My Best Friends Wife: Stage 4

Thank you for wanting to support your friend and his wife.  Most important of all, I think, is to say to them "If there's any way I can help you, please let me know.  Now or at any time."

Stage 4 has better potential for longer survival now more than ever in the past.

I'm sure others will come along with more advice, but I'll just repeat that making yourself available as a friend is the most important thing.

Best,

Ann

Chato,

I am sorry to hear of your friend's wife's diagnosis with stage IV breast cancer. It is so good of you to ask what you can do!  Sometimes those of us living with stage IV do very well on our treatments and don't need much in the way of "practical" help. I have been living with extensive bone metastases for two years now. When I was first diagnosed, people around us were so helpful. They brought meals, carpooled the kids to and from school, etc. As I have done well on my treatments and have maintained the appearance of a "well" person, a lot of the practical-type help has fizzled out. People just don't realize that I am often extremely fatigued and the pain caused by the cancer keeps me from doing things like laundry and housework and taking my kids out for activities.

Since you are several states away from your friend and his wife, support from you in a practical way might be difficult, but not impossible.  Think of the things you are willing and able to do (arranging for a meal or to be delivered, arranging for  a cleaning/laundry service to come in, organizing other friends and relatives to provide practical support) and then TELL your friend you are doing it. Saying, "I want to buy you dinner. What day is good for you?" There is a website called www.lotsahelpinghands.com that allows friends and faily to sign up and coordinate this type of practical help.

Emotional support is obviously very important. Everyone is different and it's really hard to know what someone will find the most helpful and supportive. That is the time when you really need to keep your ears open and listen to what's being said as well as what's NOT being said. Depression is not uncommon in this circumstance.

As for what NOT to do...remaining silent or "disappearing" would be what you should not do. Many of us who have cancer have had some people we thought were friends just disappear on us. Since you are here asking what you CAN do, I feel certain that you won't be doing that!

Please know that a stage IV diagnosis is frightening; it turns the whole world upside down. Even when things seem to be going well, the cancer and the possibilities are never far from our thoughts. Personalities can change and priorities can change. You already know how to be a friend. Just keep doing that!

(((HUGS)))

Diane