almost a year down the road and i am crashing and burning

Don't look at this and think it's been a year why am I crashing and burning.

 It'sonly been six months since a very emotionally upsetting surgery, and then you had a severe family crisis descend upon you.  That is a lot of stress and you can't just try to act like anybody would bounce right back.  Plus you're depressed and on medication.  Be realistic - give yourself persmission, tools, and time to heal.

Depression is better addressed with a combination of talk thearpy and medication. The not good part is that usually talk-thearpy is not covered very well by insurance, so you're looking at cash outlay. I think it helps a lot and is worth the effort to find someone and the expense, but I can understand if that's not a good option for you. 

I don't think it hurts to busy yourself with an outside interest.  Sometimes our problems move right in and overtake our lives. Do you have a passion that has fallen by the wayside lately you could renew?  Has it been awhile since you've seen your old friends? 

I think that you will get better. It takes an awfully long time to recover from a mastectomy -- well beyond the wounds healing.   

Diana, I don't know if I have any good words for you, as each of our experiences are different.  It took me more than a year to get over my mother's death, in 2001 and she was 89, but I did eventually.  I'm two years out this month from surgery, on the 13th, and one year out from last treatment of herceptin, and I still have serious moments of depression and fear that cancer will return.  But then I have days when life is wonderful, usually when the weather is good.  It takes a long time to get over a diagnosis of cancer and it's only a year for you, which is a very short time.  I think Rose's suggestion of talk in addition to medication is a good one.  Can you see a therapist, someone to talk to once a week about your fears and depression?  Therapy helps, and time.

 I hope so much you feel better soon.

Diana, the gals have given you very good advice.  However, I would like to stress that some meds make you numb.  I had been on Prozac for years.  Eventually, I couldn't cry or feel or even feel happy.  I told my pcp about it and he said, yes, that it could do that.  I would advise, if you haven't already, to try an new antidep.

You have been through more than I could even imagine.  Don't be hard on yourself.  It is absolutely time for you to think of you.   And, that's not selfish.  And, one more thing.  A grievance counselor would probably be of great help.  You haven't had time to grieve for you.

Depression is hell.  I know.  I had it way before bc.  Plus, I had the anxiety to go along with it. 

All I can do for you is give you a {{{{{{{big hug}}}}}}}.  I truly feel for you...Shirley

Hello, Diana,

the reactive depression is an excellent diagnosis for many of us, and you are one who is on the top of that list.  Wow, it's amazing you haven't driven off a bridge or worse.  3 weeks after my mast., fighting the pathology depts and insurance co, my husband's office manager suffered a major heart attack.  I had to take over at the office when I could barely lift all the charts and abide being up all day and being nice to all the clients.

My diagnosis, surgery, treatment was totally forgotten by my whole family.  Everything was focused on covering the office.  I then had a GI cancer scare, gallbladder surgery, etc, etc.  I was even asked to delay, if I needed chemo, so I wouldn't "mess up" the Christmas holidays.  Oh, and of course, I was expected to do the full Christmas thing---all the shopping, wrapping, cooking, decorating, PLUS cover the office doing things I had no idea HOW to do.  And, I add, I put up with this---wouldn't happen today, I assure you!

When I was a year out, no one except this board recognized my anniversary. 

Your situation is even worse, you have faced the real needs of others and passed up taking care of yourself.  One thing that almost all of us face, is that at about a year out we finally have time to think about the fact that we have/had FREEKIN' CANCER.  During all the previous time, we were too busy with treatment, and you with family care as well.  Ok, now you have time to finally look in the eyes of your cancer diagnosis and try to wrap your head around the idea of it and all it's ramifications.  This is HUGE, to each and every one of us.  It gets better in a couple more years but right now you are in the very edge of beginning recovery from an awful disease and trying to recover from a multiple family tragedy.

My heart goes out to you and all who are comming up on the 1st anniversary.  It's a bitch! 

You've rec'd great advice above from those in the know.  Most of all we want you to know that you are NOT alone.  WE understand how you feel and invite you to come here as often as possible and do whatever you need to do.  Laugh, cry, vent, yell, scream, whatever it takes.  We're here, we've been where you are, and many others are, and we don't judge, gloss over, think less of you, or offer cliches and Pollyanna responses.  We know what you are feeling is real.  We care.

Hugs.

Kathy Steligo wrote 'The Breast Reconstruction Guidebook" and it covers all they types of recon and explains the pros, cons and why's and wherefores of each type recon.  I highly recommend it for research.  You can order from amazon.

The reconstruction board on this site is a wonder!  It has the straight scoop from Many women who have had or are having recon and can be a great source of info and comfort.

When you start cking plastic surgeons: please, please see at least 3 and then decide which one you can work with over a long haul.  It will make a world of difference.  also remember when on the boards, most posts will be about problems.  When we don't have problems, we don't post as much.  Just FYI.