Leading with others

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patiche
patiche Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Young With Breast Cancer

How do you deel with the pain that you can see in eyes of the people that love you?  For once i can't forget the look of pain in my parents eyes when she found out i was ill.

The red eyes in my friends faces, even when they try to hide it. Didn't you ever feelt  felt guilty?

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  • BethNY
    BethNY Member Posts: 2,710
    edited July 2008

    I don't know if I ever felt guilt- but I definitely felt a variety of emotions. 

    There were certainly times that I thought it was easier to be the one who was sick- then to be in my parents or siblings place.  I just think- what if it was my sister, or one of my brothers that got cancer-- it would tear me apart. The thought of one of them being sick, or losing one of them is something I cannot fathom.,

    The flip side, is that sometimes, I was down right angry that they could get upset in front of me.  On my angry days, I was screaming inside myself... how dare they cry? This wasn't happening to them. It was happening to me. They weren't losing their breasts, or their hair, or their identity.  I was mad that I had to cry in the shower, or alone under my covers in bed at night, b/c I didn't want them to know that on the inside I wasn't okay.  That I was scared shitless some nights. And I didn't want to put that on them.  Sometimes I just wanted to say, I'm sick and tired of having to be strong for all you people. I'm the one that's sick here!

    But of course, I never said it.  Instead, I came here, to talk to my other sisters.  The ones that just understand.

    And, I didn't feel like this all the time.  I think there are so many emotions that go along with this journey.

    I know my friends and family would have moved mountains to make me better.  But we both knew they couldn't. And they are human.  And there's no handbook for how to act when someone you love gets cancer. 

    But guilt, shouldn't be something you carry on your shoulders. Part of having friends and family, is so you don't carry the weight of the world all by yourself.  You would do the same for any of them... in a heartbeat, I'm sure.

    So, please-- don't feel guilty.  Feel blessed that so many people love and care for you.

    Know that there are a lot of people out there that are pulling for you to be healthy and live a long life.

    Finally, as my journey progressed, I gave my family permission to break down, as long as they knew there would times that I would break down too.  But those were just moments.  And we wiped away the tears, put on our big girl panties- and knew that tomorrow would be a new day, full of promise, and hope.

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  • nash
    nash Member Posts: 2,600
    edited July 2008

    I've never felt guilty--I actually prefer the emotion from people who care about me to the apparent indifference/lack of empathy of the people who have said things like, "Oh, you'll be fine! Be positive!" etc. etc.

    Beth, you brought up how you've felt like it's sometimes harder to be the family member than the patient. I've definatly felt that, no doubt. I've lost my mother (to bc), my father, my father-in-law, my grandfather and my uncle/godfather to cancer, and no question for me, it was much harder emotionally to go through their cancer journies than mine. It sucks to be the patient, but I found it much harder to worry about my loved one than about myself. 

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