* Me vs. "Sperm Donor"*

Oh, just what you need, more stress.  I'm surprised, though, that NJ laws are in the SD's favor, though, as in MA and CT I know it is just the opposite. 

I hope things work out for you and he just goes away.  Sounds pretty useless anyway.

Tina

NBN I feel your pain.  Thinking of you today as you go through this.

Amy

If my lawyer had not mentioned the termination on grounds of abandonment I would not have known about that law. With the termination, my son (JB) would have been able to be legally adopted if and when I remarried without any repercussions from the 'sperm donor', though when I met my dh, my son was 10 and established with his name and he said we don't need a piece of paper to say that we are father/son. Several years later at a scouting function, my hubby was refered to as Mr. B. He calmly stated that I am Mr. A, JB is my step son. In a family portrait we had made in 2004 several people who don't know the story say that JB looks like his dad. I just laugh when they say that because I know the rest of the story.

Sheila

I'm sorry Lilia

Hugs

The termination that I had done erased all the child support that he owed as well as any future monies. Things may have changes since my judgment (around 1990) regarding what happens during the termination. I never had to give my financial data, just that I was able to support him on my own. I told the judge that I had been doing that for the previous 5 yrs without much help from the 'sperm donor' (they don't even deserve the term father).

I know where you are coming from just by hearing his voice and getting shook up. When he called in 2002 I was a nervous wreck and I had not heard from him in 10+ yrs. When I get upset, I start shaking so much that my teeth chatter and chin quivers. My current hubby was so understanding he just held me and kept telling me that it would be alright.

My hubby though is on the opposite side of a similar equasion though he wanted to be a part of his daughter's life. His first wife and daughter live in GA, he paid the monthly child-support faithfully until she turned 18 and since we have been together (12 yrs) I have seen her exactly 5 times. His x-wife would not let their daughter have any contact with him while she was growing up. We were told that paying child support does not guarantee visitation. We would see her on his X's terms. We tried to schedule a visit with her when we went to FL for Christmas 8 yrs ago but his X would not allow us to even see her. 

Sheila

Lila,

Im not a hero or someone looking for a pat on the back...Im just a mother who loves her kids!!!!!! 

When I walked out that door the last thing he said to me was "You will never make it on your own!!!!!"

Well, check this out A$$hole----I am extremely proud of the fact that I put myself through college, worked full time and was a good mother all at the same time!!!!!!

Im proud of myself and I think anyone, be it man or woman, who has raised a child on their own and have seen the heart break they go through caused by a parent like my EX completely understands where your at and what your going through....

Like with breast cancer.........it is doable and you will get through it!!!!!

Hugs

Jule

Lilia....oh how I can relate!!

I feel for you, because it sounds like Jade is young. My youngest right now is 16, and her father owes me still for her older sister and for her.  He is behind by 11 grand.  He lives at home with his parents, has NO bills, when he does work, it's been under the table.  I haven't recieved hardly a penny since April 2007.  I carry the insurance for all 3 of my daughters.

There was a warrant out for his arrest since July 07.  He left the country to "work"in Honduras..yeah right!  He came back...I kept waiting for him to start working and paying something!! Well...he didn't, so finally I called the police..and they arrested him.  He spent 2 day's in jail...until he brother bailed him out.  We went to court..but it got postponed, because he was asking for a court appointed lawyer.  He claimed to the court that he found a job and would be starting it the next week.  It's been almost 3 weeks...we will see if any money starts getting deposited into my account.

Like you...I am a single mom....went through hell last year with my dx...and you would think they would step up to the plate and take care of their children??  Guess not!! I have learned I can't count on anything anymore!

Well...I see it as his loss.  My daughters do not have anything to do with him.  They have no respect for him.  How could they?

I hope you and Jade do well....and she finds someone else to be that positive male role model in her life.

All the best!

Lisa

LOL shel, you are like me .......  When I got cancer, I realized that my dd's dad would probably be taking care of her when I got chemo and I feared he'd break down in his clunker and have the nerve to call me while I was sitting in the chemo chair.

Well, I paid cash for a car with the promise he's pay me back, he paid 4 payments then abandoned the car when he moved (and was by this time out of our lives) ... thankfully, I registered it in his name and he has the collection on his credit instead of me (they tried to come after me since I held the pink). 

Lila,

What a day!!!!

Go enjoy Jades spelling B and forget about all this for awhile...

Dont cry, just enjoy your daughter, this is what life is really about ....

Hugs

Jule

You better believe I got Arthur, no problem. 

man I feel your pain.  It is hard to believe it cost you good money to protect yourself when you are in the right.  You can put a disclaimer on your credit reports so that when credit is applied for they will call a number that you give them like your cell # to verify it is you applying. 

Sure wish I could help you more.

Amy

Lilia,

Reading of your recent struggles really took me back a few years.  My son's father was out of our lives when he was 11 months old.  Never paid any support, even though ordered the measly sum of $30 a week.  I raised him myself ... no help from anyone.  After a few years of this, I decided to take him to court to RAISE the non-existent support.  Geez .. the judge almost allowed him to quit paying what he wasn't paying in the first place.  I just gave up.  I won't go into the pain he caused my son all those years.

Fast forward to his second ex-wife.  They had 2 kids, well she divorced his drunken ass too and he never paid her the court ordered support either.  Well ... two years ago she won a judgement for $100,000 for back support.  He had to take a lien out on his house with wife number three and child number four!!

At least one of us got some support out of him.  My son just turned 32.  He decided a few years ago to have a relationship with his father.  I kept my mouth shut all those years.  He suffered enough pain and hurt from him as it was. I did my best and loved him more than any mom ever could .. just like you, Amy, Roctober, Jules, Sheila and the other gals have written.

Our kids will always know who loved them and took care of them, who went to all their games, rehearsals, concerts, doctors appts, and took care of them when they were sick, who made their birthdays and holidays special. 

Keeping you in my thoughts,

Bren

To terminate a parents right's ?  Wow,  seems to me to be a bit extreme.  I know a little about raising kids and so before any of you gals get upset let me give you some history.  I was a father of two great kids by the time I was 20 years old.  My ex and I were great friends post separation until she started to date another man.  Needless to say this man had a sexual appetite for little girls.  I ended up with custody of my little girl.  During the two years my head was fck up while keeping myself from committing a crimminal offense I paid no child support.  I repeat nothing.........I had a hard time keeping my mind focused as I kept searching for my kids........as my ex would move as to avoid me confronting the offender who lived with my ex.  So,  I ended up getting custody after my daughter was victimized.  I am a sperm donor per this groups definition.  Would you think that my parental rights should be stripped?  My daughter is now 27 years old  She just recently 3 years ago re-established a relationship with her mother whom abandoned her for  a man.........Her mother had a son with me and two other kids with the offender to boot.  So  the point I am making is that  had I stripped my ex of her parental rights than my daughter would have yet another  hurdle to over come in terms of reconnecting with her mother.  Yes,  it's unfair that single parents are often the sole provider as the absent parent usually removes themselves from the picture.  That said,  you have all  of the memories to look back upon in the latter years of life.  The memories of our children will be truthful,  sometimes maturity brings out the real light, but if we as single parents move towards the termination options I feel that it would and could back fire on some of those that don't think it through.  Is it fair that men and women don't pay support?  Hell no.  In the end though it does catch up to the absent parents whom avoid the support payments.  I have seen it come back big time on those guys I know whom thought they were getting away with it.  This isn't to minimize what you all are going through,  I did as well,  but I think it could be a mistake.  Only in extreme cases do I believe that severing a parents rights to be  justified.  I can only hope that states begin to deny drivers licenses, etc to dead beat parents.  yes most are men but there are dead beat mom's as well.  In terms of  men.  Some men simply can't deal with the control that women force upon them post divorce custody issues.  My ex got away with a lot before I got custody.  What did I learn from all of the hell my daughter and  I went through?  I stayed away from women for twelve years because of  the baggage I got from my exp with divorce courts and the unfair application of a double standard.  Men vs women in custody issues.  My ex never paid me a dime in child  support..................Nothing.............she wasn't ordered by the court either. ................so what's the lesson here?  If you have custody then assume your going to be the sole provider and live accordingly.  I know its not going to be the opinion most here agree with but its mine after my own personal exp of being a single parent.  I am also free from hatred as I forgave my ex many years ago. The act of forgiving her was by for the best thing I ever did formyself..........................

I have a dead beat mom story for ya...

A very long story short. My son has had physical custody of my grandson since he was 5mos old, she basically handed him over.  He finally wins full custody in court 2yrs later, after paying HER child support that entire time. She was ordered to pay CS but never has paid a dime, he's 5 now.

A few months ago, she decides she wants him back after all this time. She claims she's married now and settled down, blahblahblah.

The custody case begins, the Guardian Ad Litem is hired and finds out that she is a dominatrix and married one of her slaves! I'm not kidding!  Guess what? Our court system is so screwed up, it says it does not matter what goes on in a persons bedroom....may be she's a good mom now!

The GAL said not to worry...she's a pathological liar too. But you know, the courts still love children to be with the mothers and that is what has our family worried sick.  And about the CS? Oh it's just a few thousand and it doesn't have anything to do with custody....

yeah, unbelievable.

Pam