American Idol

OMG ROCKTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I just caught your tag line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I think the right person won Idol and for once I didn't bail after the city auditions.  Last night's show was too long though.  I had no idea that was Mike Myers since I came in late.  I was with David A. on the 'huh???" side.  

Bumping on up for our AI club! 

The following (in reverse order, sorry) are taken from my favorite AI blogger, Moraes on TV. 

Idol: The Inaugural Editionf

In his inaugural speech, new president Barack Obama promised us a time of trial. He just didn't tell us it would come so quickly.

Inauguration Day "American Idol" takes us to San Francisco, of which new judge Kara DioGuardi makes such cogent observations as "I love San Francisco," and "Who doesn't love San Francisco?" proving once again why she's such a valuable addition to the show.

Pretty Tatiana Del Toro has taken time off from her other gig as "Rocky Horror Picture Show" Midnight Screening Seat Filler to audition because, she tells us, "I know that I deserve to be the next American Idol more than anyone else."

Dressed in a tight, strapless python-print minidress, to the bottom of which has been attached yards of what looks like mosquito netting, Tatiana explains she deserves to win the singing competition because she is a full time singer, musician, song writer, model, film actor, and assistant director. Plus, she notes, a friend of hers is "one of the world's most powerful psychics," and said she would become one of the 12 finalists.

"I desire to be the next American Idol probably more than anyone has ever wanted anything," she explains. "I know I can do so much good and know it would make my heart complete...[even] if I have to outsing everyone, one by one, on the planet, to get a a record deal."

She hands the "Idol" judges "my press kit" which includes a photo of her in which she appears to be modeling some sort of bustier and garters get-up. "It's naughty," judge Simon Cowell says - his new favorite word this season.

"Thank you," Del Toro gushes.

She sings. Imagine Sarah Bernhardt trying out for "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"I think you would do a lot of things very well, but singing isn't one of them," Simon purrs.

"What kind of a show is this?" judge Randy Jackson asks, rhetorically.

Tatiana begins singing another tune but Simon cuts her off. Tatiana grabs her neck with her hands and closes her eyes melodramatically.

"You can keep doing that 'cause I quite like it," Simon says.

She breaks into song again.

Judge Paula Abdul thinks she's just what the show needs "to color things up."

Kara agrees but Randy hesitates.

"Please, listen to my album," Tatiana begs, her arms flung out in Randy's direction, palms up, like Joan of Arc pleading with a record producer.

"You are wild - and I like it," Randy concedes.

She gets the nod, and Simon makes some crack about how she did not get through "on her vocals," as if having completely forgotten about putting through last week's Nasal Bikini Chick auditioner. Why is Simon acting like she's somehow cheating? It's showbiz, people.

Next: Several discount-furniture-house sofas gave their lives so Dean-Anthony Bradford might have his "American Idol" audition jacket.

This coat is the most amazing thing ever...I don't have to do anything. I can just stand there with the coat and they'll say 'Yes - the coat gets through," the self described "failed entrepreneur" tells host Ryan Seacrest, calling it "the jacket of life."

He's very loud - and very plaid. He does not get a golden pass to Hollywood.

Twenty nine year old Jesus Valenzula says he is "very much a family man" trying to start a "new life" for his family by auditioning on a "family show" that his whole family watches.

He's brought along his two heartbreakingly adorable sons, Jesus Jr. and Gabriel, who wait outside the audition room.

His audition doesn't go well, which is surprising, because he's at least as good as Nasal Bikini Chick, the new standard by which all "American Idol" contestants should be judged.

"Please! My kids are out there waiting for me!" Jesus begs.

Paula tells Jesus to go get his kids. "This will kill me," Kara notes. Goody, we reply.

He brings them in. They are carrying signs: "We Love You Jesus!" And "Make no Excuse, It's Hollywood for Jesus."

Jesus sings some more. He's much better this time.

"What do you think, boys?" Simon asks the sons.

"Hollywood!" suggests Jesus Jr.

"Honestly?" Simon says, incredulous.

"Yes, Hollywood," Jesus Jr. says emphatically.

"I'm not gonna make these kids sad so I'm gonna say 'Yes'," Kara says, resignedly. Ditto Paula and Randy. Jesus is through to Hollywood.

Time for "Idol" to start revving up its weekly sob story. This time it's a story of a guy who has "put his dreams on hold to look after his mom."

Soon we meet Next Year's Scary Idol Auditioner Tragic News Story, Akilah Askew-Gholston. Luckily for "Idol" producers, she's not local.

Akilah is lugging around a wad of rumpled papers showing diagrams of diaphragms, trachea, etc. She is studying them intently,

"This is straight out of health class," Seacrest marvels.

"No, this is off the internet," Akilah replies. She sings a couple notes. "That's a trachea if I ever saw one," Seacrest says. "Tray-shia," Akilah incorrectly corrects him.

The judges want to know about the wad of papers.

"I'm carrying just a few of my songs that I wrote over the past year," she says.

Simon think she has a nice face, adding "you have a naughty face." See what we mean?

At this point Kara, who's been looking at the wad o' papers, blurts out, "She's got a diagram of a body here!"

Akilah sings; Simon pronounces it "horrible." She wants to try another song; the judges cut her off.

"Please, just one more, please. I want to sing the song over," she says.

"I came from the wrong rectum," she adds. Yes, she really does.

Akilah explains she got flustered because she was "hyper to meet famous people...Simon is one of the best producers in Hollywood...Kara, you are one of the best singers. Paula had a hit song out in the early 8o's when I was a child [Oh, snap!], and Randy... was one of the best producers in Hollywood."

When they finally get her to leave the room, she tells Seacrest outside "I shouldn't let Simon, Paula and Randy...iraqtitate me," which we think may have been a tribute to outgoing president George W. Bush.

Another lousy Idolette wannabe later, we meet Adam Lambert, who has been with the cast of the Broadway production "Wicked" but apparently does not currently have a contract because those are the "Idol" rules, right? Yeah.

He sings "Bohemian Rhapsody." Because every season someone has to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody," so why not Adam?

He's good, but Simon accuses him of being "theatrical" which is only slightly less insulting in Simon-world than if he calls you "too Broadway."

They all acknowledge he's a very good singer.

"It's an honor," he tells Paula, kissing her hand. Randy extends his hand for a kiss, but Adam gives it a shake and kisses Kara's instead. We want Adam to win.

And, saving the button pushing for last, 26-year old Kai Kalama has had his life changed since his mother began to suffer from some "seizure disorder," his mom says.

"It's hard for me sometimes to know he's sacrificing things. I'm so grateful to have raised this beautiful son to be the man that is is now," Mom sobs at the "Idol" camera from her home, with son by her side. It's pure Toni Collette in "About a Boy."

"It can be very trying at times, but I love my mom a whole lot," Kai says. "I really wouldn't do it for anybody else."

He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes."

Simon acknowledges he has a "very very good voice" but the personality of "a ship singer" when performing. The other judges agree on both counts but he's through to Hollywood. Simon suggests Kai watch past episodes of "Idol" and pay particular attention to Simon to learn how to exude confidence.

Posted

There's No Place Like Kansas City

The "American Idol" Aspirational Auditions Tour moves to Kansas City. Eleven thousand wannabe Idolettes turn out to audition, including -- just when you thought it was safe -- seventh season finalist Jason Castro, who is accompanying his younger brother, Michael, who's decided to audition this time around.

Courtesy of Fox

But first, Choir Girl Chelsea makes sounds like that of a cat that has gone out for a late night prowl and inadvertently jumped from the observation deck of the Empire State Building. (Which, in one of those incredible coincidences that make covering the TV industry so rich and rewarding, is pretty much how judge Simon Cowell feels about it too.)

Judge Paula Abdul, America's Sweetheart, tells Chelsea to take whatever positive thing she can from the critiques and "do this" to Simon, as she brushes dandruff off her own shoulder.

Simon notes, correctly, that nothing positive has yet been said of Chelsea, so New Judge Kara DioGuardio volunteers that Chelsea is a pretty girl, though not a good singer. That'll have to do.

Ashley Anderson gets sent through to Hollywood after shrewdly picking a Simon Cowell song about footprints in the sand, which sounds like something Simon would mock.

"He said it was a great song -- of course!" Ashley tells show host Ryan Seacrest after it's over.

Casey Carlson gives a nice performance, leading Simon to say he likes her, which Paula seconds. Kara says she sees "a package here" which has already become her trademark cliché just minutes into her second appearance on "Idol." Idol's remaining judge, Randy Jackson, barely has anything to say, though his forehead continues to be flawless.

Big-Hearted Brian says his voice has been operatically trained but he gave it all up two years ago and now wants back in, only as a pop singer. He sounds like an operatically trained Elvis impersonator and a bad one at that, completing the effect with a low-cut T shirt that highlights his chest hair. He's savaged by the male judges and, as he leaves the room, the producers play a bit of Mozart's "Requiem." "Idol" producers are clearly trying to class up the joint a bit this season.

And then: The leap from "Requiem" to some guy sobbing into the camera that he recounts a time when the doctors told him there was nothing they could do for him was, for the "Idol" producers, the work of a moment.

Seacrest promises we'll hear more about Sob-Story Guy throughout the two-hour broadcast.

Seacrest "runs into" last year's "Idol winner David Cook's parents, which drives up the median age of the episode by at least a full year.

A few more lousy singers later, we meet Von Smith, who assures us he attempts to sing things most guys don't, which is never a good sign. He tells the judges he will sing "Over the Rainbow" -- also not good. The judges urge him to reconsider, but he refuses. His performance is total drama, but he actually has a voice. This causes the judges to mull him in slow motion and the producers cut to commercial, but not before Sob-Story Guy returns and Seacrest promises us his is one of "the most heartfelt stories" in "Idol" history.

Back from the commercial break, the judges are still mulling Von Smith. Randy announces the vocals were pretty good. Simon guesses Smith's family loves his over-the-top performances, while Kara wants to talk about his "big instrument," which 18 viewers misinterpret, leading them to start crafting letters of complaint to the Federal Communications Commission. Miraculously, Smith gets sent to Hollywood.

It's time for Michael Castro, who, it turns out, is the more laid back of the Castro brothers. Michael explains it's because Jason is "like girlie and I'm more, like, not-girlie." Michael tells the judges he started singing just 20 days ago, figuring if Jason can sing, he can too. "I'm pretty sure I can," he says in conclusion. He can, kind of, but mostly you want him to advance in the competition to see what the American Idol Makeover Artists do with his pink fauxhawk and pinking-sheared sideburns.The judges feel the same way and send him to Hollywood.

Back to Sob-Story Guy, who moans "We never got to say goodbye."

Vaughn English looks like a banana and is singing an ode to bananas while waving a banana about. "Idol" doesn't need a banana pitchman, Chiquita not being one of the corporate sponsors, so the judges nix him.

Bar singer turned welder Matt Breitzke, on the other hand, does collect a golden ticket to Hollywood. After which a girl calling herself "Jazz," with red and blue hair, demonstrates the judges' point about "Over the Rainbow."

Jessica Furney lives with her crazy, pill-popping grandmother, only not anymore because now she's bound for Hollywood. Ditto the Hollywood thing for India Morrison, though her sister, Asia, is not so lucky.

Jamar the Bartender is "California Dreamin,'" which, despite being "corny," in Simon's words, merits putting him through.

Jamar's best friend is Sob-Story Guy, whose name is Danny Gokey. Danny tells us he was "so close" to not auditioning for "Idol" because of his intense grief. The 28-year-old music teacher can't stop talking about how much he hates talking about his "deep wound." Seems four weeks before the Kansas City auditions his wife died of a heart condition she'd had since birth. She had multiple surgeries, the last of which being when the doctors pulled him in the room and said there was nothing else they could do for him.

"She was my best friend," he says, noting "we never got to say goodbye."

Danny's performance is well received by the judges, who claim he has lots of heart.

"Sophia, this one is for you," Danny tells the camera, speaking to his dead wife. It's already gotten old.

Sensing the episode is lurching toward the morbid, the producers introduce us to Anoop Desai -- Anoop Dawg to Randy -- who appears to be something of a brainiac, though he also appears to have gotten a degree in something related to barbeque. His singing is much better than the judges expect and Anoop Dawg is Hollywood-bound, though Simon complains he looks like he's just come from a meeting with Bill Gates.

Then the entire population of Kansas City breaks out in the song "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours." Including Banana Man.

Andrew Lang makes a bad impression when he sends two faux cheerleaders to warm up the judges. And, though he sings "My Girl," which inspires Paula and Kara to start drawing air-hearts with their fingers, even they vote not to send him through to the next round of competition.

Band director and father of an impossibly cute little girl, Asa Barnes braves a Michael Jackson tune and wins over the judges, because, Kara notes, he has the "whole vibe," which is different than the "whole package."

Michael Nicewonder wants the judges to hear the two songs he's written to his mother and grandmother, which totally creeps out the judges.

Though bubbly Dennis Brigham dupes Randy, Kara and Paula into giving him a thumbs-up, sleepy Mia Conley fails to make the cut, promising the judges "God's going to make you pay for it."

And, because this is the Aspirational Auditions Tour, the Kansas City stop ends with 23-year-old Lil Rounds trying out, in hopes "Idol" can help her, her husband and her three little children recover financially from a tornado touchdown in their town. The judges rave. That includes even Simon, who gushes about how 'retro" and "classy" she is, while Randy plays the You're Like" game, as in "You're like a mixture of Fantasia and Mary J. Blige."

Posted by Lisa de Moraes | Permalink | Comments Comments (10)
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Posted at 2:05 PM ET, 01/14/2009

"Idol" Takes Tumble Despite Addition of Aspirational Bikinis

More than 30 million viewers caught the season premiere of the new "American Idol" on Fox Tuesday, according to early statistics -- making it still the most watched TV series debut this season by many laps.

The kickoff of the singing competition's many promised changes -- including the introduction of a fourth judge, Kara DeAnnoying, the newfound emphasis on The Aspirational, and the introduction of the Talentless Chicks with Lithe Bodies in Bikinis Free Pass -- resulted in about 3 million fewer viewers than had caught last year's Tuesday debut.

Fox will argue the show might have lost more viewers without the introduction of the talentless Chicks with Lithe Bodies in Bikinis Free Pass. Sadly, we will never know.

And because you need to know in order to modulate your level of depression/elation over this year's Tuesday rollout stats, here's a partial Tuesday debut track:

2008: 33.4 million
2007: 37.4 million
2006: 35.5 million
2005: 33.6 million

"Idol" performed exactly as you'd expect a reality TV series to, taking its biggest hits among younger viewers.

Meanwhile, good news for CBS's "The Mentalist" -- this season's one bona fide hit. It clocked 18 million viewers at 9 p.m. Tuesday, right around the time Bikini Chick was making the "Idol" male judges' tongues hang out.

"Idol" Overhaul

What has Fox done to our "American Idol"?

They warned us this season would be more aspirational, less cutthroat, in keeping with the times, but kicking off in Phoenix with Louie Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World" over shots of judge Simon Cowell actually smiling, the traditional Weeping Winners reel --- and a rainbow? Plus: shots of Simon winking. A shot of a huge man in a pink bunny suit picking Simon off the ground in a Big Bunny Hug. The treacle is running in rivers.

Photo: Michael Becker (AP Photo/Fox)

"I am the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard," some wannabe Idolette says to the camera.

"I am a dream," declares another.

"I am a superstar in the making!" boasts yet another.

This show is not about the destination, "it's about the journey itself," host Ryan Seacrest warns.

The've added a fourth judge and now the show looks like "The View." "Idol" newcomer Kara DioGuardi has major recording chops, and was presumed to have been added to ratchet up the Paula Abdul crazy, but, in the first episode at least, she adds little to the returning mix of Abdul, Cowell, and Randy Jackson. As in seasons past, Jackson seems to have had some kind of a makeover -- this appears to be his Botox season.

Fortunately, the "Idol" producers still feel compelled to service fans of the Spectacularly Lousy and the Surprisingly Good Auditions.

Very first seen auditioner of "American Idol '09": Paint-by-Numbers Michael Jackson Guy. Buhbye!

Emily of the So I Will Never Have to Sit in an Office tattoos is made out to be a heartless wench for having left her band to audition for "Idol." "Just forget friendship, loyalty," Simon sneers. Atta boy, Simon!

Crying Rockstar in a Box Guy is next, promising this will either be his Moment to shine (not), or he will, like the comet -- which comet he does not say -- be a bright shining star and crash to the ground. Mostly, he just cries buckets, and sheds his most bitter tears when Whoopi, Elizabeth, Joy, Sherri and Babs don't send him through to Hollywood, despite the fact that he has suffered mightily for his art, having nearly sweat to death in leather pants for a full day in the scorching Arizona sun.

J.B. is one of those good performers you like to see, hoping to make it through to Hollywood because "this is my chance to change my life...to help out the family," but his moment is marred when Fox splashes a Jump the Shark-esque Ford Focus banner across the screen during his segment.

Note to Fox: if you're working that hard to tug at our heartstrings, why would you go and wreck the moment with crass commercial overtones? Have the little Ford Focus car race across the screen when Simon and Paula are arguing. Better fit.

Michael Gurr sounds like a cat in heat; X-Ray leaves all four judges speechless. Perky, good-deed-doing Arianna Afsar is one of a slew of 16-year-olds seen auditioning in Phoenix -- an obvious attempt to beef up the show's dwindling younger audience.

"I think we're going to find some incredible talent here," says New Judge Kara at the start of the second day in Phoenix, making us feel foolish for having said she doesn't seem to be really bringing anything new to the mix.

Elijah Scarlett is lousy, which is too bad, given his stunning deep voice. After that it's Scary Pink Songbook Girl -- who says she's Kara's biggest fan and/or a cross between Hillary Duff and Madonna, which should have set off about a dozen red flags after this year's "Idol" tragedy.

Lovely Stevie Wright sings Etta James, which puts her ahead of the pack, though Simon tells her to "grow teeth" because she's not cruel enough to make it in the biz.

After a huge roughneck guy gets through because he sounds so sweet, it's time for Nasal Bikini Babe -- another "American Idol" first.

The addition of Kara means there's now an even number of judges -- but Simon's vote gets extra weight. This explains why Nasal Bikini Babe is on her way to Hollywood, despite an appreciable lack of singing talent. She does, however, have long legs, and she knows how to wear a very small bikini and tramp things up, prattling on happily about how much attention the get-up has brought her and promising Seacrest she will make out with him if she gets sent through to Hollywood. Seacrest's reaction is something along the lines of "Uh....Idol!"

Simon naturally loves her audition, pronouncing it "beautiful" before it has barely begun, so to speak. Ditto Tweedle Dum Jackson. Kara and Paula naturally disagree and Kara belts out a few bars to show Nasal Bikini Babe how it should have sounded, adding with a head wag, "Honestly, you don't have the chops to sing that song, sweetie."

"But your demonstration wasn't any better," NBB says. Oh snap!

With Simon and Randy both voting "yes," the chick vote doesn't matter. "Next time, come naked," Kara sneers. Nasal Bikini Babe rolls her eyes, as though somehow she's just been insulted.

Outside the audition room, Seacrest asks NBB why she thought the judges put her through to the next round of the competition.

"I think it was my voice. And the bikini."

She then makes out with Ryan, and jumps in the pool.

Something for the chicks: a guy who calls himself Sexual Chocolate, and who Simon insists on calling just "Sexual" as in, "Thank you, Sexual." He's no worse than NBB, but doesn't make it through.

Mixed bag follows, highlighted by Geek Closet Singer, who learned to sing in a moldy closet that made him sick. You can't make this stuff up. He sails through, but is trumped by the season debut's closing Aspirational Act: Scott MacIntyre, who was born virtually blind and is now a pianist and singer. He gets four votes to go to Hollywood after being pronounced "a cool guy."

Anyways, what did you guys think so far?  I, too, was a little confused by the sweetness of the first episode.  I was also totally creeped out by the crazy chick that opened last nights episode (the model/singer/writer/actress/rocket scientist, etc).   Her laugh was so obviously something she rehearsed to herself in her bathroom mirror for months. 

"Giggle, Giggle," (toss hair, toss hair)

"Giggle, GIggle," (play with hair, play with hair). 


FREAK!!!! 

My heart goes out to the guy who lost his wife.  I'm not happy with my favorite blogger for "talkin' smack" about him.  I love all the people who are music teachers and band directors (gosh, I wonder why).  I also like the tattoo/pierced chick.  She had a great voice.