Do you ever feel like giving up? Depression's ugly head

gandl
gandl Member Posts: 88
edited June 2014 in ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
Do you ever feel like giving up? Depression's ugly head
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  • gandl
    gandl Member Posts: 88
    edited March 2008

    My breast surgeon referred me to a psychologist, who referred me to one of his colleagues.  I'm already on anti-depressants, have been off and on since I was 12 (I'm 54 now).  My last round has been for 13 years.  I have had difficulty coping with very difficult family situations, and at first the ILC diagnosis seemed almost like a way out.  This is counter to anything else I've read on these boards, and I don't feel this way all the time or I wouldn't be getting treatment.  I'm fighting myself and the selfishness of not really wanting to fight the ILC.  I shouldn't be feeling the way I do.  My financial situation is quite precarious also, and I don't think I can actually afford to see the psychologist.  I don't seem to have the ability to get or stay positive.  I also don't see any hope for my other personal problems to improve.  I guess  my depression just seems to have gone from chronic to major again.  I hope I don't offend anyone with this post, but I wondered if anyone else has found a way to cope with this type of thing.  Thanks

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  • ashaby
    ashaby Member Posts: 278
    edited March 2008

    Dear Gandl,

    I too have fought depression my whole life. Then add breast cancer and alot of strength is drawn on. But just make sure you gather a support group, like online here,and you have to take it one day, one test, one bad mood at a time.Glad you have a therapist. Most have a sliding fee scale.I see one too. Lots of us do and lots are on antidepressants.You reached out here on the boards! Keep posting.



    Basha

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  • gandl
    gandl Member Posts: 88
    edited March 2008

    Basha, Thanks for replying.  It's nice to know I'm not alone.  gandl

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  • nash
    nash Member Posts: 2,600
    edited March 2008

    Gandl--just wanted to give you a cyber hug. We're all here for you, on good days and on bad ones. Basha's right--just take things one day at a time.

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  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited March 2008

    I have never had depression, but who can NOT be depressed about getting BC, add to that previous history of depression and it is a situation waiting to happen.

    I am so happy that you found this place as the ladies here are unbelievably helpful and kind.

    If you cannot afford a therapist, perhaps your local hospital offers free meetings/chapters in the evening as support groups.

    Our hospital has a whole building devoted to assist BC gals to adjust to the new normal, maybe yours does as well.  Contact your local cancer org. chapter and maybe they can assist you as well.

    Many prominent women in our area who have BC dx started mentor programs and various support programs; perhaps your area has something similar.

    Don't go it alone....this is a diagnosis that allows one to reach the brink quickly.

    If you can't find anything locally and affordable, continue to come here and post.  You will not offend anyone!!

    cyberhugs!! 

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  • dhettish
    dhettish Member Posts: 501
    edited March 2008

    Hi Gandl,

    I, too suffered from depression since about puberty. I turned to alcohol in my college years and then finally to a 12 step program that turned my life around. Today, I have learned to reach out to others for help. Find a support group for BC or Cancer survivors in your area and go to the meetings. I find that I need to share with those who can identify. Friends w/o cancer just don't get it. My good friend who is also a bc survivor is going through throat cancer now. We both agree that we only enjoy talking to one another.

    I have found these boards to be really helpful and on my down days, I stay on them constantly.

    I am in a positive mood today but 6 weeks ago, I was thinking suicidal thoughts. I know they were only thoughts and crazy thoughts at that. I never let them get further. I grabbed one of my 11 cats and cuddled and felt a little better. I learned that some days all I can do is hang on. And sometimes I need help hanging on. I ask for help today. I reach out today. 

    A big cyber hug to you and if you need help hanging on, I'm here.

    Debbie 

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited March 2008

    Yes, yes and yes. Pearl

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  • gandl
    gandl Member Posts: 88
    edited March 2008

    Dear Debbie,  Your post was very encouraging to me.  I smiled when I read of your 11 cats.  You must always be able to find one that is in the mood for cuddling.  I have three cats, but only one is reliably in the mood to be picked up and cuddled at any time.

    It helped me also that you said you had suicidal thoughts that are just that, only thoughts.  Shortly after I got home from surgery and family members were fighting, I just didn't feel that I could deal everything anymore.  When they left the house I spent about 45 minutes weeping and wailing (something I have never done before, I always try to keep it quiet).  I had a new bottle of oxycontin there and it looked tempting to just take it all.  I even prayed to die.

    Well, fast forward 4 weeks and I don't feel that way now.  I've got to remember that these things pass, that I can continue on.  I have a great deal of guilt about feeling this way.  My family and friends do want me here. 

    Basha, Nash, Wallycat, and Pearl,  Sincere thanks for your support and cyberhugs.  You are wonderful people.

    gandl 

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  • dhettish
    dhettish Member Posts: 501
    edited March 2008

    Hi Gandl,

    Get prepared. You are in the emotional ride of your life. Somedays I cry all day. then the next day, I feel so good, it is like I am high. I learn to enjoy those good days and endure those bad days.

    Nice to know you are a cat lover. Petey, my third youngest is a really sweetie. He knows when I am feeling low and always comes to comfort me. He is the only unselfish cat I know. Pets are great for when you are feeling down.

    I used to volunteer at my local humane association. I find helping others gets me out of myself. I will no longer be able to do that because I fear getting lymphedema. I have been bit and scratched several times. I'll still do work for them on their fundraising, but no more scooping poop and cleaning dirty linens. Which is what I did today. Bathed the dogs and cleaned their bedding. I also have 2 dogs.

    Glad you are doing better. I remember the day before my double mast I got a pillow and put in on the floor and literally threw a temper tantrum screaming and kicking my feet. I think I wore myself out. Then my hubby suggested we go see "The Simpsons". He is a big fan. I felt a lot better but I have no memory of the movie. 

    Also, no guilt about are feelings. We have them and that's all they are. We can have guilt about our actions but not about our feelings. Somedays, it is just tough. You might want to try the thread, "I'm bitchy, I moan...I groan..." It is hilarious. When we are having a bad day, we post. and then the others join in with "that sucks"!

    Debbie 

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