So 5 years ago today . . . . . . . .

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magsandmattsmom
magsandmattsmom Member Posts: 424
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

I was dx.  Yup today is my 5 year cancerversary.  How do I feel about this?  Mostly fantastic.  I made that 5 year mark.  That magical 5 year mark.  But this small part of me hates today.  Part of me wants to be up in bed, covers over my head saying go away!  This part of me is afraid that cancer will go "hey it's been 5 years?! Oh time to pay you a visit!"  I'm not in bed.  Sammy got up early but then fell asleep back in my arms.  Really what could be better than that today!

5 year uh?  Somwhere in these 5 years the tape stopped playing.  You know the one, the one that repeated over and over and over in the back of my mind "you have cancer" every second of the day.  That's gone now.  In these 5 years I watched Maggie and Matthew grow up.  Maggie is now a 9 year old and a 4th grader!  And my baby at the time Matthew is now an independent 1st grade.  Then there's the baby I never thought I'd have - Sammy.  I've got to see him go from a helpless infant to a strong one year old.  In these 5 years my sister has fallen in love and is getting married. My heart decided to be a pain. I've had several scans.  A new house and now going back to school for a new license. I've moved on.

BUT - (isn't there always one) I still fear it on days.  A friend of mine tells me to stop dwelling on the past.  I don't dwell but it's there.  You ladies get this.  On days it will hit that this beast could come back.  When that happens I acknowledge but then move on.  But 5 years later I am still dealing.  Not daily or weekly but still dealing.  I'm still mad that I had to deal with this and that I can't EVER just say it's 100% gone!  And frustrating that no one besides my Sisters gets it.  We all move all.  We all keep living and planning and smiling and laughing and crying.  We all keep surviving.  I guess after 5 years I live and keep living.  I'm not wasting the time I have.  Regardless of how long that is - 5, 10, 60 more years - it's still to short when i've got babies to raise!

So today it's been 5 years.  I acknowledge it.  I'll drink with my friends today.  I'll laugh with my kids.  And I'll say to cancer "HA! I won you didn't. Now get out of my way I've got a life to live".

Thanks for reading my rambles.  I know here you'd all get it and allow me do just let thoughts out.

Thanks ladies!!!!!!!!!!

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  • magsandmattsmom
    magsandmattsmom Member Posts: 424
    edited July 2008

    Here are my 3 babies now

    026.jpg picture by pfablessing

    and here's the whole family

    0719081631a.jpg picture by pfablessing

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  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited July 2008

    Great Pictures!

    Congratulations!   your post made me cry.  I am so happy for you.  But can feel your emotions.

    I have a long way to go to get to 5 years...

    Have a great day, Even if you spend it laying around & just relaxing.

    Pam

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  • samon
    samon Member Posts: 100
    edited July 2008

    Congrats on 5 years.  It is a major milestone.  I think for all of us this will be in the back of our minds forever.   Don't you just hate those "friends" that tell us not to dwell on the past.  They don't get it.  The past is part of our future.  It's easy for those that have never had this or other health problems to make comments like that. 

     I glad you are at your five year mark and wish you many more happy years to come.

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  • KKing
    KKing Member Posts: 425
    edited July 2008

    Congratulations... and you're family is beautiful.     I am newly diagnosed so I can't evern imagine the 5 year mark.    It is so great to see that there is so much hope and that you are letting us know that.       Enjoy

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  • LUVmy2girlZ
    LUVmy2girlZ Member Posts: 2,394
    edited July 2008

    Jill ~

    Congratulations!!  Your post said what every woman pretty much feels day to day...know one really knows until your in those shoes...and yes, enjoy your life...live your life, don't let cancer take that away too...but (yes, those darn buts! lol) it will be forever etched in our minds never fully erased.

    So for now...enjoy those precious blessing and hold them a little longer...today is YOUR day...Celebrate....LIFE!

    Much LUV

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  • NaughtybyNature
    NaughtybyNature Member Posts: 1,448
    edited July 2008

    Hi Jill: 1,005 CONGRATS... can't believe it's almost five years that we know each other; can't wait to join you w/ my 5th anniversary this coming 9/5!

    Glad to see that you kept your original screen name.

    Your new addition to your family is absolutely gorgeous.

    You are the poster girl for "all is possible after BC"; please keep on showing all the "new" girls, that unfortunately join us, that there is hope after BC.

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Always me,

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  • Harley44
    Harley44 Member Posts: 5,446
    edited July 2008

    CONGRATULATIONS!!  It has been  1 year 4 months and 1 week since my bc dx, on 3/15/07... the day of my biopsy. 

    It is encouraging for me to read that it does get better!  I am still so scared at every pain, and get worried about EVERY new health condition that pops up.  I've been told that it will lessen over time. 

    Enjoy your babies!  They are so very precious!  and beautiful!

    HUGS
    Harley

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  • jdg1
    jdg1 Member Posts: 608
    edited July 2008

    Congratulations!!!  It is great to hear how well you are doing.  Your family is beautiful.  You are right go and drink with your friends and laugh with your kids.  I have been feeling pretty blue these days and wondering if every ache and pain is Cancer returning to my body.  Can't help myself.  It has only been 1 year and 2 months since my biopsy. 

    We all have are good days and we have our bad.  But am so glad to hear your story of hope.

    June

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  • BethNY
    BethNY Member Posts: 2,710
    edited July 2008

    Jill congratulations on this AWESOME milestone... here's to so many more!!!

    and the family is just gorgeous!

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  • Member_of_the_Club
    Member_of_the_Club Member Posts: 3,646
    edited July 2008

    Yay!  Hey, why don't you post in the "just diagnosed" section?  Those are the women who would really get encouragement from your milestone.  And you would feel good getting their feedback.  I think it helps to look back on that terrible day and remember how daunting five years felt back then, to really appreciate how far you have come.

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  • sam408
    sam408 Member Posts: 1,099
    edited July 2008

    Jill -- Congrats on the milestone! It's been 17 months since my dx and I'm currently recovering from mast & recon, so it's good to see someone hit a milestone and be able to not think about bc everyday. Like you said, it'll always be there, but I'm looking forward to when it's just not there everyday and you've given me hope towards that end.

    You've got a beautiful family. Enjoy every minute of them!

    (((Big Hugs)))

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  • zschweeb
    zschweeb Member Posts: 160
    edited July 2008

    congratulations....cant wait til its my turn for my friends to keep bugging me asbout dwelling i have a few things i can think of to tell them ...how does that walk a mile in my shoes quote go??? your children are beautiful...what a lovely family ...what wonderful  milestones have passe for you in the past 5 years heres to many more....

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited July 2008

    Hey, Miss Jill, you wrote a meaningful piece up above and it hits home to all of us---and I'm over 5 years out and feel as you do.,   My dh finally "got it" after his 2 cancer dx's.  and you are right, no one else does. 

    Hugs, Kiddo!  Welcome to the "Big Nickel"  heading for the HUGE DIME!

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  • Lisa1965
    Lisa1965 Member Posts: 171
    edited July 2008

    Dear Jill,

    Only success stories like yours can inspire women like myself who are just beginning the treatment phase.  Congratulations!  I'm starting chemo on July 31st after partial left mast on June 16th past.  

    I have so many loving family & friends telling me "so many women go through this and they get through it", they have so many stories of a neighbor, another friend, a co-worker...that have gone through this journey, but all I can think about is the probability of my own recurrence...I feel that nobody actual sees this as actual cancer...because it can be taken away with breast partial mast or mast or whatever...I feel like everybody is like "get over it already" and I haven't even begun treatment yet??...so I know how your feeling and what you are thinking.  My body has generated cancer once and what is to say it won't again after all this is over...How do we move forward without always having this sickness in the back of our mind...how can we have peace of mind?

    I wish you all the happiness in the world and continued good health.  I think I need a drink now after that venting...!

    xoLisa

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  • ICanDoThis
    ICanDoThis Member Posts: 1,473
    edited July 2008

    Yeah, Jill!

     Thank you for sharing your journey with us - it gives us all hope.

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  • nosurrender
    nosurrender Member Posts: 2,019
    edited July 2008

    Jill! Happy Anniversary with NED!

    You have always been such an awesome inspiration for all of us here-

    Your family is wonderful.

    Here is to 55 more!

    Love,

    g 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Oh Jill, your post is beautiful! I agree with the poster who suggested that you copy it over to "Just Diagnosed." I know when I was over there, I wouldn't allow myself to read on "Moving Beyond" because I thought it would jinx me. There just may be others who feel the same way and would be so inspired and encouraged by your post from "beyond."

    And Jill, mi chica....CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love ya,

    Marin

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  • pinoideae
    pinoideae Member Posts: 1,271
    edited July 2008

    That is just awesome news Jill!  YOU GO GIRL!  And by the way, your family rocks!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    (((Jill)))

    These are the posts I LOVE to read.  Congratulations on your 5 year mark and your LOVELY family!  Here's to another 5 years and another and another....

    Peggy 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2008

    Marin-

    What a great idea!  We should have a pinned "success story" thread in the Just Diagnosed area.   I know when I was first dx'd I was convinced that it was all over for me, and that would have helped!

    Peggy 

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  • nowheregirl
    nowheregirl Member Posts: 894
    edited July 2008

    Way to go Jill! You are such a great inspiration to many of us. You keep showing what cancer can't take away from us. And how adorable all your kids are! Just looking at the pix of your family makes me smile. Oh and by the way, your DH looks...... yummy. Tongue out

    xo

    Fumi

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  • WhiteRockGirl
    WhiteRockGirl Member Posts: 41
    edited July 2008

    Jill

    Wow, so many good things have happened to you in the 5 years since your diagnosis! Your family is beautiful .

    It is good to step back and take an assessment of where you are and where you were 5 years ago when first diagnosed. Life will never be the same, but it can still be quite wonderful. I am also nearly 5 years out. There are days I barely even think about breast cancer. I never thought I would reach that point, but it does happen!  In the way back of your mind, you always reserve a little spot of "worry" about a reoccurrence. But for the most part, you can get on with life. You have done so much in 5 years. Good luck with your new career.

    May you have 5 times 5 times 5 (and on and on!) more years of a wonderful life. 

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