Dealing when mom has cancer

Dear bcdaughter,

                  I am very sorry that your Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer recently.  When my sister was diagnosed I  felt physically sick with worry and heartbreak for a long time. I had trouble swallowing and breathing because i was so upset all the time.

                   Finally I said to myself one day, if I went on that way, I would get sick and wouldn't be of any use to help my sister if and when she may need my help.  The worry and fear was just robbing me of my energy and ability to enjoy life.  It's natural for us to worry but then I had to turn my thoughts from all the what if's and wanting the security of definite answers to trying to live in the present and enjoy each day with my sister now and put aside all the worries and fears of what might happen.

                     It's a major change in life, going from living your life having the secure feeling of your Mother being there throughout your life to the thoughts of not having her there. It's a deep feeling of loss and grief.

                      As far as the future for you or your children, remember research is happening this very minute and continues...become part of the solution..get active, join one of the organizations that fund raise for a future cure, it's possible within your lifetime.

Did your Mom have her surgery yet? You had mentioned it might be this week.  Let us know how it goes.

My sister has a daughter your age, early 20's and I was thinking how scarey this all was for her. 

There is alot of waiting in between surgery, test and test results.

My sister's treatment is going well.  

Dear Emma,

                     We  all share in this together, you are not alone. Thank you for joining in and making your first comment.  I had read other's messages for 3 years and just felt comfortable enough  to start posting messages about a month ago myself.  

I'm at a loss.  My mom begins her chemo today and has been told to expect complete hair loss in 17 days. I read the info on hair loss and am stunned at the likely effects.  Do I offer her a makeover over the next couple of weeks?  Do I send a gift cert for a wig?  Just being there is one thing, but what can I actually do to help?

 Wigs are great but I know with my Mum the first one she got was a bit to long, so the second time she got a shorter one. In fact it suits her so much even her hair dresser thought she was cheating on her and seeing someone else for her hair lol

Depending on the weather is whether Mum likes to wear her wig or scarf. But its nice to have both options esp if aspecail event comes up.

I think the hair lose stage is a hard one emotionally. Least it was for my Mum. She was so upset when she lost her hair but having the families support,her wigs and scarves help her to deal with it.

It is hard to see a loved one go through this disease.  I live over 800 miles from my grandma and I feel hopeless.  I feel I cannot do anything to help her being so far away, but I have found away to help, I am on this computer 12 hours a day researching and learning this disease, researching side effects on the meds they gave her and what helps the side effects.  I have received prayers from many people that my grandmother would not have received had I not been finding sites like this with so many wonderful people.

 hope is not lost.

Rhonda

lindabutterfly83 - you are in a hard position. As a mother, I would say that the best thing you can do is help your boyfriend keep on track with school or whatever good activities he has. Of course, any help he can be around the house is good and he ought be kind to his mother even when she might be having a tough time. Really, the best help my children can be is to do well with the things they ought to be doing and just to be pleasant no matter what.

bcdaughter - one of the things that worries me is that my daughter and the daughter she is expecting in the fall will have to worry about the same thing.  I will be having the test to see if I carry the gene for BC so my daughter (and my sister) will know whether her risk is any greater than any one else. She helps me by promising to have mammograms at the appropriate time so I know that if she does have to deal with this, it will be at an early stage so she can expect to be fine in the long run - just as I plan to see that baby of hers grow up.

kisersassy - your grandmother is lucky to have you! I am quite sure that she would appreciate e-mails (if she does that) or cards or any other little contact from you that probably has nothing  to do with breast cancer. It doesn't take much, just a little note or suchlike every once in a while to make the day a whole lot brighter.

kjwtesskate - your mother might like to know about the Look Good Feel Better program. I will try that in a couple of weeks and from what others say, it is a great way to have a makeover with other people in the same situation and, I hear, get a bunch of free makeup. Also I found that having a wig ordered ahead of time and hats all ready to go helped a lot. Free wigs are accessible from the cancer society and/or depending on where you are, insurance often helps pay for one.

I think all of your mothers and grandmothers are very fortunate to have people who care enough to have found this site and to ask questions. (My son found this site for me!) And that's enough from this mother.

You all break my heart reading how hard this is for you.I am the Mom with cancer and it was hard for my family but the single thing we did that helped us all was talk about it and cry about it together. I agee too many of us try to protect our kids and grandkids but they all know anyway as your posts make painfully obvious. If your Mom doesn't tell you up front, tell her about how scared you are and that not knowing from her puts your imagination into overdrive. Be prepared for tears,though, because the first time is the hardest.

Italianmikey, we are lucky to live in a time when so much medical help is available. The treatments are hard and seem to take forever but nobody knows how it will all turn out. Waiting and feeling helpless can be the hardest part of all so do what you can to make her day to day life easier even if it's just doing the dishes or keeping the volume of the music down so she can sleep. She really needs to know you are going to be OK and that means you will have to grow up faster than you would have. Posting here and getting the support you need shows me that you are.

I loved getting flowers and cards but simple cuddling with each kid was the best for me. Human touch is marvelously healing so if you can, gentle hugs for your Mom will help both of you. It did wonders for my spirits. I wish all the best for each of you as you help your Moms along her journey. It's your journey, too.

Linda

It's hard to know someone (esp. family) with cancer. Especially when you're young!

My mother had cancer when I was a toddler, and since my diagnosis, wants to play social worker (which she is one) with me.

A lady that I'm quite close to (that works at the barn & who has kids practically my age!) mother-in-law is on her final stages of lung and liver cancer (also has had breast). I typically, find myself having trouble on what to say to her or to her children and husband - even though I myself (at the age of 23) have breast cancer.

I think the hardest thing to do is to find a way to bridge the age gap - since often we think that our generation must have zero in common with those our parents ages. 

Also, when it comes to family members; it personally drives me up a wall if my mom wants to talk about the cancer, but her presence at doctor appointments, or offering me to move back into my parents while doing treatments says mountains without words...

 I am Mom2Kates daughter...

Khristinap-

My mom went for a routine mamogram and came home from it "Honey, me and your father need to talk to you". And then told me that she had Breast Cancer. Im young, I called my friends and family and cried. I really didnt know what to do. There wasnt much I could do except help my mom through it all. She was also down... the whole family was... but you have to turn to God. He said that He would not put us through more than we could take. My mother introduced me to this site to help cope with it all and help others cope- thats what Im here to do and I am gratefull that she did!! Please reply!!

i am so glad I found this site. My mom is now going into the treatment stage. She had both breasts removed about a month and a half ago. This is the second time she has had it. The found cells in only one out of the ten limph nodes and nothing in the chest cavity. They did however find pre cancer cells in the other breast. My dad has been working in Michigan as we are here in Ohio. So during the week I am the man of the house. My parents want me involved and my opinion on treatments. I know that whatever she picks isn't 100% that it won't come back. I am having a hard time staying strong for her and my dad. I know it is killing him inside leaving every monday to go work. I hit rock bottem when we found out she had it. I spent almost two weeks on vacation at a bar. So now I have gone to AA meetings to cope with stuff. I guess my whole thing is that both my mom and dad have diffrent views on treatments. My dad wants to do everything out there. My mom isn't to keen on chemo. The dr wants to do at least some chemo. I am just lost on the feelings I have. My mom as asked me the question she asks herself. "If I do chemo and it comes back then what, but if I don't and it does how can I look you and you father in the eyes knowing i made the wrong choice." I can't give her an answer on it. I have faith she will make the right choice and I also know that no matter what when the man up stairs wants you thats when you go. I know there is no right answer for the treatment nor is there a question in this whole post. I am just wondering if chemo really is the right choice for her. Thanks for reading this, I am just glad there is a forum for husbands daughters and sons like me. God bless.

Hi!  I am new on here and don't really know where to start.  So here goes.  I am 23 and my mother who is 43 was just recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  Just two weeks ago her docs told her she was at stage 0,  and after another mammogram and an mri (just to be on the safe side) they have discovered she is at stage 2.  Today she got the results from yet another mammogram,  which has revelaed that she has a second cluster of cancer cells,  right next to the already existing one.  So as far as her stage goes,  we are uncertain at this point.  Both the first and the second cluster of cancer cells has appeared within a matter of weeks,  so I have no idea what to expect,  and it scares me to death to think that I could possibly lose my mother to this disease.  I don't know much about it,  but have been trying to research it the best I can.  It is really hitting her hard now,  and she is a very strong woman.  But since her results today,  she has been crying a lot and I don't know what I can do to help her other than to comfort her and offer her hope.  I feel like there is something I should be doing for her,  but physically there is nothing I CAN do for her.  I am not dealing very well with the simple fact that she even has breast cancer,   so I could really use some advice on what to do to help her,  how to cope with it myself when all I can do is cry,  and how to keep a positive attitude about the whole situation.  She goes in for a lumpectomy on Dec. 11th and radiation treatments following that.  She also has mytrovalveprolapse,  and I'm not sure if radiation or chemo will have an affect on that as well.  Like I said,  I'm still learning about this stuff and need some guidance as where to look for reliable info.  I would also love to get involved in fundraising for the cause.  If there is nothing I can do for my mother,  there is something I can do for the cause. 

Hi,

I'm new to this board.  My mother's breast cancer came back after 7 years.  She has a large tumor taking up almost half of the right lobe of her liver and mets to her bones so I guess she's stage IV.  I feel so helpless because I don't live close to her.  She's 81-years-old, but not your typical 81-year-old.  She probably gets around better than I do.  Will the chemo be hard to take for a person her age, and will it really help her or hurt her worse?

Hi SinCity Dealer. This is the first time my mom has had breast cancer, and its hard to imagine going through it a second time with your mom's complications. I'm not a doctor, and I don't know a lot of about cancer, but I really hope the best for her.

I sent you a private message, just click on the private message box at the top.  You will be limited how many public posts you can do for a while but you are not limited on the private messages.