Stop living like you are dying, Mom

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maryannecb
maryannecb Member Posts: 1,453
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
Stop living like you are dying, Mom
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  • maryannecb
    maryannecb Member Posts: 1,453
    edited April 2008

    I thought I was doing really well moving beyond! I have returned to work, enjoy my friends and family ,look pretty much the same and am in the final stages of my reconstruction.

    Yesterday I was driving my 16 year old somewhere so we had the usual Mother-Son chat thing that only happens in the car. I was talking about an aquaintance who had died suddenly from complications of her cancer. I was telling him how sad it was because she was so scared and unprepared...I was saying that if my cancer came back I would be ready.

    He said that I dwell too much on my possible death. I am continually suggesting that I may not be here etc. Wow, the poor kid the uncertainty must be hard on him. I cried a bit and he told me to STOP living like I am dying. There is no sign of this cancer and I should go forward. He said I know you will be FINE.

    He is right. I felt a little lifted after we talked. I will at least try to not pass my negative thoughts along to him. Being a teen is hard enough without having a Mom who is in worry mode.

    So today I am living 100%. I will deal with ill health when and if it happens again. Worrying today is wrecking the present.

    How are your teens dealing with all this?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited April 2008

    Maryanne...I think that it's a good thing that you heard your son and have responded to what you now see as his view of your comments which may, indeed, be too negative for him. But I will add that I also think that we need to be able to think and discuss issues related to one of the most life-altering events we've experienced. Just because you are learning to incorporate your new awareness of your own mortality into your world view doesn't mean that you're "living like you're dying." It certainly may seem that this is so to your 16-year old and you're a good mother to hear and respect that, but it sounds to me like you have a proper and healthy attitude when it comes  to living.

    JMHO Laughing

    ~Marin

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  • Paulette531
    Paulette531 Member Posts: 738
    edited April 2008

    I don't think anyone except for the ones who have experienced cancer can possibly know the fears of "if it comes back" and how that can creep into our daily lives. But I do believe what your son said was very profound, he sounds like an awesome kid!

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2008

    I think that in general our society tried much too hard to pretend that we will all live forever.  There is such a change from one hundred years ago, when women died in childbirth, from kitchen fires, commonly, and it was not unusual for children also to be taken early and suddenly.  It seems that we protect our children from the thought of death by never talking about it, and so, when it happens it is shocking and so scary.  I really think we need to have a more casual attitude in talking about and witnessing death.  It's just another life stage, and we will die, and the living will go on until it's their turn.

    I don't think you're wrong to talk about death casually.  Maybe it scares your son and he thinks you dwell too much on it, but at least he is learning that it happens and that if you die, he will be ok.

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  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited April 2008

    Wow I'm amazed at this discussion! Maryann your son gave you great advice (although it may have been for his own benefit, it still is good advice for you!) I have a 15 year old son and I have often talked about what would happen if I weren't here, even before I got BC.  My DH has told me not to talk that way because it unnerves the boy. Actually - it unnerves my DH - my son is sooo used to me, it's like water off a duck's back.

    I believe my tendency to talk freely about dying is cultural/religious and I do agree with Brenda. My own mother talked that way because it was considered "natural" in her family but my DH's family never talked that way, ever. Maryann if you've never talked this way before to your son, it would be considered a negative thing to him......but then again, he sounds intelligent and mature enough to handle it. While we ALL should live and enjoy each precious moment of the gift of life, it's also very practical to prepare for uncertainty.

    My two college-age daughters are different from my son - even though I believe I raised them the same - they do NOT like me to talk about "if I'm not here"......I think they are more like their dad. So ultimately - it's not just culture or religion that is involved, it's individual sensitivities......you sound like a very sensitive mom Maryann!

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  • NoH8
    NoH8 Member Posts: 2,726
    edited April 2008

    I think your son was telling you, albeit indirectly, his comfort level and what he needs from his mom. I know you're just trying to talk to him about your life and your world, but he might not want the reminder of the possibilities. At 16 he knows enough to realize cancer can recur but he's probably saying he doesn't want to hear about it in the awkward way 16 year olds say things. Another kid might see things differently. Sometimes I think cancer is worse for the people who love us than it is for ourselves and the same with dying. I think he was just trying to set a boundary with you and telling you his perspective from his 16 years on the planet.

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited April 2008

    About a week ago I asked my son to watch a primetime special on the Professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer.  And afterwards we had a real talk about my cancer and dying the whole shebang.  He is 28 and at first really didn't want to talk about it, but we did and it was good because there are many things he needs to know for when I'm gone.  I'm not concentrating on dying but I want to be as prepared as possible I believe it will be better for everyone to know what I want or don't want during the process and afterwards what and who and how my belongings will be given away.

    We then started talking about how there is way to much cancer happening and reasons we thought of it.  And I explained how upset I was over big business and the whole pink ribbon campaigns where research dollars are going.  And how bad the treatments or I should say how old the treatments are in Ontario.  We are the worst Province for new drugs being allowed, they don't even give Pet Scans here in Ontario as they are saying it's still experimental.  My son had quiet a few 18 years ago in Manitoba and in Ontario they are saying its experimental.  Yesterday on this TV program in London called Inquiry they were asking about the Cancer report card in Canada and the jouralist was questioning this Dr. about why it's so slow here in our Province and he gave so many bullshit answers I was seethingly angry.  I can't get over the the fact that so many people in our Province are dying because they don't allow new drugs or Scans I'm just discusted.  And Ontario is supposed to be the richest Province well thats why they do nothing to update anything here.  I have to stop I'm way off track hear sorry girls.  Children at any age all have different capacities of acceptance of our illnessess I'm just happy I was able to be honest and then just get on with living.  If my son was younger I don't think I would have been as honest about this, the conversation would have gone to my sisters.  Hear I am 50 and still can't face the fact that my mother could die, now isn't that silly.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited April 2008

    Quit living like your dying?  I love it.

    nicoletta

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  • 2up
    2up Member Posts: 1,358
    edited October 2008

    snowyday .......... i'm in ontario also, and my treatment was (and still is) state of the art.  i'm sorry to hear you haven't had the same access to "up to date tx" and meds.......... how bizarre!

    ........ as for discussions with kids and/or family .......... i have absolutely no one to discuss any of it with.  no one will even tolerate one minute of "cancer talk" ............ they're all in denial big time.

    it's been a long road to deal with all my thoughts and fears on my own, but i guess if it makes it easier for everyone else, then that is how it's meant to be (sigh). 

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2008

    Shel, that's really too bad.  Since I was dx with mets, I have been insistent that we talk casually but realistically about my death.  For example, I casually mentioned that I need him to learn which are weeds and which flowers in the perennial beds, so last weekend he weeded them all, and I showed him what everything is.  He also set out plants for me.  I was too chemo exhausted to do it, but it was a great opportunity.  Another time he told me he wants me to teach him to make biscuits before I die, because he doesn't know how he could get along without a good biscuit!

    Now, understand that I'm not looking at kicking the bucket too soon, but I want it out in the open that I'm stage iv and it's pretty sure that I will die of bc.  I don't want to get to the end and realize that there was all this stuff I meant to say, but didn't.

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  • maryannecb
    maryannecb Member Posts: 1,453
    edited April 2008

    Thanks Marin, I have always been a "prepare for the worst but expect the best" kind of a person.

    Paulette, you are right he is awesome and becoming more sensitive and sensible as he ages.

    Brenda, I explained to him tahtr i have a fatalistic attitude as during my teens my Dad diesd suddenly. Since that time I have known that life can suddenly end...so have always tried to keep  my life in order, I guess.

    Swimgirl, talking about death is a way of prepraing. I don't want them blind-sided in case I become ill again.

    Amy, I see what you are saying. From his teenage point of view he may need me to be the invincible rock....

    Snowyday, how nice to have a 28 year old son to hang out with. Does he still feel like your little boy sometimes.LOL.

    Brenda, that is exactly what I would do if I had mets, I would have to make sure thay knew everything about me and how i do things...Since the kids were little we ahve been teaching them lifes lessons, having a terminal illness would change the pace of the lessons I would think.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited April 2008

    Wow Maryanne...what a sensitive son you have raised!!  Well done!

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  • Carmelle
    Carmelle Member Posts: 388
    edited April 2008

    It's nice your son is able to communicate with you...especially about how he feels and what he feels for you.

    I think that I used to need to talk about it because it was important to me to prepare myself and prepare "them" too. Now my kids were young but my husband sure heard me talk about the what ifs as did my mother and sister.

    One thread I read here a while back was a woman who was just recently diganosed stage 4...mets somewhere with bad prognosis.

    She had been initially diagnosed 9 years earlier and she was most upset that she had wasted 9 good bonus years worrying about something and preparing for something and that all her worrying and preparing never helped lessen the fear and pain one bit.

    She was truly upset at herself for missing out and making her family missout by having a mother who was always somewhere focussed on the "what if's" of dying. So a while back I sort of decided not to waste one "good beautiful" day where I'm not forced to think about cancer and dying, thinking or even considering cancer and dying. After a while it sort of seeped out. So now I live as if I'm going to grow old but dont forget to do what I want today and it doesn't feel forced anymore.

    Michelle

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited April 2008

    When my mom was dx, she talked a lot like this. I used to get irritated when she spoke like this. I was in my early 20's.

    Until we walk in the shoes of someone who has had cancer/has cancer we don't know the emotional side of it. It is our world. Your are living. So am I. Cancer is a part of who we are now.

    Janis

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  • maryannecb
    maryannecb Member Posts: 1,453
    edited April 2008

    Michelle, I remember reading that thread too. I too am working hard at living for today...I am off to Vegas to meet my Rocktober sisters  in May then after that my DH and I will be mooching around the Grand canyon and park systems.

    Janis cancer is a part of us but we can let it go sometimes especially as we are presently" well". I still check this board daily and that is my cancer thinking for the day. I cry with some of the posts, remember my desperation in the beginning but am continually amazed at the strength many women have .

    Believing that good things can happen, having hope are the keys to not worrying ,I guess. I have to work at feeling less threatened and more hopeful.

    Fists up!

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