When do you stop thinking about cancer so much?

Kim everyone is so different in how they handle this diagnosis and process things emotionally.  I am 2 1/2 years out of diagnosis and still think about cancer every day, although I dont usually obssess about it until it is test time.   Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to heal emotionally.  For me, my post breast cancer journey has been tougher emotionally than the actual treatment.

If you need to seek out the help of a local support group or speak to your GP about some counselling if it overwhelms you on a consistent basis.  

Cancer has changed our lives forever, its just learning to live with the "aftermath" that is tough sometimes.

Your bc sister

Michele 

My Dx. was almost 1 year ago and I'm just beginning to find parts of my old self and still have a long way to go! I totally agree that the emotional aftermath is much more difficult to deal with than tx. I also had counseling. It did help to have someone to talk to outside of my immediate family.

I don't think about the cancer that much.  I have had 2 Pet Scans since I finished tx and there was no cancer in my body.  Maybe this has given me a false sense of security but I really feel I am cancer free.  I hope counseling will help you to find peace of mind & to be able to move on with life.  God Bless!  Chattie

My dx was feb 06. I obsessed through a year of chemo/surgeries and another almost year of aftershock.  A couple of months ago I had a big scare - something found on a bone scan - but it turned out to be ok. Somehow, it was right after the relief of the results that the obsession went away. I still think about it a fair amount - it is part of me - but it's not as heavy a presence as it was. This is the first time I've been here since then and came on to post a question about a friend.

Interestingly, the 5 pounds I lost during chemo and kept off (through no effort of my own, eating anything I wanted...go figure) came back on after that change. While I'd love to have that 5 pounds gone again (I just can't say, "cute!" when I look in the mirror now) I'd rather feel like I'm recovered and wholer.

You'll find your way. It will come when it comes. I don't think it can be pushed. 

I'm 11 months past tx and 14 months post dx.  I guess I'm normal.  Normal for having breast cancer.  Normal for being in instant menopause and gaining 20 lbs in the past year.  Normal for obsessing about recurrence and AI's and Tamoxifen. 

When I'm gardening (which I couldn't do last year) is when I feel like the woman I've always been.  Just a little older and fatter. 

We'll always worry, just some days with less of it as time goes by.  I've learned I can't control the future ... geez, don't really have much control over today.  But for this moment, I'm going outside and not think about it while I plant my flowers.

Love,

Bren

When do you stop thinking about cancer so much?

I'm usually an encourager, but this time I just wanted to tell you a truth that some of us are facing: if you develop lymphedema, that day when you get past thinking about cancer will never come.

With the sleeve and glove (and compression vest if it's in your chest or breast) you are always aware of your journey with breast cancer. And whenever someone asks why you're wearing those garments, there's no truthful answer you can give them without plowing right through your cancer diagnosis.

And then there's the dread: of a major infection from an insect bite, a paper cut, a hangnail, one that will likely put you in the hospital on IV antibiotics. Of your arm being totally out of control at your daughter's wedding so the picture album will forever show you with your one fat arm (or just about as bad, with your rotten compression sleeve). Of one more kid at the grocery store asking his mother in a loud voice "What's the matter with that lady over there?" Of all the extra fuss of traveling with your garments and your stash of antibiotics, and having to be singled out going through security. Even the dread of a gathering of fellow bc "survivors", because the greeting you'll invariably get when you show up wearing your garments is NOT the warm smile everyone else gets, but a fearful look and the comment, "Oh, YOU have lymphedema!"

And it takes so much time. Daily self-massage, caring for the stupid garments, checking your skin constantly for signs of infection, daily exercises, measuring and re-measuring your arm to monitor control.

I'm so aware this is not really what you were asking, Kim. And I know to my core you don't want to hear about it. But I want so much to protect you and all the others here, because there are steps you can take to reduce your risk of ever having to deal with this, and it's really unlikely anyone else (like your doctors, for instance) is going to tell you this.

So please know that every one of us who have undergone bc treatment is at risk for lymphedema for the rest of our lives, even if it was a prophylactic mastectomy with no nodes purposely damaged and no radiation. And then please go read the Position Papers at the National Lymphedema Network web site, especially the ones about Exercise, Air Travel, and Risk Reduction: www.lymphnet.org

And be well!

Binney 

OH THANK GOD SOMEONE ASKED. I'm a mess. An emotional puddle that won't dry up. Everything has changed and maybe I mourn that, but I realize change happens every day. It's like my rational brain and my emotional brain are battling for control in my head and I can't THINK - there's hardly any room left. I cry with little provacation, constantly on the edge. Reading anything is difficult, I have ZERO attention span. Don't want to go to work, don't want to cook, clean, have sex, drive, watch tv. There's nothing that I have any passion about and I want it back so badly. I want to be back in the world of the unknowing.

I've been going to counseling since Oct. She is a survivor so she gets it, but I swear 50 minutes flies by and I can't seem to get past some undefined line and really get into why this breast cancer has consumed my mind, controls my emotions and is basically ruining my life.

Another member told me to lighten up, it was only DCIS, and I KNOW how fortunate I am, just skipping along the surface of the giant ocean of BC. But my lumpectomy site is painful everyday, whether I bump it or leave it alone, it pinches, or burns enough that I have to stop what I'm doing and give in to it. Since the surgery, since the awful radiation, it is uncomfortable every single day. I had one mammogram since, and got an all clear. the cancer doctors pretty much blow me off, after all I still have two breasts.

They were both quite large to start with. Now, one is a DD and the other is a C, plus ther's a prominent scar and decent dent. I am the opposite of vane, yet, it's very noticible to me and anyone who sees me exposed. When I see myself, bathe or touch it, I want to cry.

See? I've turned into a big ole' cry baby who takes pain pills and antidepressants. WHO the hell is this?

KP1970,

My biopsy was on 3/15/2007, and that is the day that I celebrate as my anniversary since that is when my surgeon 'took it out'.  So it has not been much longer than a year...14 months. 

I have been very depressed, and even have tried to stay away from the boards for a few days, but I can't seem to stay away for long.  I probably won't go back on all weekend.   I know that Tamoxifen causes depression, and I just can't stand the thought of life continuing like this...  day after day... month after stinking month, for at least two maybe three years of Tamoxifen, with hot flashes, insomnia, and depression!! 

So, I guess the answer would be NO...  I just had my nipple surgery just over a week ago, and I wonder if this may have been the catalyst that started the sad feelings again.  That, and starting this new job that I hate...

Good Luck!  Hang in there, I hear it gets better... but I wonder...

Harley

OK, so we survived the weekend and I came to work on Monday.

I get up every day, that's really a marked improvement. And I actually did some stuff this weekend. Planted some annuals - that always makes me happy and it certainly helped this time.

It really helps to get feedback and hear from you. Just knowing that I'm not the only one with heavy, unexplainable and yet unresolved emotional issues is somehow comforting. I mean, I'm very compasionate for anyone dealing with the big C and it's aftereffects, sometimes after Shocks.

It seems like the more we learn, the more frightening the way we are treated is. I felt like I was pushed and pulled around that hospital with a leash doing what all the doctors said, taking their Nuclear Medicine and they were all nice enough, seemed knowledgeable enough. I read a lot, but didn't really research, being blindsided just by the dx made it easy for them to lead me. After surgery and radiation, the idea of getting on Tamox or any after drugs was over the top for me. If it (dcis) was such a little thing, and caused such big reactions I really didn't see the need to inflict 5+ years of suffering in order to prevent what they removed, then burned out any possible remaining microscopic bits. Instead, we are reading about diet changes and supplements to prevent more, but it's still THERE, in my brain. And the effects of surgery and radiation are still happening. 

Yeah, Snap Out Of It. I believe that's what everyone else expects. "Hey, you had surgery, it's over, the C is gone. Move on, c'mon, let's go. do. be."  And I live in slow motion, watching the living, wondering where all the time is going. 

I expected this to be a life-changing event. Maybe even in a warped kind of way actually looking forward to the spark to change.  But it's like watching for lightening in a storm... the light is there, must be.. there.... over there.. no, there.... wait, oh, it passed on by.  I keep waiting for the Event to be over, so I can live the new me, the "changed for the better me". But I'm slowy sinking, not rising up to meet the challenge. I'm still above water, but barely. Guess that's going to have to be enough for now, keep my head above water and be glad I haven't drowned.

The silver lining is there, I try so, so hard to see it, to know it, to be a part of it. I KNOW my head is above water and I can swim. I just don't really want to right now and I REALLY don't want anyone telling me what to do.

Oh my goodness.  I am quite relieved to read that what I've been going through is not all that unique.  I was sort of thinking of myself as a bit of a head case.

My 2 year anniversary/all-clear mammogram was in April (following a lumpectomy/rads).  I was in grad school and working part time when diagnosed, so it was really pretty easy to lose myself in work and to play the overachieving brave girl role.  After I finished school (May of last year), the fear hit me like a ton of bricks.  Coincidentally, there were several health issues which appeared over the summer (oral and skin lesions needing biopsy, back pain needing bone scan), which really made things much more scary for me.  I was fully upright, functional and outwardly doing semi-OK, but inside I was a mess...really obsessing over recurrence.  Fortunately, all was well with all those studies.

I don't think I understood that what was going on was sort of a delayed reaction; a tearful trip to my oncologist yielded a recommendation to seek therapy which was really so helpful.  I was able to more quickly move toward a place of perspective than I could have done all by myself.

At this point, bc does indeed cross my mind pretty much every day but rarely dominates my thinking.  Normal aches and pains don't throw me into a tizzy.  I do get pretty nervous right before appointments but it's not debilitating and I think that's a normal reaction. 

I'd say that my number one problem at this point is coming to terms with the interpersonal issues that arose and still persist, particularly at work (although I do acknowledge that a lot of it has to do with my resentment for unmet expectations...in other words, more my problem than anyone else's).  Sigh.  

One more thing...in this case, size DOESN'T matter ...just because it's DCIS or a small tumor isn't the issue. We're all wired differently and no two people will experience this the same way.  

Thanks so much for reading this.