TIS THE SEASON-- SWIMSUIT TIME

Helen1

'Tis the Season - Swimsuit Time

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and
humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the
1950's, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was
designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and
reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold
back and uplift and they did a damn good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure chipped from marble.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity
department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking
like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander
around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible
choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength
of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you are protected from shark attacks.

The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing
midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the
bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped
in horror - my bosom had disappeared. Eventually I found one bosom
cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other.
At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her
chest like a speed hump. I re-aligned my speed hump and lurched
toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment.

The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play
dough wearing undersize cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all
those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her
head through the curtains "Oh,they are YOU!" she said, admiring the
bathers.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize
napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day. I tried a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a
bright pink pair with such a high-cut leg I thought I would have to wax
my eyebrows to wear them. Finally I found a costume that fit...a
two-piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was
cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home,
I read the label which said 'Material may become transparent in water",
but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to
learn to breaststroke in the sand.

trixiegram

Oh Thank You!

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I tend to be one of those who gets a visual when resading a well told story. It was already funny but even more so because I ( and bet I'm not alone ) have pretty much lived the described scenario. Of course, at the time it didn't seem so hilarious. I go in wanting to look like this -
-

but somehow always end up with this reflected back in the mirror -
You always brighten my day - thanks.

Niki

Chiahead

I once tried on a bright yellow suit with brown flecks. It looked cute on the hanger but when I looked in the mirror I burst out laughing. I looked like an over ripe banana!

ravdeb

OMG this is FUNNY!!!! I can so relate to THIS!!!!

Thanks for making me laugh!!!
ravdeb

kats

Nikki,

We must be looking in the same mirror...



My Hopeful Expectation:







and then the Realization:

iodine

Oh, I loved this.
NOthing worse than trying to buy a bra or a bathing suit!!

Anonymous

OMG! Today I REALLY needed a laugh - can't believe this made me ready to go out and buy a suit!

Catherine

You guys crack me up! I can so relate to this. I always buy the "old lady" one piece suits with the little skirts. You are right that the suits are designed for teenagers who are probably a size 2 at most. Too funny!

Catherine

Anonymous

Oy Vey! Tis the "season"...normally I would love and buy several of these "things" as we had a pool, or going to the beach or splashing and kicking in the backyard in a kids little pool!

Past 2 years I have not even dared or double dared myself to wear shorts, let alone a bathing suit! Oh lordy NO! Never...kind of like the tatoo I had put on my R back hip back in the 70's "yes HIGH on the hip" to show off, as I wanted to flaunt it.. NOW, oh heck gravity set in and lordy be the dang thing went south somewhere or another!

Oh I thank G*d the capri or peddle pushers came back in style! That is about as risque as this ole gal can get..

Oh yea, I forgot I had quite a few of those wrap things, yea, kind of like a big piece of material.. oh they were so good to wear around house, yard or a cover up after bath etc.. Well last summer I got mine out as I have a few, that I love.. well low and behold, now with NO boobs Ive got to be able to wear it like a guy! As it automatically slips down to waiste! Too funny, even a towel wrapped around me does NOT do the trick! And when nobody is around except DH, I just wear it around my waist while doing the after bath stuff...Thank G*d for my hips! Always had a hard time with tying those things anyway!

ravdeb

oh Ter...that is tooooooooo funny. Glad you can laugh over that!
I only get as risque as the capri (still think they should call them pedal pushers!). And to think I wore a bikini in high school!!!!

ravdeb

Anonymous

OMG! Too Too Funny !

biondi

THANK YOU HELEN -LAUGHED TILL I CRIED ON THIS ONE!! I'M GOING TO FIND A SUIT LIKE YOU HAVE, AS MINE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A BAG FULL OF DOORKNOBS!

trixiegram

Mary,

I like your hippo much better than mine. Maybe if I looked even that good, I'd be happy.

Niki