i need some advice

Dear Zakles23,

I am so sorry your Mom is going through this.  Sometimes our breast cancer is just as hard on family members emotionally as it is for us.  Five years is a long time to deal with this disease.

I'm sure your Mom means it when she tells you to live your life.  My own

39 year old daughter moved to England two years ago, six months after I had been diagnosed.  She had gone to every appointment with me, took

notes, and asked questions for me.  Although I miss her, I would not want

her to miss out on opportunities because of my illnes. 

Would it be possible for you to talk to someone with experience, in dealing

with your guilt, and fear for your Mom?  Just tell her how much you love her

and admire her courage. Best wishes to you.

MomoB

Hi Zakkles.  My daughter is only 2 but I tried putting myself in your mom's shoes when I read this, and here are some thoughts.  1) she does really want you to live your life to the fullest, 2) yet she does miss you.  What will comfort her is probably knowing that you're okay, your life is going to go on in very positive ways, and that you haven't forgotten her. 

Since your father is such good daily support, you could take a different support role at a distance.  Various types of support are needed.  My best advice to you is to keep in frequent touch with your mom (phone, email, letters, whatever) and tell her about your life.  It will be distracting and gratifying to her to see that you are indeed seizing opportunities, and it will be comforting to her that you reach out a lot.  Somewhere on these boards I saw a bc survivor saying how wonderful it was to hear from old friends and she told them she wanted to hear about THEIR lives.  She was sick of talking about her cancer.  So you don't have to talk about cancer all the time, or confront all your feelings with her.  One of my friends suggested sending a postcard every week, just saying what you did that day or "thinking of you".  I love postcards, myself, especially from places I haven't been.  Frequent contact and lots of love.  That's my gut feeling.  And do find a support group or counselor for the guilt.  Good luck!

Zakkles,

First, let me say that I am so sorry your family is going through this. Too, too many are.

Secondly, as someone who was diagnosed with stage IV bc 2 years ago--and has 3 kids aged 17, 13, and 11--I wanted to give you a little bit from the "mom perspective".  My oldest son is a junior in high school and we are beginning to make his plans for college. It is and always has been my dream that my children pursue whatever educational and career opportunities that they truly love; if you love what you're doing, the rest will fall into place. I recently found out that my oldest son is limiting his college choices because of what may or may not happen to me.  I am so blessed that he loves me that much but it saddens me that this awful disease's impact on our family is reaching so far as to affect my son's life for years to come. The very best schools for his chosen path are nowhere near where we live. Staying close "enough", just in case, is going to mean he is not going to get the very best--and that is truly what I want for him. Whatever may or may not happen with me is, sadly, dictating his choices. I hate that. I truly do. I have always known and expected my boys to grow up and move away--probably far away--because true opportunities for them are not to be found where we are. Although it has always been something I dreaded, I have expected and even dreamed for it.

As someone who has great faith in God I also know that whatever happens in this life here on earth, we will all meet again someday in heaven and be together for all eternity. I would rather my boys be off pursuing their hearts' wish than have them keeping vigil around a sick and dying mother. I don't want them to remember me that way. I want them to remember the fun, the laughter, the silly little moments that just happen. 

We moms really DO want our "babies" to go out and spread their wings. We HATE that our struggles and suffering with this disease causes our kids to hurt. We hate even more that what is, in the grand scheme of things, a short segment of our life and struggle might make your lives harder for years to come. It is our true and honest wish that our children be happy and content. We want them to have opportunities and the advantages that can be had by "working a plan"--be it schooling or career or whatever.

What can you do for your mom?  BELIEVE her when she says all the "right mom things". She surely means them. LOVE her and TELL HER so! Let her know that when her time comes, you will remember the joyful, happy things about her and not the awful things the cancer has done.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your family will be in my prayers!

((((HUGS))))
Diane