I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do

ICanDoThis · June 2008

ICanDoThis · June 2008

My emotions seem to be divorced from my body by about six months, and even though I'm physically getting better and it looks like I'll be just fine, I have started to turn into a certifiable mess.

I'm doing doctors this week - six week checkup with Rad Onc tomorrow, 3 week checkup with surgeon about the abscess this AM, and the recommended gastroenterology practice for a colonoscopy.

When I called the gastro practice to schedule, I started to cry when they asked me if I'd ever had any trouble with sedation. They're a really brisk practice, if you know what I mean. The young man at the other end of the phone was like... ma'am, ma'am, what do you want - no sedation, general anesthesia, what... I couldn't talk. The thought of that feeling of being helplessly drunk again from the sedation terrified me.

So, last week, I started to see a therapist who specializes in breast cancer patients (hey, until I see that clean 6 month mammogram, I'm not making any promises, although everything looks really good), and I went in to see a nurse practitioner in the gastro practice. They think I'm nuts. I probably am - but they can do the test under a general anesthesia as long as I bring in a copy of my last pre-op EKG, and I could see confidence in my sanity return when I suggested that option, saying that I preferred to keep down the life-time limit on my health insurance, whereever possible.

The therapist seems nice, although we'll see. We are working on strategies to keep me from feeling helpless when emmeshed in the medical arena (I actually used to do quite well in my other life).

This AM I asked the surgeon's nurse some questions about my initial diagnosis and tests that my therapist had asked about, and promptly burst into tears.

The surgeon stuck a probe into the abscess (ewww again), and opened the hole up to keep the healing process stable. I wanted this to be OVER and HEALED so much. My poor surgeon, he actually patted my leg when he asked me about the questions I asked the nurse and wept again.

I forgot to ask about the EKG -

And yet I get up every morning and go to work and cook for my family, and talk to my friends at work, and I'm human. And I got through treatment fairly efficiently, thank you.

So, tell me, am I anywhere close to sane, or should I just ask someone to lock me in a rubber room.

I don't think I can do anti-anxiety drugs, even if I could convince myself to swallow one.

Who ever thought that graduating from breast cancer treatment would be worse than breast cancer treatment? My boob tan from rads is even starting to fade.

Sue

Shirlann · June 2008

Honey, you are so very, very normal it is amazing. I have read this identical list of woes for 5 years from literally dozens of women.

What you have is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Just like the vets. And, you feel even worse, because you SHOULD feel well! Hmm, just doesn't work that way. Then you feel guilty over feeling worse when you should feel good and on we go.

Of course, the easiest and safest route is anti-deps, which you seem to sense. Just remember, they have been prescribed to men and women all over the world for 25 years and my doc and onc told me, to their knowledge, no side effects at all. (I am not discussing the issue of teens and younger children, they have separate issues).

The drugs are not on the substance abuse list the federal govenment keeps, they are not addictive, although you would need to get off them very slllowwwly. You are not dopey, or sleepy, they are not a narcotic. They are Seritonin Re-Uptake Inhibitors. Or, SRI's.

BUT if this solution is something you just cannot handle, then try something more common. Some of our women take Ativan or valium, when things get really tough. These drugs are quick and last about 3 to 4 hours. They do get you through appointments and things that seem too hard.

You most probably have "situational depression" versus "chronic depression" and will get well with nothing. But it is a hard year. Usually you are totally exhausted, what with worrying about next Christmas, and fall into bed and pass out, then, about 2 to 4am, you pop awake and the squirrels run around and around the bedroom. when you do finally get up, you are tired again.

The good news is, you will get better eventually with nothing. I like a real good B-Complex, this vitamin does wonders for the nerves. But if you want to save yourself from misery, try the anti-deps.

Oh, the thing is also, the anti-deps do not act quickly, 2 to 6 weeks, you think, "Oh darn, they won't work". Then, you finally get them working and you find yourself humming an old tune. Very subtle.

So whichever way you go, honey, just know that you are surely not alone, every single one of us takes this nasty "post BC" ride. Seems so unfair, after all we have gone through.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

Gitane · June 2008

You are exactly where I was. I did nothing about it at first, and probably that was a big mistake. I was still feeling these feelings long after I thought they should be healing. I'm not sure why I couldn't get past it, but I couldn't. I do know that stopping HRT, then taking Femara was a huge part of it. Also, my father died, and my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Lots was going on. I cried a lot when I was alone, because it felt safest then. I "compartmentalized", by coping in areas, as you are, but not coping at all with this cancer diagnosis and all it meant. I eventually did see a therapist, who taught me to calm myself through visualization, meditation, but I still wasn't coping all that well. To be fair, I didn't give her enough of a chance, I stopped going to see her after only three visits. I took Effexor at a very low dose for about 10 months, and that let me start crawling slowly out of the hole. I didn't like taking it, though, and stopped as soon as I thought I could. I'm in a better place, now, but not at all who I was when I was diagnosed. I've sort of made it my mission to find out why I imploded emotionally when others seem to be handling it with more strength. In the process I've been learning a lot about me, which is a very good thing. I am not the one to give anyone advice, just the opposite. I wanted to let you know it's hard for me, too, and many others, too, as I found out later.

wendyk13 · June 2008

Sue....I wanted to say something, but Gitane and Shirlann said it so perfectly! You are normal and no, you do not need a rubber room. Maybe tho you need to come to my house and sit under my kitchen table. Yep...I did that! See...my mom and I used to play "fort" under our kitchen table..you know, with a blanket over it? I climbed under my table a few times...I really did. What you are going thru is very normal. And it is just like being a vet! You get drafted for this war you didn't want to fight....they give you REALLY big guns and tell you just to shut up and do what they say...then when it is all over they pat you on the head and tell you to go back to your life. HUH???? You just haven't realized that you have a "new" normal. We have a group of Illinois ladies on this board and we swear we are going to all get bumperstickers that say "Weird...it's the new normal".

I guess this hasn't helped you much at all, has it? But trust me, and everyone else....you are normal. The "new" and "weird" normal, but normal just the same. Hugs and hugs! My fort is always open for you! You bring the wine, I'll bring the cheese and crackers!

AnnNYC · June 2008

Sue, you are NOT crazy, not at all. You're feeling perfectly normal feelings in response to horribly abnormal situations.

My totally inappropriate thought -- wouldn't a rubber room be FUN??? I'd like a big soft playroom...

I do think Shirlann's suggestion of a B-complex vitamin is a good one -- I'm gonna buy some today. Also, I've been taking fish oil capsules for a few months, and it seems to be helping to relieve my sense of having been "rubbed raw" emotionally.

Curlylocks · June 2008

Sue,

What you are feeling is oh so NORMAL!! I think we go on auto pilot throughout diagnosis, trying to sort out emotions, treatment and then when everything is said and done--its like how am I suppose to feel now?

I have never been a depressed person or needed anti depressants in my 44 years of life but I can tell you they literally saved my sanity one month post chemo when I felt like I had been dropped off the deep end. Please dont be afraid to seek counselling and or both counselling and an anti depressant to help you sort out your emotions and establish the New Normal.

I was on them for 2 years post treatment and have successfully been off them now for 4 months and am feeling more like parts of my old self are emerging out of the ashes.....

All the best to you sister, post breast cancer is worse than the actual treatment emotionally, it does take awhile to get your feet established again!

Michele

RIV54 · June 2008

Sue, you are as normal as apple pie. My dx anniversary was in March and my head is still spinning with appts, PT, PCP, Onc, Rad onc, a nutritionist. I do agree though things do tend to get better with time. Just stop, take a breath.

Wendy, I love your vet analogy. I never looked at it that way before, but so true. Thanks.

msphil · June 2008

Hello Honey, I agree with Shirlinn, we all have this post BC syndrome, But with the help of God I got through it all, so there is light at the end of the tunnel, I,m 15 yrs cancer free in December, so take it easy, say to yourself(It will get better) says a 12 yr survivor. God Bless us ALL. msphil

ICanDoThis · June 2008

Thank you all, and the ladies who PM'ed me. You really did give me the courage to get up and go to work.

I had scheduled an entire day of working with a consultant on the phone, to get some aspects of our new project finalized. This was my dream project, and the poor thing has bumped along behind my cancer treatment, never getting the attention it deserved.

I had so much fun; I can too be a competent adult -- I've decided not to spend the remainder of my life in a fetal position.

I know that I'll go up and down again, but I believe I can do this.

Sue

omo · June 2008

Just thought i'd add my 10 cents.this happened to me when i finished treatment, [the way you are feeling]and I think its because you dont have the treatment to focus on as a major in your life anymore. For me it was my rads, that sort of took over my life.It was a routine, you know, a way of life.I'm sure your life will go back to nearly normal, because this experience does change all of us , doesn't it? Take care

I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do

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