Mom, Stage 4(LungS, liver, bone), Depression

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bretsupportsthecause
bretsupportsthecause Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
Mom, Stage 4(LungS, liver, bone), Depression
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  • bretsupportsthecause
    bretsupportsthecause Member Posts: 2
    edited June 2008

    To those who will listen(read) and reply;

    My mom was diagnosed with Stage 1 in '99 when I was just about 14.  She fought it and it "went away." Well back about a year ago my mom had been having side pains and went to a regular doctor who then ordered some tests that eventually led to her finding out about her being diagnose with Stage 4 Breast Cancer in both her Lungs, Liver, and some bone(August 21, 2007).  I found out when I came home and my dad(who never cries) broke down in my arms.

    Ever since then I have been through what I like to refer to as emotional hell(sorry for language). I had already had battles with depression. When I found out that they originally gave her 2-3 years...I about lost it. But luckily I have friends that care and always tell me they are praying for her and us.  And I may not be the most Christian person in the world, but I do pray every night. The only thing is that I put up a wall so that people think that I am okay. I can't tell mom 'cause she always apologizes to us for her cancer and cries, dad is already having a hard enough time, and my brother never shows emotion. I had an exgf who I used to confide in everything. That relationship ended in October.

    I have no "release" of pint up emotions or nowhere to talk it out.  I usually just breakdown and cry on my own in private. I do have friends that I can talk to but I do not feel comfortable breaking down in front of them. What do I do? I pretty much break down about a couple times a month. I came across this board while I am going through emotions. I just need help, emotional support, words of encouragement, recommended websites that sell Breast Cancer support products, anything.

    Help,

    BSTC

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  • Emma10
    Emma10 Member Posts: 17
    edited June 2008

    Im so sorry to hear about your Mums cancer returning.

    I read your post and it waslike telling my own story.Mum had breast cancer in 2000 then in 2005 she went away on holidays and come home with pains in her side too. She went off and had tests which then showed that she hadcancer in her lungs, liver,brain and bones. Its been down hill from that point on.

    I too had a serious bf when I first found out. He was the only person who knew how I real felt and I could talk too Once he left and moved back to Melbourne I went a little party crazy.It wasnt the best idea but I guess I just didnt know how to handle the feeling of lossing my Mum and then him and all in 6mths. Thankfully I to have good friends who look out forme and pull my head in when Im being stupid.

    I totally understand that you dont feel you want to break down infront of your friends all  the time.Im the worst with dealing with my emotions. My family and friends all think Im fine!! But secretly Im going nuts. I feel like all I do is talk about Mum and the cancer but the truth is I never talk about it. Least I didnt until I started posting on here. I was driven to this website for the very reason you where - which is breaking down all the time.Infact I locke myself at home alone all long weekend, watching movies and crying.Then I decided to look up this site and joined. Since then I have felt normal and have been able to vent openly with people who understand and are going though the same feelings I am. I hope this site works in the same way for you.

    Congrats for making such a great honest first post.

    Take care of you and keep posting please

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  • wishiwere
    wishiwere Member Posts: 3,793
    edited June 2008

    I'm so sorry for you both having to deal with Cancer for your mothers.

    Both of you need to find a release for this journey you are going through.  Grief, anger, resentment and all the emotions that come with serious illness and death.  Please try to find a local support group or get involved with the cancer society in your area.  They may have family support groups where you would meet others who've gone through what you have and dealt with all of this.  It was the worse part of my dx was telling my dd and watching her go through what you are.  Granted I have not been dx with stage IV as your mothers, but no mother wants to put this on their child.

    Please know you are both in my prayers and as well as your mothers.  This site will help, but you need to get involved in life somehow too, where you can feel productive and share with others your own ages too.  I'm not saying to leave here, but put those emotions to good use to both help yourselves and to help others would be the best way to get through it.  Keeping busy is the way we as survivors get throught it also!

    This site will give you information and allow you to express those emotions you have pent up and hopefully ease some of the pain.  I hope it does, b/c it's helped a great many of us and we only want the best for you both too!  Take care and keep on sharing!

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  • badboob67
    badboob67 Member Posts: 2,780
    edited June 2008

    BSTC,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have stage IV breast cancer; lots of times I believe it is much harder on those who love me than it is on me. Talking to others in similar situations--like you are doing right here--can sure help. One other thing I'd like to suggest is that you check with your mom's cancer center to see if they have a counselor there. Talking with a counselor who has training and experience helping people in your situation can be such a relief. Most cancer centers do have a social worker or counselor on staff. There may even be a support group for you if you are comfortable with that.

    If I did my math correctly, you are about 23, right? There is an organization that was started by young people and can be found on many college campuses. The website is here:

    http://studentsofamf.org/ 

    Even if you are not a student, you are likely to find people close in age that understand what you are going through. My oldest son will be a senior in high school next year; I have already given him the information about this organization so he has it if he feels like he needs it.

    Please feel free to come visit us here whenever you have questions or concerns. You can also visit the "Recurrence and Metastatic Disease" section of the boards; there are several people who post in that section whose mothers have stage IV disease. If the website I suggested is not a help for you, please let me know. I have saved several links to breast cancer resources and am confident we can come up with something to help you!

    Finally, perhaps you would feel better visiting your doctor and asking about an antidepressant/anti-anxiety drug. The drugs, of course, won't change the situation but can really help you get through it.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Cancer is a rotten hand to be dealt and is so much more than a health problem; the emotional impact is truly awful and so unfair for everyone involved!

    (((HUGS)))

    Diane

    PS: Feel free to send me a PM if there is anything I can do for you 

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  • May54
    May54 Member Posts: 25
    edited June 2008

    Dear Bretsupportsthecause,

                             It really is difficult isn't it?  A pretty helpless feeling, you feel like you would do anything if you could take the pain and burden from your loved one and suffer it yourself if you could for them, or at least that is how I felt.  For me the thought of my sister suffering or in any pain was the worst for me, as she is such a gentle soul and I love her.

                              I tried getting my attention as much as I could off of what might happen in the future or the fear of loss or the suffering of my sister  to staying in the present and trying to enjoy the present moments with my sister right now.    At first it seemed impossible after my sister's stage 4 diagnosis that I could ever laugh again or enjoy anything...but slowly over the last 3 years since her recurrence, I have.  

                               For the anxiety and sadness, I found it helped me to go somewhere with beautiful nature surrounding me, like a park or the ocean and just walk and talk to God, and let the beauty around me strengthen me .  Sometimes I just felt empty and didn't feel the strength and will to do the "normal" things in life that are in our daily routine...it just seemed like it didn't matter with my sister with a stage 4 diagnosis.   

                             But you know what, I watched my sister and she went back to doing all her normal routine as much as she could and took trips and laughed and enjoyed her family, so I said if she can do it, I certainly can!

                              I try to be thankful that I have known my sister in my life and have enjoyed many things with her through life.  I'm focusing on what I have now with her instead of the loss in the future.    

                               You are not alone dear Bret, many loving thoughts and prayers are with you from the many who read these boards who are in this journey of a loved one with breast cancer too. We cry together. 

                                      sincerely,

                                      May54

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  • mommy9278
    mommy9278 Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2008

    I'm right there with you and this journey SUCKS!!!.  I have been on this roller coaster since last June when after 5 years my mom was dx with mets in her femur, she had surgery and is finally able to more around without a limp since they had to put a rod in her femur.  Since December it has moved to her liver and her back.. The liver is now the worse and has grown from 18mm to 2.4 cm in two months and I'm TERIFIED of losing her.  I know that I need counseling to help me deal with this...I can't place all my grief on my husband and I know that someone professional needs to help me cope with this.  I have constant thoughts that run through my head about loosing her and I have morbid thoughts about her funeral and I now keep everything that she gives me beacuse I know one day I won't have her around due to this horrible cancer.   But know that i'm in your same boat.  One quote that I read was "You can't live your tomorrows today", so I'm trying to embrace that philosophy as much as I can, but it's hard!  Good luck and cyber hug to you!  Sometimes these boards help and others times I need to live in denial so I can get through my day, but all in all it's good to have an online community of people that are going through the same thing as you.

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  • hollyann
    hollyann Member Posts: 2,992
    edited June 2008

    Bless you, Bret!   You are such a loving, supportive son!  I too have bc and it is hard for my 17 yr old daughter to cope.  I tell her to enjoy life to the fullest.  Go out on your dates, go to movies, be a teenager.  I will be here when she gets back.  Your mom would not want you to be feeling so sad.  I would not want my daughter feeling that way either.  As the other ladies said, it is hard to think about hte present only when you are thinking ahead to the future.  Live for today,  tomorrow will take care of itself.  Please feel free to come here any time and please come to the live chat room too.  All the ladies and a few men too are very willing and able to help you cope.  I am sending you prayers for peace and great big hugs from Georgia. 

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