My Niece's Mom read her diary - What should I say to her?

Laura,

I am a Mom of 5. Four boys, one girl.  They range from 13,15,17,19,20.  The girl is 19 and in her first year of college. 

I do have a little experience with teenagers.LOL!

I agree with you, Mom's do get nosy when they feel they need to check up on their children and they should any parent that 100% trust their teenager is a fool!  I clean their rooms go through notes I find, always call land line to make sure my kids are where they say.  (With cellphone they could be anywhere!)  Teenagers are naturally trying to experience new things and have independence from their parents, all of them will do something that adults would consider bad it is just the degree that counts most.  EX.  saying a swear word ,or drunk driving, yeah totally different degree but both are bad!

But in your nieces case there seems to be either an overreaction by Mom,(is she an over reactive parent), or the BAD is something really serious, drugs,sex etc...!  So Mom maybe right in the punishment she dished out.  You can't know until your niece explains it to you if she does. 

I would not push for the information just listen to her.  It is great that she has you to call,and is very interesting that that this journal contains things she did not tell her best friend.  To me that sends a sex signal.  I could be way off here,but girls do not always want to share that for fear of being judged harshly or labeled  by their friends.

It is a confusing time, but if you have seen a good pattern of parenting up until now I would trust that the mother has done the right thing.  Just explain to your niece the two most important words for every problem in this world, Choices and communication.

Honestly think about it, every day is filled with nothing but choices. Stay home from work, brush my teeth or not etc.... every choice can be good or bad and if it is bad, than communicating can help you work through the bad times.

My kids have gotten the two C's since they were babies.  While far.... from perfect they have not made any really stupid choices.  And the bad ones they have chosen always follows with a talk from Mom on how we could have chosen a different path.  Still works even with the 20yr who I just informed that I was taking his Credit card away for choosing  to spend to much money!!LOL!  He gets it back when balance is 0. 

I do not know if this helps.  Just be there for your niece and tell her  this to shall pass!  Life goes on, sometimes with very valuable lessons learned!

Daniella

Wow...a very sticky situation!  I don't know..maybe the mom suspected some of these "bad" things and decided to do some digging around?

I can tell you what *I* would do if I suspected my teen was doing (example here..not saying your niece was doing this) drugs or other bad things.  I would do the same thing.  I know I know...sounds bad.  But I would rather invade his privacy and get those bad things out in the open to deal with them.

I think you are doing the right thing by listening to your niece and offering gentle suggestions.  You can be her venting post without you "taking sides" so to speak.  My niece and I are very close..kinda the same situation as your's.  She is now grown and married with kids of her own.  She wrote me a letter just this year....letting me know just how much our relationship means to her.  Made me cry, lol.

Take care,

Bugs

I had exactly the same thought that DianeE did about your niece leaving the diary out in the open -- that it was a subconscious cry for help.

I also think Inna makes a very good point: "And whatever was in that diary might have been something dangerous as evidenced by the punishment. The niece does not complain about the severity of the punishment but only about the way the misdeed was discovered."

Laura, I agree with everyone who has said you have handled this well, and the best thing is just to keep lines of communication open with your niece, and not to express disapproval of her mother, and support your niece in making good choices about her own behavior. 

At her age the things teens do that get them in trouble are often signs of needing guidance and gentle steering. Depression, anxiety, sex, drinking and drugs, eating disorders, self mulilation, school etc are just some of the problems girls her age deal with. Unless it's a repeated defiance of something previously discussed, it's hard for me to see what could be so awful to cause her mom to punish her so severely. If she's drinking and driving or getting in the car with those who do, that would be a biggie-- but might even be better handled by insuring that she can call her mom if she ever needs a ride-- no questions asked while instilling the virtues of finding fun w/o alcohol, calling to check an adult will be home if she's going to be at a party etc. If she's having sex or is or was pregnant, punishment isn't the answer, but education on birth control and stds and and deciding whether she's ready for a sexually intimate relationship etc. Your bro and sil have a small window of time to deal with any concerns that may have been found in her diary-- if they're too strict she might not have the skills to deal with situations while she's in college etc.

Again she is so lucky to have you.

i got hold of my dtr's cell phone recently (she was asleep and it was set to 'vibrate')  ............ the texts she was receiving from her male 'friend' (3 years her senoir) were quite disturbing.

.......... long story short, as mad as she was for me "spying", she was able to communicate to me that she felt relieved that i'd intervened because she felt overwhelmed at the pressure being put on her by this young man and that her friends kept saying "go for it" etc etc.

god was speaking to me the night i intercepted those texts ............. it's incredibly tough to be a single parent, but i try to find the right balance every single day.  it is tiresome and frustrating at times, but i'm all she's got.

i say .......... "snoop when your gut tells you to, but talk before you punish"  otherwise let them find their way with lots of input, reflection and knowledge from the parent ............ and knowing that they have an outlet in an aunt or grandparent etc. is most invaluable in a single parent household! (or any 'normal' household for that matter).

i never purposefully snoop on my kid, but i've overlooked my gut instincts one too many times in the past to my own detriment .......... and it's one thing when it comes to me being hurt, but totally another thing when it comes to my child.

.............. i'm learning to listen ............. laura, you are a gem! 

Hi Laura,

I didn't respond earlier to your post because I wasn't sure how to put into words what I was thinking. But after reading Shel's post, I really couldn't have said it better. I think mom's have an instinct and sometimes we really need to pay attention to that. I like that she said to talk about it before punishing. I think that is really wise. We shouldn't try to exasperate our children, and our children should respect and honor our wishes as their parents.

By the way, I sure wished that I had a loving and caring aunt like you!! You are super!

Hugs,

Lexi

 I completely agree with Shel.  

Laura, it's wonderful you have the relationship with your nieces that you do.  You can be there for them in a way that is different than their mom can be and that is something to treasure.  You are someone for them to turn to, to vent, to confide in, someone they can trust...who can't ground them.  LOL.   I have an aunt like that and I can't imagine my life without her.