The Blahh's

I am 57 years old and usually like to stay very busy working at my job or around the house. I am still working full time. I have my third chemo tomorrow and I have gained weight. I feel ugly. Some days it is really hard to have a positive attitude. I have support at home and some gals that give me sympathy (they seem to understand more than men), but now that I am in treatment and had my surgery my family feels that I am on the road to recovery and I still feel broken.

Maura, I worked through most of my chemo, only took off the day of and the day after, and then the day mid-cycle when I saw my onc. I don't know if it was such a great thing because my job performance was not up to par, and I'm sure my annual review will reflect it.

I didn't think I was doing so badly until my boss came in to talk to me shortly before I left for my surgery. She really reamed me out. Of course, she does that regularly to each of her workers, so it wasn't unexpected...she looks for a weak point and pounces.

I feel more fulfilled here at home on my short-term-disability post surgery than spending my days at the office fielding emails and trying to be productive. I have projects that are physically appropriate. Planning them has spurred my energy. I hope I can start a major one in a couple of days (repainting a table).

Luckily I didn't put on extra weight during my neoadujvant chemo. But I still need to lose some. It bothers me that my stomach sticks out further than my chest since my boobs are gone. That's another project on my list - reduce abdomen.

Of course, I can't expect to spend all my time on big projects, so I have a list of some small projects...like tonight my daughter and I are going through all the boxes of make-up and hair products we have in the bathroom and will throw out old stuff.

All that said, I hit a very down moment this morning when I was getting dressed. I know I have two more chemos and rads ahead of me and the hair I've started to regrow will be lost again. My mx scars are ugly (OK, they're very fresh, but still, they're ugly), so I have vowed that I WILL have recon next year. And it just all hit me this morning in a way that made me feel like giving up...why bother doing anything. The interest I had for my projects slipped away.

But somehow, I put myself back together...a small accomplishment led to feeling better. And by this afternoon, my energy had returned and I'm anxious to start a project this weekend.

Nancy, Getting started on project always keeps me going. For me, getting started is easier than finding time to finish. I did a scarpbook of my daughter's basketball career but there was so much that I haven't finished it all. I want to do a scrapbook for both my kids from baby to present but that is a future project. My project right now is to clean eveything out of my house that we don't need and by golly that is alot of stuff. I have hauled off gobs of bags to goodwill. My excuse is that my husband and I eventually want to downsize to a smaller house that requires less upkeep, but in the back of my mind I kind of feel that by getting rid of stuff I'm kind of starting a new life or having a new beginning. I don't want extra 'stuff' to clutter my life and have to take care of...I want to spend some time on me for a change. I have always been momma hen and taken care of everything for my bosses, husband, and kids. I kind of like being in control (that really changed). I am trying to make everyone more independent so they won't miss me when I'm gone and get the piece of mind of knowing they can do without me. My youngest is 19 and she is in college so there is no moving away from where we live now until she finishes. She has too many friends and a job so she loves where she lives. I am not sure that I will ever feel that I am not broken because I have lost that naive feeling of nothing bad is going to happen to me, those things always happen to other people.

Enjoylife- My sister in law had an aneurism and she was age 49 or 50. She had three kids with two of them in college. It was very sudden and so sad.

I don't want it to sound like I'm expecting the worst, but I want to be more prepared for whatever happens in the future than I was this time. I was totally blind sided. I expect to be around to see my smaller house and putter around on the patio. I love to garden, camp, and fish. Haven't been doing much of any of those things. It is too hot in Texas to even be outside very long. I did take a vacation to Florida this month which was fun but really hot. I was determined to see my son whom I hadn't seen in a long time. I had chemo #2 and then caught a plane 3 days later. Like I said I was determined and praying the whole time that nothing bad would happen and I would feel OK for the whole trip. It went well.

Your son plays football or some other sport? That senior year in high school can be a whirlwind with prom and college stuff going on. They can get a bit of senioritis too.

What was your diagnosis? Are you in the July chemo group?

My daughter played basketball for years and it was a great source of entertainment for me. I missed those days when they were over. My husband came to many of her games, but at some point he quit coming as much. Too much drama for him I guess. She played ball in college for a little but decided it wasn't as much fun as when mama was around so she quit. It was time to move on to other things. She planned to move home anyway but my getting sick helped her decision. She is going to college close to home this next year and she goes with me to chemo. We take a DVD player and rent a movie. It makes the time fly by and it is so nice having her there. My husband is working but my daughter can arrange her work schedule. That may change once school starts in August. It is amazing how she can be such a kid and yet be so strong for me. At least we finished all the high school things before I found out about the bc.

You made me cry. I have always had all sorts of plans and expected to live to be 87 like my parents so I thought I had plenty of time to do everything I wanted to do. That is why I decided to get the chemo so I can say that I did all I could while I could to knock this thing out. I am hoping that I have no recurrence in the future but think I will continually worry about it. I am also going to have 6 radiation treatments after I finish chemo. I will also get herceptin for the total of one year.

Working is really hard sometimes. I get up at 5:30 and this past Monday I just couldn't get up. Usually I am up and ready for work but for some reason I was exhausted so I went in late.

I have to remind myself sometimes of all the things to be thankful for because I get to thinking poor me. I'll bet we could come up with a whole list of good things that offset some of the bad.

Dear Texas Mom and Enjoy Life,

Just about everything you have said resonated with me completely -- about planning to live til I'm 87....feeling fat.....feeling vulnerable....feeling broken....... I am also a Texas Mom - in Austin. Monday, I have my 2nd TCH infusion of 6 and then radiation. I feel like I'm in a bubble, like my future is uncertain (*even though I know it always really was) but also feeling very blessed to have the insurance and job that allow me to get this treatment. I just keep thinking that after next week, I'll be 33% done with chemo....I send my good wishes. Bethany

Dear Curly Locks,

Very nice L O N G  hair -- was it always curly or was that a special surprise from chemo? 

Bethanybean - Glad to hear there is another Texas mom on this board and as close to me as Austin! You are also HER2+ so we are most likely on the same treatments. I just had my 3rd treatment yesterday. Not as good as #2 at all! I'm kind of struggling today and plan to go back to bed after I talk to everyone a little. I think onc gave me a lighter dose for #2 because I was going on vacation. This time he also added a couple of days of taking steroid pills because apparently I have some kind of allergy to the chemo and my ankles have been swelling. I go for my shot this afternoon so have to perk up before then.

My work has been very supportive. I am between assignments and viritually have little to do but show up.That almost makes it worse because I have to fill my days with something but the way I feel today I am not sure I will be able to perform well on a new assignement and am not sure if I will have to take more days off for chemo because of taking the steroid pills. They make me feel goofy but maybe I will get used to them or it is the chemo. My work may eventually lose patience with me. I have lots of sick days & vacation days saved up which I'm using pretty quickly. I have reached my out of pocket for the year on my insurance. And I'm getting cured so life is good!

I need to share something funny that happened to me yesterday. I had a followup appt with my surgeon right after chemo and was kind of goofy. The doc was giving me an exam and seemed to be comparing the two breasts (since I had a lumpectomy). I thought looking to see if they matched each other or he was admiring his handwork so I said 'they are looking good aren't they' and he called me a braggard! He thought I was telling him I was good looking! I couldn't help but laugh but I told him I was talking about how well he did on the surgery and how it was healing nicely. My daughter (19) was in the room and I thought she was going to fall out of her chair when he said that.

Hi my dear sisters, just remember, most of us end up with a type of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  Just like the vets.  No energy, no interest, no nothing.  But this does get a whole lot better.

Hang in there, Shirlann  (9& 1/2 years post treatment)