Intimacy vs nonIntimacy,

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mailman
mailman Member Posts: 81
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
Intimacy vs nonIntimacy,
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  • mailman
    mailman Member Posts: 81
    edited March 2008

    Here is some history.

    Have a friend that has been my gf on and off for two years now.  We have had to say the least a significant number of problems and our relationship as bf and gf was and has been terminated by both of us.  We call now call ourselves f  buddies.....sorry for the crudeness.  We can be great together and we also can be horrible together.  I guess we are just not sure of us anymore.  That is what we were at the time she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

    She just had surgery last week.  At dinner last week after I went with her to her doctors appointment (re surgery) I told her that I was going to be with her and see her through her treatment.  The night before surgery she was very aggressive and we were indeed intimate.  She wanted to be intimate the night she got home from surgery, and the night thereafter.  I have slept in a different room when we have spent time together......not that I don't show her that I am a normal man with normal appetites but I am and have been very guarded for several months now.  Do I love her.......yes.  Do we have a future.........I don't know.  I  think that we are not compatible and thus my concern.  I will be there for her as I do care about her.  My concern is that if I maintain this intimacy component of our relationship and thus withdrawl after her chemo, etc  That she will see it as a result of her cancer when in fact it is not.  Would I engage in intimacy with her had she not been dx with Cancer?  Probably.....as we do care about each other.  However,  I want to be her real friend and be there for  the long haul........I  don't want to jeopardize her need for my support by doing something stupid.  I don't want to make this  any harder on her self esteem than it already is.........Would l like some feedback.  I will check  in a day or two for your advice.  We don't live together and are pretty much see each other every weekend or so.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2008

    Mark,

    I just replied to your post on the "Just beginning" one that you posted in before I found this post.

    Im sorry to hear that your friend was dx'd and having to go through this....

    You are in a rough spot my friend, the advice you seek is going to bring you many different answers to your dilema...

    I for one take my hat off to you for seeking this type of advice and for wanting to be her friend for the long haul even though you likely both realize your not meant to be together in a long term relationship...

    If your asking if you should stay in the intimate side relationship until after she  has finished treatment then I must say the only way for you to be her friend is to be totally and completely up front/honest with her....She is going through alot emotionally right now and I believe if you stay in it without her knowing your intentions for after treatment it will make things much, much harder for her to accept...

    Mind you this is just my opinion and I think it is the way I would feel if I were in this type of situation...I would want my bf to be honest with me and I believe that if we had this type of conversation prior to my treatment I would be more understanding than if it happened after....it gives such false hopes in a relationship to go through something like this believing one thing to find later that it wasnt correct...

    Best wishes with this....

    Jule

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  • mailman
    mailman Member Posts: 81
    edited March 2008

    I  should  make  it  clear that my gf/friend broke it off several times.  We both discussed the issue  before the results of the biopsy came back. We agreed to address our compatibility issues after we get her through her treatments.......I just want to make sure I don't make it harder and need to hear from those that have been there.  She is a great gal and a good friend.  Whether we can be life partners? I  don't  know. Not sure but that is something  I am not thinking about not nor am I trying to figure out as I want her to keep her mind focused on her health ........

    Mark

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited March 2008

    Mark -- first of all, thanks for moving your post!  That was very thoughtful on your part!

    My BF and I had a similar relationship -- best friends with "benefits" -- he was really there for me through initial dx and treatment.  I was aware that this was emotionally risky for me in the sense that he and I have longstanding (almost 10 years' worth!) compatibility issues -- and I might feel very sad for the closeness and "access" to diminish as I got better -- but I thought "who knows what tomorrow will bring?" and "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" (in terms of being intimate with him).  But yes, the access has lessened as I've gotten further along, and it doesn't feel totally great -- on the other hand, it did feel totally great during tx...

    These are tough circumstances.  Some people will say "how could you!" -- either to me, or to my BF!  But things aren't always so clearcut.

    I guess, in our case, my BF was pretty clear about the problem issue -- which was actually a sexual compatibility problem due to an earlier medical problem of mine -- not that he was always in my face with it!  Certainly, I didn't want that!  But it's not like I thought we would "live happily ever after."  But still, I WISHED we would!

    I would say, Jule has pretty good advice.

    Good luck to you and your GF,

    Ann

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited March 2008

    Mark,

    I dont see a problem at all with a "friends w/benefits" type relationship through her health issues as long as it is something you have talked about and both are in agreement with....

    Actually I think that is the type friend Im looking for right now.....I went through my journey with breast cancer alone as far as a significant other and there were many days I wished there were someone to come home to or to take care of me when I felt like crap...

    I think what your doing in this relationship is a great thing....there are too many times in life that relationships dont work and there are nasty feelings...its nice to see something like this, especially at such an awful time for the two of you...

    Jule

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