How do I help her?

I think it's best if you discuss with your Mom and Dad what the needs are.  I suspect that she is going to need assistance with your niece, especially in the days just following surgery. 

Each of us responds so differently plus you have to factor in personality as well.  Some people want and need people surrounding them for morale support and physical assistance.  Others, like me, barely tolerate having people around when feeling crappy. 

My niece, who is doing her cardiac residency, asked to stay with me after my surgery.  She agreed to leave when I could do certain things on my own and and as a doctor she respected my limits. She stayed with me until my 9th day of recovery.  I turned down other offers from beloved family because I knew that I couldn't handle the "constant attention."

My niece was invaluable with cooking, cleaning, and the follow-up bs visit.  She also left the house for a few hours each day to give me quiet to rest.  That was awesome for both of us.

Though your mom may say she doesn't need anything, think of the things that you would need done if you were physically restricted for a period of time and help in those areas. Just respect her boundaries.  Your mom will appreciate this more than you may ever realize.

Hi,

My mom also was just diagnosed on Friday and I'm having the same concerns. I moved to California recently, for a new job. She still lives in Portland and just has my brother and his wife and kids living nearby her now. So she also doesn't have a lot of family support there, my brother's wife is wishy-washy and forgets things like agreeing to go to appointments with her. I know she wishes I was there for all of it, though she claims she doesn't need me to be. But I can't just leave my job. I'll be able to go for a few days at some point but I don't know if I should go for the surgery or wait and go when she's doing treatment.  

If you were my daughter, I'd not want you to put your job in jepordy at all.  Maybe go for the first week after her first chemo.  And if you can make it home for surgery, do.  Ask her to have it done on a Wed or Thurs and then you can be with her over the weekend after she gets home.

Your brother, HER SON, should also be in on this.  As a sister, I've never understood why families leave guys out of this caring stuff.  He can be with her after surgery at night, after work, and let his wife keep his kids while he takes care of Mom.

I would have loved to have my son help me out.  He's a sweetie, and I bet your bro just needs to be told he's "able" to do this. 

If you cannot be home, suggest home health care for your mom, visiting nurses only come for dressing changes or personal care, but at least there will be someone to ck on her.

Personally, I would not have my daughter in law take care of me, she should be taking care of the grand kids.JMHO\

I am really sorry about your mom, I lived several hours away from mine when she became very ill.  My husband was away most of the time and i had a job,too.  It was very difficult to leave my kids to go care for her, and my brother lived in the same town but I was expected to do the caregiving---not fair.