I can't get my act together and I don't know why

i just came across this thread and can so relate. i completed chemo, rads last july and right now i am unemployed which is making me so depressed about everything, weight gain, jobless, recurence the possiblity of moving back to toronto with my parents YIKES. it's just too much. i really can't take anymore.

i cannot motivate myself to do anything, my apartment is a mess, so dusty and i have no energy to clean. today is a beautiful sunny day and i have no desire to go outside. i used to be out all the time and now just want to stay home all the time. i used to love doing yoga always made me feel so good, i still do it, 3 times a week but don't get the same joy. i feel so numb. thanks for listening.

gsg  Congrats on your food news today!!!!!!!!!  I havent done much today other than take my daughter in for a sports physical and then right back home to my laptop and thats about it, except for ER tonight--w00h00 the highlight of my day!!!

I know I have been "out of it" because last week i had a check up with my Onc and you know how we cant wait for them to say "things are okay-no problems"-he did say that but I didnt even get excited like I usually do and It didn't hit me that he said I was good till later that night.

The weather is NOT helping me either, I am so sick and tired of snow, but hopefully it is FINALLY done.

You're right g, breast cancer was an assault. I read your post and I really thought about it. I have had other things more immediately life-threatening, C-sections and other surgeries, broken bones, and car accidents and terrible pain from things that weren't cancer.  But I never felt assaulted by those things like I have with breast cancer.  Those things never made me so tired in the mind to where my body just can't do what it could. Breast cancer for me, was going from feeling just fine to being thrown into a fire of fear.  

So I thought about what you said and how my other surgeries or problems didn't do this to me. 

I thought maybe it's because since I was a young girl, I was both shy and happy about growing breasts. I was so thrilled when I finally got one of those young teen "training bras".  I'd secretly go and look at them in their boxes in the store. Then, getting older I wanted my breasts to be bigger so I stuffed my bras and made my own bikinis with extra stuffing in the top.  Eventually they grew enough to where I saw the boys noticing them and me more.  I was happy getting the boys attention and breasts opened a door to a new part of my life. Breasts were "second base".  Well, skipping over the x-rated parts....I get to where my breasts fed my babies.  All in all, till breast cancer,  breasts have always been a pleasure to have, a secret to share with someone I loved, a beautiful way to bond with and feed my babies. 

Breasts aren't like a bum knee or tonsils or an appendix.  Breasts were a part of my body that took and gave pleasure and sustenance. They belonged to me and I shared them with my closest loves. Even in hugs!  

Then breast cancer came and all kinds of people started looking at them. They were smashed in mammo plates, wires stuck in them, cut into, biopsied in many different ways so many times I lost count. Excised, radiated, burned, stitched, stabbed, ultrasounded and core biopsied and numbed and needled and finally removed.  By submission.

Everything changed.  This part of my body that was my mystery, my bonding with my husband and babies, became scrutinized by too many medical people, photographed in an ugly way, viewed on demand, poked, prodded, STOLEN from me!!!  Why do they always want so many pictures?!?  What was once mine alone to share was put on public display - a disease zone for all eyes and I couldn't stop it. I had to relinquish my modesty. They are now medical pictures in medical files. Breast cancer took my privacy and the dignity from my breasts.  It robbed me of the right to reveal my breasts when and where I chose to.   Breast cancer took parts of me before it actually took them away.  I know now that they can kill.  My breasts led such a full life.  Now I'm afraid because of them. Breasts were good to have. Now my chest is a wreck - it has to be because breast cancer can kill wonderful women. Just since I've been a part of this organization, breast cancer has killed wonderful women.  I am afraid because this disease hurts us on so many levels.

It is assaulting good innocent women.

Maybe this is the heart of my problem.  Why I'm tired and don't care about cleaning.  I want to be optimistic and am most of the time, but I'm grieving too.  Hopefully, tomorrow I'll clean my table.

Hannah,

I just couldn't explain it before.  I'm not even sure what thread I'm on ... just happened to see "gsg's" initials scrolling down.

Now, with tears running down my cheeks .. I truly know that someone understands. 

May I copy and print your post?

love,

Bren

God bless and keep all you wonderful women - I'm so fortunate to have found this web site. I only found this thread now, and haven't had time to read everyone's comments, but feel like sending everyone a cyber hug for all your sufferings, patience, and especially for sharing your experiences.

Gsg -I used to swim every day too - I actually swam the day before my surgery then put my membership at the Sports Club on "hold" until July. Now I wonder if I'll ever get back into the pool. I also feel like locking the door to my house, and never coming back, but I know it's only because I want to run away from the breast cancer. My house represents so many unfinished projects I started while I was still an innocent and untouched by BC. We're only here 3 years - we just finished renovating the exterior and painting the interior before Christmas, then came February and I was started on this roller-coaster ride which is consuming all my energy - both in  mind and body. My daughters will be coming home from college in May, and I try to motivate myself for THEM - try to look at catalogs to finally get some window treatments, but I feel absolutely no inspiration. I have papers piled high on every surface (including the piano bench, which is where I have kept all my mammo and MRI films).

Before reading this thread, I just called a cleaning service to FORCE myself to get into gear because I can't stand the dust and mess any more, especially on a beautiful Spring day like today. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself - I really am very blessed in life - and I feel guilty even comparing my sorrows with anyone else on this web site since I feel pretty good other than some stomach pain - but the summer looms ahead with nothing but thoughts about the chemo that's waiting for me every two weeks for an entire year and I think to myself, "Is THIS what my life is all about now?" But I know it's not - I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that I should be grateful for the availability of modern medicine that can cure me of this disease - that this roller-coaster ride will end - and I promise myself to remain confident, at least as a good role model for my kids - to learn as much as I can about BC - and I ask God to let me be HIS instrument, for whatever purpose He has in mind - as he has used me in the past - even though I don't understand why - I do have faith that the ultimate light at the end of the tunnel will be a heavenly one. I know not everyone shares my faith, but that's ok, because we share our humanity and for now, that is EXACTLY what I need, so thank you again sweet laides!

Gsg,

I can't get my s##t together and I'm nine months out of rads.  Geez ... I missed my surgeon appt on Tues.  It was clearly marked 4/15, Tues.  I got cleaned up and scooted off to the appt on Wednesday!!

Speaking of weight, I've gained 20 pounds since July.  Why do the 3 to 5 docs we regularly have to see keep telling us we have to lose weight?  Don't they think we've noticed none of our clothes fit, that we're depressed about it, that our poor fat belly's are sucking up any estrogen they kind find left in our body!!  I had to buy a pair of jeans at Layne Bryant the other day to accommodate my belly.  WTF!!  Just shoot me.  I'd use my ab machine, but I can't get my arms up over my head to pull the thing. 

My joy is my yard.  I planted tons of morning glory seeds today along the fence line of one of my fields, then came in and popped a Vicodin.  Whatever it takes to let me work in my yard.  I need my JOY!!

I'm going to read back and meet all you gals.

love,

Bren

Hanna....those words hit to the heart. I am speechless, you've said it all.

 This may sound stupid, but I feel guilty for being here. Guilty because I don't have it so bad. Guilty because I am finished what I had to do. Guilty because I don't feel I deserve compassion for what I went through when others have so much worse. Guilty because I was so worried and it wasn't so bad. Guilty because I was "lucky" this time when so many I have met were'nt so fortunate. It makes me feel ashamed to even whisper a complaint. I still have fears and my body will always remind me of this.

Hi Ladies,

Still getting to know my way around this "community" and this diesease. 

But I had to comment on Hannah's post - an awesome flow of pure insight and emotion.  I have joked with my dh and colleagues about the number of people that have needed to touch, prod, poke or just look at my breasts since this started.  "Anyone else - let's bring in the people from the hallway."  But sometimes it's not so funny. 

I was the victim of childhood sexual abuse just at the time my breasts were starting to grow.  In fact, they were the stated reason for it and a focus of unwanted attention.  Now I feel at that same place again.  I have never been able to get a massage from a stranger because I don't like to be touched by strangers.  And now with every new step, I have to let another stranger touch me.  This is bringing up bs I dealt with years ago (yes, I had over 3 years of therapy!) or at least thought I had until now.   THIS SUCKS.  But I will not be a victim this time.  I am not a child and I do have some control over this. 

 The other piece that really touches it for me is I have 2 daughters.  One is almost 9, the other is 4.  Even before my dx, my 9 y.o. was starting to ask questions about "boobies" - is she getting hers, are her friends getting theirs, etc.  She hasn't had a big response yet, but a few days ago after her bath, she stated "If I ever get a lump I'm going to cut it off - do we have a chainsaw?"  Although we initially laughed, I said quietly, "You don't want a lump like me" and she said "No."  And I am terrified for them to potentially have to experience this. 

Thanks for listening, ladies.  Clearly I needed to vent.

***FLASH NEWS ALERT*** Just in , honeygirl mopped her floor minutes ago , and is now going to wax it! Stay tuned for further updates!******

Have a happy birthday Harley!

Oh my I'm getting embarassed about all this you all  .  I was just taking a trip back in time and working my way up to the present.  If this didn't feel so much like the right thread to free think and write on, I would never have put it into words.  I know you all can do the same thing and write it down.  Maybe here because this thread feels like a group circle where we are talking the true behind the scenes stuff.  

You know what though....after I wrote out in words how this whole stuff has felt, I fell asleep for an hour and woke up feeling better in general.  And, I actually started making some headway on the kitchen!   I wouldn't exactly be posting any pictures cause it hasn't come as far as g's table, but I started.  The table's still a mess but the center counter island is all clear.  For me I look back on this year and see how I made it through but there is literal fallout all around me.  Not that you all are as whacked out as me, but I am reading things that are ME here.  Like the window treatments stuff and not being able to get going on that, and the boxes sitting there waiting to be put away or sorted through, and dishes that just pile up because I think the Alloderm in my boob must have been skin donated from a man since I have lost interest in both cooking, grocery shopping AND dish doing ever since it has become part of my body!  Do any of you think this could be possible??  I think there was even a movie similar to this thought.  Now I buy paper plates and cups and get carryout most of the time and this is just not me!

I'm just waiting to see if I get a sudden interest in sports or burping loud. That will be the proof right there.  Thanks you girls and g for this thread.