moons ago) while I was in the hospital. At the time I thought it was awful, but it made me much stronger as a person. I was so determined to do well to prove him an idiot. So while it is not the same thing, I can tell you you are worth so much he doesn't deserve you! I will pray for wisdom for you!

dcrutche

I am almost one year out from the end of TAC and have seriously considered divorce several times. My husband of 13 years was wonderful at first, but has become less and less supportive over the past year. He seems to have no empathy at all. We are basically separated now, living on the same property, raising kids and paying bills together, but we really don't have a marriage. I am very lonely and have told him so several times in marriage counseling. Contemplating dating after bc is so scary. Divorce is less scary and sounds like a relief most of the time.

Shirlann

Hi honey, we had one guy on an AOL site that has to take the cake for this type of unreliability.

His wife, mother of his 3 year old triplets, (I say "his" because he wanted the in vitro), came home from the doctor's, told him she had breast cancer.  He turned around without a word, went upstairs, packed and left without a word.

That jackass is beyond anyone I have ever heard of.

God bless all of you with less than supportive men in your lives.  But do remember that they are truly "cavemen".  In the cavemen era, which they never get out of, the man was responsible to protect his woman and their kids from ALL dangers.  So, when they are faced with this cancer, that they can't fix, instead of being kind, they feel threatened.  They feel inadequate and they feel like failures.  They run.

Sighhh, Men, hugs, Shirlann