Starting Chemo in September?? where are you ladies

Paxton on wheels finally !~ ( and now I just learned that my steed has broken axle boots, and a busted mass airflow sensor, the service is asking for 1200 !!!hell no, kbb value for my car is 4k anyways.. sigh...)

And you are absolutely right those tests seem to only confuse/panic people like me.  I adopted the attitude ( WHAT ___ EVER !!! )

Oh for rads gals there seems to be some findings that taking curcumin protects the skin from rads.. check the thread: (pax this might come a bit late for you sorry)

http://community.breastcancer.org/topic/79/conversation/700951

I hope I did not offend anyone with my comment :

"When I see all those overweight people, eating their delicious whoppers and smoking their cigarettes carelessly I get sooooo mad that they are doing fine and I had to go through this ! " I thought that it was kind of rude afterwards.

My first reaction after being diagnosed was to light up a cigarette( I had quit about 15 years ago)

I guess I was raised with the idea that everything happens for a reason that we can explain now and if you do your part in being healthy you will stay healthy. That notion should be the one that I should be pissed at !

BC is not that way, we can not explain it, how stupid of me to think that I was in control and I would never get c because I was doing my homework.

I went to my Kundalini Yoga session, and the opening topic made me teary eyed. They were talking that while we are trying to attain the bliss state that angels are in, the angels who are in that eternal bliss status are jealous of us because we have a body( which is stated to take 8.4 million incarnations to attain !! now how did they come up with that no.. I have no clue !) and we have 5 senses to enjoy the world. Movie ' City of Angels' was referred to.

All pumped up by my goal to experience 5 senses I dragged the family to the beach on sunday and went commando ( bald - it was kind of fun watching people who were staring at me and then immediately lowered their eyes when I smiled at them) even got to swim !

Laid on the sand, dug a hole for my boobs so I could lay facedown, did not put any frikkin sunscreen on, expecting to get sunburnt on my scalp.. but nothing happened. everyone else got sunburnt.. the chemo protected me ? hehe...

Aylin - somehow on the upswing again waiting for oncologist call about the tumor markers, if they do not call I might not even call them.

Hey there everyone,

Well today was my first rad treatment... or Boob-B-Q, to use Marietta's term ...  I worked a half day and then went onto my rads and then onto Herceptin, then went shopping for my dad's birthday gift, then went to pick up my medicine, then cooked supper, and now I can barely keep my eyes open I'm so tired.  But at the same time I am wound up.  My co-worker who got sick just a little over a week ago passed away this morning.  It's hard to believe we'll never see him again.  His wife had been ill and was just starting to recover and then he passes on.  He was such a good man and fun to work with. I was really relieved that I could leave work early today and I dread going back tomorrow.  More proof that life is so short and everyone should make the most of every single day.

Paxton, yay for you and your car!!!  I know you are so relieved to get it fixed.  And good luck with the rest of your tx-- you're almost done!!

Tri, like Paxton said, please don't apologize for what you said-- I have had the very same feelings!  Recently I have noticed huge, grossly overweight women and think, why do I have this and they don't?  Or will they get it later on?   I'm talking about women who are 100+ pounds overweight and wonder why they are out walking around, with hair, with not a care in the world?  Then I remember that they could very well drop dead the next minute of a heart attack...  and the saddest thing in the world is a child with cancer-- that makes me angry!!

I must crawl to bed now-- take care everyone!

Mary Jo

Hi Tri,

Major whining is ok!  I know what you mean about the psychosomatic symptoms running through your head... I've had the worst shoulder pain lately but I know it is because I am tensing up and not realizing it until the pain starts, but before I remember I am tense, guess what I'm thinking...  When I was at the cancer center on Monday getting my Herceptin treatment, the resident counselor there was making her rounds, talking to all the chemo patients, and finally she came to me.  We talked a while and I mentioned the subject of freaking out about recurrence and mets, etc., and she said that was perfectly normal and that it would definitely decrease with time.  She said "have the thought, then move on and don't give it any more of your life", and also remember that "help is just a phone call away if something does come up".  I felt so much better after talking to her and it relaxed me a lot to talk to her.  I have never talked to a counselor before in my life and never thought it would help, but it did, just a short 15 minutes worth.  I may even make an appointment with her to talk more.  I hope the yoga works for you in relieving your tension.  Did the onc office ever call you back?  The radiation mapping is a breeze-- I have wonderful rad techs and I hope you do too.  Mine are very chatty and it keeps my mind off the process.  And Happy Anniversary tomorrow!  Enjoy your nice dinner and let us know how you like your juicer-- would love to hear what all you make with it!  Yay for your courage to go commando!  (I say "you go girl" too!) I wish I could go commando, but I refuse until I get more hair on top of my head.  The rad techs told me today that wearing scarves and hats would impede the hair growth process-- how wonderful to hear and it 19 degrees and a 40 mph wind!  If it was 75 outside, I'd be glad to leave the headgear at home.  Your spinning class instructor should be slapped , or all her hair should just fall out one day, or just half of it-- that would be better.  I've had people in the grocery store turn around and go the other way, thinking I don't notice.  I usually follow them just to irritate them.  Hang in there, Tri.  Things are getting better!!

Paxton, I know you're not on your computer-- you're out driving around everywhere in your rejuvenated wheels!- but I'm hoping you're doing well! 

MJ

tri: you should consider reading that jon kabat-zinn book we were talking about earlier.  The first half is all about the 8 week program he ran at his stress clinic.  And the second half of the book is about health and healing and all kinds of good things.  It takes the focus off of waiting for the cancer to come back and puts it on living.  I'm finding it very helpful.

I didn't turn the tv or computer on yesterday.  I was having a mindfulness day.  And it was very enjoyeable.  Bf and I went out checking his traplines after he got off from work.  Here we are wondering around in the dark with little headlamps, climbing down banks of snow and walking around the lakeshores.  The stars were magnificient and we even heard a group of coyote howling real close.  And after all that work, I had enchiladas ready to go in the oven.  We ate well and relaxed.  It was so wonderful. 

I've had this dry cough since I started chemo.  It never goes away.  Seems we all have weird symptoms to freak out about.  Bf has to comfort me when I freak out from thinking too much.  Some days I'm sure I won't live to old age because I'm so young, or that I won't have the option of having kids after finally finding the man I'd be willing to have kids with, or that they'll find mets right after I'm done with tx and I just won't have it in me yet to fight.  On and On the monkey mind goes.

I'm going to eat a piece of chocolate, make a macoroni salad out of some shredded wild boar shoulder, and bake a pina colada cake from a recipe out of this scandanavian local church cookbook I bought Monday.  And drive to town for rads (after today 3 left )

Hi ladies!

I haven't been on in awhile, my new job has me so busy!.....but, I am done with radiation!!!!! I had my last one today. I actually cried, it was so bittersweet. I love the people there. I made them a huge batch of brownies and iced them and put confetti sprinkles on them...they loved it!

MJ welcome to the boob-b-Q! I hope things are going well. sounds like you've got nice people taking care of you.

Hang in there tri, whine all you want! I hope they call you with results tomorrow.

Pax you're coming down the homestretch!

Night all!

Mar 

BIG RANT AND RAVE AHEAD

It must be destiny that I'm reading that book cuz otherwise I'd be flipping a f#&'ing gasket right now.  After tx today, I met a girlfriend for lunch.  My car idled funny and killed in the parking lot.  When I went to leave, the engine light started flashing and it ran horrible all the way home (half hour drive).  Bf was at home getting ready to leave up north with the guys.  I told him he better wait til I got home.  He's leaving his truck but now he's gone all weekend and I'm stuck with my f%*#ing car in need of repair AGAIN.  Both our main vehicles are newer and shouldn't be breaking down like this.  His twice and mine twice now all during these stupid 7 weeks where I have to drive to tx every day of the week.  WTF!!!

But the book said to breath and be aware of your feelings so you don't fly off the handle into automatic responding.  So I'm breathing (roll eyes) and I'm aware that I'm pissed off.  I can still be funny so I must be ok.

Pax girl use all the f'in you can.. we should not be dealingwith car troubles of all things !!!

I was able to find a really nice shop that fixed my car for 300 (instead of the service who asked for 1200 !!)_Car seems to be running fine for now.

I ordered the book today and cannot wait till it gets here.

My friends/family are accusing me of being 'aggressive'today, I am so scared of my tumor count results I want to know but on the other hand I do not want to know.

I thought about going to the onc office on monday to see what the results are, but do I really want to know ?

Getting mapping on Tuesday the only reason I want to know my tumor markers is if something else is going on we better address that instead of rads.

You need to know.  Waiting and not knowing is by far worse than knowing even if its the bad news (which hopefully it won't for you). 

I felt that way waiting to find out if I had cancer.  I waited all day and felt like throwing up.  It was 4:30pm and I thought, he's not going to call and I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow and I'm about to lose my frickin mind.  Then the phone rang and he told me I had cancer.   I was in disbelief and all kinds of things, but I was relieved at the same time just to not be waiting.

So I hope you find out soon.  I know its easy to say don't worry, but from all I've heard from people, I don't feel its likely to be anything.  But vent all you want. 

Oh, I picked up that new Eckarte Tolle book Oprah was talking about.  I rarely watch Oprah but happened to catch that episode.  I've read all of his books in the past and thought it was strange she was talking about him.  But I think its really cool.  They're having some live earth class online discussing the book in march sometime.  Eckarte is kind of goofy German dude, but he's worth checking out. 

Did you notice how calm I am (well, I have a massive headache but otherwise  ).

I read somewhere that no matter what the crisis is or how bad, your mind and body will only maintain freaking out for so and so long before you adapt.  That hit home because that's how having cancer has been.  Other people say they can't believe how calm and strong I am about it.  But then I say the same thing to the lady in Look Good, Feel Better who is dealing with cancer recurrence as mets (one of my biggest fears now) and she seems so calm.  

That ties into why waiting without knowing is by far the worst.  Your mind and body can deal with the actual event in its own time, but waiting just pecks away at you.

I read 2 chapters in that Eckart Tolle book last night.  Absolutely love it.  I'm not quite done with that kabat-zinn book, but I just slipped into this one like a glove from where I was at in that book.  I'm going to try and do that 10 week online class Oprah's book club is doing. 

I had an outing with my cyclist group ( all women) Friday evening and felt so good.

They never tiptoed around the subject, went with a drop and a cap they go ' is that your hair' .. no..' can we see how you look take it off' so off the hat goes and I go commando at Wholefoods where we met, they touch analyze the fuzz saying hmmmm.. it is mostly white.

Then they go 'ok give us all the details on what you did what you are going to do ' .. and showed 'genuine' interest with no hint of 'pity'. NOT EVEN ONE OF THEM ! I could see that they were actually kind of intrigued and saw what I was going through as a extreme- race/ challenge and did not have any doubt that I would emerge out of it with no problem.

Once my current status with all the gory details was on the table they were comfortable and we started chatting about rides (2 of them are doing the Sierra To the Sea ride which sounded awesome) and I want to do the Brag ride ( Bike ride Across Georgia) but the dh will NOT GO !!! arghhh..

They are planning to do a ride where they will stop at my house midway and I will join them for a little while on March14th, hopefully the rads will not sap a lot of my energy. 

Went to the beach again today( I am hoping that they will not limit my beach outings during rads)  and read 100 pages of the Eckart Tolle book and OMG !!! This is exactly what I needed and explains soo much ( Pax read page 56 again for me 'The Peace that passes all understanding) I think all bc gals should read this book. Although it totally twisted my mind ' Ok if I am aware that I am thinkingthen I am not my thoughts.. but if I am aware that I am thinking about thinking about my thoughts.. where does that end ??? .

Felt like thinking about how one goes down the stairs when actually going down the stairs and end up falling..

Joined the online Oprah thing and am really psyced about that !

have a great week everyone !

Got my Tumor marker results. I had to call and yell at the office manager. The CA 27.29 is within normal range 33 it was 37 when this whole thing started which was STILL within normal range- go figure 37 with a huge ass 2.5 cm tumor in the boob ...  ( I think anything below 40 is ok) . I was surfing the web and it seems like 0 is the real normal.

So am kind of relieved ( they were 78 at the end of chemo) but still worried lets see how they do after rads.. I am waiting for a huugggeeeee 0 then !!!

Any lurkers out there ? Pax and I are having fun but wish you could join us too !

Hi Tri and Pax,

I have been on the tamoxifen thread as of late. I so enjoy catching up with all the ladies from this thread though. Glad to hear your markers are within normal ranges, Tri. It is so scary living with this cloud over our heads, waiting for the proverbial next shoe to drop!!

And congrats Pax on finishing rads!!! It's a good feeling!

I finished in Jan. and sort of came down with depression. Whether it was from finishing treatment, chemopuase, empty nest syndrome, mid-life (51), loneliness, ....or all of the above. Regular MD put me on lexapro and that helped. I hate being on meds for this but was barely treading water to keep my head up.

Just wanted to touch base and let you know that you two are not alone!   

Take care!!

P.S. I just bought the Tolle book and I honestly couldn't get through the first few pages. I will try again!  Maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I thought it might help me and my daughter, she is having a hard time...can't find a good job (temping right now), her lease is up in 2 months....can't imagine moving back home w/ mom and boyfriend broke up w/ her on Valentines Day and then again on her birthday!! Poor kid can't get a break!

Glad to hear back from you, Cheryll.  Hope things improve.  I know I felt like a basket case during rads, but I'm feeling more like my old self every day.  Don't worry about the Tolle book.  If you can't get into it now just put it down and maybe later you'll get into it.  Good luck with your tests and with your daughter.

I did so good at my test results appt today.  I think what I've learned from that book is really helping.  I usually start balling in the waiting room.  I just sat focusing on my breath and after a few minutes I felt surprisingly calm.  And when I went in, I just felt ready to hear whatever she was going to tell me (I can say this now of course).  My results were negative YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my life is my own for now. Ba Ba bum

I found this picture of my mom (little girl in the middle) and her cousin visiting Santa.  It probably the early 1950's.  It didn't scan the best but I love this picture; it always reminds me of Miracle on 34th Street.