Mother-in-law Newly Diagnosed

Hi Jen,

You've come to a great place.  You will get a lot of answers and support here. 

A few things.  First, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer.  She is going to need some time to "mourn" the loss of her old normal life.  Things just changed very drastically for her, and it is ok for her to withdraw for the time being.  Let her go through this period, and I am pretty confident she will soon go into battle mode. 

Second-the best thing that people did for us?  They just DID stuff for us.  Never said, "Can I do anything to help?"  "If you ever need anything, call....." 

I was too consumed with grief, fear, and healing to think, "Ok, I need milk for my son.  Person X said I could call them...." 

Instead, I had friends from church call me from the store and say, "What do you need?"  I had people show up at our house and say, "We're here to clean."  I had meals prepared by countless friends, and people I had never met before, and I never even asked for it.  People made sign-up sheets at church and came to babysit my son so I could rest after chemo.   

You and your husband could try this approach and see if it might yield a different result.  One thing cancer does is it often teaches a person humility.  I was always way too proud to ask for help before my diagnosis.  Now I am always willing to accept a helping hand. 

And as for how to talk to her?  I would suggest following her lead.  If she initiates conversation about it, go with it.  Don't be afraid to "remind her" she has breast cancer.  Trust me, she knows!   My own in-laws STILL won't talk to me about my cancer, and it has been almost 3 years.  That's almost more of an insult to me than anything else. 

As for a support group-I had zillions of people suggest I go to one, but I never did.  Why?  This (breastcancer.org) is my support group.  As you can tell from my numerous posts (as well as lots of chat time in the beginning), I come here often.  I have had every question answered, and every hug I ever needed.  I know lots of these women as well as my life-long friends. 

Come back any time.  Love and prayers, Deb

Hi Jen,
Good to hear from you about your MIL. 

It sounds like things are starting to fall into place now.  I agree with the choice of a bilateral mastectomy.  That is what I chose (against the preference of much of my family!), and it has given me all the more peace of mind.  Even my onc. had first said I was being "way too aggressive," and the day after my surgery he came in and said, "you made the right decision, your basal histology was way higher than I originally thought it was."  Don't ask me what that really means!  ha ha.  I just know I was at much bigger risk than originally thought! 

Anyway, I think you've made a good decision with your husband.  There is nothing harder than trying to back off, I know.  You want to fix it all for her (I would, too!). 

Don't forget, you and your husband are allowed to cry, too.  You, too, will be mourning your old normal!  Crying is to be expected. 

Please let us know, and also how your sister is. 

Love and prayers, Deb

PS-feel free to send me a PM anytime, and we can exchange emails.  I'd be happy to share pics of my surgery if your MIL is curious.  It helped me to see a real person's results, rather than an ink drawing from a pamphlet.