i feel so useless

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dusky_dolphin
dusky_dolphin Member Posts: 8
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
i feel so useless
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  • dusky_dolphin
    dusky_dolphin Member Posts: 8
    edited May 2008
    where do i start!  my mum has just had her opp on monday and is still in hospital. since we found out about the cancer my mum has been very strong and she is the kind of person that "doesnt want any fuss or bother" and doesnt like "cuddles and stuff" but im a very emotional person. in fact i cry at the drop of a hat, which is very hard for me as i just want to hold her forever!!!! we live two hours away from eachother and i have two small boys that my mum says that i "should stay at home and lookafter" when all i can think about is my mum. i find myself crying constantly, not eating and not sleeping at all with worry. i have had a few breakdowns infront of my husband who is very understanding but my heart hurts with every beat at the fact that im here and shes there. i have been up to her but she keeps telling me not to come and to stay at home purely because she worries about me driving so far, allthough ive told my mum that i would drive to the other side of the world for her. im just so upset because she will be starting radio therapy soon and i know what she is going to say. its upsetting me because she dosent want me there allthough i havent cryed or broke down infront of her, ive been the total opposite. i just love her so much and want to be with her!!!
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Hi Dusky,

    You have come to a great place for support.  

    I am sure this is so very hard for you.  I lost my own mom to leukemia 13 years ago, and I was just a college student at the time.  Nonetheless, I would make that two hour drive home every single weekend (even though she insisted I didn't!). 

    Ok, that being said, you all are in a very NEW stage of accepting this new experience of cancer.  Like you said, you cry easily and your mum doesn't.  Keep that in mind for a while, and allow your Mum to "mourn" her old life in her own way. 

    I am very sure that she will come around soon enough, and be able and willing to talk about her cancer.  


    She has been your protector your whole life-of course she is going to try her best to shield you from this horrific cancer, too. 

    Now, I sense that you are worried that you are going to lose your mum so very soon.  I want to assure you that there are plenty of us who get a cancer diagnosis and live to talk about it (I'm one of them!).  We all worry with the first words, "You have cancer," and we all think waaaaay too far into the future and wonder if the cancer is going to take us away. 

    But, there is a point for everyone where we accept what is happening, and then put on our boxing gloves for the battle of our lives.  It's going to take some time, but it will happen. 

    Your husband is a good man, I can tell.  Don't feel badly for crying in front of him.  He knows you are scared, and he wants to protect you, too! 

    When your mum comes around and comes to terms with this, you will be able to drive and see her.  My one bit of advice is this: I was also a person that at first didn't want to tell a soul, refused the help that was offered, and wanted to show the world that this was just a bump in the road for me. 

    But, the people who loved my family and myself?  They didn't listen to me, and they came to us with hot meals in hand.  They cleaned our house without our asking, they shoveled our driveway before we knew they were even there!  People called us from the grocery store and said, "What do you need?" 

    Those actions showed me that it's okay to humble myself at such a horrific time, and that people want to love and support us.  I accepted it. 

    Come here any time when you need support, and feel free to post on other threads.  You may not be the patient, but you are going through this, too.  
    Love and prayers, Deb

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited May 2008

    Dusky

    Dont feel useless....this is very hard on everyone involved with a cancer dx.....

    My daughter was my rock, but I too worried about her and her family.....but I think more than anything I was afraid if I let people do all the cuddles and stuff that it would mean I really was ill....I guess it was my way of keeping my head in the sand....I knew I had breast cancer and what potentially faced my in my future but I didnt want to believe it so I only allowed others to go to appts and be at the hospital during all my surgeries.....things at home I took care of myself....Maybe this is what your mom needs to do....it takes someone awhile to get their mind wrapped around the idea that they have cancer and will be going through treatment...

    I spent much of my time alone because its the way I deal with things. I dont think its because she doesnt want you there at all....I think its because she needs her own time..when she's ready she will let you help....

    The things that my daughter, girlfriend and mom did for me that I greatly appreciated was whenever they would come to visit, they wouldnt ask what I needed they just did things the saw that needed to be done....dishes in the sink, vacuming, laundry...tidy up the house...it was really hard for me to accept help so when they asked Id no so they took it on thier own and I found it easier to accept.

    I think for now the best advice I can give you is to let her have her time...call her daily but let her talk, let her bring up conversations about her cancer or treatment of....it gets extremely tiring to answer questions all the time so I found myself clamming up....

    Im sorry you and your mum have to go through this and you wil find alot of comfort and support on this board so continue to come here and let mom have a break, let us support you so that you will be ready to support her when the time comes cause believe me she WILL need you when she's ready...

    Hugs

    Jule

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  • dusky_dolphin
    dusky_dolphin Member Posts: 8
    edited May 2008

    thank you both very much for your kind advice which i have read over and over. its strange how writeing your thoughts and feelings down to get a reply really does help.

              thank you.

               dusky xx

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