feeling depressed.... taking a break.

Harley44 · May 2008

Harley44 · May 2008

Hi ya'll...

Thanks everyone for being such a great source of information and a wonderful support system for me, while I was undergoing my tx. These threads, especially, helped to make me smile, on days when I was feeling down.

But, now I am dealing with some really deep depression, and nothing seems to help. So I think I'll take a short break, and try to get myself together, because this deep depression is interfering with my relationship with my dh... we are fighting all the time, and he just really doesn't understand. He keeps saying, "You are finished," You should be happy! Yes, this nipple surgery was my last surgery, God willing, but I am dealing with some feelings that I don't even understand... Maybe after going through over a year of dr. appts., tests, surgeries, and chemo...I'm finding that I am emotionally empty.

Thanks for listening. You've been just great friends!! I'm glad I found this group! I wish you all much luck, and much happiness, and health, too, with the beast to never darken your door again!

Harley

smithlme · May 2008

Harley,

I completely understand your needing a break and the depression. You have been on an emotional roller coaster and need to take time for you. I've been going to a BC support group in a town near by and it has helped me to get some of my issues out and to go home with a different attitude. I feel that all I know how to talk about any more is Cancer. The me of 14 months ago seems to be long gone.

Take all the time you need to spend on you. Relax, breathe, and get to know Harley, again. You have been a wonderful friend to so many, including me, and your humor and insights have been fantastic. Take care, dear friend...

Linda

Anonymous · May 2008

aww Harley,

I'm sorry to hear you're taking a break, especially when it seems like you need our wonderful love and understanding the most. Of course, we need you, too! If you really think it's best, please don't stay gone too long! You brighten up our days and we love you!!

Miss S

Anonymous · May 2008

Harley

Im sorry to hear your having a hard time, but you've been through ALOT girl!!!!

Take all the time you need to get yourself back to where you want to be and things back on track between you and your husband...

Just know that some of us and this site will always be here if you need us...

Best wishes and many hugs

Jule

Anonymous · May 2008

(((Harley)))

I'm sorry to hear that you are so depressed...I've been there before (major depression) and I understand the hopeless black pit...

I have faith in you that you know what to do to help yourself, and you are obviously taking steps to do that.

Know that I am, and we are, here for you and thinking about you and sending you lots of emotionally healing energy.

Be gentle with yourself...you've been through so much and your past year has been completely focussed on your health. Now that you're done (!) you need to reacquaint yourself with "yourself" and start a new beginning.

Sorry...I read back and it sounds like preaching (I can hear the violins...) but it's from the heart!

Take care of you...

Nurture your spirit...

All will be well!

Peggy

sam408 · May 2008

(((Harley)))

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, but it's so understandable after the year you've been through.

I took a break last year after I finished my first tx because, even though the women on this site have helped me through so much, coming to it everyday was keeping me from moving on. And me not moving on was definitely having an effect on my marriage, so I can understand where you're coming from on that one.

When I had to start treatment again, this was the first place I came. Everyone here is so wonderful and helpful - you included. I don't know how long I'll stay this time, but right now talking about my treatment and hopefully helping others just starting their journey is exactly what I need.

Hang in there girl. Be good to yourself and know someone is always here for you if you need a shoulder or a big cyberhug.

We'll miss you.

Hanna60978 · May 2008

Sierra · May 2008

Harley:

I am sorry to hear this

but.. it does happen

It happened to me when I finished

so..

had to take counselling and anti-deps

and change a few things in my life

like some boundaries with certain people

etc.. and I had a lot of mixed feelings

about life

I am sending you a

giant BOUQUET OF HUGS...

may they reach and touch you

today..

Hoping and KNOWING

YOU WILL find your way

in time

Be good to Harley

much love

Sierra

Calif-Sherry · May 2008

Harley, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. It's so scary now that you're done with everything. I have had EIGHT surgeries since October '06. Just had, hopefully, the last one 1 1/2 weeks ago. I've had to change practically everything about my life (job, boyfriend, way of thinking). And, I still ask the question, why me; what did I do to get this gawd awful thing????

But, I tell you what..... Hang around those good friends who love you because you're you! Even, when you're not on the top of your game, they still love you. There's nothing like girlfriends.

Also, when you walk aside today, look up into the sun, and say "God, thank you for this day!" We love you...

TenderIsOurMight · May 2008

I've enjoyed you so, Harley, and understand fully. There is a time and place for everything, and if and when you wish to return, you know how.

Please know how closely held you and all my sisters (and brothers) are who live through this disease. I myself have never "thrived" through it, but I've given it my best, as I see all the others are too.

Peace to you, Harley.

Tender

LisaSDCA · May 2008

Harley, I am so sorry you are suffering. Gonna miss you girl.

What Hanna said? From me, too - You betcha.

I see a counselor about every six weeks. We don't solve anything, but I still feel better having spoken with her and I see clearer for having had her perspective. The traumas to your body are bound to affect your state of mind. I hope your are able to find a calm place for them both.

Come back soonest!

Lisa

NaughtybyNature · May 2008

Harley... my other Carolina neighbor ;-)...

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

I w/ send you an e-mail.

Love, lots of it,

Lilia

Harley44 · May 2008

Aww.... Thanks, everyone!

I don't think I could do the 'counseling' thing, cause I can't understand talking to a complete total stranger, who is only listening cause I'm paying him...

But thanks for all the advice! I know I'll get through this somehow.

I went to work today at 1:00pm, and helped to unpack some new merchandise, and price it. I was trying to stay out of the way, since the way I'm feeling today I just felt like that... like I am in the way. So everyone made a fuss about me falling off the chair! I was so embarrassed! Embarassed

Thanks everyone... you have been my lifeline through my tx, and I'll never forget you.

Harley

Harley44 · May 2008

Oh, I also wanted to thank each one of you personally for all your help!

I know that we each have our own road to travel, and some are bumpier than others. I'll be thinking of you all, and praying that your road is smoother, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel... I know there is, sometimes the clouds just get in the way!

Take care!
Harley

Harley44 · May 2008

Aww.... Thanks, everyone!

I don't think I could do the 'counseling' thing, cause I can't understand talking to a complete total stranger, who is only listening cause I'm paying him...

But thanks for all the advice! I know I'll get through this somehow.

I went to work today at 1:00pm, and helped to unpack some new merchandise, and price it. I was trying to stay out of the way, since the way I'm feeling today I just felt like that... like I am in the way. So everyone made a fuss about me falling off the chair! I was so embarrassed! Embarassed

Thanks everyone... you have been my lifeline through my tx, and I'll never forget you.

Harley

althea · May 2008

I hope you feel better soon harley. I also hope you'll miss this place and come back right away.

fwiw, the immediate aftermath of treatments can be just as difficult as the treatments themselves. It was for me anyway. I had told myself many times that it wasn't enough for me to get through bc. I wanted to get through it and then get OVER it. Chemo/surgery/rads consumed all of '05. I didn't really begin to start feeling like myself again until this year. I don't want to sound discouraging, knowing that you're ready to feel better NOW, but just know that it can take some time. A good counselor could hasten your recovery time. Just being aware of how our disease and the treatments can cause ptsd is helpful in getting through this. That is part of what a counselor can help you with. Best wishes to you.

my3girls · May 2008

Harley,

((((Harley)))). I hope you find time to start feeling better again. Everything you and all of us have gone through, is such a difficult road, and we all have to deal with it in our own way. Take the time you need. Are you on any antidepressants? I didn't want to go on any meds for it, but after my reconstruction surgery..I was so depressed and blue..that I asked for something. I have been on the effexor hr since March...and my goodness...what a difference. I don't think I could have done it alone. I feel so much happier and upbeat.

I wish you all the best. I will miss seeing you around here. You do whatever it takes to heal and feel happy again.

xoxo

Lisa

Harley44 · May 2008

I know I said I was taking a break, but just had to check in one more time, and glad I saw your posts...

No, I am not taking anti depressants. I took Effexor for about 6 months, but my onc took me off, since they may interfere with the Tamoxifen. I believe the Tamoxifen is the reason I am feeling such utter despair recently... but what can I do? I have to take Tamoxifen, no matter how awful it is...

Thanks again everyone... I will miss you all!!

Harley

Hanna60978 · May 2008

OK Harley I think you should take a break but come back just to talk or play one of the games or just jump in to a thread whenever you feel like it. Any old time at all. This isn't a job here, but I know you know we worry about girls we miss seeing for awhile. So, let that pressure be off your shoulders! Take away the feeling of having to check in and just be spontaneous! You can drop in whenever you feel like it and don't when you can't. Just keep it easy honey! Nothing will be lost. We're still your friends, even when you're away. No one will panic if you're offline. So don't worry! You don't have to think of this as burning your bridges behind you....you can think of it more like you're just crossing over the bridge. We will too. Bridges are meant to be used to get back and forth.

I hope your nip is healing up well and you get to take one of your trips to that little beach town you like. Weather's getting so nice too. Later tater!

hanna

sueper13 · May 2008

Harley,

Sorry you are feeling what you are feeling. You will know what is right for you to do. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers for healing in your life.

Love,

Sue

AnneW · May 2008

Hey, Harley, take the time you need to get away from here and breathe. We'll miss you, but will keep the light on for you.

Just remember, this place is like The Hotel California--you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave!

Big hugs,

Anne

Anonymous · May 2008

Harley: Take a break if you need to, but please dont go - we will miss you.

Nicki

Harley44 · May 2008

AWWW... thanks, everyone!

Hanna, I think I have become addicted to this site, and I can't stay off for long, so I am sure I'll be back for occasional pop-ins! It is good to know that I'll still be welcome!!

Sue, thanks for the prayers! I believe that it's the prayers that got me through to this point, and prayers will get me through this depression, too.

AnneW, you are too funny! Yes, it does seem that way, once we

check in here, we can't leave...we are forever changed by our bc experience, and really, only the women here truly 'get it'.

Nicki, Thanks! I won't be gone long...and I still may pop in occasionally, while I'm trying to get through this sadness that keeps gnawing at my heart...

Harley

Miss_Lolli · May 2008

Harley, I went through the same thing after chemo, when I totally expected to feel thrilled at finishing that step. So, I know where you're coming from. Socializing is the LAST thing on your mind.

You will be missed, but hopefully not for long, I pray the se's will ease up soon and your mood will lift some. Depression is awful to deal with, and we all have plenty of reason to have a little extra.

Of course your hubby can't understand where you're coming from. I hope you don't let this add to your despair. I've had times where I've doubted other's love because they aren't "getting me" and then realized I wouldn't have gotten myself last year at this time.

Anyway, take your time, pamper yourself, and come visit us on the tamox thread, or wherever you have the urge to pop in, just whenever you feel up to it.

BIG HUGS!

Jaybird627 · May 2008

(((Harley)))

Be good to yourself and come back whenever you want to!

nash · May 2008

Big hugs to you, Harley. Hope you feel better soon--we'll miss you!

Anonymous · May 2008

Harley, sweetie, as you know my family has been here this weekend. Thus, I just say your thread. Take the time you need. We ALL love you. I will call you later. Call me if you need me. You can cry on my shoulder anytime you want. I'm big enough to take it. You've seen me, so you know. LOL Little Harley and gigantic Shirley. Take care of yourself, and I hope to see you soon.

Shirley

takingcare · May 2008

Harley,

I don't normally travel to this area very often (although maybe I should), but I saw your post listed under active conversations and so here I am.

This journey has awakened emotions in me that probably never would have otherwise. Prior to BC, I'd never say no to a favor or request, never walk away from a job I didn't enjoy, never admit the word stress even existed in my vocabulary...let alone my everyday life. As a very young mom, I always had something to prove, and prove I did...but maybe at a price.

Since BC, my whole perspective is different. Could it be age and maturity? In part, yes. But, I believe this whole experience has changed my way of looking at things. Now, if someone asks a favor, I will do what I can, but let go of the rest...without feeling guilty. If my job is causing me to loose sleep (and it did), I'll move on, for it is no longer worth the stress.

You will find your zone again, it just takes awhile. You have just had surgery, yet again, and God willing, it is the end of that chapter. Allow yourself time to heal. Then you can regroup and focus on where/what you want to do next. I know, if you are anything like me, we were most likely standing in the Conquer the World line when God was handing out Patience, but good things do come to those who wait...so rest, my friend (I sound like John McCain), turn this over to God and come to this board for support, cheer, encouragement, humor, or even to to vent...whenever you feel you want to.

I've always been uplifted by your posts and kindness. Please know that you can pm me anytime, anyplace, anywhere and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

Take care and blessings always,

Michelle

samon · May 2008

Big hugs and best of luck to you. I can understand wanted to get away from it all for a while. I feel the same way too. Sometimes our hubbys just don't understand how emotionally draining this all is. Life goes on for everyone else, but we never forget all we have been through.

WellWater · May 2008

Harley - I'm going to miss you but I definitely understand your need for a break. Depression is a serious thing and needs to be dealt with - I understand your reluctance to talk to a stranger but sometimes that's what it takes......don't close to door to anything that might help.

Are you on any AI's? I keep reading how they can suck the life out of you.

I hope things will get better and you'll pop in to say "I'M BACK".

((((((((((((Harley))))))))))))

Trina

feeling depressed.... taking a break.

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