Starting Chemo in JAN 2007

Hi Ladies,

Viddie welcome back and good to hear from you again!

Lynn, I'd feel good to know there was cause for the prophylactic removal. Hurray for the clean tests!

Joni, yay for finishing rads. I need to make one of those honey-do lists. You DO sound more like yourself.

Cindy I'm sorry about your friend too. My favorite book was UPLIFT Secrets from the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Survivors. I wished I'd had it sooner. It's at http://breastcancer.about.com/od/bookreviews/p/uplift_book.htm for one place.

Mary have fun at those parties.

Rebecca, last night DH brought home a movie for our romantic evening together and guess what he picked...TRANSFORMERS! No kidding! I managed to watch about half of it before conking out but every time Optimus Prime showed up I thought of Owen and his helmet.Today I made sure to go to the library and get some more episodes of The Wire to watch. Just a tad more adult :-) - Skye

Hi, everybody. I've been reading, and attempting to post - I comment on various things, then get to my own stuff and lock up, and end up posting nothing. Tonight, I won't try to say everything, I'm just checking in.

First of all, Joni, I'm sooo happy to hear you sounding like your old self again, and glad you're feeling better. You don't complain enough - I didn't realize things had gotten so bad that you were using a walker - but if you are better, that's all that counts. I'm hoping that the acupuncture continues to make things better. I've put off resuming my acupuncture because she is way far away, through dreadful traffic. This week I decided to just simplify and try someone nearby. If they don't work out, the other lady will still be there.

Tina, I'm so glad you're having good traffic through your house, although I know it's a pain in the a$$. Sounds promising that the house will sell quickly, and I hope Paul can get out of his lease.

Rebecca, I've been thinking about you. I think, as someone else said, that you should get a third PS opinion, just to reassure yourself. I think you will find agreement, even if unspoken, that your first PS was a bozo, and you may find that you click better with #3 than #2. I've seen lots of people's reconstructions, and I know you don't have to put up with what you evidently ended up with. Your expectations aren't unrealistic, I'm sure. Wish I could bring you here to see my PS.

Viddie, glad you're home - missed you! I take Lexapro and have for years, and I like it a lot. Antidepressants aren't habit forming, you just have to taper off them. Antianxiety meds, however, can be habit forming, so you're probably wise to look for an alternative to that approach. My toenails are still a problem - thanks, Taxol! I certainly hope it saved my life, because it is sure causing a lot of problems now. Caya, your hair looks great. Lynn, glad your path report was ok, but even gladder you did the prophy. And hugs to you - I'm so sorry about Willie. Nancy, you're stronger than you know - I don't know if I could cope with what's on your plate right now. Just power through it, and eventually, you'll have a nice remodel. Hope Jeff finds some suitable employment soon. Skye, glad you're feeling better, or at least you sound better. You have my sympathy about the Transformers movie. Sounds like something my DH would do.

Everybody else, I love you, and I don't even remember what I've responded to, so just know I'm thinking of you all.

As far as what's up with me.......I guess I've just hit bottom. There's lots of different parts of it. The pain goes on, and if I thought I had to live the rest of my life like this I'd have to think twice about it. That is not a veiled suicide threat, don't worry. It's just miserable - I'm miserable. My job, that I've always loved, is almost intolerable right now - our working conditions are impossible, and there is no support there when we try to suggest ways to improve things, even temporarily. I think after my surgery I'll have to change jobs, and I don't want to. I'm anxious about seeing my PS this week, because I'm so uncomfortable that I'm afraid she'll say I'm in no shape to have surgery. I was doing so much better for a while - now I can't exercise again, thanks to the fall on the knee, I've picked up 5 lb. or so, and I feel like a cow. And my hair is ridiculous. I wear the wig because I don't have the time or the energy to fight it, and even if I blow it dry, round brush, flat iron, gel, etc., I still look like an old lady with a bad perm. Then I feel bad about myself because I can't accept myself for who I am. My DH doesn't understand any of this. I feel ugly, mutilated, worthless, guilty for feeling all of the above....that's what's going on with me. That's why I haven't been posting. I just hate to drop a big bomb of negativity on everyone. I know you've all had your moments, too. My first year was a breeze - I think that I'm just now dealing with things most of you have already handled.

Sorry - I'll be ok eventually - just thought maybe I'd better get it all out in the open. I'm working on handling all of this stuff - I've asked for physical therapy, and got an order for it, although no starting date yet. I will go for counseling if I think it's necessary. I've been to my PCP. Now I'm talking to my bc sisters. Thanks for listening.

Hi all,

Thanks everyone once again for sharing your thoughts with me about Effexor. When do you take it, morning or night? He did not give me the time-released one. He wants me to start with 37.5 for a few days and see how I feel and then take 2 pills to equal 75 mg. Is the time-released better?

I have a muga scan tomorrow morning and hopefully my heart will be pumping normal again so I can resume the herceptin. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. When I speak to my oncologist tomorrow after she gets the results, I will also check with her on the Effexor.

Tina,

If Dan is not happy with his apartment, there must be a good reason. Hopefully he can get out of his lease before you get there. My dd lives in Dupont Circle and loves it there. It is a very nice area with lots of boutiques and restaurants. What part of DC does he live in? How did your house showings go?

Viddie

Good Sunday my sisters.  I have been laying a bit low and staying away from my computer for a bit, because I have a lot to think about regarding my reconstruction.  I called the PS office the other day to speak to the Dr’s assistant in an attempt to resolve some of my uncertainty about what he said.  I laid it on the line for her, and told her that I was not clear on what his recommendation actually was…and that I wanted clarification.  The message I received, via his assistant was that the Dr said that the biggest problem with my recon is that that there IS no problem with it.  In other words, physically I am fine and healthy, and I am not experiencing any capsular contracture or any other type of complication.  Basically, he continued, I just do not like how it looks. (duh).  That said, his opinion is that he could change my implant, but could not guarantee that it will look better, it might look worse…AND he is hesitant to operate on me given that (in his professional opinion) there is not actually anything wrong (you do not want to “look for trouble”).  He suggested I go for another consult with another Dr, and if I was still interested he would meet with me again and discuss the possibilities “in detail”. 

The thing that I liked about it is that he seemed to be trying to be very honest and realistic…but on the other hand I found it rather upsetting to be basically told that my satisfaction with my result is not actually very important.  In the end I am left with a niggling feeling that I am just being vain, and I should be grateful for what I have, and move on with my life. 

I am of two minds now regarding a second opinion…on the one hand I have been encouraged by many people to seek it, and told that I SHOULD be happy with my result, but on the other hand is the real truth that ANY procedure holds risk.  When I found out that I was going to have to have radiation, I did a bit of reading on the impact of radiation on implant reconstruction.  The consensus generally was that it was risky at best, and the risk of experiencing implant failure and/or capsular contracture increases with every procedure.  With that in mind, I tend to think that I should just suck it up, learn to adapt, and just give anyone who stares at my cleavage “the bird”.  Implants only have a lifetime of about 10 years anyway, so I can always switch out for smaller silicones at that point, and hopefully this would also allow my poor radiated tissues to regenerate enough that I would not be as likely to get contracture.

Well, anyway, that is my thought for today…who knows if that will change.  I realized the other day that part of my distress was the feeling of “being in process”.  I think I need to feel like I am “done”.  Strangely, it was my hair that brought me to this epiphany…I went and got a haircut on Friday morning.  I really like it…but what I did NOT do was get a “transition” haircut like what so many of you guys have done…haircuts intended to look good as they grow out.  I intentionally got a short hairstyle.  In reflecting on this afterwards I realized that it was because I could not bear to be in the process of growing my hair out…I just wanted my hair to be done.  By choosing a short hairstyle I have accomplished this.  I just want to be done with the whole thing.  I think that if I change my mindset about my reconstruction like I did about my hair I can be done with that as well…and all without surgery.  How is that for rationalization?

Speaking of Hair…..Caya I love your new cut!   It looks really great.  I need to add my name to the list of those totally overwhelmed by hair products.  During chemo when I was bald I would walk past the hair product aisle and sigh…and I could not even look down there because it was almost like porn.  NOW I am just afraid!  I finally decided that most of that stuff is the same.  I wound up selecting a product line based on how nice it smells…and I just got two different gels of different stiffness.  (for those who are wondering, I got Loreal Fructis).  Mary..I am not sure that we need chemo hair products so much as a guide to the hair product aisle for the post-chemo woman.  Should come packaged with an atiman, or a shot of bourbon LOL

Tina, my DH has said more or less the same thing about a nipple tattoo for me…he doesn’t care…so in my book why bother?  UGH about your DH’s apartment.  As if it is not bad enough that he has to be separated from you guys he has to live in a pit?  UMMMM NOT!!!  A word of advice, though…if he does wind up staying there, Futons are much more comfortable to sleep on if you put the cushion on the floor.  My heart goes out to you about your son running off like that…I see the start of such things with Frances as she is starting to wander our immediate neighborhood.  My solution is to force her to keep her cellphone in her pants pocket, and if I call her and she does not answer she is in BIG trouble. 

Melia, it sounds like your DH is on the right track…I am so glad that his decision is progressing.  I think particularly in the case of prostate surgery it is very important to make sure you get the best, and are comfortable because of the potential of unpleasant side effects.  You are a wonderful wife and partner…keep up the good work, and keep wrapping him in love and he will be better than fine! 

Skye I wish I lived near Baltimore, I would love to come and hear you speak!

Joni you do indeed sound great…I am so glad that the zaps did their job and you are feeling so much better in body and mind.  Enjoy your trip!

Debbie glad you are home and that you had a great trip.  Waiting for the pics…..

Ack Amera…your poor friend.  I wish I could recommend a good book, but I found that they ALL freaked me out so I wound up not reading any of them.  I just found out that an acquaintance of mine was diagnosed with LCIS.  She was very fortunate, because they found it by accident during a biopsy of an unrelated calcification.  It was VERY small, which I know is relatively unusual.  She is scared out of her mind, and I wound up talking to her for about an hour, holding her hand and trying to make her feel better.  She told me later that just being there with me helped her a lot. 

VIDDIE!!!! So glad you are home!  Missed you so much!  My toenails and fingernails are continuing funky…my left big toe actually has a peeling spot low down on the nail.  Very odd.  Regarding the Effexor, I basically did the same thing with the medication…I jumped at my PCP and asked for the specific medication rather than hear the alternatives. I guess we are all kind of brainwashed in that respect.  For me, though, the problem was depression not anxiety so it was a good choice for me anyway, and I have not experienced adverse effects from it, so in the end it was right for me.  If you are unsure, I would call the office and talk to someone about it, and just be honest that you felt like you jumped to fast and you would like to hear the alternatives.  I found that I felt a bit jittery when I first started it, but that feeling went away after about a week.

WHEW Lynn….I am glad you got the prophy as well!!  That is scary.

Cindy, that is so sad about your friend.  I hope that she feels well, and you are a great friend to support her like that.

Tina I am sure your house is going to sell pronto given all the traffic.  It is truly a gem…lovely and tasteful.  Well staged to sell and an excellent price.  You will have an offer before you know it!  Oh…and I forgot to tell you that we are planning a family vacation to (you guessed it) WASHINGTON DC in April!  I will  keep you posted on dates…maybe we can hook up the families and do some of the museums together.  Woo Hoo!

LOL Skye about watching Transformers!!!  It is actually a fairly funny movie..although I had to watch it about 10 times before I started to appreciate the finer points….. My DH is rather fond of the hot chick who knows a lot about cars.  Apparently that is very sexy.

Ok, I have not made it all the way down the posts that I missed (just got to you, Mel….) but we have chores to take care of here, so I will have to sign off for now.

Sorry for the long post…and thank you for the millionth time for being my sisters.  I do not know what I would do without your loving support, and the feeling of all of your hands holding mine when I am down.  I can not wait to hold your hands for real in July!

xoxo

Hi Gals,

Just a quick check in, haven't read the weekend posts- my friend Marla is in from Dublin so we've been busy.  Yesterday was DH's birthday so I invited some friends over that have met Marla over the years and we ordered in deli.  Both the DDs were here, it was very nice. 

Amanda is going back to university today, this will be it as she has one month left of classes until her final exams in April.  Then we will have her graduation ceremony in June.

Today I'm running over to the mall as one piece of Marla's luggage broke on the plane, so she needs a new one.  Then we're driving downtown for dinner and she'll take the bus to St. Catharines, a town near Niagara Falls where we both grew up - Her Mom lives there so she's visiting her for a few days.

Will read all the posts later -

Did read Lynn's - thank heavens everything came out okay with all your tests -

xoxo Caya

Caya you look FABULOUS!!!!!  I love the haircut, it is so becoming.

Hi All,

Lynn, that's a great path report. Like Mary, I kinda wish I had know enough to have a bilateral, but am not ready for another surgery at this point. My onc says he will ok it if I can't sleep for worry (I had idc) but to weigh the risks of elective surgery.

Mary and Mel, I am sorry your jobs have deteriorated and become unpleasant for you. We spend so much time at work that it's a real shame to be miserable there. I wish I had wise words for you. It's hard, once you have seniority, etc, to think about changing.

Mel, you sound like you just have too much on your plate. Are you babying yourself at all, doing anything you like just for yourself?  And you shouldn't be in so much pain. Is your doctor aware of how you feel?  I wish we could all scoop you up and wisk you off to Hawaii. Please tell me you still have the house cleaner. You cannot do everything yourself.  Gosh, I wish I had a magic answer for you. Please don't stay away; you need a safe place to vent.

Joni, have a wonderful, warm trip. Glad the rads helped.

Viddie, welcome back, you were much missed.

Caya, love your hair. Mine is much curlier. I had it shaped again on Friday, am coloring it tonight. Mine is still really curly. My daughter and hairdresser have both told me to "embrace the curls" and not fight them, that they will eventually calm down. So I use gel and wax for texture, and tons of spray.

Ok Rebecca, let's pretend you have saved money for a sofa. You know just what you want. You have the style and color all picked out, and you are very excited, visualizing just how it will look in your living room (at least til the kids, dog, cat, husband, get their grimey hands and feet on it). You order it, you wait for it to arrive. It comes, and it's the right color but it's totally the wrong style. Do you keep it, or do you insist that you get what you paid for?  And no, I am not saying your breast looks like a sofa. I am saying it isn't what you ordered. Unless you are willing to settle for what you didn't choose, don't want, and dislike, you exchange the sofa.

Having said that, I hate the idea of you having more surgery. I will tell you that my sil has implants that are 30 years old. That's a long time to live with something you don't like.

Hugs to all,

Melia

Mel - lots of hugs to you. This is when being far apart really stinks. I hope the physical therapy works.  I know how much you want to get that surgery behind you. You have waited for SO long.  

Rebecca - I've thought about it all weekend and here's my idea. I think you should wait until after you see us in July to make a decision. Hang out topless with us and we'll all give you our honest opinion on your results

Seriously, it's hard to say what's best. Tina and Melia both make great points. I'm the type to be never fully satisfied and a bit of a perfectionist so if it were me I think I'd go for the 3rd opinion and go for more surgery. After all of the agony we've been through you should at least end up with something you can live with. No reconstruction can ever be equal to the real thing - but you should be able to get a decent result that you are comfortable with. I wish I could help. 

We survived the weekend-long birthday bash. The girls party went well (we had 30 kids) but there was one snag I should have anticipated. One DD had more guests (and therefore more gifts) than the other. This wasn't well received so I had one sad and grumpy child after the party for a few hours. But then she got over it. Today grandparents were here visiting and they had a great time. 

I went for a 2+ mile walk today with the dogs while the in-laws were here with the kids. The weather was gorgeous (upper 60's) and I enjoyed every minute. I went to a local park that was very busy. There were lots of other dogs, some poorly behaved. I was thrilled to have 4 seperate people comment on how well-behaved my dogs were! All that training is finally paying off!

I'm hooked on a new TV show (new to me anyway) - "Weeds." Has anyone else seen it? I think it's a Showtime series, but we picked it up on DVD. It's very entertaining. 

Ok, back where I left off so suddenly yesterday…DH came back from Lowes with his project supplies and I had to help him out.  We had an exciting afternoon of installing an exhaust fan in out bathroom.  Not sure why it did not have one…we have had a disgusting mold problem in there from DAY 1 of living in this house because there is no ventilation and the walls literally DRIP after showers.  The new fan works great…next step is to do something about those nasty tiles and mold stains.  I have a plan….DH is not so thrilled LOL

OH MEL!!!! My heart is breaking from reading your post.  Forget sticking Owen in a box and sending him to you…please climb into a box and send YOURSELF here to me so I can pamper you and make you feel better.  We are always here to listen to you, do not worry about setting off negativity bombs…we have all been down and the best way to start the upward climb is to unload those feelings.  I think the PT is a great idea, you should not be suffering so.  I also think that counseling would be a good thing.  I saw a therapist all through the first months of my Dx and treatment.  He saw me through the end of Chemo and then I went on my way.  I am not sure if it helped, but it sure did not hurt!  I agree with Viddie about your hair.  Wear your wig as long as you want to.  As your hair gets longer, the curl will HAVE to relax from the weight of it.  Have you had it trimmed and shaped yet?  That might help as well.

Viddie, keeping my fingers crossed for your MUGA.  Regarding the Effexor time release vs. the “regular” stuff…I have actually taken both, and I do not notice a difference other than the fact that I have to take two pills a day rather than one.  For me, it is no big because I take my Tamoxifen twice a day anyway…so I just pop two tiny pills at the same time.

Mary hope you had fun at the bridal show

Caya it sounds like you had a wonderful weekend, surrounded by beloved daughters and dear friends.  YAY!

Melia a SOFA?! LOL what a wonderful analogy.  You are absolutely right of course.

And Tina, your experience has actually figured very strongly into my feelings….it keeps me from taking the idea of a surgery too lightly.   I think that those people lingering at the house for so long is an excellent sign.  I would say that they gave all the indications of wanting to make an offer.  I have my fingers crossed for you!

Jan..LOL!  Sounds like you had a lovely weekend too.

Skye, my DH has basically told me that he was “never a boob guy” anyway and that he would love me and find me sexy no matter what I decide to do.  That said, he also thinks that I should seek a third opinion, because he is convinced that I got the short end of the stick with my recon.  He says that the fact that I have to pad my bra is evidence enough that something went wrong.  Regarding transformers…I WISH I have only seen it 10 times.....there are parts of the dialog that I know by heart!

WHEW!  I am all caught up now.  Thank you all for your honest and supportive words.  I feel bad that I have been such a whiner..after all these troubles are really nothing in the scheme of things.  I think that I might go for another consult, but wait on any surgery until my sisters can judge me . In the meantime, I made an appointment to have the “cavern” repaired.  I will be having a small in-office procedure in the beginning of April to take care of that. 

Hugs to you all…I have to go make lunches.

Hi all,



My MUGA was 60!!! Yeah! Now I can continue it, starting on Thursday.

I also asked my oncologist about Effexor and she agreed that that was the drug of choice for anxious tamoxifen users and she thought it was a good idea for me to take it. I will start tomorrow morning.



Rebecca,

It is great that your dh is so handy. Putting a electrical vent in the ceiling is no easy task.

I was thinking of you. Do you like your BS? Mine helped me pick a few ps’s to interview. She told me she would be very comfortable recommending them to her family and she also talked about their personalities. They were excellent and caring ps’s, but I eventually went with the Lynn’s Diep PS and I am glad I did. My BS did not work in the same hospital, so Dr. Lee was not on her list. You might consider calling your BS and ask her to recommend a kind, caring, and competent ps for another opinion.

Caya,

You look great! Your daughter is so pretty.

Jan,

I am glad your birthday bash was a success. My kids still compete with each other. If I help pay for my dd’s airfare when she visits us, because she is trying to save for grad school, my ds thinks that is not fair, even though he has a full time job making a decent salary. There’s no winning.

Time to make dinner,

Love, Viddie

Skye, unreal on the doctors comment.  Extremely unprofessional.  He would def. be written up for that, if anyone knew.  It is kind of funny...funny that he thinks it's OK to ask that.

Viddie, yay on the 60!  Great news.  I have a cardiologist appt. this month and I'd guess I'll have another echo.  Curious to see where I'm at now.  On that note, I should get down on my treadmill.

I have my mammo and BS appt. on Thurs.  It's a late school start day so I farmed the kids out to neighbors.  Jaclyn is going to the house where I had the previous trouble w/the mom...there is a thaw.  And, she invited Jaclyn to come to her other daughters b'day party Sat. night (to keep her younger daughter company).  They are going to Olive Garden and the movies.  Will the wonders ever cease...  Mel, you are right...it is better to leave here on good terms than w/a bad taste.

Wow, Robbin, that law must just be in California?  I haven't heard of it.  I think that's GREAT!  I was rather ticked last year when I reminded my BS that he recommended an MRI six months previously.  He said why...you're not high risk.  I'm like HELLO?  This was just after all those articles came out saying we should have MRI's.  I think ins. co's flipped out at the cost and started a push to have doctors say no, it wasn't necessary.  Anyway, I reminded my dr. that his notes were in my file, not once, but twice...where he said I should get an MRI.  I then got one.  This week I'll be bringing the sheet where last years US tech recommends a follow up US on my recon. breast due to all the hardened, thickened tissue.  I swear, you've gotta have your b/w evidence to get what you want.

Mary, Mel is prob. right about the shadow.  But I hear you..my paranoia would set in too.  I currently have a small swollen node under my ear.  I know I successfully fought off a cold last week.  I could feel it coming on, so I'm sure that's what it's from but I can't say the "R" word didn't cross my mind.  This is the new normal, unfortunately.

Mel, so glad you're new place has got their act together.  That feels so good.

I've been relying on my Atiman more than usual this week, since DH left.  It's only been a week and I have "sell this house" anxiety.  Not sure if this hurts or helps, but my guru decorator neighbor...house is to freaking DIE for, seriously...is putting hers on the market tomorrow.  It's about the same size and she's listing at $524.  On one hand, that's $45K more than I'm asking, which is helpful, but her place is such a showplace, that could hurt.  One benefit I have is that I have total privacy in the backyard in the summer....she has a tower of a house behind her which very much limits her privacy.  Anyway, I def. feel the tension.  This is the first time we haven't had a corporate buyout when we moved and I've seen lots of women left beind here for months, trying to sell...

Hey ladies,

Tina, you have a lovely home too and the backyard privacy could be a huge selling point for anyone with kids or who likes their privacy.

Robbin I haven't heard of that law either but those MRIs can't hurt.

Mel, you do sound better, maybe it helped to get that appt. behind you. I would have freaked at hearing I was singled out, too. I'm always suspicious of hospital "codes" now and trying to figure out their gestures and looks which is probably really paranoid. It is good you have all those things in writing to bring back to them. And you know, I am sure I would have skipped the caucus after a 13-hour day too. Even withOUT the cancer card to play. Also, thanks for letting me know you got my allure retort. I wasn't even trying to be smart-aleck, it was just what came out in my astonishment that he would think I wanted it out to wear low-cut tops. There will be a big scar even when it does come out. BTW he said we would leave it in "for a while."



I'm slowly feeling better from the fast-push Herceptin dose. I was able to go to Delavan and get Grendel's year's supply of Heart-gard and a few months of flea and tick salve, 90 bucks! I forgot all the "little" expenses with pets. Next week is grooming time, and so it goes. But the little imp is worth it. -Skye

Skye, bahahahahaha!  I know it was unprofessional, but I am laughing out loud at that question. WTF? Good lord!

Robin, I get MRI's yearly. I also get bilaterial mammos every year and just the BC side at the 6 month mark. That's for now though. I am down to seeing the onc every 6 months rather than 3. That's fine with me.

Mel, glad your appt went so well. I had a call back during my first mammo post bc and it scared the sh-t out of me. They just needed a better look at the surgery site. But still. Yipes!

Tina, good luck with the house. I hope it sells quickly. I think the worst part would be keeping it clean and having to leave. My parents spent a lot of time at Borders when they sold their house recently. I'm not sure that would work with kiddos though.

Mary, you are brave looking at your scans. I'd have myself all diagnosed and worried. I'm sure it's just a shadow. When I looked at my bc films, I couldn't tell where the tumor was or how it looked any different from the other stuff it picks up. Put those scans back in the envelope and pour yourself a glass of wine young lady!

Okay, off to pick the kids up from after school care. It's nice to have some quiet at home for a bit after work.

XXOO Amera