Emotional roller coaster

I've tried to write this post about 6 times over now. I have so many thoughts and emotions going on, it's hard to find one to focus on.

Since I found out about Mum's cancer returning I have felt that Ive been on an emotional roller coaster. Unlike most roller coast's this one hasn't stopped so I can catch up with whats going on or how Im feeling.

I was in along term relationship when I first found out and I remember say to him " I want to do everything now so Mum gets to see me do everything but Im not ready for everything now" That was 3yrs ago now and still I havent done everything. To be honest Ive probably moved backwards if anything. Im no longer with the boy. But to be honest the person I was back then is not the one I am now.

I have grown and changed in so many ways that not even I can keep up sometimes. If fact about 3wks ago I had this overwhelming feeling of "who am I and what do I like". It was almost like one  day I wake up and suddenly I was different to the person I had been just the night before. I was so lost I locked myself in my house for the whole long weekend and watched girlie movies alone. I did alot of crying, reading and writing! I even made a wall poster that has everything I like and enjoy doing so that I can look at it whenever I'm feeling like I've lost me! 

How do you gain control of something you can't ever have control of??  

Thank you Sue

Im sorry to hear about your Mother. I'm so gald you got to tell her all the things you wanted and that she knows you love her, even still!

Your right I do love my Mum very much and to be honest ever since Ive been born Ive been out to impress her and succeed so she'd proud of me. Sometimes I worried if its her putting the pressure on me or me putting the pressure on me?

Talking about emotions is one thing Ive realised Im not so great at. It would seem that I spent to much time as a child trying to be one of the boys. As none of the men in my family deal with emotions well nor are they big talkers. Emma's just the same I know Mum knows I love her!I can't be sure I've told her everything I want to as yet.And to be honest Im not sure if I ever will based on the fact I hate the fact she's dying and in some ways I have yet to come to terms with that.

The women in my famliy have always been the strong one. They're also always been the ones who never die. I mean at present I have 5 generations of women alive on Mum's side.  She's meant to be like my great grandmother and grandmother who never say die.

I find myself thinking selfish thoughts like: Who will look after my children when i have to return to work or want a night out. I think of all the thing's that grandmothers are meant to do and know she may never do any of them.

I dont want her to meet the man I marry or share part in my childrens lives. These two thoughts always bringme to tears, always!! 

How did you manage to tell your mother everything you needed to? And deal with her passing?

I struggle  to deal with it happening slowly infront of me and can't imagine what I'll be like when that final moment comes....