mum just diagnosed - im not coping

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prycylla
prycylla Member Posts: 16
edited June 2014 in High Risk for Breast Cancer
mum just diagnosed - im not coping
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  • prycylla
    prycylla Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2008

    My mum discovered a lump 3 months ago in her left breast, finally went to the doctor 4 days ago (monday) and today (friday) we got all the results, the largest of the lumps is 1.7cm and she has 5 in total, she has been diagnosed with IDC invasive ductal carcimona, and has been told it is very aggressive and probably wont be long before it is in her bones etc.

    like many others, she is my best friend, i see her every day and she already is very sick with a list of many other health problems. being 63, she is very reluctant to go threw any sort of treatment and at this point has said she doesnt want any treatment.

    she will get an appointment with a surgeon this month at somepoint to see where we really stand, but the doctor has given us a great scare by telling her she prob only has 6 months, give or take.

    i am only 28, never married and no children, my mother is my world and i am absolutely devistated. i feel like she is being stolen from me and i can reach out to grab her. i dont know what to do, and worst part is, to her, nothing has changed, she is still happy and acting like she hasnt just been diagnosed.

    i need help, i cant see a way out, is anyone there that i can talk to? 

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  • roseg
    roseg Member Posts: 3,133
    edited April 2008

    P - I'm so sorry for all your worry!

    I want you to think of ONE thing right now.  You know your Mom has breast cancer, but she is going to get it treated.

    Nobody can know "how long" someone has.  It sounds like it isn't in her bones right now. So don't imagine it there before it's time.  Although the treatment won't be fun, it will work, and your Mom will be here for some time to come.

    Be there for her.  If you want, read up on breast cancer so you know what she's got and what the treatment will be.  If that's too stressful then just be a good daughter and friend.  

    If you hang around here very long you'll find that there are plenty of women who had not the best starts with cancer who are still right here and doing fine.  The more you know about it all the less scary it'll be.

    So take good care and don't worry!  

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  • flower123
    flower123 Member Posts: 144
    edited April 2008

    I can't imagine what you're going through but I can tell you that there is so much support here. You and your mother are in my prayers.



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  • LUVmy2girlZ
    LUVmy2girlZ Member Posts: 2,394
    edited April 2008

    Prycylla ~

    You are very supportive to her.  I am sorry for both you and your mothers diagnosis.  Has your mother had and bone/pet scans to rule the "spread to her bones" yet ?  One can't just "assume" without evidence.  I am only 39 and I have to say, that both my surgeon and Rad. Onc. said, that older women seem to respond better by all the side effects of surgery and radiation.  So with that being said, your mother, though reluctant can get through this !!! Remember Breast Cancer is a SURVIVABLE disease.  Don't give up faith.   I kid you not, it is going to be a long journey...but together you can guide her.

    Keep us posted..

    Much LUV

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  • prycylla
    prycylla Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2008

    thank you for all your kind words, i looked for hours on the net to try and find a good support net work and i think i have just found it :-)

    I found alot of info about her specific cancer, as i am under the understanding that there are many different breast cancers. and i must say, that having read alot of it all this afternoon, i am starting to see that there is a light, it is in the far distant, but i know it is there. i just hope that my mother can find something within herself to want to fight it and not let it get the better of her. i just hope that we can all convince her that this need not be a death sentence and that she can beat this.

    i have no idea exactly to what extend it has travelled, though it hasnt hit her glands or bones yet. the next visit at the hospital will be talkings with the surgeon to discuss all of that and get all the rest of the major tests done.

    one of my biggest fears has always been to loose her, and i am now scared of what is to come, what should i be expecting to have to face? what are the symptoms? will she be sick with vomiting, bowel movements, unable to get out of bed? these are the things that arent mentioned in the readings.what do cancer victims go threw, and how do i best deal with it?

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  • LUVmy2girlZ
    LUVmy2girlZ Member Posts: 2,394
    edited April 2008

    I agree...this site gets a lot of activity.  Remember too ( I speak from experienceUndecided ) educating yourself is important but don't paint yourself in these situation..some may not apply to your mother and everyone responds differently and treatments may vary.

    It is a fear, any cancer is certainly a fear...but you will see that there is light at the end of the tunnel...but ONE day at a time as it can be extremely overwhelming in the beginning.  You and your mother will soon be getting a "plan of action" and soon you will feel like you have somewhat "control" over her healing!

    Much LUV

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  • prycylla
    prycylla Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2008

    yes, is very over whelming.

    i think that is great advice, ONE DAY AT A TIME and wait for the PLAN OF ACTION.

    im sure the surgeon will settle all of our nerves and get our heads straight, as its one big jumble right about now!  atleast im hoping so.

    thank you so much :-) im starting to feel a whole lot better. maybe i should even suggest that she start coming onto this site, i think she could benifit greatly from talking to ppl who have been through it

    thank you again

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  • LUVmy2girlZ
    LUVmy2girlZ Member Posts: 2,394
    edited April 2008

    It certainly helps...everyone can be so helpful with advice from physical to emotional needs.  Though these cancers are not equal ...we know how the waiting period can be far the worst.  Your mother ( or you ) would certainly benefit from those who have gone through it and those are going through it.   I have found more information on this site, from what to ask my Dr.s - to easing my mind as well.  It helps indeed.  Any questions...just post them, soon there will be others to answer...if not post them again and SPEAK louder ! LOL...sometimes this sites gets so much activity your thread gets "bumped" further down and it may be overlooked.

    A positive attitude is key here in her healing....

    much LUV

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  • Analemma
    Analemma Member Posts: 1,622
    edited April 2008

    How dare the dr. say she has only six months when he has not removed the cancer and does not know the pathology?  I'm thinking that he is trying to scare your mom into agressive treatment.  First things first.  The surgery!  Then full body scans to see if there is metastasis or not.  Pathology on the tumor to find out its hormone receptor / her2neu status.  At that point, you decide if you treat curatively or palliatively.  Your mum is not considering no surgery, is she?  If she is, then you have to talk her out of that.  There's a good chance that your mom will be cured, but you won't know until you get the path report from the tumor.

    Brenda

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  • gsg
    gsg Member Posts: 3,386
    edited April 2008

    Pryclla: 

    Please invite your mother to join us.  This place calmed me down immediately!  I have found it's the best site on the internet for breast cancer patients..great tips on handling side effects and also to take care of our emotional needs...my experience anyway.

     I, too, had IDC, with 5 tumors, the largest being almost 3 cms, the other 4 were all around it and tiny.  My breast surgeon at first told me she was sure it must be in my lymph nodes..but when they did the sentinel node biopsy, it was discovered they were clean.   So the docs don't know everything.

    I had chemo prior to lumpectomy and by the time they did my surgery,  ALL cancer cells were dead.  Chemo is not easy, but not as bad as I thought it would be and I found out I actually liked having no hair, which was a shock because I had pretty good hair and don't have the "face" to look good without any.  But it was great being able to shower and run.  I even stopped wearing my wigs.  Radiation truly was a breeze for me.  So treatment turned out not to be as daunting as I first feared.

    My cancer year was 2 years ago and there is now no evidence of disease.  This could be your mother's path as well.

    Once you and your mother start learning more about breast cancer and her specifics, you'll be able to relax and start taking control of her life again.

    Good luck to you both-

    Patrice (GSG)

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  • faithandfifty
    faithandfifty Member Posts: 10,007
    edited April 2008

    Prayers to you both in the learning phase. This is a unique place, where folks reach out to each other from their experience.

    What a treasure to have the closeness of your relationship to each other. This experience will only bring you closer. My suggestion is to work very hard to stay "in the present" and not allow yourselves to fabricate possible developments way down the road. Much easier said than done.

    Learning is the first phase. You have found a great place for that!!

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  • prycylla
    prycylla Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2008

    i just want to thank everyone for their great words of comfort and advice yesterday, it helped me like you wouldnt believe.

    it amazes me just how much my emotions and mind set has changed in the past 24 hours.

    i have done alot of reading and really taken in all the you have said, and i am confident that this dreaded cancer can be beaten.

    I just hope that i can give my mother enough strength, knowledge and guidence to help her make the decision of working to fight it.

    she has shown some real interest in coming onto this site to talk to everyone and get the answers she is looking for, and i know that you will all be there for her as you have been and will continue to be for me.

    i will be sure to keep everyone updated on what is happening and no doubt find more and more questions, and am sure i will find it all very hard to deal with, with each step that is taken.

    but atleast for now, i am past the initial shock of it all.

    wish i could go and yell at that stupid doctor though for telling her she only has 6months... how dare he!!!!!!

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  • Kimber
    Kimber Member Posts: 384
    edited April 2008

    Prycylla,

    Stay here, bring your mom here. BrendaF is right, that doctor had no place telling her she only had 6 months without any further testing. Ridiculous. Best of thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your mother. You WILL get through this. Promise.

    Kimber

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  • nash
    nash Member Posts: 2,600
    edited April 2008

    Prycylla, when you get the path report, post it here, and we can walk you through the specifics.

    I just lost my mom to bc--she went through five and 1/2 years of treatment, so I understand your fears and emotions. I remember how I felt the day she was diagnosed. Dealing with her cancer was harder for me emotionally than dealing with my own. Hugs to both of you. 

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  • myheidiscrapbooking
    myheidiscrapbooking Member Posts: 245
    edited April 2008

    Pricyclla, your mom needs to do treatment. This is VERY treatable - I also think she need desperatly to get a 2nd opinion and/or doctor completely. If there is a "breast center" in any local hospitals or in the city, you should take her asap ok? You should not have to live with the info. you just got, there IS help! and your mother needs to be pushed.

    Keep us posted.

    God bless you.

    Heidi

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  • prycylla
    prycylla Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2008

    i have tried very hard to steer mum in the right direction, but she seems to be pushing everyone out and no longer wants to talk about it. im finding it very hard to bring the subject up with her at the moment and everytime its mentioned she keeps saying she has made up her mind and doesnt want treatment. i am trying to respect her, but am finding it very hard to not get angry with the choice she has made.

    i know i have no right to push her into my way of thinking, and ultimatley it is her body and her decision. but i know she is wrong and being silly.

    i am so angry, because in an odd way, i feel she is basically willing to let herself die from this, and i dont want to sit back and watch her basically commit suicide.

    im struggling.............. i dont want to loose my mum

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited April 2008

    Of course you don't want to loose your mum.



    You are right that it is ultimately her decision.



    I know everyone is different, and you know your mum better than anybody here. But I will share what has worked better for me. But it probably won't work for anyone.



    I have a friend that was diagnosed with a very serious cancer ( its not breast cancer or ovarian cancer) Feb 1. She knows what the statistics are - it will, indeed, 'take a miracle' for her to survive this. At first, she was wavering back and forth if she wanted to be treated at all. Some studies showed even if rads and chemo for this cancer don't help with survival, they may help with quality of life. She's having lots of pain, etc.



    She has simply refused to discuss how she is feeling. At first she shut up even more. But I have spent hours with her, just listening non-judgmentally to her, whatever she wants to talk about. Sometimes she's silent. Sometimes she has been pretty critical of me, like saying I wear watches that are too big, or that I'm going to grow mushrooms under my hats (I often walk around with wet hair.) But now I'm just glad when she can express anger at me or anyone. I have not had a pain score of above 5 continuously for over 2.5 months, nor am I in her shoes dealing with an almost certainly terminal illness.



    Very gradually, she's gotten closer to telling me about how she feels. I brought up the 'Be Positive....(shuuut up!) thread in the Just Diagnosed forum. She agreed said she just ignores those people. But that's closer to expressing how she feels than what I've gotten before.



    I know she has issues about 'feeling trapped'.



    I'm hoping at some time in the future, that she will feel safe enough to talk more about her feelings, so at least at some point, I'm hoping she will be able to listen to me telling her how much her friendship has meant to me. We might never get there. And maybe its bad for me to try to make her go in that direction.



    Now maybe pushing works for some people, and 'not pushing' works for others. And probably something entirely different works for still others. But maybe its something to think about.

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  • tif
    tif Member Posts: 9
    edited April 2008

    I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I think that Leaf is right. Someimes, not pushing is the best thing to do...maybe just listening to her is what she needs now, even if she won't talk about how she is feeling. You are in my thoughts.

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  • bcs75
    bcs75 Member Posts: 281
    edited April 2008

    heidi just wondering how your second chemo went, I hope all went well.

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  • bcs75
    bcs75 Member Posts: 281
    edited April 2008

    priscylla, I am sorry that you and your mom are going through this. But bc is treatable, I have a friend who had aggressive and it was in some of the nodes. Chemo and radiation and a wonderful spirit and she is doing fine 9 years later. So much of this is out of our control, but not all of it. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers

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  • TerryC
    TerryC Member Posts: 40
    edited April 2008

    Priscylla.. I too am so sorry that you and your Mother are going through this...I'm waiting for my dx and can't offer any advise as I'm so new to this.

    I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your Mother and I'm sure you will find your answers. And will receive support and comfort from the wonderful women here.

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  • Maggie1949
    Maggie1949 Member Posts: 4
    edited April 2008

    I have Invacise Lobular Carcinoma which was diagnosed in 2003 and I also have lymphoma, and am still alive and have gone through 11 different chemos for the cancers..... so stay confident .... My mom passed away 8 years ago of pancreatic cancer while I was going through chemo. I am also not married no children and no siblings

    My dad died 6 years ago, so I have been through a lot, but never give hope.. there is always something that can be done.

    In lymphoma, we can get the cancer in the bone, it is not the best thing for it to happen, but we just adjust the chemo for it.

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