I don't know how to deal
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I've not been able to stop crying since my mum was diagnosed with bc yesterday. I've always been an emotional person and sitting in the doctor's office with her when we were told the news, I did my hardest not to cry. My mum looked crushed but managed to be composed. The moment we left the room and were waiting to see the nurse to set up the appointments, I sat at a place where she could not see me and started crying. There were many people around so I forced myself to stop the waterworks. Just in time too cos the nurse was ready to see us then. Again in the room, I was listening and biting my tongue and trying to think of something else when I started feeling the tears coming on. Amazingly all this time, my mum was calm.
In the cab on the way home, that's when my mum cried. I obviously broke down too but I just could not say anything. My mum's a negative person. She's suffered a few major illnesses these past few years and has been talking about death a lot. Now with cancer, the death talk is back.
I really don't know how to be strong and deal with it and I'm hoping I can get advice from you guys. Since hers is invasive with a lump of over 5cm, a mastectomy will be done. Although we'll only know the results after surgery, my mum is already saying hers will be stage 4 and she'll probably not live for very long.
All this negativity is affecting me but I've just told myself to listen to her cos she's probably confused and needs to vent. At times like this I wish I could harden my heart and not be such a crybaby. I'm not looking forward to the hospital visits. Just today, I've already broken down 5 times. My friends have been saying encouraging things and telling me to be strong. I know they mean well but I'm so glad I found this website cos I need to hear your experiences. I've to say writing all this down feels good, like a release. So please don't be surprised to hear more from me.
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Well, it's good that you have found us, lostsoul. I'm so sorry for your mom's diagnosis and for her being negative, which tends to come from anxiety and is not uncommon to us all but puts extra stress on you, her daughter. Crying is an appropriate release to new, difficult news so no worries with not dealing.
This site is open 24/7 btw.
Tender -
@{{lostsoul}} So sorry @ your mums diagnosis. When you get the path, we can help you understand that. When is she scheduled for surgery, do you know yet? Many of us have been through mastect and made it fine through treatments with rads, chemo, and hormones. She will too. Just stay positive and let her know you are going to support her throughout.
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Thanks for the encouraging words, Tender and wishiwere. My mum's surgery is scheduled for the 28th of May. The days leading to that date is very hard but the anticipation of the results is worse. I can't sleep well and I woke up depressed. My stomach is in knots all the time. I'd gone out with friends last night cos I needed to get away. While I had fun in the beginning, I started having sad thoughts again at the end of the night. I'm trying hard not to fall apart while typing this cos I now have a very sore throat which is probably due to the constant crying. But I shall continue writing and updating here cos I feel it's therapeutic for me.
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My lump was a little over 5cm, and I think even the doctor thought that I would be a stage 4 but I am a stage 3 IDC. I had my scans and all of them were clear, just tell your mom to try not to worry. If you read around the board you will read about many stage 3 & 4 ladies that are doing OK. This is the hard part, after a treatment plan is in motion it will get easier.
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Thanks, Diana. It helps to know you're doing ok. I've shown my mum articles of breast cancer survivors, hoping it'll motivate her. She'll have comments on all of them like 'her lump is not as big as mine', etc. I guess she feels since I'm not the one going through it, I don't know how it feels. Which is true but it also scares me that I also have a high chance of getting it. Again today she said to me 'this is my last year on earth'. Right now I just have to be strong and be a listening ear. The good news is, I've not cried today. I think having a very sore throat prevented me from doing so. But tomorrow when I go back to work, I hope I won't break down when I tell my 2 closest colleagues. Wish me luck.
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Lostsoul, I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. I have yet to tell my daughter because she is emotional. She is strong too but I still worry about her. I have 2 sons and they are a little tougher at least on the outside. I seems like some are stronger like me and some have more distress. I am not saying I am not worried but I trust in God and if it is my time I know I will go to live in heaven with God. If you and your Mom are not religious it may be time to seek it out. It can comfort more than you know. Read your Bible and look for things that tell you Jesus will be with you. Pray too. That comforts me a lot!
gramma23
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Hi gramma23, if your daughter is as emotional as me, I can imagine what she'll go through. But if from the beginning you act positive, it'll lessen her worry. I feel if my mum was not so negative, I might be able to deal with all this better. It's extremely hard to listen to all this death talk. The thing is my mum is an extremely religious person and I'm not so. This is something we've clashed about. She 's always telling me I should always seek solace and have more faith in God but it's taking me some time to get there. I will try again cos that might be the place for me to find peace.
My number one fear has always been losing my parents. My father has been amazingly calm and collected throughout all this. He takes things one step at a time. I wish I were more like him. Instead I just fall apart.
I hope you'll let me know when you've told you daughter. I feel the way you deal with your illness is key to how well she'll cope with it.
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Lostsoul, don't worry about if you cry, its perfectly natural to cry. Your Mom is just going through the process of dealing with her emotions, I'm sure that once her head clears she will kick right into gear.
Everyone deals with dx differently, some fall apart while others look as if it doesn't bother them. I think I can safely say that all of us no matter what stage has fallen apart at some point.
So you & your Mom go ahead and have a good cry, then dry your eyes and come out ready to fight.
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Lost Soul
I'm sorry for your difficult situation, and for your mom. You might check around for support groups. My hospital has them for cancer patients but also for family/caregivers of cancer patients; there is even one for children of cancer patients. We also have an oncology counselor who is very helpful in getting people through some of the rough times - see if there is one in your area. Hope both you and your mom can get some relief from this pain.
Minz
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Hi Diana and Minz, thanks so much for your caring words. I'll definitely check for support groups. I sometimes wonder why I'm such an emotional wreck. Other sons and daughters go through this and they cope with it well but somehow I've never coped well with losses. When I heard the word 'cancer' I immediately thought of death. I guess in that way I'm as guilty as my mum. I remember when my grandma died when I was 14 it took me years to get over it. When my 2 cats died a year within each others', I was a basket case too. Until now I refuse to keep another cat! Sigh... I do wonder what's wrong with me. I hope crying is one of the stages I will overcome. Even though I sometimes wish I were kept in the dark, I'm also glad I followed my mum to the hospital that day. She'd refused to let me go in with her but I kept insisting so she relented. Listening to what the doctors and nurses had to say made me understand the situation and I'm sure that's better than getting the info from my mum only. I'll make sure I'll be there when it's time for the diagnosis.
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At the moment I'm feeling angry. I've been told that I'm not doing enough in prayers and if I did, it'll lessen half my mum's sadness. Now I've been made to feel guilty and that a lot depends on me.
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LostSoul
Im sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with your mums dx...
I understand what you are saying about the negative part of your mum.....I dont deal well with negative at all!!!!
From your words what I see is a daughter extremely concerned about her mum and a mum trying to deal with her own mental issues concerning just being told she has cancer while worrying that her daughter is going to loose it.....she has ALOT on her mind and needs to be able to deal with it in her own way....sometimes people go through stages in dealing with things..Ive seen many people begin their stage in the same negative frame of mind as your mom and once they have a treatment plan in place and the testing is complete they have a total different outlook...
I think the best I can advise right now is for you to allow her to deal with these stages in her own way....she cant do this and be worried about you too...if she doesnt want you to attend appts with her then maybe you should think about letting her do things her way....Im sure she is scared silly at these appts but Im thinking that since she knows how emotional you can be she is thinking she cant handle that and whatever they may tell her all at the same time...she needs to be able to handle things for herself before she can handle them for and from others...
I dont mean to sound harse because Im really not....I speaking from the other side of the fence as a woman who has had breast cancer and had to deal with the entire ball game.....it does a head trip itself on us when we are told we have cancer, but then the next thing that comes to mind is...how is so and so going to deal with this....and the stress level continues to climb....
Im very glad you have found us here because we can be your support or as someone suggested a local support group.....this is going to be hard on you because you want to be there for her in your ways and sometimes those ways arent what the other person needs....
Tons of Hugs to you for being such a wonderful, loving daughter...
Jule
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Hi Jule, I read your message at work and I became all teary! I think I better visit this website from home from now on. Luckily my table at the office is in a corner so I had to turn towards the wall and wipe away my tears. I was feeling really down at work today cos my mum had had a bad day yesterday. Thankfully, she's in a much better mood today partly cos of the American Idol finale (she's a fan) and mainly due to a visit from a friend. My mum's friend had lymphoma, went through major depression, a long spell with chemo and became wheelchair-bound. Amazingly, she battled through it, went for a holiday and can walk again now. She told my mum if she could do it, so could my mum. She just had to be positive and believe she can overcome it. Whew! What her friend did for my mum is priceless and I'm very grateful to her. I guess nothing beats hearing from someone who's gone through it all. It's great to see her smiling again and even I am genuinely smiling at the moment cos I always try to act strong and hardly ever cry in front of her. I hope this feeling lasts for her although I'm realistic enough to know that it's an emotional roller-coaster. I hope to report good news again tomorrow.
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Lost,
Im happy to see my post didnt upset you.....I worried about it after I posted...
I didnt mean to sound harsh or unfeeling..I just thought it would help you to understand maybe what is going around in your moms head....I know she doesnt mean to make you feel that she is shutting you out...and I know from my experience with breast cancer how overwhelming the entire thing can be...I closed people out at first until I could get my mind wrapped about it, then I was able to let people in....just give her sometime to adjust within herself and I think once she has she will be more open with you...
Its really hard as a mother to have something like breast cancer....you worry that it might be genetic so you might pass it to your daughter or sons, you worry how they are going to deal with what you will be going through...you try to stay strong for those around you when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole and pray this is all a really bad nightmare....you express the negative feelings you have to those closest to you because you are so afraid that it really might be true...I think that is what was happening with your mom.....now that she has had a little time to adjust herself and her friend has been to visit her she see's that it isnt all doom and gloom...I know as a daughter it is hard for you to let someone else be that shining ray of hope for you mom because you love her and want to be there for her, but sometimes its easier for us to grasp that hope and ray from someone who has battled this beast....
Any way, I just want you to Im hear and if things get confusing between you and your mom I would be happy to lend an ear for you and to try to piece things together with you so that you can maybe understand what your moms going through and potential causes of the things she says and makes you feel...
Hugs
Jule
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Im at work this morning and wont see anymore post from you until later this afternoon when I get home....
Please dont cry over my words to you.....
More hugs
Jule
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Hey Jule, sorry I've not been able to reply earlier. I've been down with the flu for the past few days. Actually, I'm not surprised I fell sick at all. With all the stress, crying, loss of appetite and lack of sleep, I knew my immunity was gonna be affected and lo and behold, it did. In a way falling sick has been a reality check cos it's made me realise I need to get back on track with proper meals and sleep.
I've thought a lot about what you said of giving my mum space if she wants to deal with this alone. She's already instructed us (the family) not to inform my relatives and most of her friends. She's only told a few friends who have gone through cancer cos I'd encouraged her to do so. Like you said, nothing like hearing from someone who's gone through the battle. I understand her decision to keep quiet cos even though I'm not the one going through it, I'm also not talking about it with my friends. I kinda fall apart when someone asks how I'm doing so I've told them I'm not ready to talk about it. Luckily my friends are understanding and told me they'll be there whenever I'm ready. So I guess if I can't talk about it, what more my mum.
On Friday, my boss told me he's having a meeting with the directors and going to put my name in for a promotion. As great as it sounds, the post scares the hell out of me cos of the responsibilities. It's work I never thought I'd have the confidence to do but if I do get it, it means a raise in salary and it'll look good on my resume. For the first time this past week, my mind was not preoccupied with cancer. Now I'm worried if I do get the job, I'd have to start in mid June. I'm wondering if I can handle my mum and the new workload. I know I'll take the job cos it'll be stupid of me not to but I hope I can cope. My mum's mastectomy is on Wednesday. What's the timeline of what will happen from then on? Do you know the average number of days she'll be in the hospital? We were told she could be out within 2 days but my mum thinks it's unlikely. I think so too. I feel patients are told that so as to keep their spirits up. How many days later till she gets her diagnosis and if chemo starts, how soon?
My mind's all muddled now with my mum, my job and me down with the flu. I'd really appreciate any info you could give me. Thank you...
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Lost
I didnt have a mast so dont know for sure the time line...but from reading and other friends that I have made through my breat cancer journey I know what the doctor is telling your mom is completely possible....there are many woman who have this surgery and do wonderfully with...
I do know that she will have drains, but not how many, those are to drain the liquids that build in your body and need to be emptied when needed, but its not a big deal...I had one after one of my surgeries and dealt with it myself.
As far as chemo that will be in the future if and when the doctors have all their test results back...the results of the testing after the mast will tell them if your mom even needs chemo or not so try not to think that far ahead but if she does they wont start chemo until she is healed from the surgery itself...I read alot that mostly its a month or more before they start treatment.
I think this new job is perfect timing for you.....it will help you alot dealing with your feelings and emotions to do with your mom by keeping your mind busy. You will cope just fine with these situations...alot of what is going on with your mom is exactly that....going on with your mom...I know I continue to stress that and Im sorry if I sound like a broken record with it, but unfortunately it is true...the best thing you can do for her is to just be there if and when she needs you....the more you stress about this the more it is going to stress her (which is not good for her right now).....this is her fight and that is one of the hardest things for us to remember...we love them so very much....I tried really hard to remember to keep my daughter and son in the loop with my decisions on treatment but ultimately I made those decisions for me...
Try not to make your mom worry about you.....right now everything in her mind HAS to be clear and free for her to get herself lined up with what she might need to do to get better and its really hard as a parent not to worry about your children and how they are dealing with this.
I dont know if my words are helpful for you but if you would like to visit using email if it is easier for you my email address is listed in my profile here...if you want it and cant find it let me know and I will give it to you here.....
Your such a wonderful daughter!!!!!!
Hugs
Jule
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lostsoul
just be there to support your mom its hard to get a diagnosis but after tx it gets much easier
my daughters dad, my late husband passed away from cancer when she was only 2 yrs old, when i had to tell her of my diagnosis it was the hardest thing for me- she was 19
i am fine after 2 yrs of being dx with stage 3
its scary but your mom will be fine- having both my daughters support thru all of this was the best medicine for me
xoxox
j
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Hi J, I'm really glad to hear you're doing fine after 2 years. I hope the same for my mum too. I'm feeling very anxious at the moment cos my mum's surgery is tomorrow. At the moment, I'm just hoping I'll get through the day without any breakdowns. Thanks so much for your support...
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Hi J, I'm really glad to hear you're doing fine after 2 years. I hope the same for my mum too. I'm feeling very anxious at the moment cos my mum's surgery is tomorrow. At the moment, I'm just hoping I'll get through the day without any breakdowns. Thanks so much for your support...
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Lost
Your mom will do fine and so will you......I know tomorrow looms over you like a bad storm but look at it this way....
Tomorrow is the first day of really making progress on getting mom better.....once they have removed the cancer from her body she is classified as a SURVIVOR!!!!!! She will be just fine.....
After tomorrow she will need time to heal from surgery, and then a week or so later she will get the results of all the testing and then she and her docs will get together and look at potential treatment plans....
If you go to these appts with your mom, or even if you dont, make lists of questions that you or your family may have...its really hard to remember things when your upset.....I always took my mom, daughter and best friend to the appts with me as well as a little mini tape recorder because I thought the more ears the better to hear because I knew in my state of mind I wouldnt hear somethings and wouldnt understand some....just remember your mom might not want anyone to attend with her just yet but I would suggest you buy her one of those tape recorders for her to take as she will have alot talked about that she wont understand or will want to go back and re-think after she hears it again.
And as far as you breaking down tomorrow, of course you will, your scared silly and after all that is YOUR MOM in there!!!!! I will be thinking of you and mom all day tomorrow so remember when you feel down that your not alone...
Hugs
Jule
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