close friend has brain mets..help wth coping please!

You are her kind, dear friend, so the natural feeling is to want to do more because sadly, there is nothing you can do to fix this... In my humble opinion, I think she didnt tell you that your cheery face makes her feel better so that you could come more often, I think she just wants you to know that you ARE helping. I'm sure your friend knows how hard this is for you, maybe thats why she told you that you could call her sister...so you wont fear losing contact if she gets sicker...I know if my friend were that sick I would want constant updates...and if your friend were to lose contact, I'm sure you will want to know how she is doing, no mattter what...

I know that part of what you are feeling may be "survivors guilt"....

I feel it just because my lump was b9 and most here are not....

your friend who loves you doesnt want you to feel this way...

I have a close friend who has lost two daughters, (infant and 16 year old), her husband is dying, and her eleven year old son has just been diagnosed with the same illness that has taken the rest of her children....she tries to cheer everyone else up...and I feel so guilty that my children are healthy...should I feel this way?

Survivors guilt stinks, please try to let that part go, and not rob you of your friendship....I know this is very difficult and complex, just wanted to try to cheer you up a bit....your a great friend...hang in there.....Anniee

Ravdeb, I have the same situation. My dear friend Peg has battled stage 4 the past 5 years,probably 8 years. She lives 6 hours from me. She bought a condo on the beach in my building so I have been able to spend a lot of time with her between treatments over these years. This past year her progression has made that impossible. Although we spoke on the phone several times a day, everyday, the past months the phone was going unanswered. I finally had to call her brother or sister. I too did not want to have to get "reports". I wanted to hear her voice, I wanted my friend back the way we were. I just returned from visiting her. her family is being so wonderful caring for her. They love hearing from her friends and telling her about their calls. By all means, take any avenue you can to let her know how much you are thinking of her. She already knows how much you care.

Hi Ravdeb, dear old friend. As you probably know, I lost my daughter-in-law to Pancreatic Cancer 2 years ago and Walt and I spent every day with her from 8am till her mom came at noon. I urge you to tell her how much you love her, and how much she means to you. You may well have already done this, but with my mom, I didn't do this, I was afraid I would scare her. But with Carmela, since she knew she was dying (we picked out her urn on the Internet sitting on her bed), I cried with her and hugged her to pieces and told her what a wonderful daughter-in-law she had been and what a wonderful mother she was. I cried, she cried, but it was okay. So don't hold back, if you cry, let her hear this on the phone. It lets them know how much you care.



She should not be in any pain. I doubt if they have Hospice yet, since she may still have a few more options to try, but they gave my son all the morphine (drops by mouth, no shots) that he wanted. Carm never suffered a minute. But it may still be too soon for this for your friend. Maybe they could get her a morphine pump? Then she can use it herself. Don't like the suffering.



You are such a lovely person, I would love to have you as a friend in my last days.



God bless you, Shirlann

Ravdeb:  You are doing all the right things.  I'm sure your support is very comforting to her.  When my stepdad was dying of kidney cancer last year, we were able to have conversations that he couldn't have with the others since we shared the "cancer" experience.  I know it meant a lot to him and it did to me too.  I, like you, felt helpless most days because we want the same outcome for them that we had....that part is out of our hands.  Just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm going through a similar thing now with my best friend who has pancreatic cancer and has just been told she now has liver and lung mets.  She's in Minnesota and I'm in Maryland...all I can do is offer her emotional support from afar and googling like crazy trying to find any info that will help.  She perks up when she hears my voice on the phone.  She told me she saved a voicemail I left so she can hear my voice whenever she wants.  Sometimes that's all it takes, something as simple as our voice.

Treasure each moment you have.

Dear Ravdeb,

I sit here in my house this Friday reading your posts. I am going through the exact same thing you are with a dear childhood friend (since I was 13 years old), she is stage IV...mets to lung...now it is in her brain. She emailed me on Monday to say she was going to San Francisco for a 3rd opinion. She can not believe that she has brain mets! She just finished her chemo and radiation for the lung and she went back to work in February only to have a dx of brain mets a few weeks later. She says she is numb from the reality of this. She has always been so positive.....many times she stated to me that she believed she was cured. I always told her how much I admired her belief and that I thought she was so strong.

Now my dear friend is in shock.......and I am in shock......and now from the stress and the tree pollen in the air.....I am having headaches. My other sister wants to go over to see her with me....I asked her to let me know what day and time would be best....I have yet to hear back. I know that I will have to place the phone call...........I am so scared....sad....and sick from having to do this. I have emailed her and told her how much I love her and how much my entire family loves her. Now I need to go over there and hug her. How do I do this? I am such an emotional person and this is so personal........I don't know how I can manage this. My tears are running at this moment.....and I am unable to sleep without thinking about her. I know I also fear for myself (I hope I am not being selfish....but this whole cancer thing has really scared me). I took a break from the message board here back in January prior to my Oncologist appointment in March, just wanted a break....and then my dear friend calls with her dx of brain mets! I came to the boards for advise, and all of you were so helpful.

Anyway, Ravdeb........I am in your exact shoes.......I feel your pain, fear, and everything else in between. I just thought I needed to respond to your post.  I hope you find the strength to carry on...I pray daily for my own. 

Love,

Terry 

Ravdeb, thanks for you kind words....they have encouraged me. My friend has a wonderful family, lovely grown boys with children of their own. A wonderful husband and brother. I know they are all by her side encouraging her. She has always been a private person with her family.....and I do not want to take to much of their time. I know that she wants to see my sister and me....and it's just a matter of arranging an appropriate visiting time.

I am so happy that you are able to have those visits, and I have taken to heart all of your sound advise. You don't know this Ravdeb....but I have always been drawn to your posts. Maybe it is because of your beautiful picture and the fact that you live in Israel and you always have such wonderful advise. If you could look at a sunset this evening over in Israel and say a little prayer for my dear friend.......it would mean so much to me and I know for her. Her name is Carol.

Thank you so much for responding.

Love Always,

Terry, Sis 

Ravdeb.....thanks for keeping her in your prayers...I will do the same for your friend. Your words have helped me very much today. I can hear what you were saying when your friend says she is worried about you....and that you yourself are not worried. My friend was never worried about herself....I like that about her. My friend never really did much research on breast cancer and the subtypes, maybe that was how she maintained such a positive attitude. Then when her breast cancer became mets........she told me she screamed so loud in her surgeons office everyone could hear her in the waiting room. She was so adamant about being totally CURED......and those are her words. When she stated to me that she felt completely positive that she was CURED.....I would only smile back at her and say how strong I thought she was. I knew that my ability to believe 100% without doing any research would not be in my cards. I'm a researcher by nature...heck....I do genealogy as one of my hobbies. So by the time my mother was dx breast cancer at age 69 and now she is turning 78 (she is a triple negative), I had already researched breast cancer in depth.....even so I was not about to tell my friend that she was not cured. Only God knows the days of our lives.

So your advise is great and I will listen carefully and give her HOPE. Also, thanks for the offer to PM you...and you do not hesitate in returing a PM to me.......and you can also email me if needed. I tend to check my email everyday....and have spent less time on the boards because I feel the need to wean myself a little from the boards to get my mind off a cancer.

Talk to you soon,

Love, Terry, Sis