worried i won't be here

jbksmom
jbksmom Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
worried i won't be here
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  • jbksmom
    jbksmom Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2008

    it seems like i am in such a hurry to do things these days and if i don't do them i get very upset, i really don't know how to explain it, i think its kind of like in the back of my mind i am scared that if i don't do some things or even new things then i won't ever get a chance to do them or won't be around to enjoy them, is this normal or am i losing my mind

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  • jerseymaria
    jerseymaria Member Posts: 770
    edited March 2008

    i understand perfectly...when i'm down i just cry at the thought of not seeing my kids and especially my 2 very young grandsons...they're just about the only thing in my life now that makes me smile and feel happy.  i don't think about doing things so much but not doing things, like why bother.  somethings i start buying things with the idea that if i keep buying then i can't die.   other times i think i should not buy anything at all ... even clothes ... cause i won't be here and there'll just be more stuff for my kids to get rid of with the house when i'm gone. i guess it's fear mixed in with depression but i can assure you that you're not the only won't who thinks these things.  it's hard cause people just say oh don't think like that.  well i just found out i have mets so why shouldn't i think like that.  i don't know what the answer is sweetie, i'm just trying to get through day by day. hugs to you.

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  • basil16883
    basil16883 Member Posts: 42
    edited June 2008

    I think about it all the time also and I still cry every time I talk about my cancer.  I have 3 little girls and I feel doomed.... like the other shoe is going to drop at any time.

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  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited July 2008

    Hey girls:

      You are not alone. I too have thoughts like that. Mostly, why bother? Why bother following thru on long-term plans? Why sacrifice for anything, waiting for the pay-off later, when I might not have later?

      And I don't even dare think about my son who is now 12. He was 7 when I was dx and I couldn't even bear the thought of not seeing him grow up.

    And I too have ordered magazine subscriptions for 3 years in advance thinking I won't die then because I have this subscription coming...

    Also, things like finances. Why save? Why worry about paying off debt? Why? Its all paid off when I die anyways. So I might as well live it up.

    I have to talk myself out of these thoughts and convince myself I will beat this. Some days I do convince myself. In fact, I have gone two or three weeks thinkiing this. But mostly, it is day to day convincing...

    It takes alot of energy. I wish I could just let go and not worry about it at all. Sometimes I can convince my self of this. Sometimes.

    Wendy A 

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  • andrewmom
    andrewmom Member Posts: 1
    edited July 2008

    jbksmom,

    I feel the same way! I jsut found this site.

    Thought I was nearing the end of my journey-

    8 months ago it all started

    45

    15 yr old in private school. Plays every sport- His own health issues. I have MS- I am sole

    taxi driver, etc.

    Found cancer in nodes, lungs and liver. Did all the chemo in winter/spring. Just had my 2nd

    surgery

    thought i made it to radiation. Got slammed again- Pathology showed precancer in breast- It will go- Pathology also showed cancer in blood vessels. I am back to square 1 next week- chemo again-

    I always feel everything needs to get done. I am now afraid it may not-  

    I think its part of not having control!

    I dont think I am nuts!

    Patty 

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