MOJO Without Matrimony!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Oh, Rose, I'm SO sorry that he turned out to be a real shithead! Damn! It's like a freakin' epidemic, or so it seems to me. The guy I was with from mid-treatment throughout the following 2 years was alot like your guy only he didn't need alcohol to be blatantly disparaging and condescending. But, unlike you, I stupidly put up with his crappy remarks, hoping that he'll soon realize how terrific I am and then all will be quite heavenly. Obviously, that didn't happen and last July, after 6 tries, I finally broke up with him for good. We have enough self-image issues after chemo/surgery/rads/hormonal therapy, we certainly don't need a companion who makes us feel even more un-sexy or undesireable!

    So I feel for ya, girl. Hang in there. Give it some time and amybe get motivated to look for an interesting temp job or just another interesting hobby and, when you're ready, check out www.plentyoffish.com. It's free and has yielded an entire boatload for me (of course, I threw all of them back, but some were tasty for a short while Wink!)!

    ~Marin

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Rose....I'm sorry that he treated you that way. Better to let him go now then have him become violent down the road.

    Any man that talks to a woman like that is: NO MAN AT ALL!

    I see this all the time in my line of work. A woman will tell me: He never hit me before - he just said means things to me.

    That is how it starts. Time to move on BABE!

    Marin...my friend... so your MAN is coming home? What you gonna do...huh huh huh...remember out motto; BE BAD - BE REAL BADKiss

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Rose,

    I so mad at your LD creep!!!!! I dont even want to write about him!!!!!

    The good thing that I see here is that this happened before you packed up and headed 1/2 across the country to be with him....I know words are extremely hurtful but Im thankful that he wasnt able to physically hurt you as I suspect he might be likely to do....

    As Pepper said.....he is in NO WAY a man!!!!!

    Hugs

    Jule

  • rockwell_girl
    rockwell_girl Member Posts: 1,710
    edited May 2008

    I ladies I'm the one looking for a toy and I had a friend send me this link...

    http://www.conezone.info/about_cone/using_cone.asp

    Have any of you heard of this one...some of the reveiws sounded good : )

    so many chooses out there ; )

  • LorenaB
    LorenaB Member Posts: 937
    edited May 2008

    WildRose, I'm so sorry your guy turned out to be such a creep.  Wow, that's just awful -- after all the nice stuff he's said to you, his real nature comes out.  At least you discovered it now and not later -- but it must be really disappointing to you, since you were looking forward to seeing him.  I know you've had a particularly hard time with se's from chemo and it seemed like he was one of the lights at the end of the tunnel. I'm so sorry it didn't work out that way.  As I said before, if you get the job in New England I will be sure to take you out for a drink -- can't promise there will be any hot guys in the bar but at least we'll be able to toast to hair regrowth by then.

    I told my dbf the other day that after all the $hit I've gone through with chemo over the past few months, dealing with being bald every single day and looking ahead to a scary surgery, I desperately need something to look forward to.  So far he has not stepped up to the plate to plan something FUN we can do together.  Argghhh, men.

  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited May 2008

    (((Rose)))

    I've been off the boards for a few days and just tonight read this. As the others have stated, better to find out his 'true' self now rather than later. You have a lot top offer so don't sell yourself short.

    As much as I really want to be in a relationship I am SO jaded that I only date younger men, men who have (seemingly) less issues than those my age, and those who are only looking for fun. I don't trust men and feel a lot better about them when I'm the one who's in control of th situation. There's always someone out there to play with!

  • Miss_Lolli
    Miss_Lolli Member Posts: 560
    edited May 2008

    Hmmm Sandy, picture 11 looks mighty fun! What clever advertising too. Let us know if you try this one out, or which you decide on.

    Rose I'm just so sorry. I hope you're doing okay and PLEASE don't put any blame on yourself for this one. You are totally innocent and blameless, keep that in mind. What kind of crazy offers you his home and then admits he wants to hurt you? Wow...that's troubled. But you were too far away to know it, and Thank God!  Hugs to you and hope you're able to happily move on to better things.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Jay

    I completely understand what you are saying.....Im pretty scared of commitment myself....way too much water under that bridge for me to feel comfortable with it...

    Im kind of where your at right now too.....dont want anything other than a friend with beni's....

    Im really upfront with that so it seems to weed out alot of the guys that I would potentially date because they want more. I just think its better to be upfront with it because I would never want to hurt anyone but they guys around here are all looking for something permanent.....I suppose if I happen to stumble on the right guy I might consider it but it would take ALOT and on heck of a guy to do it for me...

    Hope at aleast one or two of us in the group are doing something this long weekend...Im working around home trying to catch things up a little so no play for me...

    Jule

  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited May 2008

    Unfortunately I'm still having a dry spell! Frown

    I went to the local sex store yesterday looking for the Laya Spot but they don't carry it. I've seen it on-line but the color I want is sold out! I did see a new vibrator at babeland that is cuming (Wink) out in June and it's sounds fantastic but it's $185!!! I could get a date cheaper than that, even paying a babysitter! Oh, if I only had some disposable income.....

    So, more gardening I suppose! I got a few seed packets today along with some tomato cages so I'll be out in the garden as soon as it stops raining. I think I need to dig out the eroscilator afterwards. Laughing

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Hellooooo, my chicas! I've had a nice-ish weekend, but definitely no nookie....yet. I had actually convinced myself that P. would probably just forget me while he was in Russia with all those gorgeous women (and if you know any Russian women, you know I'm not imagining that!), so I had started corresponding with another guy online just to keep my options open. I knew he was returning today and thought that if he did remember me, I wouldn't hear from him until mid-week at the earliest, after his jetlag cleared. So imagine my surprise when an email popped up last night. It said 'Hi from Russia' and he was emailing from the airport. Huh. I replied of course. Then another email this morning...from the London airport. Then another when he got home as well as a voice mail (I was out with friends). I called him back and I gotta say....even his voice excites me! He was full of talk about his experiences and we didn't want the conversation to end. We plan to have dinner on Wednesday and I'm making dinner at my place for him next weekend. YAY...I'm psyched!

    I'm feeling the heat, my girls, I'm feeling the heat! But, I will say that I am definitely looking for more than benies, y'all. I can get that with my boy toy anytime and it's just not enough anymore. I really, really want a companion...someone to share everything from crazy-wild fun times to lazy days and nights and, well of course, intensely HOT, HOT SEX! Yes, I'm aiming for the whole enchilada....and I sure hope that he has a big, tasty one Surprised Wink!!!

    ~Marin

  • rockwell_girl
    rockwell_girl Member Posts: 1,710
    edited May 2008

    Marin I'm really happy he pulled through and contacted you right away : - )

    Have fun and enjoy the rest of the long weekend...

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Marin babe,

    Nothing wrong with looking for the whole package - lazy nights and hot sex is what makes the world go round. Shot for what you want and then don't be afraid to ask for it. You deserve to have the right man and the right life.

    And so I say, "Remember that sex is easy - love is worth it!"

  • Miss_Lolli
    Miss_Lolli Member Posts: 560
    edited May 2008

    Wow Marin! Sounds like he couldn't wait to contact you at every opportunity. How nice that he thought of you during his pitstops. And any guy who is planning two dates at a time, well that's a telling sign of how into you he is. Sweeeet!

    Mmmm enchilada sounds tasty. lol

  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited May 2008

    Rose - oh, hon I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. The betrayal of your hopes and beliefs about this guy is just unconscionable. But then, apparently he is a person of few scruples. No wonder he cannot 'get any' and must resort to portraying himself falsely at a distance. Thank the good Lord for the effects of alcohol in allowing you to discover his true nature before you got even further invested in this relationship. I know that does little to ease the pain you are feeling now, but at least you can lick your wounds in your own home, not in a battered women's shelter, far away from all that is familiar and comforting to you. And we, your sisters, are here for you.

    As much as this on-line dating thing can be fun, it can also SUCK, as Rose's experience illustrates. When one can learn a potential mate's nature slowly and through genuine interaction - see how he treats his momma, meet his friends, learn his work habits. . . all of these are telling character traits that you cannot ever know through email, IM'ing or even hours on the phone followed by romantic dinners and hot sex.

    I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud or a prude Innocent but I hate to see my sisters suffer with men who are not worth their attention. Any man I had not even met who suggested the pencil test to me would get a response suggesting a tape measure, his cock and 9" and then never hear from me again. I love sex, I love sex-play, I love sex-talk - but I also need respect from a man before he becomes my partner. For that matter, I need to respect him, too.

    Yes, even my boy-toy who is more than a decade younger than I and with whom I have no real relationship - we've been seeing each other for years and can talk for hours before hopping into the sack. I care about what he says, he hears me out. There's trust there.

    My own best friend met her husband through a Christian dating site, so I know there are thousands of happy endings. I also know from personal experience that some men will fly 3000 miles for a chance to get laid (it is amazing, isn't it?!?).

    I just want us to be careful out there.

    And remember Marin, you were going to take this one s l o w  Wink

    Then be bad.

    Lisa

  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited May 2008

    Great advice, Lisa! I used to so undervalue myself but since BC I just appreciate myself more and finally respect myself enough to (mostly not) compromise my wants and beliefs.

    I have a lot of men who want to meet me but I cannot pay a babysitter and have to rely on my mom which is sometimes a burden to her so I'm thinking that if they REALLY want to go out with me they should pay for a babysitter, right? I do believe that's what men did for my mom way back in the 60's. Any thoughts?

  • Miss_Lolli
    Miss_Lolli Member Posts: 560
    edited May 2008

    I forgot we had promised pics. I don't have anything super current, so I just added a myspace link to my signature where there's a  pre-bc (ironically enough, I had just gotten my hair cut "short" and had been crying about it for a month hmmmm lol) some a couple months old with new hair and some right after rads with my wig.

    Right now I'm in between crew-cut and grown-out, so it's just not very interesting. Although I will say I went from stick straight to almost 'fro-ish. It's quite disconcerting when I look in the mirror, but also kinda fun.

    PS...myspace is kind of boring, as I'm a techno-tard. lol

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Lori,

    I was just looking at your myspace thingy...I dont do the myspace and am not sure Im on the right page...that thing says your 77 yrs old!!!! NO WAY lady......if thats true then I want some of what your having.....You look wonderful!!!!! I can only hope to look 1/2 (or less) as young as you do!!!!!

    I cant find the other pics you talk about in your post here but I do see the one with the girl in the white sunglasses....am I on the right page??? Sorry, Im a baby when it comes to myspace and have no idea how to move around there...I clicked on something and it said I had to be logged in...

    Jule

  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited May 2008
  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited May 2008

    Well, I am once again traveling so no possibility for any mojo until this weekend. Frown Now all I have to do is find someone to be with this weekend - IF I can get my mother to babysit!!!

    I sure do hope some of you other ladies are getting some because I sure haven't in a looooooong time!

  • Miss_Lolli
    Miss_Lolli Member Posts: 560
    edited May 2008

    Oh you guys I'm soooo sorry! LMAO! That was totally a joke because seven is my favorite number and I didn't want to put that I'm 45. Sorry for the confusion. I didn't think about people looking at it who didn't know me. Embarassed  I feel so silly now!

    Jule, you're on the right page. That's my daughter and myself at a luau.  There should be a place to click on it says "view my pics" underneath that picture. But maybe you have to sign in (basically just give your email and a password I think, you don't need to do your own page).

    I hope you can find something fun to do this weekend Jaybird.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Lori...you are tooooo adorable! Is that last pic a wig also (the one with wings) or is that new hair? I knew, btw, that you were kidding about being 77, but unless others can see all of your pics, it IS confusing. I have a MySpace logon, so I saw the others too. Niiiice!

    Jay...I won't be getting any this weekend, but I'll have a chance to lay the foundation...to get laid. I'm going out with P. tonight to an exciting new Mexican fusion restaurant and then making him dinner at my place on Saturday. I'm still feeling sort of shy or something with him and also very fluttery and stuff, so I wouldn't be comfortable (at all) jumping into bed with him quite yet. Besides, I really don't want this relationship to be just zeroed-in on sex, as much as I adore it. I've never "waited" before, so I have no idea when one knows its the right time. Can anyone who has had a healthy relationship (now that would totally leave me out of the count!) tell me how you knew when the time was right for sex?

    I feel like I'm back in freakin' high school, but back then it was all about peer pressure and curfews!

    ~Marin

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Marin,

    You will know when it is right - you will feel it. Don't put pressure on yourself to anticipate the exact day and time - just follow your gut babe.

    I waited an entire year before I was intimate with my now separated hubby....and even though we are no longer together we still have a very healthy relationship. He has never said an unkind word to me, never raised his voice and always respected my individuality.

    Request all those things not only from yourself but from your SO as well and you will see once confidence is instilled in you - you will project that outwardly to others.

    Have a nice dinner tonight and this weekend!!!! My chica friend

  • Miss_Lolli
    Miss_Lolli Member Posts: 560
    edited May 2008

    Thanks Marin! You're too sweet. I haven't had a ton of healthy relationships, but I know one thing....too much emphasis either way is probably bad. Too soon so the focus goes there...as you know...bad. But, I have also waited so long (because I enforced some specific time constraint instead of going with my gut) that it caused a case of terrible "stage-fright" that I almost couldn't overcome....also bad. LOL  So....just wait until you feel TOTALLY comfortable with it, and then, go for it girl!

  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited May 2008

    Thanks everyone for your comments and such. Don't kick me (yet), but I've sort of taken him back. But he's on probation. I don't know why I do this!

    He said (we were on IM, as usual),

    "I was way too rough on you, and I'm really sorry.  was in a terrible, toxic mood that evening. I have an inferiority complex, it got out. There it is. To say what I did was dead wrong. I'm sorry. I'm hard on my people and I'm hard on myself. I didn't come across well, add some scotch, and I was a real a$shole. I'm ashamed, [WR]. I'm not like that. I hope that you look at me more than one night of particular nastiness and... what's the word...narcissism. I needed some love and superiority, and I took it out on you, the wrong choice...Needed to feel good, after the 8 years in college and making 1300 a month."

    There was more, but that was the gist of it. He did admit some things I had surmised and it helps to know.

    Will I go to Ohio? That depends on where I get a job for Fall. But I am running out of options. If I don't get a job, Ohio might be my best choice.  

    Am I terribly foolish, or just in love? I'm still looking forward to getting my hands on him.  

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2008

    Oh Rose....sigh....it's so freakin' tough, isn't it? I'm always questioning where that fine line is between being "in love" or even just being a good, kind, compassionate person and being a doormat/fool/pushover. So I don't know. If only men were just...women (emotionally, that is Wink)! I just hate male rage and bravado and I wonder if they're just psychologically inferior beings or simply take even longer to mature than has been popularly thought (like they never mature fully). But then I think of the handful (loose handful) of men I've known who can create a relationship without "slips" in temper. We're always accused of drama and men consistently claim to hate drama queens, but many of them are the biggest offenders and just call it something else. They seems extraordinarily capable of self-forgivness too and their apologies, however elaborate or meager, are offered as though they're etched in gold and as though we couldn't possibly reject them. So, yeah, I don't know. All that I do know is that when my last guy had that initial raging episode and then apologized for it, claiming to have been such a jerk (which melted my heart, of course, and triggered my instant forgiveness), it wasn't too long before it happened again. And then again. The third time was the charm and I got my ass outta there. But I was so surprised and disappointed and hurt. I still am when I think about it.

    We're so screwed, ya know....we can't live with 'em and we can't live without 'em. So cliche, but so true. My advice to you would be to walk away and never look back. But would I DO that? No. I would forgive him and give him another chance.

     Sigh.....

    ~Marin

  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2008

    Thanks, Marin. I can tell you see what's happening, having been there; I'm glad you don't condemn me for it as much as I've even questioned my own sanity about this!

    Yeah, I fell for the apology and his groveling and whatnot. Sad thing is, this is the second time. So if it's three strikes, you're out, he might have one last chance to be a jerk before I drop him completely. If it's going to happen, I hope it does before I leave here and before we meet IRL. I don't want to get concrete proof the hard way.

    I feel like the  moth to the flame. I wish I knew why I keep doing this. 

  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited June 2008

    Uh oh. No one is going to like this but, a leopard doesn't change his spots. I forgave my ex-husb MANY times. The first time he hit me wasn't the last time but the second time was. He was drunk the first time and claimed not to remember but my socking him back left a mark on him so that he didn't forget and boy did I get reminded of it! We got divorced about 2 years after we married and I've never looked back. He's still a loser and is still drinking.

    I now love and appreciate myself and my life more than ever before and will NOT tolerate any crap from any man. That is one reason I don't go out often despite wanting to - so few men are worth the effort.

    The latest one I've been conversing with seemed nice until he hung up on me today! WTF?! We've been trying to meet but I have babysitter issues and will NOT have men over to my home before meeting them elsewhere first and my daughter does NOT come along to any meeting no matter a coffee shop, zoo or wherever so it's been hard to connect with this guy and I thought we had tentative plans for tonight but our signals got crossed and I told him I was frustrated with our conversation going around in circles and had to go before I got even more aggravated.

    He wanted me to come into the city to see him (an hour's drive each way) and I told him if I did that I'd want dinner at the very least and I didn't have the time for that as I'd have to saddle my mom with my daughter for too many hours when she already watches her for 3 full days each week and he got pissed that I wasn't willing to do that so he hung up on me.

    So I proceeded to make a few phone calls to some other men who have been patiently waiting in the wings for me to have some free time! Wink  I SO want a physical and emotional connection with someone but I won't compromise my 'rules' about meeting men. I think I'm at least worth the price of a dinner!

    Just my thoughts for what they're worth.....

  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited June 2008

    Yes, Jaybird, I need to be more picky. I did tell him that if he continues with this behavior, I'm out of here.

    Not sure why I care so much about this guy. I want to see whether this is permanent "leopard spots" or if he's working out his issues. He has been talking more about how he's seeing things about himself that need work. We shall see... sometimes when people really do love but make mistakes and want to change, (he's young so there's room for growth), they change. He has a few weeks to show me what his true colors are like. If the unemployment comes through, my last chemo is June 24. I won't leave here before (probably) mid-July, depending on how I feel.

    If he returns to the old behavior, I drop him.  

    A friend of mine said maybe we just need to take our relationship for a real-life test drive before we will know at all whether it will work. It is easier to say nasty things to someone over Messenger, I would think, than to someone who's in the same room with you and is obviously "real." And if it doesn't work, then I re-pack the car and get the heck out of there. 

    I should add that I honestly don't think he would physically hurt me. I've been giving this a lot of thought, and took a hard look at it. He took a shot at a burglar in his apartment last year -- didn't even come close to hitting him -- and agonized about it for a month. I think he's all mouth, and perhaps we can cure that, I'm not sure. ;-)

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2008

    Rose....

    Im have to agree with Jay.....I would be outta there!!!!!! My ex was never physically abusive but he made up for lost time emotionally and its taken me ALOT to get over some of it...

    I will not and do not tolerate abuse in anyway....

    I do understand you love for this guy and the want to give him another chance and I understand that you feel you would be safew with him so the best I can say is...I hope for the best for you and that he can change for you sake....

    Jay-you are so correct to NOT give in one your rules and values....you are worth WAY more than the price of dinner and some day the right guy is going to see that and be all you want a man to be for you....

    Marin, as the girls have said...you will know when its right....go with your instincts on this and things will be fine....

    Pepper-How you been doing? Getting caught up after working so hard to catch the CREEP!!!!!

    Lori-the advice you gave Marin...makes complete sense in my mind....Im kind of in those shoes with my guy right now too....I want to but something keeps holding me back so it just isnt right yet....he is completely understanding and ok with it as he feels friendship should be first then if things move the other direction it is an added bonsus....

    Well, got really do some work this morning so will hope that everyone has a great day!!!!

    Jule

    Hugs

    Jule

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2008

    Hey Jule,

    Yah well you catch one creep and another one pops up - it's never ending....

    I have made a HUGE decision - I want to remain single! I have no desire to hook up with anyone - male or female. I just want to enjoy my new life.

    So I told Ryan that I think it is for the best that we not see each other anymore. He was upset but took it like a man. And I told Cheryl the same thing. They were both great people but I need my freedom right now!

    How are things with you Jule?

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