Help! I feel like I'm at the end of my rope!

samon · July 2008

I guess I should start with my history and then get to my questions. I had a hard time getting pregnant and suffered from infertility. The doctors said I didn't ovulate and they didn't know why. We gave up on having a child and two years later I got pregnant and was blessed with a beautiful boy. I was mid thirtys by then. Things were going fine and a few years later I was dx with ulcerative colitis (an autoimmune disease) that required me to take meds the rest of my life and have those fun colonoscopys annually seven years after my dx. I thought trying for another child was out, but the doctor said it was ok as long as the uc was under control and I was not having a flare. If I had a flare during pregnancy they said it would be near to impossible to get rid of. We did end up getting pregnant again and ad age 39 I had another healthy boy. My hubby was then 45 and during my pregnancy when my hormones were out of wack I agreed that I would have my tubes tied because my pregnancy was very hard emotionally and physically (I was having anxiety during the pregnancy) and my hubby was concerned about his and my advanced age and that birth defects increase after you hit 35 and more so at 40. Then when I was 40 I went in to have a mammogram (my choice since I knew you should start them at 40) and I was dx with DCIS and it was multicentric high grade comedo. Nuclear grade 3/3. Cribriform, solid. Necrosis, absent. I had bilat mastectomy (other brease was my choice to remove). I believe the doctor said it was ER/PR positive.

Now it's three years later and I wake up at 4 am with all these same worries and regrets all over again. My husband is so sick of hearing the same things and seeing me cry over the same issues and frankly, so am I. I don't know why I can't let things in the past go. My hubby thinks I should just forget about that past and snap my fingers and that is what will happen.

My anxietys always center around the fact that I really wanted a girl to add to our family (no...neither one of of will consider adoption at this time). My mom and my grandma had two boys and then a girl and, of course, my childhood dream was that I would follow in their footsteps. Well, I made it 2/3 of the way and quit. I would never want to change the fact that I had two boys. I just wanted to add a girl to our family. I wonder if I jumped the gun with having my tubes tied. I do know that if I would have been actively trying to get pregnant at age 40, I would have never gone in for the mamogram. I would have always been wondering if this would be the month that I would get pregnant and now want to have any tests done at that time. That could have gone on for a few years. I also would have been worried about the increased risk of birth defects. But every time I read an article or hear of someone over 40 having a perfectly healthy baby I feel like I gave up too soon. I love my boys with all my heart. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I was just wanting to ad a girl to the mix.

I think I wanted the girl more for me than anything. I have a close relationship with my mom. We talk almost every day. Our relationship might be so close because my dad died when I was in Jr. High school and my mom and I got really close after that. I also have no sisters to share things with and a grieve for the bond I could have with a daughter. My boys are great, but I can already see them getting closer to their dad doing boy things and not sharing as much with me anymore. I think about the future and when they get married and the chance that they would rather be spending holidays with their wives families then with us.

I'm just looking for some support and wondering if others would have quit trying to have children like I did. I sometimes feel like I make all my decisions based on fear and not what I really want. Deep down, I know my boys love me and will always be a part of my life. I'm just afraid of them growing up and not being close to me anymore. I know I should go in for counseling, but I don't want to take any more meds. I tried antidepressants once and they made me so much worse that I'm afraid to try again. My hubby isn't supportive of just talk counseling. He thinks I should just be able to get these ideas out of my head myself. I think I also feel bad that I had my tubes tied and didn't just trust God to do what was best for us. I just feel like such a mess and need some support.

magsandmattsmom · July 2008

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) Huge huge ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I know, to some part, how you feel. I know what it's like to want and want that other baby and to question the decisions you've made, and I'm sorry I have to real advice. Only to tell you that you aren't alone.

My only advice would be to ask if you've thought about seeing someone for some help. Finding the right professional to talk with coudl really help. Husbands are great but they are too emotionally involved. Having an inpartial 3rd party to talk with could really help. Just a thought. Trust me tho - I know how hard it can be to take that step.

We're hear for you!

BMac · July 2008

Dear Samon, I know how it feels to long for a child. I have three, two boys followed by a daughter at 39. I know how blessed I am. If you already have two of the same sex, the stats are 67% chance that the third will be the same, so chances are you would have had another boy. I'm the same as you, love my boys to death. I know a girl is different.

Had you tried to get pregnant at 40 you wouldn't have had your mammo and could have missed the cancer and might not have been around to see your lovely children grow up. Like you said there's a higher risk of birth defects after 40 and lower chance of getting pregnant.

I don't mean to sound clinical, I'm just trying to let you know that the fact that you don't need to beat yourself up for not pursuing another pregnancy. There's no guarantee that you would have had a girl.

I agree with Jill that finding someone to talk to is the best course. You probably have issues around your cancer as well which is muddying the waters. Good luck to you.

samon · July 2008

Barbara, don't worry about sounding clinical. Maybe I need to hear some of that. I just hear of so many people that have two boys and then a girl or two girls and then a boy that I feel I missed my chance by not even trying. My hubby pointed out that he read that older days often father boys too so with his age (45) odds were in favor of a boy too. And yes, I would not have went in for a mammo if I would have been trying to have a baby. Although there is that great debate about DCIS and if it is a pre cancer or cancer. I just loooove hearing that one. But it does make me think if it would have mattered if I would have first found it two years later.

I have been trying to convince my hubby that I need some talk therapy. I hope that alone would help because I'm just so afraid of meds again.

I think was really bothers me is whether I was wrong in not even trying to have a third. Given my history with colitis and my age, at the time I though it was the right decision, but now I regret it. I see so many people over 40 having kids.

I also have a "friend" that his three girls and takes great pleasure in pointing out things about having girls that are so great or she makes comments that I have it so easy because I don't have as much work getting boys dressed and matching their close and doing their hair or dealing with their moods etc. I can't get away from this person becasue our kids go to school together and we are in a carpool together and if I pull out I will make several people angry.

roseg · July 2008

I think I would have quit trying like you did. First and foremost your obligation is to the husband and children that you've already brought into the world. The whole pregnancy thing was stressful for you and risky given your health.

To put the miracles you've already got at risk for one that is a desire but not a reality is understandable. You can certainly grieve for what didn't happen, but don't let it ruin the goodness that is there already.

That said, quit with convincing your husband you need talk therapy and tell him that you are going for it! You do not need his permission.

Call you health plan and get the name of someone on their list. You've had these issues awhile and they are not going to go away without some treatment.

Iza · July 2008

Well, tubal ligation can sometimes be reversed; and even if it can't, you can always have an in-vitro fertilization (and I am talking your own eggs here). I once asked an OB/GYN this question (can a woman become pregnant if she changes her mind after a tubal ligation?) and the answer was: It wouldn't be easy or cheap, but it can be done.

So, just so you know, this may be something to discuss with your OB/GYN.

Iza

Anonymous · July 2008

Samon, what can I say. I had three brothers and didn't care if I ever had a boy. God blessed us with three girls. I wanted girls and was not disappointed. However, even though my dh never said he wanted a boy..just a healthy baby..I'm sure he missed having a son. My girls are great. However, I think about it sometimes and think...I wished I had a son. I wonder what it's like to have a son?

Two of my dds are married. Their husbands are very involved with both families. They try to be fair with their time. So, not all boys will "stray" away from Mom. The best advice I can give you, and this includes having girls, is not to put a lot of pressure on them as they become young adults. Even with girls we moms must do that. My dd who lives near her mother-in-law sees her more regularly. My grandkids see her more often than me. But, it doesn't bother me. It's okay. I'm not competing with the mother-in-law's time. I am me, and I know my little grandkids love me.

I love having a grandson since I never had my own son. They are different and fun. I hope you can find some peace. See someone to talk through these issues would be a great idea. I don't know how many antidepressants you tried, but some work differently than others.

As a woman I believe I understand what you are feeling. Mom's can do things with boys that Dad's do. I don't know what ages your sons are. Be involved with them as much as you can.

((((hugs)))

Shirley

iodine · July 2008

My dh thought talk therapy was a bunch of bunk. I didn't want it on my ins bacause he might find out, so I started making out grocery cks for larger amounts than the groceries and paying for counseling that way. It took me a year to finally tell him what I was doing, and I got better, by the way.

I saw a counselor once a week for 6 mos. and then every other week for 6 mos. I kept going even after I felt better because I wanted to learn some other tools to handle problems I had that were left over after the major ones were solved.

If you had diabetes, you would see a doctor on a regular basis and do daily meds and blood sugars. You have a problem that is wearing you out. Your husband can do nothing to make it better and you have already tried. You may not be depressed, but you do have something you would like to have tools to help you address the concerns you have. You can learn why this bothers you so much, but it will take a little time and some hard work. Yes, hard work. Mental, not physical.

Please, please, find a good counselor. I recommend a psychologist or clinical social worker, not a psychiatrist (you're not mentally ill, you just need some counseling).

Just because your husband is not supportive, I've been there and done that----I just refused to discuss it with him. I later came to the conclusion that he was worried that I was talking about him and discussing him at my appointments---I did some, but it was truly about ME. For the first time I was doing something for ME, that I needed, not anyone else, and by God I was worth it.

So are YOU.

ginger2345 · July 2008

Samon,

I read your first post and identified completely your feelings at your age with my 2 boys. The difference is I never wanted a girl after the 2 boys. But I still had those feelings of eventual loss of closeness, etc. My husband brought me out of my funk by saying would you rather not have had them at all? Of course not.

I missed out on the girly things, but, low and behold, I had nieces!!! And I'm extremely close to my 2 boys. You may not be out playing ball with them or fishing, but is there a hobby you can pursue with them or maybe read the same book they're reading once in a while? Stay tuned in to school happenings and coursework. I don't think closeness to children is defined by their gender, but by the relationship itself. Think more on the wonderful children you have than the possibilty of a child that might never have been even if you had pursued it.

I think you were wise to have your tubes tied considering your health issues. I hope a counselor can help you talk through your feelings. You will move beyond this low time and a little help seems like what you need.

Binney4 · July 2008

samon,

You sound like guilt is an issue for you. Like you're questioning whether you were justified in choosing not to bear another child. You mention God, and wonder if perhaps you didn't trust him enough. I don't see you as guilty myself, but if that's an issue for you, why not ask for forgiveness? What point would there even be in trusting a God who couldn't forgive and comfort you now? Rather than run from his supposed disapproval, why not turn to him? Like you, I'm wary of drugs, and I'm not sure even a counsellor could reassure you if what you're really after is God's forgiveness and reassurance. If his opinion truly matters to you, then trust him now. Worth a try, anyhow.

Hugs! Prayers, even,

Binney

LuAnnH · July 2008

A girl will not guarantee you a close relationship with that child. They are all so different and change daily, what a child is like young is not necessarily what they will be like as they grow up. I have 4 children, 1 girl, 3 boys and thought that my daughter would probably be the only one to be at my house for holidays and the boys would be with their wives families. My oldest son is married with 2 children (of course, more boys....) and she lives with me while he is in Iraq. She is very close with me and our family and it will be our house that they stay. She is like a daughter to me as if I gave birth to her. I was the only girl growing up with 4 brothers and swore I never wanted a boy and what do I have but a bunch of boys. My son starts his family and 2 more boys.....whats up with this???? Anyway, I would take what you have and find a way to be happy, get some counseling to work it out if you need to. Being ER/PR pos messing with those hormones and a pregnancy could kick your cancer back in gear and you don't want that.

Funny we all want things we just can't seem to have but I am sure you will make peace with it. If you really need to have a girl to love why not try mentoring (big sister program). There are lots of wonderful kids out there that just need a good role model to love and help them out of circumstances. That could go far in the long run.

Help! I feel like I'm at the end of my rope!

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