Angry at My Mom

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New2Texas
New2Texas Member Posts: 6
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
Angry at My Mom
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  • New2Texas
    New2Texas Member Posts: 6
    edited June 2008

    Hey,

    Just found out my mom has "infiltrated ductal carcinoma." I recently moved across the country, so I'm not there in person which makes this really hard. I'm also angry because my mom was advised to get checked SIX YEARS AGO and never followed up. We argued about this at the time, then I realized I was helpless in the situation and now my worst fears from the time have come true. I just don't know how to react or talk to her right now. Help!

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited June 2008

    Hi New2,

    Are you in Texas?  I would seriously suggest speaking to a counselor/social worker who deals a lot with cancer -- it's understandable that you have a lot of anger, and yet I'm also hearing that you want to be able to help and support your mother.

    First of all, "infiltrated (or invasive) ductal carcinoma" (IDC) just means that the cancerous cells are not just contained inside a milk duct of the breast, they have "infiltrated" through the duct wall into another type of breast tissue.  Your mother could have a very early stage of IDC, where it is a small tumor and contained in one small area of the breast.

    You haven't said (and you may not know) why exactly your mother was told to "get checked."  Did she simply fail to get a yearly mammogram?  Or was there some additional symptom?

    One thing to find out is the stage of her cancer.  If it is stage 1, then I think you can completely breathe a sigh of relief -- the "delay" would really be a non-issue in that case.

    But whatever the stage of your mother's cancer now, there are treatments.  She is getting treated NOW.

    What you are experiencing is making me think of a situation with my youngest sister -- this was about her wanting to give birth to her second child at home -- there were a lot of reasons this was risky -- another sister (a nurse) and I tried to talk her out of it, or at least discuss the possible risks.  She disagreed with us, got very angry, tried to have the home birth, she and baby both experienced life-threatening emergencies...  I'm just telling you this because I know firsthand how hard it is to feel forgiveness toward someone you love when you feel they have needlessly risked their life... and yet the whole reason you are so angry is that you love them so much... so it is necessary to find that forgiveness (usually over and over again) and support them "from this point forward."

    Again, I think someone with specific counseling experience around cancer can help you negotiate your feelings, and what your mother needs right now and how you can help her. 

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  • May54
    May54 Member Posts: 25
    edited June 2008

    Dear New2Texas,

                    It sounds like your Mom's worst fears have come true also.  Give yourself sometime to get over the shock and process what is happening.  If you can't talk on the phone yet, send a card of support.  She needs all her energy and strength and positive support she can get to fight the disease . Let go of what she did or didn't go at this point.  It just doesn't matter now, all that matters is helping her move ahead with her treatment plan and recovery.

                                           sincerely,

                                           May54 

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  • New2Texas
    New2Texas Member Posts: 6
    edited June 2008

    Thanks May and Ann,

    Ann, your experience with your sister rings really true for me. I think that's it; I have worried for years about her poor health, and now it seems like it's all catching up with her/me! In 2002, she had a mammogram and they saw calcification on the breast and insisted that she get it checked out, but she refused. She didn't go back for another mammogram until a week or so ago, when she discovered a lump about the size of a marble on her left breast. It's good to hear more about IDC; all this is very new to me, and it's hard to keep all of the info straight. We'll know more after her lumpectomy next Wednes. 

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  • New2Texas
    New2Texas Member Posts: 6
    edited June 2008

    So I just found out my mom's cancer is btwn stage 2 & 3. Anyone know what that means exactly? I looked at the website, but they aren't doing the lumpectomy until Wednes so I'm not sure how they can tell already. It's hard to get info from my mom...

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  • New2Texas
    New2Texas Member Posts: 6
    edited June 2008

    So I just found out my mom's cancer is btwn stage 2 & 3. Anyone know what that means exactly? I looked at the website, but they aren't doing the lumpectomy until Wednes so I'm not sure how they can tell already. It's hard to get info from my mom...

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  • May54
    May54 Member Posts: 25
    edited June 2008

    Dear New2Texas,

                               This website has an area that will answer some of your questions in a very  understandable way. 

                                Go to the very top of this website and click on "Symptons and Diagnosis",

    Then scroll down and  click on "Understanding your Breast Cancer", then scroll down and click on "Stages of Breast Cancer".  

                                                             Take care, May54  

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