Mother just diagnosed, advice?

gph87

I'm 19, away at college. My mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer and is going for surgery in about a week. I'm going home in a few days. What should I do to help? Should I help distract her? Keep up the idea that it will be fine because it was found early? Any ideas or links/books that could help?
Also, my father generally doesnt express his emotions all that well, and this is going to be tough for him to, any ideas that could help me help him?

Its all pretty sudden and I really dont know what to do, so some direction is much appreciated.

Thanks,
Grant

Anonymous

Hi gph. Sorry to hear about your mom. There really is so very much you can do to help mom.

I think you need to offer her an opening to talk about how she feels. She will either be ready or she wont knowing you can handle talking about it if she wants to will be important to her. Sometimes it takes a little time and distance to be able to talk about it. You are very young and mom "might" go into protective mode with you. You will just have to feel things out.

You didnt say what kind of surgery it would be but both lumpectomys and mastectomys are disfuguring and take some time to deal with.

If your mom had axillia node disection she will be limited as to the use of her arm. But while she should not rush things too much, if she has been independent and done things then you might just help he with a few things.

Good luck to you and your family.

csp

Hi Grant,
A very good book you could get for Mom is called
Dr. Susan Loves Breast Book.
That and just being there, tell her you love her and are there for her, She may not want to burden you. A good book for men is The Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver
(Thanks Greg)

At this early stage not alot said takes away the fear of having BC it is a scary thing although early detection is a good thing they are just dazed and in a state of disbelief. Having her feelings validated with encouragement
that she can do this, and you are there for her is always good.
I am sorry you all are going through this, send
Mom here, this is wonderful site for support and information for patient and family members.

Hugs,
Carrie

cowgirl

It sounds like she has wonderful support already! I too would recommend the Breast book. A lot of men are non emotional, but as a wife you know how they feel. My Hubby slept a lot, and would not leave my side! It drove me nuts, but then again I knew he cared. I will be praying for your family!

mommy2baz

Adding prayers for you and your family.

I was 17 when my Mom was dx'd and a junior in HS. It was scary, but we got through it. I just tried to do any and everything that I could to help around the house, and help with my brother and sister (who were 11 and 9 at the time). My Mom had a great support group around her, who helped while she was going through the chemo, which was great.

Just be there to help physically, and to listen if she needs to talk. And don't forget yourself or the rest of your family. Be there if your Dad needs to talk, and if YOU need someone to lean on, then do that too. Cancer takes its toll on everyone in the family, so make sure you take care of yourself too!

(((HUGS)))

Shemp

I'd say let your dad manage it and buy him the book referred to above. Then just offer to do extra work around the house she'd normally do. Staying encouraging and reassuring is always good, and when you go back to school, keep in touch regularly.

Just a tip, but you may want to be there as much for your dad as for your mom. Your Dad's going to struggle dealing with this, so just asking him if he's doing okay helps. I know I appreciated when people asked, even if they were more or less just saying it to be nice. A little empathy, like telling him I know this must be tough is also nice to hear.

Good luck to your family, I hope the treatment process goes as well as it can for all of you.

didda566

I am in the same boat. It hurts so much to see Mom hurting, but not be able to do anything. I feel so useless.
Instead of crying in front of my Mom, I smile. The tears my husband brushes away when I am home. She needs my support and my knowledge that she is stronger than Breast Cancer.
I won't show fear, anger or weakness in front of her. She needs sunshine and that is what I give her.
Somedays,our phone calls aren't even about treatment. They are funny stories about my students in my grade seven homeroom. If laughter is the best medicine, I intend to give her all I have.
Good luck and stay strong.

TxDaughter

I'm sort of in the same situation in that my mother was just diagnosed (or at least just told me and my 3 siblings) on Easter. All 4 of us have moved away from home now so I am really worried that my mom doesn't have the support she is going to need. Right now she has a wonderfully positive attitude but I am afraid that she is just putting on an act in order to "protect" us and that she is not really letting us know how she really feels. I am really considering leaving school and moving back home so she has someone close. Would that just make her more stressed or would it help to have someone home? Does anyone have any thoughts on how to be a "long distance" supporter for my siblings and I?

blulrich

I am in a similar situation. I am in school full-time, but I also have a family of my own (boys, 6 & 7). My mom and dad live in SE TX, my family in MO, my oldest brother in NW TX, and the other brother in NM. My dad changed positions at work so he wouldn't be traveling as much, so he's with her, but none of the "kids" are.

I completely understand the pull to run home and take care of mom -- believe me. Before dad changed positions, I even asked my mom if that would be helpful. She said absolutely not. It would stress her more if I quit school than for her to be "alone."

As for support, I call almost everyday and sometime several times a day. I tell her what's going on in my life (kids and all) and try to make her laugh. I ask her how she's doing, feeling, and how she's handling it all. She tells me some, but not all. After all, she's still mom. I listen to her every word and try not to keep her on the phone when she's tired. I email a lot too. I sent her a DVD copy of one of her favorite movies a while back when she was in the midst of a couple of surgeries so she would have somehting to do. I about railroaded my dad into getting broadband internet so he could work from home more. I tried to think of any and everything I could do to make her life easier and more normal during her treatments and surgeries (she starts rads next week). That's all I can do. That's all she really wants from me.

As for dad, I talk to him about my feelings and then listen when he talks about his. It's like he needs someone else to say the words first before he can admit to having the feelings himself. But, that's my dad. Your dad may not be like that. Do what you can to reassure him you'll be there for him no matter what. Send him a card or email and make him laugh, too.

Hope this helps.

susan_02143

Dear Txdaughter,

Your love of your mother just pours through your posting, and I know that your mother feels it too.

Let me give you a few thoughts from the other side. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June, one week before my daughter's high school graduation. I was 46, and my daughter was 19. I did't share my dx with her [or my Mom]until after the graduation since I wanted them to have that day of total joy.

I then delayed my first day of chemo until after I could take her to college. Yes, I wanted to hide the worst parts of treatment from her. She came home several times though, and got a taste of what was going on. But, in my opinion, her job was to do well at school, and I did everything I could to make that possible.

If my daughter had even considered delaying or dropping out of school, I would have be furious! If she had stayed home instead of going to college the way 19 year olds should, the cancer would have won! And I do not want to give this disease that power.

If, in the future, my prognosis changes, then I would consider other possibilities in a conversation with my daughter.

I have a supportive group of friends and a wonderful husband, who rallied forth to help me through treatment. Several of my friends talked with my daughter on a regular basis, which helped her feel loved and included.

Supporting your mother from far away isn't hard. Call on days that you think she is feeling well, or send emails that she can respond to when she has the energy. Send cards in the mail, schedule a visit home during her chemo off-week. Do well in school, and let her into your daily life.

What she wants is for you to be happy and to be the best you, you can be.

Sorry to be so long-winded..... and best of luck as you find the path through this very hard time.

*susan*